The red brick road, p.6
The Red Brick Road, page 6
“Why’s that?” Honus took a step toward the homestead. “Scarecrows aren’t anything to be afraid of.”
“Crows are scared of them,” Rooster said. “And they’re pretty bright birds, crows. Maybe they know something we don’t.”
“Just get me down from this pole and we can talk this over,” the Scarecrow said. He tried to reach over his shoulder. “I’m not sure about a lot of things, but if you just turn this bent nail...”
“No way, hay-man.” The little man said. He looked up as Honus. “There’s a whole crop of them talking scarecrows out and about, causing mischief and mayhem. Bad incantation or something.”
“Those are falsehoods,” the Scarecrow said to Honus. He let his arms drop to his sides. “Started by folks that don’t know any better.”
“It’s best to leave him right there. He was put there for a reason.”
The Scarecrow swiveled his head to the little man. “Loan me that pipe wrench for a moment.”
“There’s even less of a chance of that, cow-food.” The little man tightened his grip on the pipe wrench. “Let’s get going. I’m telling you, he was stuck there for a reason.”
The scarecrow stared at the little man for a long moment. Finally, he tilted his head back and shouted: “THEY’RE OVER HERE! AAAAOOOOOO!”
“I say we listen to the little guy.” Rooster said.
“Stop that!” Honus said. “Maybe we should just let him down.”
“AAAAOOOOO!” Howled the Scarecrow.
“Let’s get moving,” the little man said. He pointed down the Red Brick Road. “That way.”
“But we’re lost,” Honus said. “There’s all these forks and we don’t know which to take.”
“AAAAOOOOO! COME GET THEM! AND GIVE ME THEIR BRAAAINS!”
“What?” Honus said. “Our what?”
“Listen to the little guy!” Rooster said again. “I like my brains right where they are!”
“The path splits up and wanders but it all ends up coming together as long as you don’t double back.” The little man started down the fork on the right side. “No matter what, we need out of here before them things get t’us because we can’t bed down in the forest.”
Honus looked back at the Scarecrow. “Sorry, Mister Scarecrow; I think you need to just stay there.”
“I’m going to knock the stuffings out of you and make them into a tie! AAAOOOOOO!” Now the Scarecrow pointed at them. “Over here! KALIDAHS, HO!”
Several howls rang through the forest from various directions.
“Catch up to that little guy!” Rooster hopped up and down on Honus’ head. “Go already!”
Honus turned and started to run after the little man who was now a good thirty yards ahead. As he ran he reached up and cradled Rooster in the crook of his arm with his head by his elbow. “Keep an eye out behind us!”
Rooster stuck out his head and looked back. “So far so... Huh.”
“What?” Honus started to look back.
“Do NOT look back. Trust me on that. Just keep running as fast as you can and if you pass that little guy, just keep going. Maybe he’ll slow them down.”
“What do they look like?” Honus said as he ran. “How many of them are there?”
“One that I can see. No wait, three. Well that’s much better.”
“How is three better than one?”
“I thought it was one really big one with three heads. Seems it’s just three smaller ones.”
“When you say smaller...”
“Small like a Grizzly Bear. Or maybe a Black Bear.”
“I was hoping small like a raccoon.”
“Not even close.”
“What do they look like?”
“Teeth. Lots of teeth. Claws on the ends of all four legs.” Rooster tilted his head to the side. “Gads.”
“What?” Honus started to look.
“Don’t do it!” Rooster said. “You’ll be scared stiff and we’d be goners for sure. Just run.” He kept looking back. “If I were a chicken, I’d crap an egg about now.”
“How about a hint?”
“Bears, and Tigers, and Badgers.” Rooster said.
“Oh my.” Honus said.
“Or something else with long claws.”
He took several deep breaths and picked up his pace. He finally caught up with the little man and slowed to match his pace. “How far do we have to run? Those things are chasing us.”
“They’ll chase us until we either stop running or we are out of the forest.”
“Are they gaining on us, Rooster?”
“No, they’re keeping their distance. Just keep running.”
“Told ya,” the little man said. “As long as we keep moving, we’re safe. As soon as you stand still, they’ll pounce on you.”
“Then what?” Honus said.
The little man looked up at Honus. “It’ll be lunch time.”
“Well, I don’t mind that you mentioned that,” Rooster said, “because I could use another couple of crickets. Oh, wait. You mean for them, don’t you.” He craned his neck out to look back. “Just keep moving, Honus.”
The little man slowed down.
“Don’t slow down, Honus,” Rooster said again. “No hard feelings, little guy, but there’s no way I want to deal with those things. Maybe if they eat you, we’ll make it out.”
Honus slowed to keep with the man. “We’ll stick together.”
“Bad idea. Really bad idea,” Roster said. “What we need... Huh”
After Rooster didn’t finish his sentence, Honus shook him. “What do we need?”
“They slowed down when we did. Not as much as we did, so they’re getting closer, but they definitely slowed down.”
“As long as your feet are moving, you’re safe from them.” The little man slowed to a walk. “Just keep looking forward and keep moving.”
Honus slowed to match the little man’s pace again. “Are you sure?”
The little man nodded. “They’ll chase you until you stop.” He looked over at Honus. “Hey, you chicken; stop lookin’ at them!”
“I’m a Rooster, for your information.” Rooster said. He was still looking back.
“Stop looking at them no matter what you are.” The little man said. “That annoys them. Just look ahead.” He pointed with his pipe wrench.
Honus turned Rooster in his arm so his head was at his chest. “Do what he says, Rooster.”
“Smart boy.” The little man lifted the pipe wrench and put it across his shoulders, hands draped down on both ends. “We’ve only got about ten minutes then we’ll be clear of the forest and then we can stop.”
“Thank you, Sir.”
“Marren,” said the little man. “Stop calling me ‘sir’.”
“Okay, Marren,” Honus said. He patted Rooster’s head. “This is Rooster.”
“Do not pat my head.”
“Figured as much.” Marren said. He slowed even more to a casual walk.
Honus slowed to match him.
“What are you doing?” Rooster said. He pecked at Honus. “Just keep your pace. That Marren’s got a death wish or something.”
Marren shook his head. “It’s common knowledge.” He turned and glanced at Honus and Rooster. “For locals anyway, that Kalidahs only attack when you try to turn and fight them or just stand your ground. Just walk away nice and peaceful like and they’ll let you be.”
Honus did a little jump. “Hey!” He reached up and swatted at his neck.
“What?” Rooster started to look behind Honus then stopped. “What is it?”
“It’s breathing down my neck!”
“Typical. Just ignore it. They’re trying to trick you into looking back.” He shrugged. “Or stopping. I don’t recommend either.”
“I have to say the hot breath is really not very nice,” Honus said. He ducked his head. “Is ducking okay?”
“Should be fine. There’s only one way to be sure with Kalidahs.”
“Ya dropped something.” One of the Kalidahs said. “Looks important. Some sort of legal document, methinks.”
“Don’t fall for it,” Marren warned. “That’s a classic ruse.”
“What’s the only way to be sure with Kalidahs?” Rooster asked.
“You try it and if you get eaten, then it wasn’t a good idea.” Marren said.
Honus stood up straight and tried not to cringe as the largest creature loomed over him.
“Somethin’ jus’ fell from yer pocket,” the largest of the Kalidahs said. “T’was shiny.”
“How much farther?” Honus asked.
“Got a light?” Another Kalidahs tried. “I really need me a smoke.”
Marren took his pipe wrench off his shoulder and pointed with it. “We only need to go up that rise and around the bend then we’ll be out of their territory. We’ll be in Quadling Country then and they can’t follow us there.”
“Why not?” Rooster asked.
“Quadling Country isn’t zoned for Kalidahs, of course.”
“Can’t get a variance,” one of the smaller Kalidahs admitted. “Unless you’ll sign this petition. Want to sign the petition?”
“We’ve submitted for it sever’l times. Not much good without a petition,” said another. “Oooh, ya dropped yer pen. It’s right behind ya.”
“And smores?” Honus asked.
Marren jerked a thumb over his shoulder. “That’s that area back there where we took the left fork instead of the right one. Dangerous beasts, s’Mores. Foul critters they are. The area is named for them there are so many of them there. We definitely want to avoid that place.”
“But we went right.” Rooster said.
“Did we?” Marren started to look back then caught himself. “Huh.”
“What are we running into?”
“s’Mores Country, of course.” Marren said. “Which is really kind of a problem.”
Honus’ hair tussled as the Kalidah sniffed his head deeply. “How can that be worse than this?” He said as he ducked.
“Well, as it was explained to me, S’mores only attack people who are moving. You need to stand perfectly still until they get bored or look the other way, then you move real quick until they look at you again. It’s like that kid’s game Red Light - Green Light. Except it’s your life on the line.”
“And the level of absurdity just hit new peaks,” Rooster said. “We’ve got monstrous Kalidahs behind us that we can keep at bay by moving and...” He cocked his head to the side. “Are S’mores monstrous or more your size, Marren?”
“They tend to eat Kalidahs.” Marren said.
“Of course they do. Thanks for the clarification,” Rooster said. “So monstrous behind us that will eat us if we stop, and bigger monstrous in front of us that only eat us if we move. So, what do we do?”
“Hope for a commercial break to solve the issue off screen?” Marren suggested.
“A what?” Honus asked.
“My agent and I are really going to have a long talk about the gigs he gets me,” Rooster said. He cocked his head to the side. “Then we just need the left path then, right? As long as we don’t encounter any s’Mores you know we could just...”
A loud scream pealed through the air.
The Kalidahs all stopped.
“Nice; and you didn’t even have to ask what a s’More sounded like,” Marren said. “See? These self-published gigs aren’t all bad. What were you getting at, Rooster?”
“If those things behind us won’t attack as long as we’re moving, let’s just walk in a nice big arc and head back the other way and take that left path you so cleverly missed.”
“There’s an insult in there, I think.” Marren said.
“You’re an idiot who’s most likely going to get us killed.” Rooster said flatly.
“There is it.”
“Okay, so a nice gradual turn then.” Honus pointed to his right. “We’ll do a nice wide turn going from right to left. Everyone ready?”
“I’m along for the ride,” Rooster said.
“I’ll follow you,” Marren said. “Lead the way.”
With a nod, Honus veered slowly to the right edge of the path. He walked casually in a broad left arc in front of two massive S’mores and then to the left edge of the path. When he got there, he meandered back to the middle of the path, heading in the opposite direction. “Did anyone else notice the two large, lionish-buffaloish looking statues there in the path?”
“All I saw was a couple of s’Mores,” Marren said.
“Oh hell.” Rooster said.
The three Kalidahs started to drool as the trio walked directly toward them.
“When did they stop following us?” Rooster said.
“About the time those s’Mores showed up, I imagine,” Marren said. “Kalidahs are ravenous but they aren’t stupid.” Marren stopped walking. “Stop walking, kid.”
Honus came to a stop barely ten feet from the group of Kalidahs.
“You look tasty,” a Kalidahs remarked. He ran his tongue across sharp teeth.
“I’m not,” Honus said. “Honest I’m not.”
“Me neither.” Rooster said.
“Aren’t you a white meat?” The larger of the three Kalidahs asked. “You’re right up there with pork, I think.”
“You got me confused with someone else.” Rooster craned his neck around. The two s’Mores were looking back and forth. “Can’t they see us?”
“They might not be able to,” Honus said. “Maybe that’s why standing still keeps them from eating you.”
“Pretty sure you’re one of them edible meats,” a Kalidahs said as he eyed Rooster.
“Ooh,” Rooster whispered to Honus. “Get ready. Get ready.”
“Just stand still so they can’t see us,” Honus said.
“But we can see you,” the third Kalidahs said. He ran a tongue along one side of his mouth, over his nose and down the other side. “Now you want to push our buttons by standin’ there in front of us? Darin’ us to eat youse? Rude is what that is.”
“I’m fairly certain you’re that white meat folks talk about,” the first Kalidahs said.
“Get ready.”
The largest Kalidahs smirked. “Keep standin’ still so we eat ya. But if you move, then you have to deal with the...”
“Go now! GO!” Rooster said as he flapped his wings.
Honus bolted in between two of the Kalidahs. When he got to the other side, he spun around.
The pair of Kalidahs were still facing the s’Mores. And Marren.
“What was that?” Marren said. “You’re just going to leave me?”
“No hard feelings, little plumber.” Rooster said. “Let’s go Honus, back the way we came then down the path to the right. We’re on our way.”
“Why you!” Marren brought his pipe wrench down and gripped it tightly by the handle. “I’m going to bash your head in!”
“We’re not going to leave you Mister Marren,” Honus said.
The three Kalidahs took a quick step forward as the S’mores both looked into the forest.
“We’re gonna eat you first, like the little Munchkin snack that you is.” The largest Kalidahs said.
“You, then your little friends too,” said a second.
Rooster hopped out of Honus’ arms and flapped his wings as he hit the ground. “Hey you s’Mores! Come and get some nice tasty white meat!” He strutted back and forth.
“Tol’ ya he was white meat,” the smaller Kalidahs told the largest one. “Says he’s tasty as well.”
“Rude that is; lyin’ to folks that plan on eatin’ ya.”
The pair of s’Mores lowered their massive lion heads and stalked forward. Toward the Kalidah’s.
“Now jus’ a minute there, Mister Chicken,” the largest Kalidahs said. “How ‘bout we work something out.”
Rooster stopped moving. “Like what?”
The s’Mores returned to scanning the area looking for movement.
“Well, how ‘bout we all call it even b’tween us?”
“You mean you don’t eat us and I don’t lure the s’Mores over to eat you?”
“I’m still hoping for a scene break then a jump,” Marren admitted.
“Well, I was thinkin’ more that we only eat one or two of youse.” Admitted the larger Kalidahs.
Rooster flapped his wings. “Chic Chiri Chí!” He crowed.
The two s’Mores turned to look at him.
“Where you from?” A Kalidahs asked.
“Italy,” Rooster replied.
“That explains it,” it replied as it smirked. “Eye-talian chickens are the tastiest.”
“Well, I’ll have you know...Wait, what’d you say?” Rooster asked as he flapped his wings and eyed the large Kalidahs.
“Fine, fine. All three of youse gets t’ go.” Said the largest Kalidahs. “Now stop flappin’ already!”
Rooster stood still.
“That’s more like it.”
“But how’re we going to get Marren back?” Honus asked. “And get the Kalidahs away too.”
“Now we got to get them away too?” Rooster said.
“Well, fair’s fair, I think.” Honus said. He looked at the s’Mores. “What a mess.”
“Do we need them to look another way so everyone can get away?” Rooster asked.
“Yeah, dat would be nice,” a Kalidahs said. “Opposite of rude even.”
“Okay then.” Rooster scooted to Honus. “Just throw me as far toward those s’More things as you can.”
“What?” Honus shook his head. “How’s that going to help?”
“Yeah, toss the white meat,” said a Kalidahs.
Rooster ignored it. “If you toss me that way, I can fly over their heads and land behind them. Then I’ll fly up into the trees to stay out of their reach, then I’ll fly back over here.”
“But chickens can’t fly,” Honus said.
“Ahhh...Toss him anyway.”
Honus looked at the Kalidahs. “Keep out of this.” He looked at Rooster. “Chickens can’t fly.”
“Well that’s not actually true,” Rooster said. “Fat chickens can’t fly really far because they are fat. Skinny chickens can fly short distances to get to a roost or to get to food.” He struck a dramatic pose. “As a sleek, well plumed Rooster, I’m able to manage some nice long flights.”
“What’s a long flight?”
