A quiet dissonance, p.4
A Quiet Dissonance, page 4
“That’s a shame. It’s nice to have a life outside of all this,” Helen glanced around the room. “I’m a part-time receptionist at the surgery. It keeps me sane.”
“Do you just have one child?”
“I have three. But two of them are already at secondary school. Jacob’s my youngest. I had him when I was forty, my surprise baby.” She beamed. “I wouldn’t change it for the world.”
Natalie leaned over to them. “I was thinking of organising a trick-or-treat walkabout on the 31st of October, seeing as Zoe’s already taken over the Christmas planning.” She grinned at them. “Interested?”
“Sure,” Helen winked back at her. “Better pick up the crumbs before she swoops those up, too.”
They laughed together, as though privy to some inside joke. Anu laughed alongside politely, confused by the mild snarkiness on display.
Zoe’s hands waved about, the diamonds flashing in the sunlight streaming through the windows of the cafe.
“We must have a mother’s dinner, and a parent’s drinks night too. Neil was saying it’s been a while since we caught up with all the parents. Local pub’s being refurbished by the new owners; it’ll be fun to see what they’ve done with it.”
“I’ve heard they’ve removed the pool table, and it’s a wine bar now,” chirped the tiny woman sitting next to Zoe, her dark ponytail swishing. “I can’t wait to have a decent place to go to. The old place was so grubby and filled with all kinds of people.” She gave a delicate shudder.
Zoe’s blue eyes blazed. “This place is really going downhill with all sorts moving in. I said to Neil that maybe we should consider moving to another area, but he relies on the train to go to work, so I guess we’ll just have to stay and put up with it.”
“It doesn’t mean that we actually have to mingle with them though, does it?” Jill added. “As long as they leave us alone, we’ll leave them alone.”
“Yes, but our children have to, don’t they?”
Anu’s mouth had fallen open slightly. Was all of this aimed at her?
“Don’t be shocked, this is their weekly rant.” Helen whispered. “Just ignore it.”
“Really ladies!” Natalie called out. “Get off your soapbox. We’ve got some new mums here. What are they going to think of us?”
“Oh, sorry!” Zoe looked at Anu directly for the first time. “Didn’t mean to be rude, but this is becoming a nation of scroungers. You just have to go down to Holly Drive to see all the people who are living off our taxes. Anyway, I’ll stop here before Miss Leftie here has another go at me.”
She said this affectionately; her gaze warming as it landed on Natalie. Clearly they were friends with opposing viewpoints, but friends nonetheless.
Anu wondered where that placed her in this hierarchy of women. Somewhere at the bottom, she surmised. Not white enough or rich enough to belong, but not entirely down-and-out to be completely dismissed either. She guessed she’d have to live with that for now.
CHAPTER THREE
Anu had taken to popping in for a tea with Susan every Wednesday morning. It hadn’t taken her long to ascertain that Susan was just as lonely as her. Neither of her children lived close or visited often.
That morning she had taken along a bit of the cake she had baked. It was her very first attempt, a simple sponge recipe she had gotten off the internet.
“Well, what do you think?”
“It’s nice,” Susan commented, taking a second bite out of the rock-hard cake.
“No, it’s not.” Anu felt ashamed, realising that the little old lady was only trying to spare her feelings. “I just can’t seem to get a handle on this baking thing. The last cake, I had to throw away because it was uncooked in the middle. Ravi just told me to stop wasting my time and all these ingredients.”
“Anoo dear, it takes time to master baking. I am no expert, but I used to bake a lot when my children were younger, and I can tell you that the tiniest thing could ruin a cake. For instance, you’ve probably baked this at a very high temperature and that’s why it’s turned out this hard. Just keep practising and one day it’ll all come together.”
“With cooking, I only took a few months to pick it up. I knew the basics, of course, but Ravi likes me to try out more exotic stuff too. I think I’m a fairly decent cook...”
“Better than decent, my dear. Your curries are delicious, although I can’t always take the heat in them. Thank you for the last lot you brought over. It tided me over a few dinners. And remind me to give you your Tupperware before you leave.”
They chatted for a bit longer before Anu got up to rinse the cups at the sink.
“Do you need me to pick anything up from Sainsbury? I’m headed there this afternoon.”
“Oh no, I’m all right. I got my groceries from the Co-op just yesterday.”
Anu knew Susan survived on her pension, and Sainsbury’s prices were probably beyond her purse. She worried about her though, watching her scrimp and save even on daily necessities.
“Has Jan called recently?”
“No, not really. I imagine she’s very busy with all the new children she’s taken in after school.”
Susan’s daughter Jan was a childminder who was always too busy to stop by and see her mother. Lately, it appeared she was too busy to even call. Susan and her son Mark’s wife had had a falling out many years ago, and he had cut off all ties with his mother thereafter.
Susan never blamed her children. In fact, she always sought to deflect the blame off them, making constant excuses for their wilful disregard of their mother.
“Have you heard?” Susan brought the plates up behind her. “New neighbours at number 11.”
“Oh? When?”
“It just sold, so I expect they’ll be moving in in a few days’ time.”
In their little cul-de-sac, this was news. Populated by pensioners or older working couples, it would be interesting to see who would move in a few doors down. Anu hoped they had children that Neha could play with.
* * *
“I’ve booked them!” Ravi walked in through the front door in the evening, looking smug.
“Booked what?” Anu looked up from laying the plates on the table.
“The tickets to India, of course. Have you forgotten already?”
Anu had indeed forgotten. In fact, she had pushed it to the back of her mind. Now she tried appearing pleased for Ravi’s sake.
“I was thinking. Do you want to go up to Nainital to see your mother? We could go just after New Year’s for a few days.”
“Ravi, school reopens on the 5th of January. I don’t think we’ll have the time.”
“Neha can miss school for a few days. That shouldn’t be a problem in Reception year.”
“No! I don’t want us getting a reputation. They were saying on the radio the other day that Asian parents are the worst for attendance. Apparently the government wants to institute some kind of fine for taking children out during term time. I hope you’re bringing us back in time for school?”
“Arey baba,1 don’t worry! We’ll be back on the 4th. I’ve booked the tickets from the 21st to the 4th, just a fortnight like we’d discussed.”
“Hmm, okay.”
“You could show a bit more enthusiasm, you know. You’re going to be meeting your friends too.”
What friends? Neha wanted to ask. They were mostly his friends, and she had to mingle politely with their wives who, once again, she had nothing in common with.
“What about asking Nonita to come up from Mumbai? Wouldn’t you like to catch up with her?”
His words brought an unexpected pang of nostalgia. Nonita had been her best friend, her only friend for the longest time. Now she was a hotshot editor at a women’s magazine in Mumbai. They had communicated for a while after Anu’s marriage, but that had dwindled to a few cards sent on birthdays every year. It would be nice to catch up with her.
“Can I go to Mumbai instead, for a few days?”
“What?” Ravi looked a bit shocked, but then smiled at her expectant face. “Yes, why not? Varsha bua and I can handle Neha between us, I suppose.”
With an extra spring in her step, Anu ladled out the biryani onto their plates. It would be nice to revisit the happier memories of her childhood and youth with Nonita. She couldn’t wait to call her.
* * *
❖
Nonita’s squeal was still ringing in her ear as she disconnected the call. Her excitement hadn’t been faked in the slightest. She had promised to take her to all the hotspots in Mumbai and introduce her to all her friends, before Anu had reminded her gently that she wanted to spend time with her, not her friends. And she couldn’t care less about the hotspots. Nonita had promised then that for two days it would just be them, wine and reminiscing.
Anu smiled as she recalled their youthful forays into fashion. How Noni would sit with the film magazine open to a bi-fold picture of Rekha and copy the over-the-top makeup to look just as glamorous and beautiful as the film star. They had been nine then, and aunty would always mock-scold her when she found her makeup box raided once again. These days, Nonita was drop dead gorgeous even without the acres of makeup, her style credentials impeccable as the editor of a top fashion monthly. Anu wondered what her friend would make of her own drab appearance.
Anu examined her face in the mirror. There were days she forgot to even look at herself, hastily brushing her hair into a ponytail, running out of the door with Neha in the morning. Now she ran her fingers over her cheeks. Maybe she needed to invest in some new makeup. Her Max Factor foundation was so old, it had separated. She looked at her chocolate brown eyes, the irises a lighter brown, the only feature she had inherited from Mama. But where Mama accentuated her eyes with a heavy application of kohl and mascara, Anu hid them behind wire-rimmed glasses, only occasionally switching to contact lenses.
The thought of Mama made her realise it had been five weeks since she’d last spoken to her. Reluctantly, she picked up the phone to dial her mother.
The phone rang for a while before Mama answered.
“Well! She finally finds the time to ring...”
“Sorry, Mama. It’s been really busy here. How are you?”
“I could be dead for all you care.” The anger always bubbled beneath the surface of their interactions. Why Mama felt abandoned was beyond Anu’s understanding. It was she who had done the abandoning all life long.
“Mama, I do care, you know that. Anyway, please don’t be annoyed. I just called to say that we will be in Delhi late December, if you happen to be in town.”
“So no plans to come to Nainital?”
“Not this time. Neha’s vacation isn’t that long, and we have to be back in time for school. Maybe in the Summer?”
“That’s what you said about last Summer and the Summer before that, too. I just can’t understand what all of you hold against me! Haven’t I done my best by you? Sent you to the best schools, provided you with everything you needed?”
Everything except a mother’s love, Anu wanted to say, but refrained. Her mother carried on.
“None of my children want to visit me in Nainital. Abhishek doesn’t bite, you know. He’s a nice man, if only you’d allow yourself to get to know him. But your Nana-Nani 2poisoned your minds against him, and against me too. Oh, don’t think I don’t know it... I may be miles away, but I’m aware of everything...”
When Anu finally ended the call twenty minutes later, she realised she was shaking. Mama’s toxicity had a way of reaching its tentacles out and wrapping them around her heart even now.
* * *
“You look pensive,” Simone noted as she sat down next to her on the park bench. “Everything all right?”
“Yes. I’m fine, I guess.”
“You don’t look it, but it’s none of my business. If you want to unburden, I’m here. If not, that’s okay too.”
They sat in silence for a bit. Then Anu looked at Simone and said, “I don’t really know much about you. What do you do? Are you married, divorced, single? I don’t mean to pry, but we’ve spoken about so many other things except ourselves.”
“You mean you have heard none of the stories they tell about me?”
“What kinds of stories, and from whom?”
“Well, I’ve been branded all sorts. From a home-wrecker to a pole dancer. What I really do is teach children with learning disabilities. I work half days at a school in London.” She smiled at Anu wryly. “Curiosity satisfied?”
“I’m sorry. Did I come across as nosy? I didn’t mean to be. But I still don’t understand. Home-wrecker? Pole dancer? What do you mean?”
“Brace yourself, it’s not a pretty story. And you may decide not to have anything to do with me afterwards. Still want me to carry on?”
Anu nodded, curious about what might emerge.
“Well, when I moved here three years ago, I was getting away from an abusive partner who had been jailed for attacking me.” She fingered the long, thin scar on her arm. “I was lonely and vulnerable, but glad to have escaped my past. I had hoped to rebuild my life here and give Kayla the sort of future she deserved.”
She looked down at the grass, moving her right foot like a windshield wiper on it.
“As you can see for yourself, there wasn’t much of a welcoming committee here from the other mothers. In the beginning I tried really hard, but soon realised that no matter what I did, my sordid past branded me as unsuitable. Perhaps I had spoken too freely at first or confided in the wrong people, and word got around. People started to ignore me or avoid being seen in my company, and some mothers made no bones about the fact that I was unwelcome in the community. I felt even more isolated here, despite all my other friends in London. Remember, I had wanted to establish roots here, start from scratch, but all I got was stony silence or polite indifference. Then I committed a cardinal sin.”
She looked at Anu in the eye. “I got involved with a school dad. His name was Daniel, and he was a charmer. The only one who took the time to talk to me, listen to my concerns and give me advice. At first it was just friendly, but it soon developed into more. We had a passionate affair for six months, and then, one fine day, he just dropped me like a hot potato. His wife had found out, and that was the end of that.”
“Oh.”
“Yes. That’s my little secret. So on top of everything else, now these women think that I’ll be making eyes at their husbands!”
“Is he... Daniel, still around?”
“No. They pulled the kids out of school and moved back to South Africa. That’s where they were from.”
“I see. And your partner?”
“Still in prison, as far as I’m aware. I hope he rots in there for the rest of his life, frankly. But Anoo, there was a malicious smear campaign against me for the longest time, spearheaded by these school mothers. I almost gave up several times, and if it wasn’t for the fact that Kayla loved being here, I might have left long ago.”
Anu looked down at the grass, silent for a beat.
“Thank you for sharing that with me. I’m not here to judge you. If you still want to stay friends, I’d like to.”
“Then, as a friend, you need to tell me what’s on your mind as well.”
As Anu talked about her mother and her own chequered history, she felt the first glimmer of hope; that this could be the start of the friendship she’d been yearning for all along.
* * *
❖
Dressed as a little witch, with her broom in hand and a mask complete with a hooked nose and a hairy mole, Neha was excited beyond measure. She hopped from foot to foot, eager to get started.
“Give me a minute, darling, I need to lock up.” Anu made sure she switched on the porch light for Ravi as she shut the front door. The air was chilly now, and a faint smell of smoke from a garden fire lingered in the air.
Cautiously optimistic, she had agreed to join the walkabout with Natalie and the other mums. At the very least, she’d have Helen to chat to as they went through the village, trick or treating with their children.
It was the first time both Neha and she were taking part in this Halloween ritual. In their previous house they had turned all the lights off, pretending not to be home. Ravi, in a fit of paranoia, had warned them about the feral gangs of teenagers that wandered the neighbourhood on Halloween. For nearly five years, they hadn’t ventured out on Halloween. This was a first.
She met up with Natalie and the other mums at the corner of the school, having parked in her usual spot. All the children were dressed as ghouls, zombies, mummies and witches in scarily effective outfits and makeup. The only drawback to the realism were the coats that the mums insisted their kids wore as they traipsed around the village. Despite their protestations, most were glad for the warmth that the extra layer offered on a cold evening.
Anu waved at the few faces she recognised as she walked towards them. Natalie beamed.
“I’m so glad you could make it. Neha, you make a pretty witch.”
Neha’s eyes sparkled behind the mask, and Anu could sense her pleasure at the compliment.
“Why don’t you join Rebecca and the other children? Your mum will be safe with us, I promise!”
As the group of mothers and children swelled, she found herself wedged next to Zoe and Jill.
“Hello,” she mouthed, but they looked right through her, so she moved away to get closer to Helen’s group. Here the welcome was a lot less frosty. These were mostly the boys’ mums, and as they smiled and exchanged pleasantries, she wondered why the girls’ mums couldn’t be as relaxed as this.
Their troop set off slowly, working their way through the various streets in the village. There were houses that had gone to town with the decorations. Spider webs hung from the bushes, ghosts floated off trees, carved pumpkins leered from doorsteps, and bells chimed with unearthly wails.
