A quiet dissonance, p.18
A Quiet Dissonance, page 18
Christmas was quiet. They’d placed a few presents under the tree for each other, and Anu had hung up a stocking for Neha with little books and oranges as stocking fillers. She’d bought Neha some toys, and Ravi the cologne he’d been coveting the last few months. But come Christmas morning, there was an enormous package with her name on it under the tree.
“What’s this?”
“Open it. You won’t find out until you do.”
She unwrapped the package carefully, revealing a Professional Artists Oil Colour box that contained a variety of oil paints and accessories. There was a wooden palette, a painting knife, three charcoal sticks, brushes, white spirit, a colour mixing brochure and a variety of oil colours.
“Ravi!” She gasped. “This is too much.”
“No, I don’t think it is. I saw you trying to squeeze colour out of those tubes you have upstairs. How old are they anyway? So, this is absolutely spot on.”
“My goodness, it’s wonderful! I feel so guilty now for not doing enough painting.”
“As you should! This is my little kick up your rear to get you started again. Why don’t you finish that scary one first, and then maybe you can paint something more cheerful?”
She hugged him, nodding, too choked up to say any more.
* * *
After a lunch of turkey and trimmings that he’d insisted on cooking, they lazed in front of the television, watching Neha lick her ice cream as she assembled the Lego that Ravi had bought her.
“You never told me how that drinks evening went.”
“It was okay.”
“Did you find out what was going on with those ladies?”
“No, not really. Didn’t get a chance to talk to Julie much. She was much too fascinated with Cathy that evening.”
“She looked amazing, Anu. My mouth fell open when I saw her leaving as we arrived.”
“Not you too!” Anu elbowed him in the ribs.
“Oww! Here have some more cheese.”
He poured her a glass of port to go with the Brie.
“Cathy is the flavour of the month now. Julie’s invited her to the Ball.”
“I thought the table only sits ten?”
“She’s not sitting at our table, but Andy and her will be at one nearby. Julie is making sure of it.”
“Do I detect jealousy?”
“Of course not. You know how much I like Cathy. I’m just not sure anymore about what the politics of the situation are?”
“Politics of the situation? Aren’t you reading too much into it? It’ll be fun to have Cathy and Andy there. At least there’ll be another bloke I know, not just the husbands of these ladies.”
“That’s true. I think you’ll enjoy it, Ravi. When was the last time we danced the night away?”
“Not for a long, long time. But madame, that can be amended straight away.”
With that, Ravi turned up the volume on the Christmas carols, hauled her out of the sofa despite her protestations and started twirling her around the room. Neha sat up, clapping her hands and squealing. He grabbed her as well, and they ended up dancing together. In that moment, Anu felt such unadulterated happiness that she thought her heart might burst with it.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
When they got to the Ball, it was already past 8 p.m. and Anu was slightly panicked at being late.
“It’s a ball, Anu, trust me, they’ll still be drinking and mingling. The dinner won’t be served till 8:30 p.m., remember?”
“I know Ravi, but I’ve got this fear of being late... ”
“Of being judged, you mean? As if these people don’t have issues that delay them.”
“What was wrong with Neha?”
“Nothing. She was just a little freaked to be left with someone she doesn’t know.”
“But Lauren seems like such a sweet girl? I’m glad she calmed Neha down.”
“They’ll be fine. If there’s any trouble I’ll go, okay? You can stay and enjoy yourself.”
“If anything happens, we’ll both leave. I don’t want to stay without you.”
“Okay, deal! Now, let’s go have some fun.”
* * *
Julie, Jemima, Louise and Jill were all chatting together at the table. Their husbands were standing at the bar. Ravi gave her hand a gentle squeeze.
“What did I tell you?”
Anu approached them, noting how absorbed they were in their conversation. Louise was the first one to look up.
“Oh look, Anoo’s here. What a pretty dress that is!”
“Thank you,” Anu mouthed, slipping in next to them.
Jemima didn’t betray the slightest hint of embarrassment at having been caught out in the midst of a lie as she remarked, “Have you been to the hairdresser’s? That’s a pretty elaborate hairdo!”
Anu had gone the extra mile, not knowing just how much one needed to dress up for these parties. A ball sounded grand, so she’d had her hair done professionally. But looking around her, she wondered if she’d overdone it. The women at her table had a casual elegance about them, as if they’d pulled an old frock out of their wardrobes, thrown it on with a few diamonds and a slick of lipstick, brushed their hair and headed out. In comparison, her efforts seemed ludicrous.
She wondered whether asking Jemima about her excuse would be enough of a repartee, but decided not to. What was the point, anyway? So, she just smiled and shrugged, looking around to see if Cathy and Andy had arrived.
It didn’t take long to spot Cathy, who was surrounded by a group of admiring men and women.
“Who is that woman?” Jill asked, looking in the same direction as her.
Cathy was wearing a fitted red dress, with a neckline that plunged down to her navel. Her long hair was swept to one side reminiscent of Veronica Lake, her earlobes and wrists glittered with a profusion of diamanté’s that gave the entire ensemble an old Hollywood vibe.
“She’s the one I told you about. Anoo’s neighbour. Isn’t she gorgeous?”
“Mmmm. Let’s call her over before she gets swooped up by Zoe’s lot.”
Zoe had just walked in with a handsome older man.
“Oooh, look Jill! Look who's just walked in.”
“She’s looking very thin, isn’t she?”
“Is that Balenciaga?”
“It would be, with Zoe! She doesn’t do Karen Millen.”
Anu leaned towards Jill and asked, “Didn’t you used to be good friends with Zoe?”
Jill gave her a look that could curdle milk.
“We’re still friends.”
“Oh. I just thought... ”
“Well, don’t.”
* * *
When the men came back to the table, they sat in the alternate fashion that the table placements indicated. Anu had Ravi on her right and Paul, Jemima’s husband, on her left. Ravi was busy chatting with Louise, so Anu turned to Paul, not sure how to start a conversation. She’d only met Paul in passing, and knew him to be a quiet, gentlemanly sort. Thin and greying, he was Jemima’s perfect foil, never saying much to her outlandish ideas, her strange obsessions, and her extravagant habits. This she knew because of all that Jemima had told her over the years. There was a solid kind of love there, which Anu wondered if Jemima truly appreciated. At any rate, he was always happy to leave the ladies to their karaoke or movie evenings, saying a quick ‘hello’ before melting into the background.
“This is nice, isn’t it?” She said, hoping it would be enough of an opening.
“Yes.” He nodded, biting into the carpaccio. “Although,” he took a sip of his water, “after a while, they all blend into one. I couldn’t tell one ball apart from another.”
“It’s my first one, so I am quite excited! Ravi has loads of work things he goes to in London, but I don’t really get the opportunity.”
“Then I’m glad you’re enjoying it.” He smiled at her kindly. “Jemima tells me you’re an artist?”
“I used to be. Not really much of one now. I’ve got this one piece that I’ve been working on for such a long time that I think Ravi’s given up hope that I’ll ever complete it.”
“Tell me, do you have some sort of idea in your mind, or is it all very organic the way you paint?”
“I think it’s a bit of both, really. I mean, a lot of it is very emotional with me. Normally I start a painting as a response to something that’s going on in my life, then I keep layering those emotions on in different ways. So, it can begin as one thing and end up as something else entirely!”
“And why is this latest one taking you so long?”
“A lot of it is just my being confused internally... ” She paused as the waiter took away their appetiser plates and refilled her wine glass. “When I can’t make sense of my emotions, I tend to stall.”
* * *
Later, as the desserts were being served, Ravi leaned her way conspiratorially. “You’re getting along well with what’s-his-name?”
“Paul is his name Ravi, don’t be rude. He’s really nice, much more than Jemima’s ever led me to believe.”
“Well, this is one smart lady on my right. Did you know she’s the head of... ”
Just then Andy clapped his hands on Ravi’s shoulders.
“Hello mate! Been wanting to come over and see you, but they keep feeding us. How are you, Anoo?”
She smiled up at Andy, wondering where Cathy had gotten to.
“Must say, I wasn’t keen on coming, but Cath insisted. I’m glad we did, though. Friendly folk here. I’m making loads of connections for my business too.”
Ravi and he fell into a conversation as Anu scanned the room. She spotted lots of familiar faces. At one point Natalie, dressed in electric blue, waved to her from the other side of the room. Zoe, shimmering in her gold ensemble, table-hopped with a glass of wine in her hand, her escort moodily following her.
Mums she only saw in passing in school looked glamorous in their sparkly dresses and heels, their husbands bonding together over their beers.
Paul had left the table, so she looked to her left at Jemima, who had taken a bite of her dessert and pushed the plate away.
“Don’t you like it?”
Anu had polished off her own Tiramisu, loving every bit.
“It’s okay. I’m really quite full. I see that you liked yours?” She grinned at Anu, a glimpse of the earlier Jemima emerging.
“You know what a sweet tooth I have…”
“Staying for the dancing?”
“Yes, but only till 1 a.m. Then we have to go home to relieve the babysitter.”
“How are you getting home?”
“Oh, we’ll get a cab. Ravi will call for one.”
“Anoo, don’t be silly. You’ll never get a cab on a Saturday evening. All these people have probably pre-booked theirs.”
“I didn’t realise... ”
“Don’t worry, I’ll get Paul to drop you home.”
“No, no. We’ll figure something out. Please don’t bother Paul.”
“It’s no bother. You know he doesn’t drink, so he’ll be happy to drive you home.”
* * *
When they were on the dance floor, Anu told Ravi of Jemima’s offer. The music was so loud she had to lean towards him, shouting it into his ear.
“That’s cool!” He gave her a thumbs-up, happy to boogie away.
She danced self-consciously, looking at all the surrounding couples who seemed to be having a grand time. She should have been enjoying herself similarly, but a familiar thought nagged at her. She didn’t belong, she would never belong.
A lady in a short black dress shimmied past her, another mother from the school whose name Anu did not know. She would never have recognised her if it wasn’t for her distinctive pageboy haircut. Normally always in sensible trousers and shoes, this transformation was startling. Coy at times, flirtatious at others, the woman danced with all the school dads in her vicinity, spinning and twirling, crooking her index finger in a ‘come hither’ way to her next partner. Anu wondered who her husband was, but in a sea of penguin-like men, it was impossible to distinguish him. So many of the mothers looked and behaved so differently, as though they had shed their normal personas to emerge Cinderella-like, transformed for this one night alone. She wondered what they thought of her. Did she still come across as dowdy or was her glammed-up self matching up to theirs?
Two arms encircled her from the back, and Anu nearly jumped out of her skin. She turned around to look into Cathy’s laughing face.
“Little Anoo! You look so scared. Nobody’s going to bite here. They are all wonderful... just wonderful... ”
Anu laughed at an obviously tipsy Cathy, hooking her arm with hers and thinking to herself, this is wonderful, stop all your silly worrying!
* * *
❖
Once the babysitter had been paid and dispatched, and Neha looked in on, Anu left the door to their ensuite bathroom open as she wiped the makeup off her face
“Did you enjoy yourself tonight, Ravi?”
“Yes, it was fine.”
“Just fine?”
“No, it was nice. But more importantly, did you have fun?”
“Oh, I loved it!” Anu swiped the eyeliner off an eye, then looked out at Ravi sprawled on the bed, his arms behind his head, almost dozing. “But there was a moment there when I felt like we were… I was… a bit out of place.”
“When was this?”
“On the dance floor. I don’t know, it was a strange feeling. I get it sometimes.”
“I noticed that your friends didn’t dance at all.”
“Yeah, that was a bit odd. They seemed happy to sit and chat.”
She got into bed with him, smelling of minty toothpaste and lingering perfume, her hair unpinned and falling in waves on her shoulder.
Ravi nuzzled her shoulder.
“Anu…”
“Mmmm?”
“Don’t mind what I’m about to say.”
Her eyes flew open, and she turned to him inquiringly.
“You do know that they were all headed to Jemima’s place afterwards?”
“What?”
“Yeah, I heard the other husbands discussing it. They were going over for a nightcap. One of them - Charles, is it? I think he saw I’d overheard, and he just gave me a sheepish look and changed the topic.”
“Who was going?”
“Everyone at that table but us.”
“I see.”
“I didn’t want you to find out later from someone else.”
Her eyes filled with tears.
“And here I thought Jemima was being so kind, getting Paul to drop us off.”
“Anu, listen! Look at me. Shhh, no tears please. These aren’t your friends, not really. I think the sooner you come to terms with this, the better it will be.”
“But what have I done, Ravi? Why have I suddenly been cut out like this?”
“Does it matter? From what I saw today, and from what I’ve heard from you over the last few months, these are shallow women. You were an amusement for a while, and now they’re bored with you. They’ve moved on to newer and shinier toys. Let it go, Anu. It’s their loss much more than it is yours.”
* * *
Loss was a word Anu had lived with all her life. From losing her father as a toddler to never having the stable influence of a mother, from living in a hostel to moving in with her elderly grandparents, she had never once felt that anything in her life was solid or concrete. Not until Ravi and Neha had she ever been able to call someone her own. In her futile search for belonging and sisterhood, she had invested far too much in the wrong people. Why couldn’t she be like the others - able to take or leave relationships? Able to accept people at face value and not delve too deep into their motivations? Was her intensity, her commitment, a turnoff? Was she herself so pitiable, so contemptible, that she could only repel those that she wished to belong with?
The edges of her canvas seemed to ooze with the darkness of her despair. The black paint that she applied layer after layer enhanced the crimsons and the browns she had started out with. With each additional brushstroke, she painted on her loneliness, her anger and the sharpness of the rejection inflicted upon her. It was easy for Ravi to say “let it go”, for Nonita to tell her not to change, for Simone to accuse her of being vacuous. But what did they understand of her need to belong? This need that sprung up from some deep, hidden place that propelled her to search for unconditional acceptance. If only love was enough - because love she had, from her husband and her daughter, who were her world. Yet this need, this desire, was something entirely different. Perhaps it was wanting to set down roots in a land and amongst people who were not her own, or perhaps it was a symptom of her acute and inescapable loneliness.
Emptying her emotions on the canvas should have been cathartic. Instead, she felt bereft.
Looking at the painting in front of her, she realised that it had morphed to something beyond the original horror show that Ravi and Neha had recoiled from. There was something disturbing about it now, as though every curve and every sharp corner was designed to weep as well as wound. It was not complete, but in its incompleteness, it screamed a silent and plaintive cry - a plea for understanding. A plea that seemed to come from a void and fall on deliberately deaf ears. No words could capture the emotions that swirled upon that canvas. No words were needed.
Suddenly exhausted, Anu stepped away from her painting, unable to look at it any more. She was done. If it was to be unfinished, then so be it. Turning her back on it, Anu decided that it was time to turn her back on this chapter of her life too.
* * *
❖
Determined to put on a brave face, Anu smiled at the group of mothers gathered at the gate as she ushered Neha in on Monday morning. What good would it do to show her hurt? So she pretended to be preoccupied, waving briefly at Julie as she walked back to her car.
Getting in, she decided that she was through with looking for approval or acceptance. Yes, it would have been nice to have had a group of good and loyal friends, but maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Maybe people like her didn’t get things like that. Maybe they didn’t deserve it.
