Goodbye never, p.25
Goodbye Never, page 25
Am I next?
Everyone thinks love is a blessing, but what if it’s a curse.
What if love has only brought you pain, heartache, destruction?
Would you do it again?
Would you take that chance?
I stare at that coffee pot and know the answer.
CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT
DUKE
Yawning, I rub my eyes, reaching over to pull Lennon closer, but she’s not there. When I glance at the clock, I know there’s only one reason for her to be out of bed—Arden—but I didn’t hear her cry, and it’s much too early for her to be awake.
Throwing on some sweatpants, I walk down the hall to Arden’s room, doing my best to be quiet. If she’s sleeping, I don’t want to wake her. A sleeping baby is a precious gift. And if Lennon is trying to get her back to sleep, I don’t want to disturb them. That would not be good.
The door to the nursery is cracked, and I peer in. No Lennon, and I can hear little Arden breathing softly. Quietly, I continue searching for Lennon. I would’ve thought our little romp in the sheets would have sent her off to peaceful dreams, if not dirty ones. Guess I need to up my game.
I find her sitting at the table in the kitchen, her back to me. I found her like this many mornings when I first moved in, trying to find a way to say goodbye to Chase. As I get closer, I realize she’s preparing for another goodbye—her engagement ring, no longer on her finger, but resting in the middle of the table.
“Why’s it off?” I ask, my heart pounding.
“I can’t marry you,” she says softly, not turning to face me.
My heart pounds faster. She didn’t just say those words. I misheard her. Crossing the room, I stand opposite her.
She doesn’t stand, simply looking down at the ring. “You could’ve died yesterday.”
“I wasn’t anywhere near the accident.”
Her blue eyes look up at me. I don’t like what I see in them, the determination.
“Maybe not yesterday, but what about today or tomorrow?”
“Lennon,” I say, kneeling beside her. “No one is guaranteed a today or tomorrow.”
“No,” she says. “But we don’t have to tempt fate. And every day you go to work, fly that helicopter, you are taunting death.”
“Chase was a freaking math nerd and look . . .”
“I know,” she cries. “Look what happened. He was the most stable, safest guy in the world, and he died.”
“I’m not reckless,” I say.
“I can’t. I can’t be with someone who might die. Who’d risk that. I just can’t do it. I can’t live in that fear.”
I’m on my knees in front of her. If I thought begging would help, I’d do it. “Would you give up the time you had with Chase to have him alive but never be with him?”
She looks me right in the eye. “Yes.”
“You wouldn’t have Arden.”
“That’s not fair,” she says.
I motion to her ring. “Neither is this.”
“Please take it back,” she says.
“No, you had one man take a ring back from you. I won’t ever do that. In my heart, you are already my wife.”
“Duke,” she says, starting to sob.
“You love me?” I ask.
“You know I do.”
“Then why are you doing this?”
“Maybe if you go away, then I can stop . . .”
“You can’t,” I say. “I tried to stop loving you. Not being with you didn’t make me love you any less. Hell, I was across the world from you, and my love never lessened. Not one bit.”
She whispers my name, her voice pleading with me. “I can’t.”
“What about Arden? Think of her.”
“I am thinking of her. She’s already lost one father. I can’t have her lose another. That’s why it’s best we do this now before she falls any more in love with you.”
Anger burns in my chest. I can’t believe she’s actually doing this. After everything we’ve been through and how long it took us to finally be together, she’s just going to throw it all away.
“So that’s what you want to teach her?” I bark. “Don’t love anyone because everyone dies anyway!”
“I’m not . . .”
“That’s even more fucked up than the stuff your mom put in your head.”
“Don’t you dare talk about my mother!” she snaps, getting to her feet, and I do the same.
“Why not? It was her good advice that landed you with Chase in the first place.”
“Get out!”
“Not a chance.”
We stand there in her kitchen toe-to-toe. I’m much taller than Lennon, but she doesn’t back down, glaring into my eyes. She’s angry. That’s good. At least she’s feeling something and not hiding behind her fear.
“I’m not leaving,” I say through gritted teeth. “You’ll have to change the locks while I’m at work and throw my stuff on the lawn. And even then, I just might pitch a tent in your front yard!”
She doesn’t even crack a smile. My charms aren’t working this time. “I don’t know how to make this any more clear to you. I can’t do this. It’s over. Goodbye.”
“Never,” I say. “I don’t accept that.”
“You don’t accept that?” she asks. “You are impossible!” A loud cry floats through the house. She throws her hands up. “Now you’ve woken up the baby.”
“I’ll get her,” I say.
“No. She’s my daughter. I’ll get her.”
Her words cut right through to my heart. That’s hands down the most hurtful thing she could say to me, and she knows it. I reach out and take her elbow. Her eyes ripple with tears. “That’s how you want things to be?”
She doesn’t answer, and I release her and watch her walk away.
CHAPTER FORTY-NINE
LENNON
I just did the worst thing of my life. I hurt him on purpose. God knows I’ve done wrong things before, but nothing like that. Nothing so mean, so cold, so callous, so cunning. Nothing to intentionally inflict pain on someone—someone I love.
But he was being so stubborn. I knew he wouldn’t let me go. I knew the only way to make him was to strike hard and with malice.
Picking up my crying daughter, I hear him storm through the house. I’m not sure if he’s packing his bags or just throwing a fit. The front door slams. He left. He’s gone.
I stand there, holding her, both of us crying. It’s not that I expected him to understand. I doubt most people would, but yesterday hearing the news that a helicopter was down, my life stopped. It felt like Chase all over again. Actually, it felt worse, even more unbelievable.
He’s fine. But I’m not. A hole opened up inside me. I thought it was closed. But I was wrong. It feels even bigger than before. It’s consuming me.
I’m scared. I absolutely hate feeling like a coward, but I’m scared.
Scared to love him. Scared to lose him.
My mom lived her life without a man. She was happy. I can do the same. I have Arden. I look down at her in my arms, her eyes lidded and heavy.
A dark thought enters my head, or maybe it’s just my heart trying to shake some sense into me, but I think about how much I love Arden. That doesn’t scare me. Of course, every parent fears something might happen to their child, but that just makes you hold them closer, not push them away.
Should I be holding Duke closer?
No, I did the right thing. His job is simply too dangerous. I should have considered that long before. His chances of being killed are higher than say the average person. It’s different. Heck, he’s about to start flying around the leader of the free world. There are more than a few people worldwide who’d like to take a shot at them. And Duke would be right in the line of fire, or be drawing the fire as a decoy. He’s literally paid to take a bullet for someone else.
I have to protect my heart. Arden’s heart. I don’t want that phone call. I don’t want to stand at another grave or have to hear gunshots saluting him at his funeral. I don’t ever want someone to hand me the folded flag once draped over his casket.
It hurt to do what I did. It will always hurt, but with time maybe . . .
My heart whispers to me again: You know you’ll always love him. God forbid he does perish in the line of duty. It will hurt worse to lose him if I never really take this chance with him.
No! I shake my head. I made my decision. It hurt like hell doing it. I have to be strong, even if I am a coward at love.
*
Gently, I lay Arden back down in her crib. I don’t know how long I held her for, way past when she fell back asleep. Lightly, I run my fingers over the blanket Mrs. Connie had made out of Chase’s old shirts. I can’t help but wonder what he thinks of all this.
Does he think I’m making a mistake? Is he happy Duke won’t be around to raise Arden? Or would he rather Arden have a father figure, even if it’s a guy he hated?
Sighing deeply, I grab the baby monitor and head toward my bedroom. I don’t usually nap when she naps anymore, but I’m exhausted. I doubt I’ll be able to sleep now, but I don’t have the energy to do anything.
I see Duke’s clothes still hanging in the closet. Obviously, he just wanted to get the hell out of here. Away from me, a crazy, sad person. It’s not that I expected him to move everything out today or anything, but in situations like this, it’s best to rip the bandage off quick, not prolong the pain.
Wiping my cheeks, I head to bed, wanting to hide under the covers for the rest of the day. I have a newborn, so that’s not going to happen, but a girl can dream.
Right now, all I want is my pillow.
My eyes land on it, and my heart stops. It can’t be. It’s not possible.
Lying there are a stack of letters, wrapped in an old faded red hair ribbon, weathered by the sun.
He kept it. All these years.
At first, I don’t pick them up. They feel like an old antique that will fall apart if disturbed. A small folded-up piece of paper is on top. I recognize the paper. It’s from a pad in my kitchen. Gently, I reach for it, unfolding it.
I promised you I’d give you back this ribbon someday.
Lightly, I touch the ribbon, thinking of my mom, how she always made them. Remembering the day Duke removed it from my hair, how much I wanted him to kiss me. It was our first big goodbye.
Every goodbye letter I’ve ever written has been to you. Is this our last goodbye?
Tears rush down my cheeks, and I reach for the stack of letters. Years in the military, and I’m the person—the person he wanted to give his last goodbye to. Slipping one out of the ribbon, I see the date was from shortly after he arrived in Japan. I feel my heart open as I start to read his words.
*
Dear Lennon,
I’ve been talking to you since we could talk. Sent countless letters and emails over the years. So what do I put in this—the goodbye letter.
What haven’t I said to you? What words are left unsaid?
So much.
If there’s one person in this world who doesn’t know how I feel about them, it’s you.
I could’ve died today. The who, what, where, and why of that statement aren’t important. What’s important isn’t even that I didn’t die (although I’m happy as fuck I didn’t). What’s important is that I could’ve died, and you would’ve never known how I felt about you.
In the middle of a storm of bullets around me, I saw your face. I suddenly wasn’t worried about my own life. I only thought of you, getting back to you, telling you . . .
I love you, Lennon.
I hope I get to look into your eyes and say those words to you one day, but if I don’t. If next time I’m in a dogfight, I lose, I need you to know that while I might’ve died young, I had a full life because it was full of love for you.
Even if you didn’t know.
You are the only person getting a letter like this. My parents know I love them. If they need a reminder, please tell them. But it’s you that needed to know you were loved. I have never said that to any woman (besides Mom), and I won’t ever say those words to any other woman but you.
If this letter ever finds its way into your hands, I hope those words can also find a way into your heart.
This might be a goodbye letter, but love knows no goodbyes.
Goodbye never—love forever,
Duke
CHAPTER FIFTY
LENNON
Tears streaming down my face, I don’t need to read letter two or three to know I’ve just made the biggest mistake of my life. What is wrong with me? What in the hell have I done?
I love him.
There are loves, and then there are LOVES. Shouty cap loves. The ones that stand the test of time. Defy the odds. That’s what Duke and I have.
You don’t throw away that kind of love just because you’re scared. He had to be scared out of his mind that day, but it didn’t make him push love away. It made him want love even more.
I’m so stupid. I’ve been so dumb. I let fear and sadness get the better of me. That’s not who I am. I’m jail baby. I smile at that thought. I was born tough. I walked around most of the early part of my life with people whispering behind my back. It bothered me, but it didn’t consume me. I’ve let this fear and pain consume me.
Grabbing my phone, I rush toward the den. Shit, I can’t go after him. Arden is here and asleep. Screw it, if there was ever a time to wake a sleeping baby, it’s now. Doing a one-eighty, I start toward her room, only then realizing I don’t even have pants on, still dressed in a T-shirt and panties.
Okay—pants first, then get Arden, then go get my man!
Wait! My ring! Running to the kitchen, I find it still resting on the kitchen table. Gently, I pick it up, my eyes landing on the coffee pot. Right then, the pot turns on, the automatic timer starting the morning brew, the smell of coffee beginning to fill the air. I think Chase just gave me his blessing.
Smiling, I rush toward my bedroom. Dear God, please let him forgive me!
I’m like a madwoman searching for socks and shoes. Still pulling on my pants, I fly into the hallway, coming to an abrupt halt when I hear the doorknob.
“Duke!” I cry out, running toward him. He catches me in his arms. “I thought you left.”
He pulls back, gives me a little grin, his dimple popping out, and says, “No. I just went to buy a tent.”
I laugh, tears streaming down my face. His lips land on mine, and just like that, I’m wrapped in his strong arms. The thing about Duke and me is that no matter distance, time, anger, or grief—beside him is where I’ve always felt I belonged. I tilt my head up to look at him.
“You got my letters?” he asks softly.
Nodding, I say, “I’m so sorry. For trying to push you away. For hurting you.”
“Shh!” he whispers. “You’re not getting rid of me that easy. I promised you I’d always fight. I promised you I’d never leave Arden. And I won’t.”
“Goodbye never,” I whisper.
EPILOGUE
ONE YEAR LATER
LENNON
“Dudu Dudu,” Arden squeals, toddling over to the television and smacking the screen with her hand. She’s wearing a bright pink tutu that covers her diaper. It was a gift from Mrs. Connie. I’m not sure who is having more fun picking out clothes for Arden—me or Connie. It’s dangerous how fun it is to shop for a baby girl.
“Yep,” I say, squatting down next to her and pointing at the helicopter poised on the South Lawn of the White House. Poor Arden thinks that every helicopter we see is Duke. But in this case, she’s right. I recorded his last landing, so I could replay it for Arden when she misses him. He’s not actually flying the president today. God, that’s so weird to think about. My husband flies the leader of the free world.
We got married this past January. I wore a simple white dress. He wore his dress blues. As planned, the ceremony was small, at the lake with just a few friends and family. A fresh snow covered the ground. I held Arden as Duke slipped the wedding band on my finger, and he gave her a locket that holds a picture of Chase. She’s too young to wear it, but it meant the world to me.
“Dudu Dudu,” she says again, smiling.
I can’t help but giggle. Duke and I had many conversations about what Arden should call him. Dad, Daddy, Papa, Duke? In all ways but biology, Duke is her father. Chase is, too. But you can’t explain that to a baby, and I didn’t want to deny Duke or Arden the title of father and daughter. So I suggested she just call him Daddy. He would never admit it, but he teared up when I told him that’s what I wanted.
Still, for all our planning, Arden calls him Dudu. She somehow combined Duke and Dada into what essentially sounds like she’s calling him a slang term for poop. We both cried the first time she did that from laughter, which was probably the wrong reaction to have because it stuck, and she’s called him that ever since.
I’m sure she’s not going to go off to college calling him baby talk for shit, so we’ve just gone with it for now. It’s one for the baby book.
Arden and I both hear his key hit the lock. Duke walks through the door with a huge smile on his face. She takes off, her little droopy diaper not slowing her down at all. I get up, feigning like I’m racing her, and she laughs in delight. We do this every night when Duke comes home. I always let her win.
He picks her up, lifting her high in the air, and she giggles as he kisses her belly. “Dudu missed you,” he says. Then he holds open his free arm, pulling me to him, kissing me, and giving my booty a hard squeeze. “Missed you, too.”
Gone are the days of Arden being asleep when he gets home. Now she’s awake until her bedtime, around seven thirty. It gives us all a few hours of family time before she’s hopefully out for the night. Sometimes, Duke takes over, and I use the time to work. But Charlie and Connie have been helping me out during the day a few times a week. That gives me time to work, too. They used to watch her here, but as she’s gotten mobile and louder, they take her to the lake, the park, their house. It’s been a blessing to have them so close. Not sure how we will get on if Duke ever gets transferred from Quantico. They joke they will just move with us. I don’t doubt them.
