Where eer the wind blows, p.8
Where E'er the Wind Blows, page 8
Freya slurped her porridge mixture eagerly, without taking her eyes from me for a single moment. I thought at one moment I saw a slight glimmer of a smile, but it could well have been the movement of her mouth as she swallowed, but as we were coming to the end of the gruel and the spoonfuls were getting less and less, Freya started to snort and grunt and her eyes took on a savage look, which frightened me for a moment. I drew myself up to my full height and smiled at her.
“It’s all gone dear. Look, there’s no more left, see?”
I tried to let her look into the bowl, but she just lay back when I took my hand from her shoulders and gave a sort of a sneeze, where I was obliged to clean the end of her nose ...or snout, however you preferred to call it, although it resembled the latter more than the former.
This action also worried me because as I touched her skin with a tissue, it was not the skin of a baby.
“Shall we have a little drink now Darling?” I asked, trying to pretend to myself that everything was normal, but the creaking behind me was beginning to wear me down and I put out my hand to stay the wooden thing before it got me to screaming point. The rocking stopped and I gave Freya a drink from the feeding cup that Aggie had put on the tray, where I noticed there were three green tablets there too and a little note on which was written ‘To be administered T.D.S. Three tabs after meals,’ and I smiled. I hadn’t read instructions like that since I had been in hospital nursing, but I knew what to do as I slipped the pills into Freya’s snout of a mouth. I made a funny face at her, hoping for a little response of a smile, but there was nothing and I checked to ensure that she didn’t need further changing before I tucked her down under the sheets again and withdrew, taking the tray with me to the kitchen. The horse started to rock again as I passed it, but I ignored it with a rude sign of the fingers and closed the door quietly behind me.
***
“Well ...What do you think then, Amy? I tried to tell you last night, didn’t I? It’s not something you can put into words, is it? I mean, it’s not natural ...well, I don’t think so ….not for any child to look at you in that way.” Aggie tried to explain just as Anna came through the door.
“That will do Aggie. I will talk with Amy now, if you don’t mind.” Anna looked sternly at her housekeeper for a moment before she smiled at me again. “Oh! and could we have dinner about eight on Friday evening, please Aggie. Gerry has invited Mr. Capriano from the hospital and they won’t be here much before that.”
Aggie looked from Anna to me in stern amazement, but she knew she would have to accept the situation, regardless of how she felt or whatever opinions she held regarding Freya.
“Of course,” she answered, “Eight o’clock will be fine. It’s cold meat anyway, as always on a Friday, unless you want something special?”
Anna hesitated and looked down at the carpet.
“Well ...A roast would be better if you can manage it Aggie, but cold beef will do if you can’t. I’ll leave it to you dear.”
Aggie felt somewhat relaxed at the term of endearment that Anna used and returned to the kitchen, whilst Anna took my arm and led me into the drawing room again where we had spoken before. We sat down with Anna on the large settee facing me on the plush cushion chair by the log fire. I was sure she could not have avoided my look of apprehension as she started to speak, but if she did, she did not acknowledge it.
“I can’t say very much at the moment Amy ... except perhaps to assure you that the boys like you. Little Gideon is not so affectionate in his ways as Anton, but please don’t be put off by his outward demeanour. If he didn’t like you he wouldn’t even have spoken to you and all this nonsense about having to go to the lavatory urgently, was just an excuse to watch your reaction to Anton. He had already been to the toilet before I introduced you to him ...and as for getting a kiss ...even one like his, is certainly a breakthrough. He doesn’t kiss easily, you know. I am hoping that the next little one will be a girl, but perhaps I shouldn’t say that ...well, as long as it is healthy, I don’t really mind.” Anna patted her tummy as she spoke, “Amy ...I am sorry if you seem to have been thrown into our family at the deep end, so to speak ...but you will realize now, how we could never have explained our situation on the telephone, or even in a letter and most probably we would have just gone on as we were except for ...this.”
She touched her stomach again and smiled. “I will explain everything in more detail and tell you all about Freya, if you decide to stay with us, otherwise, it will only be a waste of time. You see that, don’t you?”
I nodded and stared at the floor, studying the pattern on the carpet as though it had a particular interest for me, when in reality, I don’t think I even saw it clearly ...I know it was a reddish, brown sort of colour, but that’s about all. Anna reached over and touched my arm gently.
“I am so ashamed Amy. ...I simply could not cope with this on my own and we were relying on the right and particular person coming along to help ...I hope it will be you, especially now that the other little one is due.”
I kept staring ...staring and wondering ...wondering and staring.
“Did Mr. Rowbottom know of Freya when he interviewed me for the job?” I asked, still staring into the blankness before me and Anna winced as she tugged at the side zip of her skirt.
“Yes ...It was he who suggested advertising for a nanny,” she said slowly, “You see, with the new baby due and the circumstances as they are with the boys still at school although they are at home most of the time and every weekend, it seemed the best thing to do ...and I wanted someone in whom I could confide, Amy. A nurse could have been very impersonal, don’t you think?”
I ignored her logic.
“Was Freya ...was she born this way, Anna?” I asked and watched Anna’s reaction. She looked directly into my eyes as she answered.
“Yes. It was a pure accident of birth, Amy … It was an accident that should never have happened.” She said and with that, she turned quickly away from me as though to rid her mind of her thoughts. “I promise, as I have said, I will tell you everything you have to know, if you decide to stay with us Amy, but I can’t bear to talk about it anymore at this stage. ...Please understand.”
I looked at her as she sat so uncomfortably before me, pulling at her waistband and I knew I was being a headstrong fool. I knew I was accepting the impossible again. Wasn’t mother enough? ? Why did I have to embrace any more inconvenience to my life? Why couldn’t I just live simply, like everyone else and why was it that everything that happened to me had to have such a dramatic score? Why did I have to be the one who would look after the lame duck?.I wasn’t just making a victim of myself when I told Anna that I would stay at Glencara for as long as she needed me ...I had made myself a holocaust. . . .
Chapter Eight
I SPENT MOST OF THE FIRST DAYS AT GLENCARA WITH FREYA, trying to understand more of what I saw before me and hoping that the day would soon come when I would look at the child without total disgust and abhorrence ...for those were the feelings I had in my heart. I wanted to feel differently, but it was so difficult. I wanted to regard her as just another little girl ...another patient and I would probably have succeeded if it hadn’t been for that damned rocking horse that leered at me from every angle and creaked away it’s stupid existence, so near to me in Freya’s room.
I was always glad when I heard the boys running and squealing in the corridor outside her room as then I knew they were home from school. I would rush to the bedroom door and pop my head outside, hoping for a glimpse of them, to find Anton, staring at me and enquiring silently if Freya was alright. He was a very caring boy, but Gideon was always in the toilet …
“Yes,” I would say to Anton, “Freya has had a good day ...very quiet, but she is happy.” ... and I would hope he would be content with that answer and not always ask to see her, as sometimes the dear Freya was anything but presentable.
“Are you going to stay with us then Amy,” he asked me on the Friday, my third day with them and I nodded and smiled.
“But only if you keep your promise to invite me to the school concert,” I added, knowing that he was doing a solo there and I was most anxious to hear him playing with the school orchestra background. He smiled broadly and blushed and I thought then of how he would be when he was a few years older. The girls would rush ... .I was sure.
“Oh! I am so glad Amy. We all are ...That you are staying, I mean,” he said, “and of course you should come to the concert. Papa will bring you.” I was about to go back into my caring when Anton touched my arm and looked into my eyes. “Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you Amy. I know how trying it must be to look after Freya, but we love her ...All of us do ...you understand, don’t you?”
I was about to assure him that everything was alright and that I could manage very well, when Gideon appeared from the bathroom adjusting his flies.
“Oh! God, I forgot you were here ...em ...Amy,” he blurted and then beamed as he added a great joke ...or so I imagined he thought it was. “A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, eh?”
I closed Freya’s door quietly and was highly amused, but I thought Gideon too would be a heart throb when he got older and hoped he wouldn’t always do what a man’s gotta do ...or he might land himself in serious trouble.
I had hardly got back to Freya’s bedside when there was a knock on her door again.
“Amy ...Amy,” I could hear Gideon calling, “Come down and listen to us playing, will you?” He called out and I looked to see if Freya was asleep ...fortunately she was and I was delighted. The ‘noise’ would be a welcome distraction even if I knew I would have to return to the ‘Cage’ very soon ...and to the squeaking horse.
I looked around to ensure that everything was alright in Freya’s room before I went downstairs to the lounge where Anton and Gideon were already waiting; instruments to hand and music sheets being thumbed and viewed with profound expertise.
“Perhaps Freya would like to come and listen too, “Anton pointed to the little girl’s room upstairs as he spoke, but my heart fell. How could I refuse?
“Oh! ... Not again, for goodness sake ...Does she have to?” It was Gideon who saved the day with his honest if somewhat brusque mannerism. “We had her all day Sunday. Why do we have to have her so soon again?” he added and Anton tried to smile.
“Amy might like her to be here,” he said slowly and I knew that his eyes were searching for mine however Anna appeared at the bottom of the stairs at that moment.
“Perhaps it would be best to let Freya rest for a little while, Anton,” she interrupted, “And besides, Amy might want to give you two all her attention without having to care for Freya as she listens. Fair’s fair now, isn’t it?”
I don’t know if Anna guessed my dilemma at that moment, but I was so relieved to have that short break and to pamper myself with the ‘Noise’ instead of the hermetically silent ‘Cage’ or the monotonous creaking of that horse.
“Isn’t your husband home yet Anna? I thought he collected the boys from school?” I asked looking around for Gerry as I was sure he would have been part of the audience.
“Oh! No he won’t be home till later Amy. I collected the boys, but we are hoping you might ...if you don’t mind, particularly when I’m in hospital?”
I said I would be delighted and explained again that it was quite some time since I had last driven a car, but Amy waved her hand in the air.
“No problem Amy. Take the old crock out any time and get a bit of practise an’ you’ll be alright ...you’ll see. Now come on boys. Have you got your music ready? Gideon ...Gideon, where’s Gideon, Anton. I thought he was here a moment ago.”
Anton had already perched himself, with one buttock on a high stool as Gideon emerged again from the toilet ...where else?
“I’ve been dying for a pee all afternoon and old schnozzle Archer wouldn’t let me leave the classroom. Silly old ...Oh! Sorry Amy. Didn’t realize you were there. Should have done though, I invited you didn’t I? “
Will he ever get used to me being in the house, I asked myself and grinned as he took his place beside his brother, holding his violin, tucked under his chin and without supporting it in any way with his hands. It stuck out from under his face as he fumbled around in his trouser pocket for something that must have been important from the strained look in his eye.
“I have to use this under my chin, you see Amy,” he fluttered his eyelids as he spoke and produced a neatly ironed handkerchief, which he shook in the air. “I’ve got such tender skin, you see ...not like old Antoninus here. I break out in a nasty rash if I don’t protect myself.”
It all sounded so professional to me and I wondered what I was about to witness with all this preparation for the ‘Noise’
Anna raised her hands in the air.
“Now then ...Are we ready?” she called out, “Anton? Gideon?”
“Yes mamma,” the duo answered as they strung a few random cords across the strings which I later found out in confidence from Anton, to be a warm-up ... and I waited, hoping they wouldn’t wake Freya up.
***
The sound that came was sweet and gentle, rather doleful at first with long sonorous notes to follow ...Long and strong and passionate as the music blended into the air in complete harmony. I was astounded and held my breath as I didn’t expect such beauty to come from the frivolous, fun-making hands of the two boys who stood before me. They were so young and yet very mature as they stood there, poised and swaying where Anton had rid himself of the high stool and was standing free of any prop. They played and swayed to the sound of the music, with such controlled and disciplined notes that made me gasp. This was no ‘Noise’ ... this was sheer beauty. ... I learned later from Anton that they had played ‘The Romance, Opus eleven’ by Dvorzak and he gave me the life story of the composer as well ...together with his musical history. I was edified beyond words at my first encounter with the ‘musicians of Glencara’ and I began to realize that I had entered into a world of extremes, with the strains of genius in the parlour and the strange little Freya, lying snorting her life away upstairs.
***
Gerry ushered his friend into the dining room and sat him opposite me at the table, but not before we shook hands as Anna introduced him to me as Steven Capriano. He was tall and dark and quite extraordinarily good looking, wearing gold rimmed spectacles that gave him a dignified air and which he removed when he entered into conversation with you as if they would deter his hearing in some strange way. His temples were greying just like Jerry’s.
Aggie brought in her sumptuous repast of roast beef with all the accessories and trimmings ...a meal fit for a king and I was delighted to see Aggie sit down with us at table. Anton and Gideon behaved impeccably, much to my surprise as the conversation spilled over from business at the Clinic where Steven was also a psychiatrist, to the forthcoming school concert where I knew the boys would be playing and of course last but certainly far from least ...the new baby
Everyone was very kind and brought me into every topic of discussion as though I had been an old friend of the family and I was very happy. Even Aggie was completely at home and no-one showed any sign of embarrassment at such a diverse gathering of such different people. Steven Capriano was looking at me on the few occasions when I happened to catch his eye, possibly out of curiosity as I hadn’t dressed for dinner … .well, not formally ...and I had forgotten that we were expecting a guest. I was a little embarrassed later when Steven had gone and Anna remarked how he never took his eyes off me all evening. I know she was trying to be kind, but I did feel somewhat awkward and my thoughts were interrupted many times during the meal where I was thinking about Freya, knowing that, although she was so much part of the family ...and the main reason why I was at Glencara, she was so much out of the picture, in every way. I tried to put myself in her situation so many times ...to be able to grasp the fullest reality of her existence, but I couldn’t. I knew I would have to wait until I had studied her ways more and had been longer with her ...and I still wasn’t sure if she was brain damaged in any way. She never spoke and I got the impression that she never understood what I was saying to her, and yet ...there was something behind those eyes that frightened me. A superior intelligence perhaps … or was I meandering into my imaginative world again? I found myself wondering how she would grow up and how she would be accepted by other human beings ...many whom I am sure would be anything but kind and yet, Anton and Gideon loved her. So did Gerry and Anna, but was that simply because she was a blood relative? How would she fare with others who were not related … Especially other children? Everything was O.K. in the world of Glencara, but what of the cruel and intolerant world outside. The wind blew wild and furious out there …
