“Where the hell did you get that from?” I ask, feeling the volume of my voice rise and fall.

  “Never you mind,” Lily says, maintaining her grin. “You in or out?”

  I sigh. “What if we get caught?”

  “Who gives a shit? What more can they do to us, huh?”

  I try to turn away from her, but she follows my gaze. “Don’t overthink this.”

  “I can’t help it.”

  “They’ve gotten to you, haven’t they, Kay? Don’t let them. Every time we follow their rules, a piece of our true selves dies along with it.”

  I hold her stare with flat features. Lily hates anyone who controls her life. I’m used to being told what to do and when to do it. Whether it’s to please my mother or to keep my boyfriend happy, it doesn’t matter. I’m a pushover. I always have been. No wonder Lily is drawn to me.

  “Okay,” I mutter.

  “I knew you wouldn’t disappoint. Give me a few minutes to sneak back to my room for the next nurse check. Then I’ll meet you back here.”

  Lily rushes to the door.

  “This is crazy,” I say.

  Lily laughs. “Then I guess we’re in the right place to do it.” She opens and closes my door, taking my last chance to protest with her.

  I stumble back to my bed and sit down. Maybe Lily will get caught before she returns to my room. Am I a horrible friend to think such a thing?

  I swear Lily reminds me of Faith more and more each day. All I can hope is that I don’t do to Lily what I did to my sister. Whatever that is.

  12

  Before

  Faith never seemed to have a problem setting up and starting the hot tub. It was possibly the only procedure she had memorized about the cabin. If I asked her to switch on the electricity when we first arrived, she’d still be scratching her head trying to find the breaker.

  Even though she had turned on the hot tub’s heater the second we got to the cabin, the water was nowhere near temperature. Still, that didn’t stop her from jumping in.

  I realized it was not much different from taking a dip in the lake. It was probably warmer, but there was a lot of space to spread out on Big Bear Lake. Whereas the aging hot tub Mom and Dad had tacked on to the cabin back when they could afford it was a more intimate experience.

  By the time I came out to the hot tub, Scott and Faith were already in its lukewarm water chatting away. Scott had a beer in his hand, and Faith had brought out the bottle of vodka along with some cranberry juice. We didn’t have any ice cubes frozen yet considering the refrigerator was still trying to cool itself down. But, that wouldn’t stop Faith from getting wasted.

  When I took off my outer layers and got down to my bathing suit, Faith offered me a drink.

  “You want one? They’re amazing.”

  “Not yet. Maybe later,” I said as I climbed in. The water felt cooler than I hoped.

  “Have a drink, babe,” Scott said. “We’re on vacation.”

  “Exactly,” Faith added. “Loosen up a little.”

  “No, that’s okay,” I said. Again, I was the younger sister, but I had to keep a level head for us all.

  “Should you be drinking?” I asked Faith, already knowing the answer.

  Faith’s eyes shot up to mine in an instant. “It’s fine. The doctors always say that you shouldn’t drink with any medication, but who cares, right? I mean, how am I supposed to enjoy myself?”

  “What are you taking?” Scott asked, clearly not thinking before he spoke.

  “Scott,” I snapped at him. “It’s rude to ask.” I’d told him before that Faith was taking some medication to help with her anxiety. She’d been on the prescription for about six months, yet there didn’t seem to be a noticeable change in her behavior or mood. Her main issue was trying to hold down a job. She couldn’t hack the social pressures that came with the workplace dynamic.

  “It’s okay. I’m taking some anti-depressants for my anxiety,” Faith said.

  “Oh, right,” Scott said. “Does it help?”

  “A little. But I don’t let them rule my life. Especially when I want to have some fun, you know?”

  “Yeah, cool,” Scott replied. But he didn’t understand what she meant. He hadn’t seen her at her worst when she’d quit a job for next to no reason. It was no wonder Faith still lived at home with Mom. I could never picture her out in the world on her own, surviving with money she’d earned.

  Faith took a decent gulp of the oversize cocktail she’d made with one of the cabin’s glass cups. It meant I’d have to track how much she drank over the next few days and make sure she didn’t do something stupid like drown in the lake or start a fire. The situation was the complete opposite of a vacation.

  Scott finished his beer and reached for a second bottle that sat by the hot tub. He could handle his booze most days and seemed to be able to cut himself off when the time came. Still, I gave him a slight nudge to remind him not to go too overboard. Just because we were away on a long weekend didn’t mean he had to get knockout drunk.

  Feeling like the designated driver the entire time we were up here, I couldn’t relax. Even once I acclimatized to the water, I found myself on edge watching Scott and Faith interact. I knew there was little to worry about, but I couldn’t silence the voice in the back of my head that wanted to scream with jealousy.

  “It’s so peaceful here,” Scott said as the three of us stared out at the lake. “I could get used to living like this.”

  The occasional boat came by with families and locals on board enjoying the weather. The engine of a jet ski buzzed in the distance as its driver threw the machine around and tested its limits. Scott had pre-booked a few for tomorrow afternoon for a few hours. It would be a small relief that his attention and focus would be elsewhere and not on my sister.

  Faith cleared her throat. “Are you guys falling asleep? This is supposed to be a fun long weekend. Not some relaxation at a day spa.”

  “We’re awake,” I said to Faith, answering her question.

  “I don’t think so. You both look like you’re ready to go to bed.”

  “It was a long drive.”

  “Come on. It wasn’t that bad. How about I blast out some music to wake you up.” Faith leaned over the hot tub and pushed her butt out more than was necessary to give Scott a full view of her lower half. I grabbed hold of his elbow and pulled him closer to me as a reminder of whose butt he should be checking out. He gave me an awkward smile.

  “There we go,” Faith said as she got the cheap yet loud speaker system going that she decided to bring out to the hot tub. The small Bluetooth player ran on batteries and was paired to Faith’s cell.

  She put on some R&B with a heavy bass line and started dancing in the water, mostly bobbing her head to the beat. Faith mouthed the words as they came, knowing the song better than anyone else.

  “Come on, guys. Get into it,” Faith said as she spun around in the water while holding her drink up high.

  Scott loosened up straightaway and joined in. I followed suit to keep Faith happy. I knew if I didn’t, she would take offense and act up. It was another hold she had over me I could do little to contain.

  As we continued our three-person party by the lake in a mildly warm hot tub, I started to think about Faith and her boyfriend breaking up. She sounded far too happy about everything. Had they even split? I couldn’t help the thought. I had no way of confirming other than Faith’s word. She took herself off social media on the way up to the lake, and I didn’t have Daniel’s phone number.

  We all sat back down in the water when the song petered out. I interlaced my fingers with Scott’s under the water and shuffled up beside him. I didn’t care if it made Faith feel uncomfortable. If she didn’t want the discomfort, then she shouldn’t have come along on our weekend away.

  Faith made herself another makeshift cocktail and took a swig. “Oh yeah,” she blurted as the alcohol ran down her throat.

  “So do you think you and Daniel still have a chance?” I asked without thinking.

  Faith’s eyes shifted to mine and gave me a stern look for a second. “Maybe. But deep down, I think we’re done. He was too much work, you know. I want someone who doesn’t take any effort to be with. But I’m not looking. I think for now I only want to have fun.”

  I nodded, pretending I understood. Faith’s idea of fun rarely aligned with mine. She loved getting drunk and sleeping in until midday. I got more of a kick out of being organized and feeling like I had control over my existence. Things didn’t always go as planned, though. For example, a forced long weekend away spent babysitting my older sister.

  “Well, it’s his loss,” Scott said.

  “Damn straight,” Faith replied. “I’m a catch, aren’t I?”

  “Sure,” he said with a chuckle.

  “You’re not joking, are you?” she asked. “Do you think guys out there would want to date me?”

  “Yeah, for sure. They’d be crazy not to.” Scott turned his neck to me. “Right, Kay?”

  “Yep,” I said, my voice flat.

  “Jeez, don’t sound too convincing,” Faith said.

  “I didn’t mean it like that.”

  Faith scoffed. “So you think I’m a good person, then?”

  I stuttered as I tried to answer Faith. “I—”

  “You hate me, don’t you? Admit it.”

  “What? I would never say something like that.”

  “But you are thinking it, aren’t you? Jesus, Kay. I thought we were past all that crap?” Faith gestured to Scott as if he was deaf.

  “We are. I mean, there’s nothing to worry about. If I were still mad at you, then why did I tell Mom it was okay for you to—”

  My hand flew up to my mouth. The wrong words came out.

  Faith shot up on her feet, splashing the water. “What do you mean you told Mom it was okay for me to come along? She said this was your idea, that you wanted me here.”

  “I do. I did. I just said the wrong thing.”

  “Bullshit,” Faith yelled, throwing her glass over her shoulder without looking. It smashed on the hard ground. “You didn’t want to spend time with me. You were just doing Mom a favor, right? Getting her terrible daughter out of the house.”

  “No, Faith. That’s not it.”

  “Don’t lie to me,” she yelled through gritted teeth. She closed her eyes and turned away. “God, I’m such an idiot.”

  I reached out to touch my sister on the shoulder, but she shrugged me away and climbed out of the hot tub.

  “Faith, please,” I called as she stalked away, her shoulders tensed. I tried to climb out after her, but Scott grabbed me around the waist.

  “Let her go, babe. She needs to blow off some steam.”

  “But she’s not heading for the cabin. She’s walking toward town in nothing but a bikini. It will be dark soon.”

  Scott shook his head. “It’s stupid. I know. But let her cool off for a short while. We can go pick her up later. It’s not like she’ll try to hitch a ride back to LA.”

  I didn’t know what to say. Faith was capable of anything, so I said the only thing I could. “I hope you’re right.”

  13

  After

  Lily creeps back into my room ten minutes after leaving. I stayed in bed while I waited in case the nurse checked in on me. Lily’s assigned room is only two doors down from mine.

  “You ready?” she asks me when I roll over to face her.

  “I guess so. Are you sure we have to do this?”

  “Come on. Don’t wimp out on me now.”

  “I’m not sure what the point is. I mean, won’t they check our rooms again in less than fifteen minutes? By the time we sneak out to the gardens, we’ll have to rush back.”

  Lily waves for me to get up out of the bed. I do as instructed on autopilot.

  “You’re missing the point,” she says. “It’s not about the few minutes of freedom. This is a reminder for us both that we control our lives. Not these assholes.”

  I can’t say no to her—not that she’s really giving me a choice. Lily speaks about the control I’ve lost because of the hospital, yet all the while she is attempting to govern my every action.

  She waves me to move. “Let’s go. We’ve wasted too much time as it is. The nurse watching our corridor has gone for a smoke. He won’t be back for twenty minutes.”

  “How do you know that?” I ask.

  Lily creeps up to the small window on my door and takes a peek out. “They watch me, so I watch them.”

  “Right,” I whisper to myself.

  The door to my room opens with a click. I follow Lily out. A rush of adrenaline hits me in the chest, heightening my senses. We shouldn’t be doing this. Both Lily and I already got into trouble today when we each reacted to our own triggers. If we get caught together like this so soon after, I can’t imagine the staff will look too fondly at our decision to defy the rules. I also want answers from Elsie and Stone about my sister. This won’t help my case if Lily’s plan backfires.

  This dumb idea could destroy my chances of learning the truth about Faith, and there’s little I can do about it. Lily has a control over me I can’t avoid. She must have noticed a weakness in me the second I arrived. I wonder what telltale sign I gave off that told Lily I was an easy target to push around?

  I’m not a doormat with everyone. When it comes to my therapy, Elsie is one of the few people I feel comfortable enough to be honest around. At least as honest as I want to be. I suppose that’s a good thing. If I can’t be truthful with my psychotherapist, then what hope do I have?

  The corridors are dimly lit at night to make it easier for the patients to sleep. The staff can also see enough of the hospital’s grimy details to safely move around. With our spot checker gone for a cigarette, we continue down to the end of the hallway and access the central hub of the ward.

  As one, we creep along, only wearing socks to mute our footfalls.

  “There’s the nurses’ station,” Lily says as if we’ve never seen the desk in the flesh before. I suppose I haven’t observed it at night while sneaking around. The reception-styled counter acts like a guard tower whether it’s day or night in the hospital.

  Lilly and I squat down low at the end of the corridor to avoid getting caught. “How do we get past the two nurses on duty?” I ask. One is a bored-looking middle-aged woman, and the other is a younger man. Both seem to have their heads pointed down at their phones. I guess there’s not much else to do out here at night.

  Despite the slight distraction, I don’t understand how Lily thinks we’ll sneak by the two nurses and open a large door that sits within their line of sight. We’ll flash into their peripheral visions the second we cross in front of them.

  “Leave that to me,” she says with a determined stare.

  I watch Lily as she pulls a cell phone from her pocket. Again, it’s an item she shouldn’t have access to, but she holds the device in her hand as if having it is nothing.

  “Where did you find that?” I ask. The phone can’t be a personal one based on the home screen having such a default layout and background.

  Lily doesn’t respond. Instead, she chuckles lightly under her breath and opens the phone app. She brings up a dial pad and enters a number that’s foreign to me.

  “Who are you calling?” I ask.

  “Just ordering a pizza,” she says. Lily holds the cell out in front of her and hovers her thumb over the screen.

  The phone at the nurses’ station rings. A groan comes from the middle-aged woman, along with a muttered curse. She swivels around in her chair to the ringing phone, placing her back to us.

  Lily keeps her cell out and holds a thumb over the mute button in the call app. The second the nurse answers the call, Lily silences the microphone on our end, leaving the nurse unable to hear herself talking down the line.

  “Nurses’ station,” the woman says while her coworker keeps his head buried.

  Before I can work out what Lily has in mind, she rushes out across the open floor and moves directly up to the counter. She comes to a silent stop and presses her back into the base of the nurses’ station. A hanging overlap above hides her.

  Lily glances back the way she came and throws out a wave, signaling for me to come to her before it’s too late. I glance at the woman as she grows impatient on the phone.

  “Hello? Is anybody there?”

  Convinced there’s a bag of rocks in my stomach, I push aside logic and move out to where Lily is hiding as quickly and quietly as possible. I reach Lily and squash up beside her just as the nurse slams the phone down and cusses.

  Lily has a grin on her face that might as well be laughter. She’s clearly enjoying this more than I am.

  We inch ourselves along the base of the counter, taking the time needed not to make a sound.

  “Goddamn phone is screwing up again. Third time this week,” the woman says.

  “Report it to Mike,” the man says. “Otherwise, it’ll keep happening.”

  “I don’t want to bug him. Anyway, it’s probably some teenagers making a prank call.”

  “How do you figure? This is an internal phone. They’d have to know the unlisted extension to ring us like this. And also, why would a bunch of kids want to call here?”

  “I don’t know. Why does anybody do anything?”

  The man groans.

  Lily and I use the opportunity to shuffle farther along the station to the end. We are now directly below the man and can’t move. If we head for the door to the gardens, he’ll spot us.

  Lily dials the nurses’ station again.

  “Jesus,” the woman yells out. “I’m not answering it.”

  The man sighs. His chair rolls back. Hopefully, he’s moving to answer the phone. “Nurses’ station,” he says when he answers the call. Lily hits mute again.

  We make our move as if Lily knew all along the two nurses would argue over who was calling them in the middle of the night. Maybe she’s been watching these two.

  We duck behind a small sofa in the common room and use it to break the line of sight the nurses’ station commands over the door to the outside.

 

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