Poems he wrote, p.23
Poems He Wrote, page 23
“I could’ve, but why would I? It was your decision.” The fool keeps laughing, as he puts the bars in.
I have a matching set. Also a black stone. Looking at myself in the mirror with my gorgeous, bejeweled nipples, I smile. I look powerful. I look edible. I look hot.
I look like someone Noah will never touch again. Not because he doesn’t want to, but because he can’t.
Putting my clothes back on was a little tricky, as my chest feels like it’s on fire. Fuck the bra, I’m going wild and free.
Kissing Corey on the cheek, I say goodbyes. The drive home is fairly quick. I blast my Lana Del Rey playlist, singing along. Even though the feeling of emptiness never left me since that night, I feel relatively happy. I did something for myself.
***
Once I finish packing my bags, I stuff them into my car. Corey follows me out, and holds me for quite a while. I know I will only be one relatively short drive away, but moving out hurts like a bitch. It was easier when he was the one leaving. I knew it deep in my heart that he was coming back, one way or another. And he wasn’t leaving Silver Lake. I am.
I took the job offer a few weeks ago, found the apartment, and now is the time to grab that role by the balls.
I sniffle into Corey’s shirt, not being able to let him go. He kisses my hair, as I feel his tears wetting it.
“It feels like I am sending my daughter away,” he chokes, and in a way it does feel like I am both his child and his best friend. He was everything to me since I was six.
“You can come live with me, move with me,” I cry.
“No, baby. You need to be on your own. This is your first time leaving actually.”
“I know. It hurts,” I say, stepping away from him, reaching the car door handle. My watery eyes roam over him, as if it’s the last time I get to see him. I let a deep breath out, the moment I put my hands on the wheel, but it feels more like a sob.
“I am just a phone call away. Okay?” He wipes my tears with his thumb, pushing his hand through the open window.
“I know. I love you,” I whisper, putting the key into ignition.
“I love you, too, Rory,” he says the nickname my dad gave me, and my heart roars with pain.
Patting the roof of my car, he turns around and walks into the house, his shoulders shaking.
***
I drive slowly through the streets of my newly found home. I can do this. I am a big girl. My mind swarms with the thoughts of accidentally bumping into my mother at the grocery store, and I shiver. What if Noah comes to visit them, and I bump into him instead? I honestly don’t know what sounds worse.
Parking in front of my new apartment, I feel sudden calmness. No matter what happens, I will figure it out. I will try my best with mom, I will sort things out with Noah. I will apologize and tell him everything that’s happened in the last two years. He will understand. I know he will. And in front of the others, I will pretend I never saw him before. I need to do it this way, for Marko. He seems like a good man, he is the one who raised Noah, after all. I will put myself first some other time.
33
Just Pretend - Bad Omens
Noah
I am numb. My whole body feels like nothing. Do I even have it anymore, or did it turn into a bunch of dust and fly off with the wind into the night. I want to speak. I truly want to, but the lump in my throat is threatening to suffocate me if I open my mouth.
The air in my lungs feels heavy, like it was somehow drenched in gasoline. I feel my jaw click and my lower lip tremble, but there is nothing I can do to stop this feeling from spreading from my brain to my heart. I am drowning in it.
Is this what betrayal feels like?
Is this even betrayal?
It can’t be. There is something more. My head feels like it’s underwater. I hear Ronan’s cries, I hear Corey trying to talk her down, but I can’t make out the words. They are too far from me to understand, or I’m way too deep. I feel the waves of it crashing into me.
Sadness.
I longed for her. For two fucking years I searched for her. Why? Why did she hide it from me? I would’ve understood. She should’ve told me.
The image blurs before my eyes. They are burning. With anger or with disappointment, I am not sure yet. Ronan steps up to Corey, twisting her fists into his shirt as he’s holding his temples with both of his hands. I know she is still yelling because I can see the veins on her neck throb, but he isn’t. He looks like he is on the verge of tears.
They are fighting.
Over me.
I don’t want that.
I want to stop them so badly, but I cannot move for the life of me. Maybe if I just close my eyes for a moment, if I focus a bit harder, maybe I could push the lump down.
Isn’t life funny? How one of your biggest flames dies in a matter of seconds. Someone must be looking down on us and having a good laugh. If God exists, he is a cruel one.
“Noah?” A hand shakes me, holding my shoulder.
“Hm?” I look up, Corey’s bloodshot eyes looking back at me.
“I am so sorry, man,” he chokes out. “I thought you knew.”
“Why the fuck would you even talk about it?” Ronan cries from behind him, anger coating her every word.
“I’m…okay,” I lie, swallowing boulders in my throat.
“Noah?” Ronan speaks to me, looking into my eyes, searching for something inside, but I know there’s nothing to be found there. It’s all gone.
“I…take care of my brother,” I say looking into Corey’s eyes again. “I have to leave.”
“Yeah, man. I will, I promise.”
I stride past him, heading back into the house. Many of the people have left in our time on the balcony. It’s almost empty now. Good. Way less people to witness my falling apart hour. Ronan runs after me, as he says one more strained ‘I’m sorry’ to her.
My head is down, hiding the sting in my eyes. A shoulder knocks into me. I know the hardness of it, the smell of the person it belongs to.
Jensen.
“You have a good man out there,” I say, throwing my thumb over my shoulder, pointing to the back porch. “Make sure he knows what you feel. At all times. Never hide from him.”
“Are you okay, Noah?” My younger brother grabs my shoulders, but I twist out of his grasp.
“No.”
That’s the only thing I manage to say without my voice breaking on a cry. I squeeze his wrist once, as I walk past him, something like a small tradition the two of us made growing up. Every time we were asked that question, we squeezed each other's wrists as our way of saying ‘I’ll try my best to be’. He nods his head once, before watching me go.
Ronan follows me up to my car, calling for me all the way there, but I can’t stop. I can’t let her look at me, can’t let her speak to me. What if it all was a lie to her? I can’t let her lie some more.
I unlock the car, rushing into it. I sit in silence, the tiny lamp in front of my rear view mirror shining brightly. I feel Ronan’s hand on my shoulder, and it burns. It scorches the skin under my shirt.
“Noah, please!” She cries, and cries, and I want to comfort her, but what about me?
“Can we just go home, please?”
“Will you let me…”
“Please, let’s just go home. I need…I don’t want to listen. I don’t want to speak. Can we go home, please?”
“Yeah,” she sniffles, putting her seat belt on.
I start the car, trying my best to be as composed as possible. I shouldn’t be driving like this, with the possibility of running us into a ditch so high, but I have to. I have to get away. I need to be alone. My palms are sweaty on the wheel, but I’m holding on tight, like it’s my lifeline. I glance at Ronan, her face puffy with tears, saltwater dried on her cheeks.
My head is swarming with questions. Is this supposed to be love? How is it love if it’s built on a lie? Did she lie about that too? But I have an answer for one of them only.
Why does it feel like I'm dying?
Because it was real for me. From the first touch to the last kiss, it was real for me.
It is real for me.
***
Rain washes over us once we are back at Oaks Creek. We step out of the car in front of Ronan’s apartment. I don’t know who is the one breaking apart more, her or me. And though I can only feel the pain in my heart, I can see hers on her face.
Taking her hand, I lead her into the building, shielding her from the downpour. She squeezes my palm tightly, as if I’m about to disappear into thin air, which I might actually do. She jiggles her front door keys, her hands shaking immensely. I cover her hand with mine, still trying to soothe her, the image of me doing the same thing on the first night I had her slams into my head.
Once we are inside, there’s not much around us but pitch darkness. The shadows cast from the lights outside dance all over the walls. My mind must be playing tricks on me, because all of them look like they are laughing at me.
Ha, ha, Noah is a fool.
Ha, ha, look at him.
Ronan walks into her kitchen and flickers one of the smoldering lights on. Soft glow covers her face, showing me the mess on it. It hurts to look at her like that, but being betrayed hurts more. How could she?
I stand still, my legs locked in place right in front of the entrance. My heart is weeping in my chest, my breath is short. Ronan looks at me with fear and devastation in her eyes, and once I catch them, I don’t dare break the contact.
Look at me. See what’s inside me. Look at what you’ve done.
My anger boils inside of my gut, wanting to rip through, wanting to break and destroy. Still holding my eyes, she walks up to me, setting her palms on my hips. My body jerks and cringes at the touch, but I keep it in. Ronan looks at me, tilting her chin up, unable to control its tremble. She slowly runs her hands upwards and around my waist, pulling me into a hug. Her forehead hits my chest, and I can’t help the groan that leaves my mouth. She squeezes me tighter with every passing second, but my hands don’t move from their first position.
I don’t wrap my arms around her. I can’t.
For a while, Ronan cries into my chest as I crack my fingers at my sides. I hate how my heart, even after being broken, wants to be there for her. My brain doesn’t. My brain wants me to leave. It wants me to grieve, to soak it all in.
I step away from her, which makes her hands unlock at my back. I lift my fingers up to her face, swiping my thumb under her eye, collecting the tears. Bringing it back to my lips, I place it on my tongue. Saltiness coats my taste buds as she looks at me. I take it out, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. My lungs feel like they are on fire, but I would take that over having my heart broken any day.
“Noah…” she whispers sadly, reaching for my hand, but I gently catch her wrist, pushing it back down.
I close in that one-step distance between us, and with my free hand grab her cheek. I hum, melting our lips together. I kiss her ravenously, like she is the last drop of water, like she is the last grain of sugar, like she didn’t lie.
I kiss her, losing myself inside her lips. Brushing them slowly with mine, nibbling and biting, remembering. She opens up for me, and I let my tongue brush against hers, taste of alcohol still lingering on it. My hands squeeze harder, tangling in her hair and rubbing on her wrist. I am drowning myself in the feel of her body close to mine this one last time.
My fingers press into her tattoo, trying to rub it raw, trying to erase the word that binds us.
Ljubavi.
What a silly word. What does it even mean anymore!?
She doesn’t register what I’m doing, but just pushes her curves into my body more and more, as breathy sounds leave her throat. I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel it too. It’s always there between us, this current, this pull. My dick twitches in my jeans as she fumbles with the buttons, her knuckles rubbing against it.
She pushes my pants down, trying to sink to her knees in front of me, but I push my fingers into her jaw, keeping her in place. My kiss turns rough and starved, my body overcome with the need to feel her one last time, to be owned by her one last time.
Letting go of her hand and face, I slowly drop to my knees, leaving feather-light kisses all the way down, moving her shirt away to touch her bare skin. I kiss her stomach, nuzzling my face into it, reveling in the soft feel of it. She moans, running her fingers through my hair, but I’m not doing this for her. I’m doing this for me. For my own selfish reasons.
I peel her panties and trousers down, after taking her feet out of her Doc’s. She steps out of them, swaying slightly. I pull her down, setting her ass on the hardwood floor. Her legs fall open for me and I take it as an invitation to crawl over her and lean the head of my cock against her soaking wet pussy.
My heart constricts in my chest, happy at the thought of everything being just the way it should be. After all, this is what we do best, this is how we came to be, but my heart couldn’t be more wrong.
She hikes her hips up, impaling herself on me, and a shudder runs down my spine. There is nothing in this world that will top the feeling of her being around me.
I take her thigh, lifting it up so I have a better range of motion. We rock into each other in unison, our bodies loving the other one, sweet, shaky breaths echo around the room.
I need to feel more.
Without a word said I lift her blouse up and over her head, never stopping the movements of my hips. I grind myself on her clit, the pulsing sensation driving me insane. Yanking her bra down, her breasts spill over it. I grab one pierced nipple into my mouth, biting the hardened peak.
‘I did them so I could feel closer to you’, a memory runs through my head. How close were you actually?
I move my lips to the other as she locks her legs around my waist, speeding up our movements. I feel her walls tighten and I know she is there, and so am I. We are a sweaty, writhing mess on the floor. She makes a fist at the back of my head, pulling at my hair as she screams out, taken over by the bliss of her orgasm. I look into her, trembling with ecstasy, her release triggering my own.
Opening my eyes, I look at her face, roaming over it. Engraving her features in my memory.
“I love you, Rory,” I rasp, my voice breaking on the last word, but she doesn’t notice.
“I love you.”
I sit back on my knees, slowly pulling out of her. My come trickles out of her, coating her pussy, and I do what every sane man would. The same thing I did the first night we shared together. I push it all right back in. She giggles at my gesture and stands up, heading for the bathroom.
“I’ll be right back!” she says. But I won’t.
Once I hear the bathroom door click shut, I get up from the floor, pulling my pants up. I close the buttons, my dick still wet with her arousal. My head is spinning again, the hurt reinforced by what just happened with her. I knew it was a possibility, but fuck, I wasn’t ready for it.
Did she notice I still had all of my clothes on? Did she notice that was the only thing I said after a few hours of complete and utter silence? Did she notice what name I used for her?
My heart is hammering in my chest as I take the keys out of the lock and step out of the apartment. The door closes behind me, and I lock it from the outside. I know she keeps her spare key in a cereal box hidden under her bed and I’ll put this one in her locker. I couldn’t just leave with her door unlocked, she wouldn’t be safe like that.
I lean my forehead on the cold wood and press my palms into it. My breath leaves a foggy, wet spot on it.
“I… I’m sorry,” I whisper before running down the stairs.
I might be a coward for running but I can’t face her. I can’t say goodbye, because she would find a way to break me and make me stay. And that’s something I can’t let her do. I just can’t.
The rain keeps falling, hammering into me as I drive through the night. Not another person in sight. The streets are dark and lonely, but not as much as me.
34
Back to Black - Amy Winehouse
Ronan
I feel my whole world crumble the second I realize he isn't there anymore. I run through my apartment, calling for him, but only silence answers my screams.
He left.
I would’ve left too.
I try calling, but my calls don’t go through and none of my texts are being delivered. I have pushed him away. My lies and hiding have pushed him away. I knew it was coming, but I was hoping it would be on my terms. I hoped I could explain.
I didn’t even try to. I should’ve been more persistent and made him listen. It’s too late now. I am tempted to go over to his place, but this is a boundary he set. I can’t cross it, I can’t break his trust even more.
I can’t stop my sobs, no matter how hard I try. Every breath I take makes it even worse. I regret not telling him that very first night, or any other night I sat in my car in front of his store, crying into my hands. It would’ve been better.
Sadness washes over me, making it hard for me to sort through all my thoughts. I am nothing more than a disappointment. Christine was right. She always is. She is my mother, after all, she knows me best. She raised me to be this. A liar, a fraud. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, as far as I can see.
“Please…please…please…” I beg, trying to call him one more time, but the line is just one long, depressing beep.
I broke my own heart into a million pieces. I deserve it, but why does it hurt so much? Why does it feel like every organ is being ripped out of my body at once?
‘I love you’ flashes behind my closed eyes, ‘I love you, Rory.’
I smash my fist into my pillow, another sob raking through me. The name I used that night. I should have known. I don’t blame him for leaving. I truly don’t, I just wish he looked me in the eye before he locked me in. That would’ve been my undoing, but I would take it, if it meant for him to look at me just one more time.
I would take it all. The anger, the rage. The disgust on his face as he looks at me. The room around me spins as I think about the tone of his voice and how lost he looked the moment Corey told him. Like his whole world flipped on its axis, and all I can think about is that it should’ve been me. I should’ve been the one to tell him everything.
