“Monmouth is back home in New Jersey,” Aidan answered, sensing where the conversation was going. The happiness had drained from his eyes, smile faltering. “My uncle Luke says I can stay with him, so I don’t have to live in the dorms. It cuts the expense down. I got some small grants, but I’ll have to pay for some stuff out of pocket. He owns a pawnshop too; says he can give me a part-time gig there if I want. It’s a good situation for me, Bryson.”

  Bryson swallowed thickly and nodded his head, shoving a fry around on his tray. “Sure, I get it. Gotta do what you gotta do.”

  Aidan frowned outright then, reaching over to rest a hand on top of his and prevent the fry from continuing its journey. “If you pick a school up north, then we can see each other more. You were talking about MIT, right? There’s a train from Jersey to Boston, you know. It won’t be so hard.”

  “I’m not getting into MIT,” Bryson whispered then, his hand shaking a little. “I’m not getting in anywhere, at least not this year. I didn’t apply to any schools; I decided to take a gap year. I’m not sure yet what that means entirely, just that I won’t be going to school for at least twelve months. I decided I wanted more time to think about it, to plan things. I felt rushed, and I hated that, and I don’t know yet what I want to do. I just know that being trapped somewhere for a year isn’t the way for me to figure that out.”

  “Oh, Bryson,” Colleen said under her breath, staring at him in total disbelief. She hadn’t imagined him doing something like this. None of them had, and it was a bit of a shock to the system. “You just abandoned the idea because you didn’t want to think about it? Why on earth would you do that?”

  Bryson looked up finally, meeting Colleen’s eyes first and then Aidan’s. He shrugged and dropped the fry onto the plate, wiping his greasy fingers off on a paper napkin. “Because nothing about it feels right for me, not at the moment. You guys know what you want to do, where you want to go. You want to go to NYU where you can live a fast-paced, exciting life that you couldn’t find for yourself here. Aidan wants to go home to New Jersey because he misses it. You guys had more solid feelings, had ideas, and I didn’t have any of that. All I had was my father being pushy and the total fear that I would screw things up if I pushed myself to fast. I have to do what’s best for me right now, and this is it.”

  Aidan looked stunned, his letter from Monmouth lying forgotten on the table. He was staring openly at Bryson, his expression a pained one as he tried to sort it all out in his head. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Maybe I would have planned something else, would have tried to find a school here in Atlanta. I was accounting for a future that included you being somewhere else, and so I put myself as close as I thought I could get and into a situation that I thought I could manage. Jesus, Bryson. This was a huge thing, and you kept it from everybody.”

  “You think I don’t know that? I just didn’t know what I was supposed to say. I knew it would disappoint people or get everyone upset, and I didn’t want that. I just wanted to think about it, just give myself breathing room. I didn’t mean to keep it from you like it was some enormous secret, okay?” Bryson rubbed at his eyes, feeling suddenly tired. “I’m just not moving at the same pace as everyone else, and maybe I’m not even sure if college is ever going to be the right choice. What I really want to do is go out into the world for a while and help people. Just for a year, to see how it feels. So, this coming fall I’ll start applying places, and if I get in then, I’ll start summer classes next year. I just have to do this.”

  Colleen finally managed a nod, leaning against Adam like she couldn’t hold herself up for another second. “Well, you can come visit me in New York during your big year off. I at least want to get to see you some.”

  “Yeah, I don’t want you to become some ghost on me,” Aidan told him softly, still not entirely okay with it but unable to say much else. It was ultimately Bryson’s choice, whether he liked that or not. “I’ll leave for Jersey at the end of the summer, the first of August. Joseph has decided that me choosing to go away for school means I’m ready to get out of his house. That’s the deadline he gave me, and my uncle gave me the okay to come on up even though classes don’t start until closer to September. You just have to promise you’ll come up and see me, and that we aren’t just going to give up if things get hard.”

  Bryson felt sad even discussing this, but he nodded his head just the same. “I can do that, I promise. I’ll come and see both of you. I’m not giving up on either of you just because I’m not going to be up there too. There are phones and planes and all this other stuff that makes the distance shorter. I promise I won’t ever go somewhere that you can’t reach me, and I promise that I will still be Bryson. Just…. Bryson with a brand-new mission for a little while.”

  It was a brand-new mission, and a relatively scary one at that. He had done his fair share of feeling alone, but he had never truly been on his own before. Whatever he decided to do this fall, it would mean venturing out of his comfort zone, away from home and away from his life. He had just started to cultivate something real and solid here again, and now it would all slip away like sand into the sea. The prospect was terrifying, but he also knew it would be necessary if he ever wanted to grow as a human being. He didn’t want to let go of Colleen to achieve it, and he certainly did not want to let go of Aidan, but he’d been holding others' hands long enough. This was about discovering himself, one little piece at a time.

  Chapter Seventeen

  A few days after his big revelation about college, Bryson approached Aidan with a proposal. It was something he had thought up the night before while lying in bed unable to sleep. It had seemed like a great idea when he was drifting in and out, and though it seemed scarier now in the stark light of day. He still wanted Adien’s reaction.

  They met at Bryson’s locker like they usually did in the mornings. Aidan was gobbling down a sausage and egg biscuit as he leaned and waited. Bryson approached with a smile on his face, leaning down to kiss his forehead before he spun the combination on his lock. He had wanted to put it all out there in an eloquent fashion, but that just wasn’t destined to happen this morning. They had a limited time before the bell rang, and he rushed right into it.

  “How would you feel about going to Montana for spring break?” He asked, trading his trig book for history. “I know it’s unconventional, but I really want to go back and visit, and I’d like for you to go with me. There’s no hotel or anything in Rust, but there’s a motel a few miles down the highway. It doesn’t sound exciting I’m sure, but I thought of it last night and I’d love to go. There’s also someone in Missoula that I’d like to visit with too, and I found a place that will rent us a car even though we’re just eighteen. It’s a locally-owned place, and the guy doesn’t care as long as you have a valid license and proof of insurance. He charges too much, but it’s worth it to avoid any hassle.”

  Aidan stood with his mouth partially open, biscuit still in his hand. He was looking at Bryson like he’d grown another head, not sure what to say to such an offer. “Isn’t it still like super cold there in March? Like, isn’t there still snow and everything? I thought we’d go somewhere warm for spring break, like Florida. Colleen is going; she’d probably let us tag along. Sunshine. Tans. No adults. I mean, it’s a prime opportunity.”

  Bryson exhaled and then made a face, wrinkling his nose up as he slammed his locker door shut. “No, you’re missing the point. I don’t want to go to Montana to have a good time; I want to go because I need the closure. I think that’s part of why I can’t settle on anything for the future because my brain is still stuck somewhere else. I haven’t been back there since Alec’s funeral service, and I just would really like to see it. The odds of me ever going back are slim to none, there’s not much left for me there, but this is something I have to do to start the healing process properly. If you don’t want to go, I do understand, and I’ll let you off the hook. I just wanted to put the offer on the table because I’m going one way or the other.”

  “You really think this will help you?” Aidan asked him, dusting crumbs off the front of his blazer as he stuffed the rest of the biscuit into his mouth. “I’ll go. It’s not the Floridian sunshine of my dreams, but we all make sacrifices in life. You owe me though; you owe me so big.”

  “I thought you’d see it my way,” Bryson beamed, stealing one more kiss before heading for class just ahead of the warning bell. “We’ll work out the details with our parents tonight or something!”

  Aidan’s stepfather immediately said no on the grounds that he was not going to pay for his stepson to jaunt off on vacation somewhere alone. It was Bryson’s mother who saved the day, offering to pay for everything that Aidan would need including his flight. She explained that they had once lived in Montana and that Bryson wanted to revisit their old hometown. Joseph was still inclined to say no just to be a dick, but Aidan’s mother took his side and so they booked two plane tickets into Montana. They would leave on Sunday and return on Wednesday, giving them time to make the drive and have actual time in Rust.

  Bryson was thankful that his mother didn’t probe deeper, didn’t ask too many questions about his sudden need to go back. He knew that she understood where he was coming from and that she respected it enough to give him space. She cried when she dropped them off at the airport that Sunday morning, though, and he didn’t have to ask what the tears were for. She hadn’t been far from Bryson since they had moved back to Atlanta, keeping him close out of paranoia and fear. She was finally letting him go though, understanding that he was not his brother. He was his own person, making his own decisions, and had to believe that he would make the right ones.

  The plane ride was long, with a connection in Denver that ended up running late because of maintenance. By the time they arrived in Montana, they were both too tired to do much of anything besides eat and go to bed, ready to start again in the morning. It was better to be well-rested and miss a few hours of time than to rush it and do something stupid.

  After breakfast at the hotel that morning, they checked out and set off on foot. They had only brought carry-on bags, which was good because they had a bit of a walk. When they finally reached the University of Montana campus, Bryson felt his stomach clench up, nerves hitting him full force. Checking his phone for the fifth time, he made sure he knew where they were going before heading for the Maureen and Mike Mansfield Library. It was thankfully fairly easy to find following the map, and he could see it just ahead as they continued walking.

  As they got nearer, he saw the person they were here to meet sitting on a bench near the entrance. It was a face he hadn’t seen in person for over two years now, and his breath hitched a little as he paused in his tracks to just stare for a moment.

  Ramona Sanders looked both the same and remarkably different at the same time. Her dusty gold hair was longer now, hanging down nearly to her waist, though the once wild curls were now tame and had a sleeker look to them. She wore a puffy white coat with a pair of skinny jeans, the ends tucked into a pair of short black boots. She had no makeup on, all her freckles in full display as she scribbled in a notebook that was open on her lap. A leather bookbag rested between her feet, toppled over with its contents spilling out. She didn’t seem the least bit worried about it, pausing in her scribbles to look up.

  They saw each other and their eyes locked for a moment, and then Ramona was standing up. Bryson let go of Aidan and quickly crossed the distance, throwing his arms around her. They hugged wordlessly, just holding on tight for a good minute or two before letting go. They were both breathless, Bryson’s cheeks pink with happiness and the cold. Ramona grinned brightly, her curls whipping around her head as a breeze blew through.

  “It is so good to see you,” Ramona told him, and she meant it. She was smiling at him but there was a faint hint of sadness in her eyes as she took him in, probably noting all the little things that his mom did. How he looked more like his brother than he ever had before, how those two years had changed him. She didn’t say any of that though; she just looked past him to where Aidan stood with his hands awkwardly in his pockets. “So, this is the boyfriend, huh? Handsome!”

  Aidan smiled and blushed at the same time, stepping over finally and offering a hand. “It’s nice to meet you. Bryson told me about you, and he’s been so excited to get to see you. He seriously would not shut up.”

  Ramona laughed then, and Bryson was happy to hear that her laugh hadn’t changed at all. “Well, we were good friends back in our Rust days,” she explained, glancing at her watch. “Would you guys want to get some lunch or are you eager to get going now? I filled the truck up with gas for you.”

  “Mona,” Bryson sighed, shaking his head. “I told you not to do that. We have money for gas, food, and a night at the motel. Maybe two if we decided to stay a little longer. It’s enough that you’re even letting us drive your truck, you didn’t have to give us gas on top of it.”

  When his mother had heard his insane plan to rent from the shady guy who didn’t have an age requirement, she had quickly nixed the idea. The trip had nearly been canceled then, but one phone call to Ramona, and the problem had been solved. The truck was an old 1987 beater that she’d bought with money she’d saved up from her diner job, but it had four wheels and would get them there, probably in one piece. He had felt a little bad in asking her for such an enormous thing, but she had seemed happy for the chance to see him and to know he was finally ready to come home. Even if this would likely, in fact almost definitely, be his last time there.

  “Well, it’s a few hours from here to Rust, so while lunch sounds great, we should probably make tracks,” he finally answered, regretful that they had to rush but ready to get it done.

  Ramona understood, not pushing the subject and instead, walked them to the student parking lot where her truck was parked. It was black and gray with chipping paint and a big camper top on the back. The bench seat was red velvet that was torn in a few places, but the heat worked and so did the radio and that was all a person really needed.

  “All the paperwork is in the glove box if you need it, so you should be ready. Call me or something when you get there, so I at least know you made it all right,” she told them, stowing their bags in the back and latching the camper top's door shut again. “Be safe, guys. We’ll catch up more when you make it back.”

  Bryson gave her one last hug and took the keys from her, easing into the driver’s seat. He had never driven something quite this big, used to his medium-sized car, but he figured he’d get the hang of it. They both waved at her as he clumsily pulled out of the parking spot and eased onto the road. He didn’t have to bring up the directions on his phone for this. He knew the way. How in the world could he ever forget?

  They were silent for most of the ride, just listening to the radio as they cruised down the highway. Aidan mostly stared out the window, taking in the new landscapes that he had never seen before. They didn’t call it Big Sky Country for nothing. Both the land and the cloudless sky seemed endless. They stopped once for gas and for something to eat, chowing down on hot dogs at a roadside stand before moving on.

  As they got nearer and nearer to Rust, Bryson began to feel weighed down. Was this really the right thing to be doing? Did he actually want to go back there? It wasn’t too late to turn around, but he didn’t. Instead, he pulled over about twenty miles out at the roadside motel, which looked like it might have been the site of a murder or two. He paid for the night and got a room key, letting Aidan wait in the truck. After securing them a place to stay, they were back on the road, covering those last few miles off the highway and on a small rural road with two lanes.

  “When he disappeared,” Bryson told Aidan, flicking off the radio, “people kept thinking they saw him places. A few people were insistent that he was working in a coffee shop in Fort Benton. It was absurd, but it was hopeful at the same time. All those possibilities seemed better than what the truth eventually became.”

  They were getting closer now, the road flanked on both sides by huge fields of nothingness. The winter wheat was starting to grow after the cold, but it wasn’t quite there yet. It was just nubs really, stalks that were short enough to look over and see beyond. He had loved the wheat when it was prime, tall and golden and waving in the wind like an endless sea. It was after the harvest and during this time of the year that it just felt barren and desolate, and it wasn’t something he cared for much. He hated that Aidan had to see it like this, but life and timing had dictated their visit, and there wasn’t much to do to change it.

  “We moved up here from Atlanta, that’s where we were both born. Our dad was from here though, right here in this town. When we came, he sent Alec off to a boarding school in Colorado, and I was alone until they brought him back home. That was after he tried to kill himself the first time. His roommate found him.”

  It was all just spilling out, all these things he wanted Aidan to know and to understand. They passed a sign that announced their arrival in the town, and then suddenly there it was. There was the little grocery store beside the post office and the diner at the end of Main Street where they had eaten so many of their meals. There was the beauty shop where everyone got their hair cut and the farm store where everyone got pieces for their equipment and massive orders of seed wheat. He drove them out to the high school and did a U-turn, trundling back through town. They went slowly, looking at everything while Bryson pointed out the differences.

 

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