Everything between us, p.21
Everything Between Us, page 21
“What is it?” my mother calls.
“I need to talk to you,” I say, taking a deep breath. I open the door to find my mother lying on her bed, like she’s just waking from a nap. There’s a drained wineglass on her bedside table. “How are you feeling?”
“I have a headache.”
“I’m sorry. I won’t be long.”
She sits up as I come to sit on the end of her bed. “Is this about yesterday?”
I nod. “I want to make sure you understand.”
She rolls her eyes. “What is there to understand?”
“Me. I want you to understand me, Mom.”
“I’m listening.” She folds her arms over her chest.
“I’m going to therapy to deal with my problems,” I tell her. “I’m facing them. And I want you to be happy about that. I’m working hard.”
Her posture softens a little. “I am glad about that. I just don’t want to see you taken advantage of.”
Deep. Breaths. “I know, Mom, and I appreciate that. I’ve gotten to know Daniel pretty well over the last several weeks. I didn’t expect to fall for him, but that’s exactly what happened.”
“You’re an impressionable young woman, Stella, and he’s an absolute player,” she says dismissively. “He knows how to make you feel things. He’s been with several of my friends, and they’ll all tell you the same.”
“He’s not like that, not with me,” I say calmly, though it hurts. He knows how to make you feel things. He certainly does. And it’s scary. Part of me trusts him, but the other part of me is terrified that his own feelings don’t run that deep. I know he likes me now, but how can I keep him when there’s all that temptation out there? How can I hold his interest when there are tons of normal, confident girls who’d love to get ahold of him? How can I tempt him when I’m not with him—especially when he keeps seeing me at my worst? I want him to like me because I’m strong—not because he wants to rescue and protect me.
“Estella, I’m sorry to say this, but he’s gone after you because I chose Markus over him. This is about his bruised ego.”
“Things happened between us long before that, Mom.” As soon as I say it, I see the rage flare in her eyes, and realize I’ve said exactly the wrong thing. I’m so stupid. I basically just told her that I had an affair with the guy she’s having an affair with. It’s not his ego that’s bruised. It’s hers. I open my mouth to say something, anything, but she puts her hand up.
“I’m not going to argue with you,” she says. “I’ve moved on. You can believe what I’m saying or not, but we’re not going to fight.”
“Good,” I say as gently as I can. “Because it won’t change how I feel. I’m an adult. All you can do is drive me away if you try to keep me from seeing him. Does that matter to you?”
“Of course it does.”
“Really?” Hope stirs inside me. Is it possible she could understand?
She sits up again and takes my hand. “Estella, all I’ve ever wanted is what’s best for you. I want you to be well and happy, because you’re my daughter and I love you.”
“I love you, too, Mom.” A smile pulls at my lips.
She stares at me for a few long moments, then shrugs. “That’s why I hope you can understand me when I say this: Daniel is off-limits to you. You’re going back to Wellesley, and you’ll find someone better.”
I snatch my hand from hers as my hope shatters. “If you want me to go back to Wellesley, if you really want that—instead of wanting to get rid of me by sending me to some sanity farm or whatever—then don’t do this. He’s good for me, Mom. He’s the one who’s pushed me in the right direction, who connected me with Romy—”
“Fine, then,” she says with a hard, calculating smile. “If he’s so motivating for you, that makes this easy. I won’t allow him in this house. Ever again. If you want to see him, you’d better crawl out of your little cave and do something with yourself other than making banana bread!”
I rock back as I realize something. She doesn’t believe I’m strong enough to defy her like this. I sit up straighter, my eyes dry, my face hot. “I guess we have an understanding, then. He won’t come into the house.” I clamp my teeth together and swallow back my fear. “And I’m going to get better.”
She’s still looking at me with a grim kind of pleasure, like she’s thinking a few steps ahead. “We definitely have an understanding. But don’t be surprised if Daniel loses interest. Very soon, in fact.”
I nearly curl in on myself as she speaks my fear aloud. I slide off her bed and take a step back. “Thanks for the advice.”
She knows she’s hit another tender spot. “You’re a momentary fascination for him, Estella, but Daniel is motivated by two things: money and pleasure.” And her expression says she knows I can’t give him either.
“Why do you hate me?”
She rolls her eyes. “Didn’t you hear me say I love you? I want you to have a great life, darling. I don’t want you to ruin it.”
I nod, wordless, and hustle myself out of her room before I disintegrate. My mind is at war with itself, thoughts flying through my head and twisting together, a storm brewing within the walls of my skull. I get back to my room and hurl myself onto my bed, trying to remember the things Heather told me to do when my thoughts get out of control.
I can’t do this.
I will do this.
I’m not strong enough.
I am.
It’s pointless anyway.
It’s worth the risk. Because everything is at risk. Not just my connection with Daniel. My future. Me. And for all three of those things, I will push myself further than I ever thought I could go. I pick up my phone and find his number. He picks up after a single ring. “Stella?”
I smile at the sound of his voice. Hearing it quiets my doubts and sharpens my determination. “Hi, Daniel.”
I’m standing outside waiting for Romy when Daniel’s car comes up the drive. My mouth drops open. I haven’t seen him for over a week, not since my mom caught us and barred him from coming over. I’ve been working up to going out in public again, but it’s been exhausting and leaves me a mess every time. Still, I’m pushing myself, because otherwise I’ll never see Daniel again. But I didn’t expect him to come here. I look back at the house. Mom’s inside, and if she sees him … my anxious thoughts keep me from doing the one thing I want to: throwing myself into his arms.
He pulls to a stop and gets out, looking wary, like he can see my fears scrolling across my forehead. “I know you weren’t expecting me,” he says, “but hear me out.”
“My mom—”
“I don’t want to come in.”
I glance at my phone. “Romy’s going to be here in a few minutes anyway. I was just going to a session with Heather.”
“Romy’s not coming. I’m your ride today.”
I blink at him, my heart beating a little faster. My sessions run me ragged, and I don’t want him to see me that way. Not anymore. That’s why I’ve been working so hard. “Daniel—”
“Please, Stella, listen to me.” He takes a step closer to me, his breath puffing in front of him. “I haven’t seen you in days. Talking on the phone ...” He sighs. “I love that, but I’ve missed you. A lot.”
I fold my arms over my chest. “I’m trying.” Trying so hard to be in his world. Trying to be strong enough and good enough. Can’t he see that? “Romy’s really not coming?”
He shakes his head. “I asked her for this.” When he sees my expression, he holds up his hands. “Blame me, not her.”
I bounce on my heels. We need to get going or we’re going to be late. “Why are you doing this?”
He holds out his hand. He’s not wearing gloves, and his knuckles are red from the early March chill. “Because I want to see what you go through so I can understand. Because I want to be part of this. Because—” He presses his lips together before continuing. “Shall we go?”
I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to contain my frustration. In that instant, Daniel takes my hand and leads me to the car. I was already dreading today’s session, and now I’m feeling even worse. Today, Heather and I are going to walk across campus, right as students switch classes. It’s third on my hierarchy, something that might make me panic. But I’m going to do it, and I’m going to get through it. And if it’s anything like the last two weeks, I’ll be exhausted afterward.
I stare out the window as he pulls onto the road that will take us to town. In a few weeks, I’m supposed to start driving myself. I need to do that, but I’ve never felt that comfortable with driving, and the thought of doing it sets my heart pounding. I practice my breathing, making it deep and slow.
“You’re coping pretty hard over there,” Daniel says. His fingers brush my thigh before returning to his side of the car. I fight the urge to grab his hand and cling.
“I’m just nervous. We’re leaving the office for the first time today.”
“Why?”
“So we can go do something that scares the shit out of me.” As soon as I say it, I snort, and then I start to laugh. “Which probably makes most people think of doing something really daring, but for me, it’s just a stroll across campus.” How sad.
His hand returns, seeking mine. “Other people are scared of other things, Stella.”
“What are you scared of?”
He chuckles. “You.”
“Me?”
“Yep. What would your therapist say to that?”
“She’d tell you to expose yourself to what you fear and learn to deal with it until you’re not afraid of it anymore.”
“So now you know why I’m here,” he says softly.
There are so many things I want to ask him, but we’ve reached downtown, and I have other things to worry about. We’re almost there. Daniel finds a spot right in front of the building. As I unbuckle my seatbelt, he says, “Can I come in with you?”
I give him a questioning look. “I thought that was why you were here?”
He shrugs and slides his beanie off his head, revealing his messy blond hair. “It’s your therapy, Stella. I might have insisted on driving you, but whether I go any further is up to you.” He meets my gaze for a minute, then looks away, waiting for my answer.
I stare at him, his scruffy, unshaven face, which has somehow become the thing I like to look at most in this world. He knows how to make you feel things, my mother whispers in my mind. And he does, and I do. A lot of things. Why? I want to ask him. Why are you really here? But we don’t have time. I have to get in there, and I can’t help it—I want him with me. “Come on,” I say.
He leans across the car and gives me a quick kiss. “Thank you.”
We go in holding hands. I’m holding hands with Daniel, I think as a happy, hazy, familiar feeling comes over me. Heather’s previous appointment is walking out as we come in, so she’s already standing in the doorway of her office when we enter the waiting room. “Hi, Stella,” she says, and then her gaze shifts to Daniel by way of our joined hands.
“This is Daniel,” I tell her, my cheeks burning. Because I’ve told her about him. He’s on my hierarchy, the one we put together in my second session, mapping out the steps I would take, the things I would expose myself to, going from least scary to most terrifying. “He’s my …”
“Boyfriend,” Daniel says. He squeezes my hand. I nearly melt. Boyfriend.
“Do you want him to come in?”
“Aren’t we going to go out today?” I ask.
She nods. “But we can chat for a few minutes before we go, if you want to …?”
I look at Daniel, and his grip tightens on my hand. Why does he want to see me like this, scared and broken? Wouldn’t he prefer to see me strong?
“I’d like to go in,” he says quietly. “But it’s up to you.”
“Okay,” I whisper.
“Have you been practicing your spinning and straw-breathing?” Heather asks me as we sit down. “Every day,” I say, avoiding Daniel’s curious gaze. “It’s my least favorite thing to do.”
“And yet you do it,” says Heather, smiling. “Can you describe what happens for me? How it’s going?”
I glance at Daniel. “Um. I’d really rather not …” I don’t want to remind him of how pathetic I am.
“Stella,” he says. “It’s okay.”
Heather looks back and forth between us before turning to Daniel. “Have you ever seen her panicking before?”
He nods, looking cautiously at me. “More than once.”
I aim my gaze at the floor. It’s the only place that’s safe.
“Stella, what’s happening for you now?” Of course Heather would call me on it.
“I don’t want him to see me like that,” I say in a tiny voice. “And I don’t want him to think of me that way. I want to be different.”
“Why?”
I clamp my eyes shut. It was a bad idea to have Daniel in here. Why didn’t I see this coming? “Because I don’t want to be this crazy little girl. I don’t want him to think I’m crazy.”
“I don’t think you’re crazy,” says Daniel, sounding frustrated. “When have I ever treated you like that?”
I shrug and lean my head on my hand, needing to cover my eyes. “Other people think I’m crazy. My mom …”
Heather sighs. “Stella, what do you think of what Daniel is saying? Do you believe him?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you have evidence either way?”
This is what Heather does. She won’t tell me what’s true or not; she just asks me what my evidence is. “He … look, everyone else I’ve ever known has gotten sick of me, really quickly. Even my mom is completely fed up, and my dad is in full-on avoidance mode. If that happened with Daniel, I …” I sniffle and start to reach for a tissue, but Heather’s already holding out the box.
“It would hurt,” she says quietly.
I nod and blow my nose, afraid to look at him. Hurt doesn’t begin to describe what it would feel like.
“This therapy’s supposed to be about facing what you fear, right?” asks Daniel. “Am I wrong about that?”
“It’s a little more nuanced than that, but I suppose that’s a quick summary,” says Heather.
Daniel leans over, so his mouth is close to my ear. “Try me, Stella,” he whispers. “Stop running and face me. Let me see you.”
I raise my head and look into his eyes, blue like a lake on a summer day. “But—”
“You scare me just as much,” he says, a bemused smile playing at his lips. “So fair’s fair.”
Heather shifts in her chair. “Stella, we should probably go if we’re going to be in the middle of campus at the right time.”
I toss my tissue in the wastebasket. “Okay. Give me a second.”
Heather smiles and walks into the waiting room.
“When I come back, I might be kind of a mess,” I tell him.
He runs the backs of his fingers over my cheek. “And what will you need me to do?”
“Don’t make a big deal out of it? Don’t treat me like I’m fragile? Just …”
“Be here?”
I nod and work up the courage to look in his eyes. “And …” Love me. Please think I’m good enough.
Daniel doesn’t demand that I finish my sentence. He simply searches my expression, and then plants a gentle kiss on my forehead. “Try me.”
Chapter Twenty-three: Daniel
I sit in the therapist’s waiting room while she and Stella do their exposure session out on campus, staring unseeing at the pages of some entertainment magazine. I couldn’t think of any other way to get Stella to let me in other than simply showing up and springing it on her. She is the most stubborn girl, and I didn’t want to argue with her. I just wanted to … push on her. Crawl under her skin so she can’t get rid of me.
I pull out my phone and stare at Liza’s text from a few days ago: I may need to reconsider our contract for the commission.
As soon as I saw it, I knew what she was up to. She wants me to leave Stella alone, and she thinks this will do it.
It should have been enough. Instead, I’m here, taking a chance. Risking my livelihood. If I try to be with Stella, I’ll have to make my living with teaching and commissions—without offering orgasms on the side. I couldn’t put on my usual show anyway, because Stella won’t leave my thoughts. She’s always in there, poking holes every time I try to fool myself. In all my life, no girl has ever gotten into my head like that. So I’m here. Seeing if she’ll let me in. If she does, I’m in this. I don’t have a choice. But if she pushes me away, I have to get out. It hurts too much.
I know it’s a risk. I’m tossing myself into the ring with a girl who can easily take me apart. A girl who’s probably going to disappear in a few months, headed back to the east coast. A girl who at some point is going to realize that I’m not as special as she thinks. I could run from that, but it would mean I can’t have this time with her now, and that would make me even more miserable. Basically, it’s heartbreak now or heartbreak later, and I guess I’ve always been a bit of a procrastinator.
Stella and Heather come back after about forty minutes, and Stella looks hollow-eyed. I shoot from my chair, but Heather puts her hand out. “She’s fine, Daniel. She did great.”
Then why does she look like that? “Did you panic?” I ask Stella.
She gives me a tired smile. “A little.”
“But you stood your ground, and you endured it without escaping. Even when we were surrounded by all those people!” Heather rubs her arm. “You thought your way through it.”
Stella nods.
“So your homework is to do that another few times this next week, like we talked about. Along with your other exercises at home.”
Stella nods again, but this time I can’t resist going to her. She looks like she’s about to fall over. I put my arm around her waist, but she steps away from me quickly. I shove my hands in my pockets, feeling stupid.
Stella thanks Heather and then we’re off, walking back to my car. Having Stella next to me is the most amazing thing. I’ve only known her in this one environment, indoors, and seeing her in this light, the late afternoon winter sun showing red highlights in her hair, her cheeks and the tip of her nose kissed with cold … I love it. As soon as we buckle our seatbelts, I reach for her hand, but she pulls away again. My jaw clenches. “Have I done something wrong?”
