She was ridiculous, honestly. She was acting like a teenager, thinking like a teenager, and she suddenly realized that even talking about it with Ryan wouldn’t help her. She needed a female point of view, actually, an experienced female point of view. Karen was the best when it came to guys. She and Kevin had been seriously dating for over a year now, so Valerie knew she’d be the right person to speak to, and for the first time she felt strangely guilty for choosing someone else over Ryan as her confidant.

  “Val? You there?”

  She shook her thoughts away and took out a mug from the cupboard, filling it to the brim with warm black coffee.

  “Listen, I have to get ready for work now. Can we talk about it some other time?”

  “Alright, you have a good excuse this time. I’ll come to the hospital after you finish your shift, and we can have a coffee at my place, so you can tell me everything about last night.”

  He giggled and she sighed, knowing fighting would be useless. There was no way she could escape his interrogation this time.

  “Okay, you win. I’ll see you later.”

  She hung up and felt strangely excited about going to work, knowing that she would probably see Jake there.

  After their first date, they started going out whenever their shifts allowed them to, and she enjoyed spending time with him. It was different from spending time with Ryan, but she liked it anyway. She had never thought she would enjoy another man’s company, but spending time with Jake felt good, and Ryan didn’t seem to be jealous of her spending time with another man.

  Jake was sweet and passionate, and she always felt flattered by his attentions, especially when he did it in front of other women. She never thought it would feel this good, but it was probably because she had never had a man’s attentions before, so it was all new for her.

  But she should have known better, and she should have listened to that little voice inside her mind that kept telling her it was too good to be true and that it just wasn’t meant to be.

  Thirty-five

  It only took her a little over four months of dating Jake to get her heart broken.

  He had been acting weird in the past couple of weeks, and she couldn’t help thinking that it was because of the night when he had wanted to make love to her and she had said no.

  She knew it sounded childish, and she knew she was too old to believe in Prince Charming and all the silly fairy tale romances she had read so much about when she was a child. Still, she had always thought that, since her first kiss had been so special, her first time should be special, something she would remember forever. It should happen with a man she would want to remember forever, maybe the man she would spend her whole life with.

  She knew it was old-fashioned, and nowadays it only happened in movies and novels, but it was just the way she wanted it to be. Ryan used to tell her that it wasn’t something to be ashamed of. She had principles she believed in and, in a world where most people didn’t even know what principles were and didn’t believe in anything other than enjoying their lives without having to worry about the consequences, he thought she was special. If Jake loved her, he would respect her feelings and wait until she was sure she wanted to share this experience with him.

  Obviously Jake had said he understood and wouldn’t force her to do something she wasn’t ready for, and Valerie had felt so relieved and even more in love with him that she hadn’t noticed the look in his eyes as he was saying it.

  She should have known better.

  It happened on a Wednesday afternoon after her shift was over. She had been planning to surprise him with a romantic dinner, and then they would spend some time cuddling each other, snuggled up on the sofa. Karen would be on a night shift so they would have the apartment to themselves, and who knew what might happen later.

  She had started to feel that maybe Jake would be the right man for her: He had always been romantic and charming, and he had showed her in so many ways that he loved her. Why should she wait? What was she waiting for? Who was she waiting for? Jake loved her, and she loved him back – at least that was what she thought, since she had never really known what loving someone meant. But the feeling was strong, and she liked being with him, so that must be what love was.

  She had made up her mind during her shift, and she couldn’t wait to go home and prepare everything for their special evening.

  She left the hospital and walked quickly toward the subway, looking for her cell phone in her bag. She wanted to call Ryan to ask him for advice on how to make it a special night without being too mushy and romantic, something men usually didn’t like, at least from what she’d heard from her colleagues.

  When she couldn’t find it immediately, she stopped walking and started rummaging frantically inside her bag, wondering why it wasn’t there. Then something suddenly clicked, and she remembered taking it out of her white coat and placing it on the shelf in her locker while she was changing, so she guessed she had probably left it there.

  She snorted and shrugged, knowing she’d have to go back to the hospital and pick it up. She couldn’t possibly leave without her phone. Besides, she was on call, so she had to have it in case somebody needed her, and she would have to run to the hospital, although she hoped it wouldn’t be the case.

  Paula, the nurse at the reception, looked at her quizzically when she stepped through the sliding doors. She shrugged.

  “I forgot my phone in the locker. I guess I’m getting old!”

  Paula smiled and went back to what she was doing, while Valerie walked quickly down the corridor and into the locker room. Her phone was there, just like she remembered, and she was glad she didn’t have to look around the hospital trying to find where she had left it.

  She started looking for Ryan’s number in the address book while closing the locker door, but since she wasn’t paying much attention, her index finger got stuck in the door.

  “Damn!” she yelled, instinctively bringing her finger to her mouth to ease the pain, and she slumped down on the bench behind her.

  Her finger started to pound, and she knew it would take a while before it would stop, so she decided to look for a cream or something that would make the pain subside more quickly. She knew they kept some basic drugs and medications in the room next door, where the staff toilets and showers were.

  She opened the door with her finger still stuck in her mouth, her cell phone in her hand, and her bag slung over her shoulder. Before she switched the light on, she froze. She could hear moans and giggles coming from the other door where the toilets were, and she wondered whether she should get out and simply ask a nurse for some ice and just go home.

  After being in the ER for so long, she had learned that it wasn’t that weird for a couple of colleagues to be found having sex somewhere in the staff room when they thought nobody was around. Paula had told her some weird stories about people she would have never thought could be having an affair. But Paula loved to gossip, and Valerie wasn’t sure all of it was always true: She was sure Paula loved to spice things up a bit, just to make them more interesting.

  Although she had heard of it, it was embarrassing to be there and actually witness it, so she quickly spun and was just about to close the door behind her when she heard something that made her freeze where she stood.

  A woman’s voice calling out a name, a name she knew too well, a name that wasn’t as popular as other names in the hospital. As far as she knew, there was no other doctor, nurse or paramedic whose name was…

  “Jake! Jake, stop it now!”

  More giggles and a man’s voice whispering something she couldn’t hear.

  Her legs went weak and she had to hold onto the door jamb because her head had started to spin so hard, she had suddenly stopped feeling the pain in her finger.

  Everything around her became fuzzy, and she knew she should sit somewhere, anywhere, even on the floor, before she collapsed, but she couldn’t move.

  Then, suddenly, her legs started to move as if on autopilot, and she found herself opening the stall door, making both people wince. A part of her was hoping she was wrong – a part of her had desperately wanted to believe that there was another Jake in the hospital, maybe some new guy from the upstairs wards, someone she didn’t know.

  But when she opened the door and saw it was her Jake half-naked in there, with a girl sitting on his lap, wearing only her bra and a pair of unbuttoned pants, she thought she was going to be sick.

  The girl turned back and Valerie recognized Deirdre, a nurse who had always drooled over Jake but who, like everyone else in the ER, knew too well that he was dating Valerie.

  She didn’t know whether it was Deirdre or Jake she loathed more right now. It seemed like they were both having fun and neither was being forced to do something against their will.

  “Valerie… I…um….” Jake stuttered, unable to say the usual thing everyone always said when they got caught, the stupid I can explain thing.

  She really didn’t want to hear his explanations right now. She only wanted to cry, to hit his head with her purse so hard that he would never forget it. She wanted to go to her chief’s office and have Deirdre fired straight away, to have Jake moved to another hospital, somewhere far away like Seattle or San Diego.

  She thought it was something she would actually do as soon as she stepped out of that room: It would be her revenge, and she would make him regret the moment he had thought he could cheat on her and pretend nothing had ever happened.

  Deirdre stood up and quickly picked up her blouse, knowing it would probably be best if she left. Jake had told her Valerie’s shift was over and she had gone home: How could Deirdre have known Valerie would come back and find them there? Why had she come there anyway?

  “I…I think I’d better leave the two of you alone….”

  She didn’t meet Valerie’s eyes, and she simply tried to sneak out past her, hoping she would vent all her rage upon Jake only.

  “I’ll check your shift, Deirdre. If you were supposed to be working now, I’ll speak to the manager. You won’t get away with such unprofessional behavior,” Valerie said dryly, as soon as Deirdre walked past her.

  She didn’t reply and simply walked away as quickly as she could, not wanting to witness what was about to happen between the two of them.

  “Valerie.”

  Jake stood up and buttoned his pants, but didn’t bother to put on his t-shirt, and this surely didn’t help Valerie think straight. Seeing his muscular chest made her think of all the times he had held her tight, whispering sweet words in her ears, and how safe she felt when his muscular arms were wrapped around her.

  She had been planning their first night together, down to the smallest detail, only a few minutes before, and now all she wanted to do was smash his head with her bag and yell at him so loudly that anyone within a five-mile radius would hear her.

  But she couldn’t say a word – she couldn’t find anything clever enough to say to him. She only wanted to close her eyes, turn back the hands of time, and pretend they had never met, he had never asked her out, and she had never trusted him.

  He put a hand on her forearm, wanting to pull her close to him, but she shook it away.

  “Don’t touch me!” she managed to say, and he pulled back.

  He had never seen her so mad, and she had every right to be, of course, but if only she would let him explain, she would probably forgive him.

  “I hadn’t planned for this to happen, but it did. I’m sorry.”

  She couldn’t look at him, so she kept staring at her feet, wondering whether he really was sorry or if he was still pretending, hoping for forgiveness. Had he always been lying to her? Had this happened before? She needed to know, yet she wasn’t sure she wanted to. Maybe it would be best if she just slapped him and walked away, without knowing the whole truth.

  “How long has this been going on, Jake? How many times has this happened before? And don’t bother lying to me now because it’s really useless.”

  “This is the first time, I swear, Valerie. It never happened before.”

  She wasn’t sure she could trust him, but it didn’t matter now, not anymore. Much as she was attracted to him, much as she had thought he could be her Prince Charming, it was over now; she would never in a million years forgive him for cheating on her.

  “C’mon, Valerie, what was I supposed to do? I’m a man; you can’t expect me to keep enjoying romantic strolls hand in hand and candlelit dinners forever! Today with Deirdre, it was only sex after all, there’s nothing else involved. You said you didn’t want to have sex with me, and I knew Deirdre had a thing for me, so I thought there’d be nothing wrong in having a bit of fun with her!”

  She felt as if he had just punched her in her face. She suddenly felt a sickening knot rise in her stomach, and she thought she was either going to vomit or to faint. But she didn’t. Her body, on autopilot again, took control of the situation, and she saw herself slapping his face so hard she felt her hand ache afterwards.

  He winced, clearly not expecting such a reaction from her, and wasn’t able to say or do anything. He just stood there looking as tears welled up in her eyes and started rolling down her cheeks.

  He felt awful when he saw the pain showing so clearly on her face, and he wished he hadn’t been so stupid. He had never wanted to hurt her. He only wanted to have some fun, knowing she would never know and could therefore never get hurt. Then, when she would finally be ready for him, everything would be fine, and he wouldn’t have to go look for someone else to have fun with.

  “Get out of my life!” she yelled. “I never want to see you or hear from you again! You’re done working in this hospital, Jake. Just leave me alone, and get out of this hospital and of my life; either you leave willingly, or I’ll have you fired, simple as that.”

  She hated having to use the fact that she outranked both Jake and Deirdre to get her revenge on them but, after all, she was only doing what was best for the hospital. She was pretty sure they were both supposed to be working, but they were having fun in the staff toilets instead, and this was extremely unprofessional. Had it been somebody else, she would probably have done the same and reported them to the manager. In this case, she was even more determined to make them both pay for what they had done to the hospital and to herself.

  “That’s a pretty nasty thing to say,” he said, taking a step closer. “We were good together, after all. She means nothing to me, honestly: You’re the one I love, not her. She was just… a fling.”

  “A…fling?” she asked, glaring at him. “Is this how you treat women, Jake? Like flings? And what was I, then? Another name on your list of flings?”

  “No, Valerie, don’t get me wrong. She was, but you weren’t. I really liked you, and I still do. Can’t we simply get over it and pretend nothing happened?”

  He took another step closer and reached out to touch her, but she recoiled and took a step back.

  “Don’t!” Jake flinched at the tone of her voice, and she brought her bag to her chest, hugging it as a sort of shield.

  “Stay away from me, Jake. Don’t bother trying to make up some excuses or sweeten the pill. I won’t buy anything you’ll be saying from now on, and I’m too busy to waste time with a person like you.”

  “Aww, c’mon now, Valerie. No need to take it personally! I told you it won’t happen again!”

  She stepped back and looked at him, disgusted and shocked to see that the person standing in front of her was a totally different person from the one she had been dating and she had thought she knew.

  “I’m done with you. Stay away from me. I don’t ever want to have anything to do with you. You make me sick. Honestly, I’ve never been more disgusted in my life.”

  His shoulders drooped and he sighed, but Valerie couldn’t tell if this was another pantomime he was setting up, hoping to make her feel bad about him, or it was real. Either way, she didn’t care; she was done with him, done with men, done with whatever could steer her attention from her career. She had studied hard to get to where she was and nobody, let alone a playboy like Jake, would be able to spoil it all.

  “So that’s it, then? It’s over?”

  “I’m not even sure there ever was something between us: It all seems like a big bunch of lies to me now.”

  “But it wasn’t, Valerie. I really liked you.”

  “Stop it!” she said firmly, having had enough of that useless conversation. “I don’t care whether you liked me, you loved me, or you simply wanted to have some fun with me. I don’t feel anything at all for you right now, so just make it easy on both of us and leave. It won’t be hard for you to find another job in another hospital.”

  She spun and stormed out of the room, leaving Jake standing alone in the staff toilets, his t-shirt in his hand and his head bent down in resignation.

  Thirty-six

  I should have seen it coming. I should have known it would end up like this, she thought, while she was quickly running down the corridors toward the closest exit. She needed to breathe fresh air; the smell of disinfectant she had become so used to was now making her sick. She felt a sense of claustrophobia taking hold of her, making her long to get out before she ran out of breath.

  Somebody greeted her, but she didn’t stop, she didn’t even recognize who it was, she just pressed on, yearning for one thing only: To get lost in Ryan’s arms.

  I should have seen it coming. I should have known it would end up like this, she kept repeating in her mind, scolding herself, cursing herself for being so naïve.

  He was handsome and funny, he was always surrounded by adoring women, and she had always been pleased that it was her he was dating, while they all gave her envious glances whenever they were together.

  But she realized now that she had been a fool. He was way too handsome and way too easygoing, and that obviously attracted women like bees around a honey pot.

  He didn’t seem like the kind of guy who would cheat or do anything behind her back, especially after chasing her for such a long time, but she should have guessed that, being a man and a very attractive one, he wouldn’t have difficulties in getting what he wanted from other women when he couldn’t get it from her.

 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23