Where eer the wind blows, p.2
Where E'er the Wind Blows, page 2
Stella had lunch ready by the time we arrived at the house and we all sat round the table together. This was remarkable for me ...to see so many people, altogether and enjoying the chatter that constitutes family life. I felt lonely ...and not without envy. Eddy was Stella’s eldest boy and he was eighteen, where Frances came after that … a very lovely young lady just turned seventeen with the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen on anybody in all my life. They were lilac and her thick dark eyelashes accentuated the pale beauty of her skin to the best advantage. She’s gonna break some young fella’s heart, I thought immediately I saw her and then I turned again to Eddy. He was dark too, just as Frances was, but he had brown eyes and although he was handsome, he could have been most boys that I would pass in the street. Robbie was fifteen and as blonde as the other two were dark, with large innocent blue eyes and freckles all over the bridge of his pert little nose. Alastair, the one who met me at the station with his sister Moira looked a little like the lovely Frances. He had her eyes and gave a twisted sort of smile when he spoke, that made him look rather sexy, I thought. Moira was the only redhead of the family. She was pretty if a little on the plump side and had her father’s colouring, but Stella was as grey as a badger and she was only forty-one, but I could see where all her children had acquired their good looks. She was not so much beautiful as handsome, but her features were clear and pronounced ...more like a youthful man, rather than a woman and somehow being with them all, redeemed something of the lack of faith I had felt for my other relatives. Stella made up for all the glib and fickle qualities of all the rest. She was a strong woman and capable ...and most of all, I admired her for the wonderful mother I knew her to be. This latter quality appealed to me greatly and I envied her in my heart. I envied her children, her husband, her humble abode and everything else about her and I concluded I would never meet anyone now with whom I could settle down and have a family. Mother had seen to all that ...for who wants a woman of thirty-six ...going on sixty-six?
“I don’t need anything for Christmas Auntie Amy, but thank you for asking.”
It was young Moira who spoke and she was really telling me that if I wanted to ask her again, she would give me a list as long as her arm. I smiled. Even this innocent duplicity brought out the tenderness in me.
“Oh! Yes you do ...and you and I are going shopping tomorrow,” I said, accepting the veiled decline. “Every young girl wants something and I want to get you something really nice.”
She blushed and looked guiltily at her mother.
“Would you rather they dropped the ‘Auntie’ bit Amy, or would you rather have it that way?” Stella asked on her last spoonful of sponge pudding with her eyebrows arched and searching, hoping she hadn’t said something out of place, but I was delighted for the opportunity she gave me. It would have sounded trite if I had made this suggestion on my own as I thought the family might think I was trying to dodge my age ...but I did prefer them to address me simply by my Christian name and when I said that was what I would prefer, they all gave a sort of sigh as if in relief from the formality of the visiting auntie who was also a maiden lady.
Stella then raised her eyebrows again and plonked some meat on Robbie’s plate and I wondered why she would do that for him and not for any of the others. After all he was fifteen. He wasn’t a baby.
“You’re so young looking to be called Auntie,” Stella went on. “You’re only a girl as yet ...I wish I had your looks and your lovely hair. Goodness knows what I would do Darling. I might run off with a soldier,”
We all laughed but I was stunned as well as grateful for the compliment. Nobody had said anything like that to me in years ...and even if she was being pleasant and polite, it was nice and very soon the family were all chatting amongst themselves again and accepting me as one of the Tribe, which gave me great pleasure. It was wonderful to be one of a crowd again and not to be so alone with so many responsibilities that I couldn’t share and I knew by the end of the evening I would dread going up to bed ...to be on my own again, where I could think ...
Eddy spoke of his ‘new car’ which turned out to be an old Ford Anglia that needed everything except the basic engine. It could be driven but only after much persuasion ... It was then I saw Frances helping Robbie to the salad ...even it was threatening snow outside. I wondered again, but held my silence. Perhaps it was the old financial problem again, I thought as I knew Stella wasn’t a wealthy woman ...but why Robbie and not the others? Didn’t she say that George did shift work in order to get more money and I began to have guilt feelings again, wondering what I could do to ease their burden a little, but then as an afterthought, I decided not to say anything on that matter, but to watch carefully and see if there was some way in which I could help, without it being noticed. There were ways of helping here, without putting a sign out to tell them what I was doing. I was sure of that ...but how? and I resolved from that moment on to assist in any way I could around the house, or with the children and to see if I could help financially, discreetly and without fuss. Everybody did something around the house, so it was difficult to pick up some chore that wasn’t already being done. Yes, everyone did something, except Robbie ...handsome, blond Robbie with the gorgeous deep blue eyes and the freckled nose did absolutely nothing ... but smile.
***
That same evening when the family had settled into their own way of living and after the excitement of the visit from the maiden aunt from London had died down, I sat alone with Stella. We had done the washing up together and everything was settled for the evening, not forgetting George’s hot dinner of chicken and roast potatoes ...without vegetables for when he would arrive home about eight o’clock. He had some over time and he was delighted with it I watched Stella sniff complacently as she took out a large canvas khaki bag that looked like something from an Army Surplus Requirements Store and I giggled.
“Don’t think I’ve run off with that soldier, will you Amy? This is just my knitting bag. I keep everything in here, Look!”
She produced all the items you would expect to find in a knitting bag and a lot more besides. There were the obvious threads of varying colours and similar wool rolled into tight balls to save space, needles, crimping scissors and a tattered tape measure that I doubt would have served the purpose for which it had been made, but the object that attracted my attention was a tiny picture in a faded silver frame. It was a baby, about one year old, I would have thought and Stella saw me looking at it.
“My Robbie,” she announced proudly and her mouth tightened into a proud smile, “I suppose you’re wondering why we all make such a fuss of him Amy, eh?”
I certainly was inquisitive but I didn’t want Stella to think I was being nosy.
“Why no,” I said “I don’t think I’ve noticed anything. They are all such lovely children and so helpful to each other.” Stella bit her lip and cut a small piece of red wool with her scissors.
“He’s ...He’s a little ...sub-normal, you know. The way he looks like,” she said slowly and stared at me sadly as if she wanted so much that I should understand and I wanted to reassure her that I did, even if this news came as a surprise to me.
“I think he looks perfectly normal, Stella ...and so handsome.”
Stella looked through a little tin box for some buttons, before she reached into her apron pocket and put on a pair of thick horn-rimmed glasses.
“Can’t see a bloody thing without these,” she said, “an’ I’m so bloody vain. Would you believe it? Hate wearing them.”
I looked tenderly at the woman who sat beside me and I felt ashamed. She had nothing to apologise to me for. She was beautiful and her family were a credit to her. I reached forward and touched her hand as she went on talking.
“He’s not ...he’s not a silly boy, you understand Amy,” she said without looking at me. “It’s just that he is slower than others and he finds it difficult to read an’ write an’ ... Amy, he’s only got a short life span, according to the doctors. I don’t know how long exactly, but they are sure he won’t make old bones.”
I wanted to cry, but I knew that wasn’t the thing to do, even if my nose felt all choked up and my eyes ached, but I couldn’t help thinking … Why was it allowed that this beautiful child was so afflicted, I thought ...but I couldn’t find an answer and I was sure his dear mother couldn’t either.
“How does George feel about him,” was all I could think to say, but Stella’s face lit up when I said that.
“Oh! He adores him. The apple of his daddy’s eyes is that one, I can tell you and the little bugger plays on it too …Oh! Sorry Amy, I didn’t mean that literally ...but you know what I mean, don’t you? I love him to bits myself, I do, but George coming as he does from the North ...well they use that word as a term of endearment.”
I squeezed Stella’s hand again to reassure her that I understood perfectly. If only I could tell her of the number of times I had used that word ... and worse, when mother was alive ...and it was no term of endearment in that time. If only I could have given vent to my feelings and my vocabulary more than I did, perhaps I wouldn’t be so bloody neurotic now, I thought and then I laughed ...Yes, I laughed aloud.
“What’s wrong Amy? Why are you laughing? Have I said something funny,” Stella asked, but I pushed back my hair from my face where it had fallen over my forehead and grinned.
“No nothing like that Stella. Just a thought I had, that’s all,” I answered and paused to recollect my thoughts.
“Is there anything ...I mean, anything medical that can be done to help Robbie,” I asked thinking of the time I had spent nursing and trying to recollect if I had seen a similar case ...but I hadn’t. “Is he under any treatment?”
Stella selected some small grey coloured buttons from her khaki bag for the cardigan she was working on.
“You know, I collect these damn things from old jumpers and coats an’ things. I even take buttons from the boys’ old shirts and fly buttons from their trousers. Stupid isn’t it, but it does save money.”
I looked solemnly at her, about to ask my question again, but she shook her head.
“He used to have electric shock treatment at St. Mark’s down in Rowthorne a few years back, but it made him so sick and he was weak for days after it and George decided, when we had to carry Robbie from the jeep when they came home and he was half unconscious, that we should have it stopped. We even thought at that time that he might have been epileptic as he used to have violent fits, but all that’s stopped since we stopped the electric shock treatment. I agreed with George, Amy. . If you’d seen Robbie at that time, you’d agree too, I’m sure. The treatment was worse than the complaint, we thought. He’s not getting any better, but then neither is he getting any worse and he doesn’t have those fits any more. The other kids help a lot too. Would you like a cup of tea or coffee or something Amy?”
I jumped at the opportunity to make myself useful when Stella asked me that and offered to make the drinks.
“I’ll do it Stella. You’ve been rushed off your feet all day and I know where everything is in the kitchen. You carry on with your knitting. It’s looking very nice, by the way. Who are you knitting for … George?”
Stella smiled her appreciation.
“Oh! No ...I know it looks big ...It really does, doesn’t it? It’s for Eddy. He’s getting broader than his dad.”
I went into the kitchen and made the tea and I found some digestive biscuits in the biscuit barrel. I also tried to assess what I might be able to do the next day to help with the kitchen stock as I cast my eye about without taking too long.
“Thanks Amy,” I could hear Stella call from the living room, “I’m not used to being waited on and you shouldn’t be doing this. You’re a guest here, you know.”
“And I’m not used to being a guest either. Besides, I’m really pleased to be able to do something. I’d love to do more. I’m not used to be waited on either.”
Stella’s face softened and she put her knitting aside.
“Oh! I’m sorry Amy. I should have spoken sooner about your dear mother, but I feel so embarrassed talking about ...well, people who have gone on ahead. It can be a very sore spot for those who are left behind.”
“Dead, you mean,” I said and Stella’s brow wrinkled.
“Well, I don’t know. Some people don’t like that word, do they?”
“Whatever you call it, it means the same Stella and I’m not worried how it’s described. Mother has gone now, dead, departed, gone on ahead ...doesn’t matter. She won’t come back.”
“Did she have a peaceful going? I mean, death, Amy?”
“Her death was peaceful enough. It was her life that was complicated,” I said and Stella bit her lower lip.
“You must have had a bloody hard time Amy. Want to talk about it?”
I sipped my tea and dunked my digestive biscuit. It broke up in my cup and floated over the top of my tea, but I pretended not to notice as I didn’t want to make a fuss.
“No, I don’t think so Stella. It was part of my life that had to be ...and I tried to do the best I could. I’d like to try and forget it now, if I can.”
Just then there was a joyous sound in the hall and George came storming into the room with Robbie sprawled across his shoulders; his legs dangling everywhere and the two giggling uncontrollably. George put the boy down when he saw me.
“Oh! Hello Amy …nice to see you again. Did you have a nice journey? Hope you’re well. Sorry to hear about your mother.” It all spilled out as if he was too embarrassed to think of any one thing to say to me, but I understood and he shook my hand with a grip of iron ...however, the look he gave me was one of gentle kindness and concern.
“Thanks George. It’s very nice of you and Stella to invite me down here and I think your family are wonderful. They have all been so kind to me and made me feel so very welcome. I’m very well and I had a very pleasant journey, thanks.”
George dug Robbie in the ribs and laughed again. I could see the adoration in the boy’s eyes as he struggled and tried to fight back, but George restrained him affectionately.
“No more than they should, Amy. We’re all glad you could come to visit us. If you’ll excuse me, I’ll just pop upstairs and wash before I come down to dinner.”
He felt about in the pocket of his jacket before he left the room and handed Robbie a bar of chocolate ...then he flew up the stairs, two at a time.
Chapter Two
THE SHOPPING EXPEDITION was extremely successful and I managed, with Moira’s expert help to buy presents for all the family. I also got a large store of kitchen groceries, a basket of fruit, with various kinds of nuts and of course some boxes of dates, together with a variety of fresh vegetables, thinking of George’s dinner where he only had the chicken and potatoes for his dinner the evening before. I thought this might help during my stay and I was conjuring up some way that I could take the whole family out to dinner.
Needless to say, Stella scolded me, but it would be ridiculous to say that she wasn’t grateful. I saw her look at the children, who returned her gaze, wide-eyed in wonder when they saw the large pineapple tottering on top of the oranges and pears. The Christmas turkey was 32 lbs. when it was delivered about half an hour after I got back to the house. It was the biggest in the shop and Stella could not believe her eyes.
“We have chicken usually,” she said, “It goes farther with my herd and I can make soup with the carcass ...oh! Amy ...thanks for all this …it is kind … I have noticed the fresh vegetables in particular and I think I know why you got them.”
I looked at her in surprise.
“You saw George’s dinner last night ...didn’t you and he only had the chicken and the potatoes?”
“Well ...?”
“Well, we do have vegetables a lot of the time, but if things are a little bit hard ...George and I cut down, so the kids can have more. They need it Amy ...we don’t.”
“You do Stella and so does George. He works long and hard. I worry for you, I really do.”
I couldn’t help voicing my worries, but I know I shouldn’t have done. However, Stella’s appreciation was something very new to me. I wasn’t used to this sort of kindness and I had never known anything like it for a very long time before. She reluctantly agreed to let me help cook the Christmas dinner, which was another joy to my heart. I was so happy with the family and I wanted to do all I could to make the Christmas one they wouldn’t forget for a long time.
***
It was wonderful to be with a real family at Christmas and to play silly games and to look totally irresponsible in a crepe paper hat. Blind man’s buff was so innocent and so full of charm that I cried with sheer joy under the blindfold and nearly knocked over the Christmas Tree, (dug up for the occasion from the back garden,) George guided me to the middle of the room again and Robbie made a point of being ‘caught’ whilst everyone else made out how clever he was. I held young Robbie in my arms and pretended to be surprised that I had caught him for the third time and I remember the fresh, clean smell of Palmolive soap that seemed to emanate from his smooth skin and his gay excited laughter as his pure breath brushed against my face. I wished again and again that I could have done something to help him as the others clapped and shouted ‘Bravo …Bravo!’ and a strange little verse that daddy used to sing to me, came to mind. It was a silly little ditty ...something that’s nothing, but the memory was real and it was more appropriate for Robbie than it had been for me, as it was meant to be sung to a boy.
