Everything between us, p.25
Everything Between Us, page 25
“Fair,” I mumble. “So what’s the rest of it? What do you have to do?”
She walks toward me, her nostrils flaring a little as she takes in a deep breath. She wobbles a little on her heels, and instantly I’m reminded of all of her, the awkward, adorable parts as well as this sexy, ferocious part.
“I’m supposed to do this,” she says, and slides her arms up my chest and around my neck. Her heart is pounding against me and she’s practically vibrating with tension. I can feel how nervous she is, but she’s not panicking. I put my hands on her hips as she presses her lips to mine, as her tongue invades my mouth, as her body commands my own. I’m hard for her in no time, and she’s close enough to feel it.
“You taste like beer,” she says.
“I was planning on getting terrifically drunk.”
“Why?”
“Because I was missing you.” No use in pretending. I’ve completely lost that ability with her.
“I’m here now,” she says, brushing her lips over mine and scraping her fingernails gently over my back, making me shiver. “And I wanted to show up unannounced because I needed to see how you’d react. I didn’t want you to make it too easy for me.”
“How am I doing with that so far?”
“So far, so good. But I need to tell you something.”
I swallow back my fear. “Okay. Do I need to sit down?” I force a chuckle.
She steps away from me. Her hands are shaking as she smoothes them over her skirt. She’s super-nervous, which is making me nervous. Her lips press together, and her gaze darts to my face and then drops away.
“You’re killing me,” I say. Is her final exposure to tell me she’s leaving? I know she doesn’t belong at Wellesley, that it’s not what she really wants, but Liza is pushing her to commit.
“Say what you need to say, Stella.” I brace myself. If this is the test of her courage, I’m not going to do anything to ruin it. She said I wasn’t supposed to make it too easy, but there’s no fucking way I’m going to make it hard. I care about her too much. Our eyes lock. “It’s going to be fine,” I say softly. “Whatever it is, just say it.”
“I love you, Daniel,” she blurts.
“Say that again?” I whisper.
She blows out a long breath. “I love you. Against reason, against promise, against peace—”
“Against hope,” I say with her, because I know the quote by heart. Because I think it every time I see her. Because it’s true.
“Against happiness,” I say by myself as she stares at me. “Against all discouragement that could be.” I walk up to her and take her face in my hands. “That’s what you came here to say? Are you pranking me right now?”
“Um.” She blinks a few times. “No?” Her voice trembles, and in it I hear her fear.
“Why was that so scary?”
“Because you might not—”
“Sometimes you know me better than anyone,” I say, bumping my nose against hers, crazy happiness making me shaky. “And sometimes you are so blind.”
“What does that mean?” she whispers.
“It means that I love you, too.”
Chapter Twenty-six: Stella
Daniel’s mouth crashes onto mine, our kiss desperate and deep. I spent the afternoon psyching myself up for this, preparing myself for every possible scenario, working hard to fight what Heather calls my “catastrophizing cognitions.” Basically, I usually think of the worst thing that could happen, and assume that it is going to happen and that it’s going to be unbearable. So my first thought when I told Heather I wanted to do this was that Daniel would be here with another girl, and that he’d laugh in my face and show me the door.
She’d asked me what my evidence was, whether anything about his behavior suggested he would do that to me. I told her that I don’t see him every day, and that he could be leading a whole double life without me in it. She said that was another catastrophizing thought, not actual “behavioral data.” I’m starting to like this evidence thing, because I do have evidence that he’s telling the truth. And it’s not just his body against mine, the hard bulge pressed to my abdomen that’s making me tingle, his mouth on my throat—it’s everything about the past few months.
Daniel loves me. And oh, I love him right back, and I’ve known for a while. I squeeze my eyes shut as he backs me against his door and cages me with his arms, his touch urgent and demanding. I’m prepared for this eventuality, too—I didn’t tell Daniel, but part of my exposure session was to go to a drugstore and buy condoms. He probably has some on hand, but I talked with Heather and we agreed that it would be an important part of this. My hands were shaking as I put the little box in front of the male clerk, and I kept thinking this is because you’re nervous, because you’re a little embarrassed, and it’s going to pass. And … it did. I stood my ground even though I wanted to run and hide. The clerk didn’t even look at me twice as he scanned the box and stuck it in a bag. I walked out of the store with condoms in the pocket of my coat like it was no big deal.
Daniel unbuttons my shirt while he gently nips at my throat. His skin is rough against mine, and the scrape of his teeth makes me squirm with want for him. He pushes my sleeves down my arms until the shirt is lying on the floor. His blue eyes slide over me, full of hunger. This has been building for weeks.
As he kisses me again, I lift his t-shirt, wanting to see him. He pulls away briefly to yank it over his head and toss it away, and I’m breathless as I gaze at his chest and stomach, taut muscles, the swirling tribal tattoo, all that gorgeous skin. I lay the flat of my palm over his heart, and he puts his hand over mine. “Yours,” he says simply.
I look into his eyes, still unable to believe it. “I love you,” I whisper, because I don’t know what else to say. It’s the only thing I can really think of, especially when he moves in closer and pins me to the wall, his hand on my leg and moving north. My fingers slide into his shaggy hair as he nibbles at my bottom lip and strokes my inner thigh, then hooks his fingers over the side of my panties and pulls them down until they fall to my ankles. Of course, they get snagged on my heels, and I nearly knee him in the groin as I try to step out of them.
He jerks away just in time. “Whoa.”
I snort, and then start to laugh at how ridiculous we look: me, standing here in my bra and tangled in my panties; and him, leaning on the wall, shirtless, his erection prominent even through his jeans.
“Watch out,” I say through my snickers. “My knee strike is lethal.”
He grins and kneels, his hands skimming down my legs to my ankles. “One more reason not to piss you off.” He easily divests me of the obnoxious panties and peers up at me. I brush his hair off his forehead and run my fingertips down to his jaw.
“You look beautiful, Stella. You always do, though,” he says, then kisses my thigh, right below the hem of my skirt. His hands move upward again, until they’re on my ass. His teeth are hard against the flesh of my inner thigh, and I lean against the wall and close my eyes, waves of warmth and desire crashing down on me. I want him inside me. I’m dying to feel it again. I gasp as his fingers creep up slowly, teasing mercilessly. My skirt is riding up around my hips, and Daniel is in control of me. All I can do is hold on to the wall as he strokes me, building the tension a moment at a time. He did the same thing the last time we were together.
But this time, I want to do it to him. I tug on his hair and he looks up at me, his expression hazed and hot. “Come up here,” I say. “I want you up here.”
Something flares in his gaze, and he obeys, his arm coiling around my waist as he kisses me hard. I reach for the button of his pants and undo it, then lower his fly. My heart is racing. I don’t know what I’m doing, and last time, I was clumsy and tentative. It’s not likely to be different this time, but I’ve learned over the last several weeks that I can’t avoid things that scare me. I slide his pants off his lean hips, enjoying the flex of his muscles beneath my palms. So powerful. Mine. I pull my mouth from his and kiss his jaw, his throat, his collarbone. I flatten my hand on his abdomen and slide my fingers beneath the waistband of his boxer briefs. His cock is hot and silky and rigid. Daniel moans as I close my hand around it, then reaches for the wall to hold himself up. “What are you up to?” he whispers as I start to slide downward.
“Figuring something out,” I say, kissing his chest, trailing my tongue down his stomach. His taste is slightly salty and his muscles tremble as I sink to the floor in front of him. Finally, I’m on my knees, and I pull his pants lower, until he springs free. I take hold of him, reminding myself that my heart is beating this fast for a good reason. Because I want him to like what I’m doing, because I’m crazy about this man and I want him to be crazy for me. I lick the underside of his shaft, and it jerks in my hand. “I don’t know what I’m doing,” I say, my lips moving against him. “So will you tell me?”
“You don’t have to do this, Stella,” he says breathlessly.
“But I want to.” I rise a little higher and circle my tongue over the head, over this little bead of moisture at the tip, salty and smooth. I slide my lips over it, and Daniel draws in a sharp breath. His fingers tangle in my hair and his hips move forward. I guess that means I’m doing all right. I open my mouth wide, taking in as much of him as I can. Daniel curses and his fingers spasm against my scalp. I let his movements lead me, the minute thrusts of his hips, the clutch of his fingers, the mumbled encouragement that mostly consists of yes like that more like that harder like that oh God like that.
My jaw is aching, but it’s a good kind of hurt. This is like having a tiger on a leash, scary and thrilling. When I hear a pounding noise, I glance up to see the side of Daniel’s fist collide with the wall. His eyes are squeezed shut. I move up and down, exploring his thighs with my free hand, finally getting brave and gently stroking his balls, hot and smooth between his legs. My fingers slip along their center, but when I reach the firm patch of skin behind them, he says, “Fuuuuck, Stella, stop now. Stop stop stop—” He pulls at my hair and my mouth slides off his shaft. He yanks me up roughly, trapping me against the wall. “You’re going to make me come,” he says between breaths.
“That was kind of the idea,” I say. “Was I doing okay?”
He lets out a shaky laugh and leans his forehead on mine. “Too well,” he mutters, then his tongue is in my mouth, his hands are up my skirt again, his rigid length is pressed between us. I move my hands down to his ass, bare under my palms and diamond hard. “I want to be inside you,” he says between kisses. “I have to go get—”
“I have some. In my jacket.”
“You do?”
I smile, because this is something I never could have done a few months ago. Fierce pride and joy swells inside me. “I bought some.” I slide my hands up his chest to his neck. “You did promise that if I came here, you’d make me scream your name.”
“So I did,” he says, a glint of danger in his eyes. He turns away and scoops my jacket from the floor, then rifles through the pockets until he pulls out the box. A moment later, he’s sliding on a condom. There’s something so sexy about this—I’m still wearing my heels, along with half my clothes, and his pants are around his thighs, but we can’t wait. He rucks up my skirt and looks into my eyes. “Spread your legs a little.”
When I do, his fingers are there instantly, slicking through the liquid desire that’s been building inside me. We both moan as he touches me. He takes himself in hand and slides between my legs without penetrating, and I squirm, nerves and need all at once. His fingers close around my thigh, and he lifts it to his hip. He bends his knees to give himself the angle, and then I feel the tip of him against me. The sound that comes out of my mouth as he thrusts himself upward is half-squeal, half-whimper. My eyes clamp shut. Unlike last time, he enters me with one abrupt movement, grasping my leg as he pushes himself all the way inside. The pressure is so intense, and my standing leg trembles as Daniel begins to move his hips. “Lean back a little, Stella. That’s it.”
As soon as I do it, he grinds against me with each thrust, and it’s like nothing I’ve felt before, tingling ribbons of pleasure entwined with pain. His hand slides to my ass, supporting my leg with his arm. I open my eyes to see his face inches from mine, his blue eyes on me, his jaw clenched as he rocks his hips up. Every time he invades me, it drives the breath from my lungs. My shoulder blades slide along the wall as he makes me rise onto my tiptoes with the powerful flex of his hips. And suddenly it’s too much. I can’t hold myself up for another second. “Daniel,” I say, my voice breaking.
His fingers slide along my cheek, and he pulls out of me. An instant later, he’s shed his pants and is standing naked before me, his shaft glistening between us. “Come here,” he says. “Arms around my neck.”
I do it, and he grasps my thighs and lifts me off the ground, my legs around his waist. I bow over him and kiss him as he carries me to his bed. The whole apartment appears to be one large room, with a kitchen and dining area on one side and a bed on the other, with an easel and canvas at the very back. Daniel backs up to his bed and lets himself fall backwards with me on top of him. His hands slide up my spine and he unfastens my bra, then tosses it away. I pant as he takes one of my breasts in his mouth, using his teeth and tongue until I’m saying incoherent things against his sheets. While he drives me crazy, he unzips my skirt and works it over my hips. I kick it off my feet, along with my shoes. My hair falls around us as he raises his head to kiss me again and pushes my thighs down until I feel his shaft nudging my core.
“I want you to come while I’m inside of you,” he says into my ear. “I want to feel it.” He pivots his hips up and the tip of him enters me. I tense up a little, still a bit sore from our intense against-the-wall encounter, but still turned on, too. “Can you relax for me?” he asks.
I look down at him. My Daniel, not Dan or Danny or Danielle. I can do anything for him. I take a deep breath. He smiles as he feels my belly expand against his, and he slowly pushes in while I slide down his length. My head drops to his shoulder as I savor that intense fullness, and he cradles me, his fingers in my hair. “I love you so fucking much,” he whispers. His other hand finds mine, and our fingers twine together. “Move your hips until you find a position that feels really good. Show me how you need it to be.”
Biting my lip, I wiggle downward, using my knees for leverage, then flatten my toes against the sheets and arch my lower back. Oh. That is … good. I push myself onto him, feeling him all the way to my core. A warm tendril of pleasure winds through me, and Daniel’s hands grow firm on my backside. “That’s it,” he says softly.
I move a little, keeping that angle and sliding up and down the rigid heat of him as his hot breath skates along my cheek. Soon, he’s moving with me, so that we collide in the middle, short, devastatingly delicious thrusts that hit me in just the right place every time. The craving spirals inside me, making my thighs tense, my stomach tight, my fingers claw at his back, my teeth clamp onto his shoulder. He shoves himself into me, losing his rhythm. “Fuck yes,” he says with a groan.
A ragged sound comes from my throat as everything accelerates. I barely know what I’m doing, only that it’s exactly what I need to do. My breaths saw from my lungs as my whole body focuses on one thing, one feeling … I rock downward and grind as I sense it coming, trying to catch it before it can escape, this wild need overtaking me.
“Say it,” he whispers in my ear as I start to come.
And so I do, the only word I know right now. His name, over and over, in time with the spasms of my body, the flood of ecstasy dragging me away from the shore, pulling me under.
Like I weigh nothing, Daniel flips me over, his jaw rigid. “God, Stella,” he says from between clenched teeth. I’m so slick and so boneless that he’s deep inside in a raw second, his hips jerking. My head spins as I wrap my legs around him and hold on tight while he drives himself into a frenzy. And just as I wonder if I can take it much longer, he grabs my hair and tilts my head up, claiming my mouth as he throbs inside me. I keep my eyes open, loving what I’ve done to him, feeling invincible as his body lets go and he sinks onto me, crushing me with his weight.
Only a few months ago, I couldn’t have done this. Not like this, not this wild, heart-pounding collision. Still panting, I kiss Daniel’s sweaty brow. We breathe together for a while, gradually slowing down. He slides out of me and goes to clean himself up, but he returns quickly to the bed and pulls me against him. “I wanted to do this last time,” he says quietly. “I wanted to hold you all night.”
“You could have. I wanted you to. But I didn’t think I could ask it of you.”
“I felt the same way.” He smoothes my hair away from my face. “Can you stay?”
“It’s not like I had to get Mom’s permission. I’m an adult,” I say, unable to hide the defensiveness in my tone.
He chuckles. “If you weren’t, I’d be in big trouble.” He bumps his nose against mine, this gentle, joking connection that I love. “I mean that I won’t assume that you want to stay, Stella. But I’d love it if you did.”
“Oh.” My cheeks are warm. “Okay, then. I’d love that, too.”
I jolt awake, my heart racing. In the darkness, I hear a soft noise, and then I recognize it—Daniel, breathing. Right next to me. I’m in his apartment. His solid warmth is only inches away, and his arm is slung over my waist.
“You okay?” he murmurs sleepily. His fingers stroke my ribs.
“Yeah,” I whisper. A few months ago, I’d be panicking. The feelings are there, but I know them for what they are now, and I can control them. I take a deep breath and focus on the heaviness of Daniel’s arm on my body.
Today is the first of April.
I’m supposed to go out to lunch with my mom. She’s expecting me to tell her I’m ready, that I’m going back to Wellesley. And I could go back now. I could reclaim my life there. Yes, I might have a relapse—Heather said it was possible—but I’d know what to do, and I’d know how to get back on track. I could go and graduate in two years, and I’d have a bachelor’s degree …
