Goodbye never, p.22
Goodbye Never, page 22
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
LENNON
Arden goes to bed between eight thirty or nine every night, which means that Duke and I go to bed between eight thirty and nine. She usually gets up twice a night, once around midnight and then three or four. If she’s up when Duke gets up for work, he feeds her, changes her, and puts her back to sleep so that I can get a few more hours. I’m not back to working yet, and frankly, I am not sure how that will work. I guess I’ll work when she naps, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Although, I do miss it. I find myself doodling, showing Arden, talking to her about all the different colors in the world.
But for now, I’m excited when I get showered and dressed and can toss a load of laundry in. Duke’s parents have been an amazing help, and Brinley stops by a couple of times a week too.
If the past year has taught me anything, it’s that no matter what my plans are, life has its own. So no amount of worrying will make one damn bit of difference.
After putting Arden down for the night, I walk into the master bathroom to get ready to put myself down for the night. Why did Duke and I both bother putting clothes back on after our bath? That is going to cost me precious minutes of sleep now.
I see Duke standing at the lone sink. When I remodeled, I should’ve gotten double sinks. He turns slightly, his toothbrush hanging loosely from his mouth, but it’s what he’s holding in his hand that has my attention.
Quickly, I snatch them from him. “Where’d you get those?”
He spits and rinses. “They were right here on the counter. When did you go on birth control?”
“Last week or so,” I say.
“You didn’t think to mention it? Because I could have saved thirty bucks,” he says with a little grin, walking over to the nightstand and pulling out a box of condoms that I had no idea were there. “Military has taught me to always be prepared and plan ahead.”
Laughing, I ask, “When did you buy those?”
“Last week,” he says, raising an eyebrow. “Guess we’re both on the same wavelength.”
He plants a soft kiss on my lips. “I left things to Chase before, and look what happened,” I say. “I wanted to be extra careful. Don’t need any more surprises.”
“Fine with me.” He tosses the box of condoms in the trashcan and then tackles me to the bed. “I know we have to wait a few more weeks, but there’s a whole lot of other things we can do for warm-up.”
I feel my skin heat and a few butterflies in my stomach. I want to be with him. I know he dreams about being with me. I just hope his dream isn’t better than reality. I wiggle out from under him, but his hand lands on my waist. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I’m tired.”
His eyes bore through me. My attitude coupled with exhaustion, and sexual frustration make for trouble, and he huffs out of bed, heading for the bathroom.
“Where are you going?”
“Take a shower.”
“We already took a bath.”
“I need to jerk off,” he snaps. “Okay! Do I need to wait two more weeks to do that, too?”
“You do that in the shower?” I ask, trying not to laugh at him.
“Every damn day.”
“How long has this been going on?” I ask, giving him a small smile.
“Almost since day one,” he says, his voice thawing out. “Haven’t you noticed that you’re going through more shampoo since I moved in?”
My lips purse together, and so do his, both of us bursting into laughter at the same time. “Sorry,” I say, taking his hand. He sits down on the bed, pulling me into his lap.
“Is this more post-pregnant body crap?” he asks.
“A little,” I say. “But it’s not just about my body. It’s about Chase.”
“I hate that he was your first,” Duke says softly.
“I know that,” I say. “That’s why I can’t talk to you about this.”
“It should have been us. Your first time.”
“I wanted that,” I confess quietly. His eyes dart to mine. “That day at the lake, you said it should’ve been you and me. I thought the same thing for years.”
“But you went to Hawaii with him.”
We both know that’s where I lost my virginity with Chase. We don’t have to say it. I hate thinking about anything bad related to Chase. You’re not supposed to speak ill of the dead. “It was about a ten-hour nonstop flight from DC to Hawaii. He didn’t say a word to me the whole flight.” I can feel Duke’s muscles tighten under me. “Somewhere around the seven-hour mark, he took my hand. I think that was his way of letting me know it would be okay, but he just couldn’t get into it all on an airplane.”
“Don’t make excuses for him,” he says. “He asked you to come. He should’ve treated you better than that.”
I nod, remembering the guilt I felt on that plane. I thought about Duke more than I should have. Yes, most of it was disguised as anger, but I’d just lost the most important person in my life. At the time, that role should’ve been Chase’s, but it wasn’t. And it ate me up inside. I tried to deny it, to focus only on Chase, but Duke was always in the back of my mind.
“You can imagine. We get there. Exhausted from the flight, from our fight. Everyone kept referring to us as Mr. and Mrs. It was supposed to be our honeymoon. The room had a gorgeous view and only one bed.”
“I’ll never be able to go to Hawaii now,” he says as a joke, but I know there’s truth underneath.
“It was a difficult week,” I say. “Chase was hurt. Jealous.”
“It was one kiss,” he says. “That you stopped.”
“It wasn’t just the kiss,” I say. “He hated how close you and I were. It bothered him. I didn’t realize it until that trip. He saw you as the guy who strung me along. Only wanting me when I was with someone else. No matter how much I tried to explain. He didn’t believe me.”
“So you had sex with him to prove something, to show him he was the one. Because you convinced yourself he was.”
Maybe he’s right. I’m not entirely sure. But this isn’t about that.
“I believed he was. I did love him.”
“What happened?” he asks.
“I waited so long to sleep with someone for the first time, but it wasn’t how I thought.”
His gray eyes fly to mine. “Did he hurt you?”
“No, nothing like that,” I say. “He was very sweet. It was nice.”
“Nice? Sweet?” Duke repeats. “Those aren’t adjectives I’d normally use to describe sex.”
I raise my eyebrow at him. I’ve just given him all the information he needs to understand how sex was with Chase. It was pleasant, but I knew something was missing. I think I knew it the whole time we were dating. His kiss never rendered me speechless like Duke’s did, but I told myself that was okay. That he loved me in other ways, important ways, and that was enough. That’s what my mom always said I should look for.
The fact that I never had an orgasm with him was something we could work on. After all, I was the inexperienced one. Maybe it was me.
Six months is the sum total of my sexual experience, and it wasn’t even adventurous or passionate. Hence, my nerves now. And now I’m also a mother to a newborn to boot.
He stands, forcing me to stand, too. “Don’t you know how sexy I think you are?”
My head shakes.
His steel-gray eyes hold mine. His thumb glides across my mouth. “Sexy.” Subtly, I bite my bottom lip, and the cutest little smirk crosses his lips. “You have to know how sexy you are.”
Again, my head shakes.
He takes a step back, looking me up and down. “Strip.”
My jaw drops. Maybe it’s his military background, but I find myself wanting to follow his order. Besides, I can’t hide from him forever. Unable to stop myself, my hands start to move, unbuttoning my jeans and sliding down my zipper.
He unbuckles his belt and the top button of his pants, now hanging deliciously from his hips. My eyes lower to the band of his black underwear. Slipping my hands under the sides of my jeans, I wiggle them off in the most unsexy manner possible. When I stand back up, I pull my shirt down so it covers everything to my upper thigh. Suddenly, his hands are on me, grabbing the sides of my panties and forcing them down. Before I have time to think, he has me hoisted up, my legs wrapped around him, his hard dick hitting just the right spot.
My head tosses back, and a loud moan falls from my lips, “Oh, God.”
The rest of our clothes fly off in a flurry, and it’s not until he lowers us to the bed that I realize I’m totally naked in front of a man for only the second time in my life.
“We can’t,” I whisper. “Not for a couple more weeks.”
“I know,” he whispers back. “But I want to see you, feel you.”
His hands slowly slide up my body. It’s stupid to be so nervous. I’m naked in front of him. All he has to do is lower his eyes, but he doesn’t. He only looks at my face, waiting for permission. I nod a little, and he leans back on his knees, his eyes slowly roaming my body. I feel my nipples peak and the muscles between my legs tighten. His hand reaches out, sliding down the curve of my waist.
“You’re so fucking beautiful.”
He lowers himself beside me, pulling me to him, my back to his front. “I have to touch you,” he says, his hand slipping between my legs.
“Oh,” I groan as his fingers stroke me.
His other hand slides to my breast, playing with my nipple, overwhelming me. His hands are driving me crazy as he kisses my neck, and I can feel every long inch of him against my ass.
“That pussy’s gonna come for me,” he growls.
His hand starts to move faster over me. I’ve never felt anything like this. It almost hurts but in the best possible way. I feel myself spreading wide for him, wanting him inside me. Just when I think I can’t take it one second longer, I explode, my whole body quaking in his arms. It was just that easy—easy for me to let go with him, easy for him to know what I needed.
He flips me around, wrapping my arms around his neck, and slowly kisses me, his tongue playing with mine, igniting the fire between my thighs again.
“You have more for me, baby?”
“Yes,” I pant.
He doesn’t waste a second before his head is buried between my thighs. “If I can’t fuck you with my cock, then my fingers and mouth will have to do.”
“Oh, my God,” I cry, my legs falling open, welcoming him. “Please make me come,” I beg. “Please, please.”
He chuckles slightly, sending shock waves through my body. Gently, he pulls my thighs to his shoulders, planting a featherlight kiss on each. My muscles clench together, wanting nothing more than to feel that delicious wave from my orgasm roll over me again.
“Impatient,” he says, slowly teasing me with his tongue. I don’t mean to, but a frustrated growl escapes. “Demanding, aren’t you?”
“Duke,” I moan.
“I love it when you moan my name,” he says, kissing me between each word.
“Duke,” I breathe out.
He rewards me by sucking down on me hard. My whole body is tense, wanting him and only him. The only thing I can focus on is what’s happening between my legs. This is so new. I think men stay focused on their penis most of their lives, but not women. We often don’t pay enough attention to what we want, what we need in that department. But right now, I’m solely focused on it, the tension building in my body.
His tongue moves expertly around me, knowing when to lightly lick and knowing when to suck down harder. The ride is incredible. This is what this is supposed to feel like. I always was skeptical of people who are sex addicts, not quite believing that’s a real thing, just an excuse celebrities use when they have affairs. But holy hell, I’m a believer now.
My muscles clench over and over again, and I’m aware that I’m thoroughly fucking his mouth, and I don’t care. Right then, he gives me one long hard suck, and I lose control. My head arches back, my legs tremble, and I scream, “Duke!”
“Shh,” he whispers, planting light kisses against my folds, making sure to take every last bit of my orgasm from me.
I look over at the baby monitor, praying for her to stay asleep. It probably will earn me a one-way ticket to hell to pray not to have our fun interrupted, but I do it anyway.
Duke kisses his way back up my body until he’s lying beside me. He just did all kinds of naughty things to me, but I still feel my face blush.
“I had no idea,” I whisper, “it was like that.”
He smirks at me, his hand wandering back between my legs. “You have a nice little on button down there. Just got to know where to find it.”
I can’t help but giggle. He always puts me at ease. It’s just one of his many gifts. “Where’s your on button?” I flirt.
“I’m more of a stick shift,” he says with a laugh, pulling me on top of him. His eyes roam my face, his fingers playing with my hair. “You are so beautiful, Lennon. I imagined moments like these so many times, and the real thing is better than my wildest imagination.”
“I love you,” I say. The words float from my mouth as if I’ve said them before, been saying them my whole life. Maybe because I have—in my head, in my heart, I’ve said those words to him thousands of times.
“And here I thought there could be nothing better than you calling my name when you come,” he says, flashing me the most wicked grin. “This is so much better.”
We both laugh, but a few tears roll down my cheeks. Rolling to his side, he wipes them away, leaning in to kiss me. Our tongues meet, and a low rumble comes from his throat. The sound is pure desire. I can feel his dick heavy, resting on my inner thigh.
I roll to my back, and he’s on his knees straddling me. His body is one hard piece of muscle, tanned and toned, and all mine. He looks at me naked beneath him, and I take him in both of my hands. His jaw clenches. From the look on his face, it looks like it’s been a really long time since a woman has touched him like this. He told me as much, but I don’t think it registered until now.
Using both hands, I stroke him. “Lennon,” he groans.
I know what he means about the name thing because I love hearing him say mine with such need. Inspired, I angle myself to a more seated position, place one hand on his tight ass, and guide him to my mouth.
“Fuck!” he moans as I slip him between my lips.
Let’s just say that Duke has nothing to be shy about in the penis department. God was very generous to him the day he passed out dicks. But I’m determined to handle him, every long hard inch of him, until he reaches the back of my throat.
He watches me take all of him. And I can almost hear him praying not to finish quickly. We’ve waited so long. It’s a double-edged sword. On the one hand, you’ve waited so long you are desperate for each other. And on the other hand, you’ve waited so long you want it to last forever.
I slip him out of my mouth, stroking him, giving him one long lick up his shaft. “Don’t hold back,” I whisper, peeking up at him. Keeping my eyes locked on his, I slide him back in my mouth, moaning a little.
He grabs my hair, holding it back, and his hips start to thrust. I can tell he’s close.
“Lennon,” he grunts.
I give his balls a gentle tug, and he releases. Guess that’s his off button.
*
Naked in the darkness, I lie in his strong arms. We’ve been this way for hours. But I know it’s about to end. I know Arden will wake up any minute for her first feeding of the night, and the afterglow of our little warm-up session will be over. It was well worth the loss of sleep.
His finger lightly slides down my body, between my cleavage, down my stomach. “So beautiful.”
I’ve never been a woman who thought she was pretty. Not that I think I’m heinous, but just average, I guess. Nothing special, but hearing those words from Duke, they make me believe. Well, at least they make me believe that he believes what he’s saying.
Reaching up, I play with his dog tags, admiring him. “We should get dressed. Arden will be up soon.” He responds by kissing me.
I get out of bed, searching for some clothes to throw on. When I turn back around, Duke’s totally naked down on one knee, holding out a simple silver band with a round diamond in the center. My heart thumps loudly against my chest. What’s happening?
“Oh, my God! What are you doing? Get up!” I say in shock.
He laughs. “No, I’ll stay down here all night if I have to.”
I can’t do much but stare. My voice is gone. This isn’t the first proposal I’ve received, but it is the first one naked, and the first one where the man was on one knee.
“You can’t be too shocked,” he says. “I did warn you it was coming.”
“We’re naked!”
“I told myself as soon as you admitted you loved me, that I’d ask you. And you said it tonight.”
I look down at him. “I do love you.”
“Then marry me,” he says. “You are all my good days. You’ve been there.”
“All the bad ones, too,” I whisper, a few tears starting to fall.
“Those, too,” he says softly. “I want to be there for every good and every bad day for the rest of your life. Marry me.”
CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR
LENNON
The diamond on my finger glistens in the morning sunlight as I walk into the den. It’s been two weeks since he asked me. Everyone is thrilled for us. We haven’t set a date or talked about any plans yet.
I can’t believe I’m engaged. Honestly, when I lost Chase, I thought that was it. I thought I’d have the life my mom had—my daughter and me, and that would have to be enough. To get a second chance at love is not something I ever expected.
I was born on the floor of a jail cell, for goodness’ sake. If those prison guards could see me now. They probably would’ve never bet on me succeeding in life or having a healthy relationship—not after my start. But I do. Even after all the ups and downs that my life has taken, I’m happy.
When I told Brinley about the engagement, she screamed so loud I had to hold the phone away from my ear, and when she saw the ring, she actually did a little happy dance. But her reaction was nothing compared to Duke’s parents. Connie and Charlie cried. Both of them. I hadn’t expected that, so of course, I cried. They were so happy they couldn’t speak. They simply wrapped me in their arms, holding me so tight that I thought they might never let go. I thought they had forgotten about Duke altogether until his dad laughed out, “It’s about damn time,” and pulled him into the embrace.
