Poems he wrote, p.9
Poems He Wrote, page 9
***
A week after my dad’s phone call, I sit in my neat and clean office, but the scent of Ronan lingers in the air, and I never want it to stop. She comes here every day after work. Sometimes she is happy, sometimes she breaks down in tears when one of her ‘food episodes’, what she calls them, kicks in. I am happy to hold her and share her happiness as much as I am there to be her shoulder to cry on. My heart breaks for her every time she shamefully takes out candy wrappers from her pockets and admits she was hiding in her car, eating her sadness away. I hate it so much… The fact that she feels like she has to hide when she’s eating something society deems unhealthy, just because she is a bit bigger. It’s not her fault though. People who praise me for eating a bag of chips are the same people who give her side eye for it.
Our small suitcases sit in the corner of my soundproofed space, right in my line of sight, fully packed. I am trying so hard to write something, but I repeatedly come up empty-handed. It’s already been more than two years since my ‘writing dry-spell’ decided to show its face. I have the woman I always dreamed of in my life again, but not the way I want to. That might be the sole reason my writing issues are still present. I want to show her off and hold her hand. I want to love her in the street. I want everyone to know she, this beautiful, charming, amazing woman, belongs to me. She doesn’t deserve to be a secret. But we can’t. I can’t be the reason my father loses his happiness, just so I could get mine. No matter how fake for Christine the whole thing might have been from the start, I can’t be the one to break his heart. I can’t take it away from him, he’s already lost so much, but at the same time I have a strong feeling that Christine is going to show her true face way sooner than she wants.
Walking out of my office I see Matilda chatting with a customer. She looks like a ray of sunshine, all smiles, rainbows and goth charm. The guy is chunkier, his hair buzzed, and he seems equally enthusiastic to talk to her. Not wanting to ruin her moment, I walk back into my own space.
My phone vibrates on the table, Ronan’s name shining on the screen.
“Ljubavi,” I say with a smile on my face.
“Hey, Noah! I am missing you.” There is this strange tone to her voice, like she’s either holding back her tears, or she’s just stopped crying.
“Is everything okay? Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I am just a bit worried about our trip tomorrow.”
“We don’t have to go. If you’ve changed your mind, we can just tell my dad about it and dip.”
“No, no. I want to do it. I want to be there. I need to do it. For me. For this child in me, who always wanted to feel like she belonged somewhere, like she had a family. I just…” Ronan sighs, “I need to be alone tonight. I need to prepare.”
“You do. You belong with us. With or without Christine, but I am pretty sure all three of us would actually prefer the latter option. If you need me, though, I am just a phone call away. You know that, right?” I drop to my leather couch, spreading my feet apart as if she is about to sit on the floor in front of me and rest her head in my lap.
“Thank you, Noah. It means the world to me. If it gets bad in my head again, I will let you know.” She breathes in deeply, and I can hear the smile in her voice. “Bye, baby. See you tomorrow.”
“Bye, Ronan. I’ll pick you up at eight.” I say, biting my tongue back, stopping myself from saying more than I should.
The line goes silent, and my head falls back onto the headrest. I feel sleep creeping up on me slowly. I wrap the blanket I used on Ronan all around me, and feel it completely showering me in her delicate smell. Yawns take over, my eyes are closing, and the last thing on my mind is Ronan.
***
Suitcases sit heavy in my trunk as I wait for Ronan to run out. We are meeting dad, Christine and Jensen at the airport in thirty minutes. Ronan rushes from her building in a flowy, low cut green dress that makes her figure look like an hourglass. This shade of green gives her hair some special type of glow. Her makeup is done, but it doesn’t hide the puffiness under her eyes. I know it deep in my bones, she’s cried all night.
She smiles brightly at me, as I open the car door. Her luscious body slams into mine at such force we almost topple over.
“I need to keep my distance from you in the next few days,” she squeals, hugging me tightly, leaving pecks all over my face. “I want to get my fix now.”
“We can always sneak a hug here and there. I can hold you innocently too.” I whisper into her hair.
“Sure you can, but the question is do I want you to?” she giggles lightly, even though her eyes hold all the fear and the pain in this world.
“I can do anything you want me to.” I say as I stuff her into the passenger seat. I need her to realize how true this statement is.
She blasts Slipknot on our way to the airport, singing her heart out. Her small dance moves catch my attention and her brightness crosses over to me. Ronan is all milky skin, dark tattoos and bouncy boobs. She doesn't stop as we reach the airport. She doesn’t flinch when we park next to our parents, the sadness seems to be out of her system or she is getting really, really good at pretending. Christine looks dumbfounded when Ronan rolls her window down and whisper screams to Jensen with excitement radiating off of her.
“Hi, kids!” my dad yells over our blasting music.
“Hi, Marko!” Ronan shouts back, high-fiving him through the window.
We get out of the car and loud chatter engulfs us. Everyone is hugging except Christine and Ronan. Jensen grabs my girl’s hands and drags her inside the huge building. I stay behind to get the luggage out and lock our car. Sun is already high and bright, even though it’s early morning, and that gives me hope.
There will be no fighting.
There will be no feuds.
There will be no violence.
Those three thoughts occupy my mind. I repeat them as my mantra for the day.
After quite some tense-up time, we finally stroll to the gate. Boarding the plane is easy when you have only one tiny suitcase filled with lots of underwear and three complete outfits. We are staying in the rental house for a long weekend, so I didn’t pack too much. Only the necessities. Toothbrush, hairbrush, lube…and yes, lube is a goddamn necessity.
The plane is small, which makes me feel good, since I don’t particularly enjoy a crowd, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t any problems with the seating.
“I don’t want to sit next to her.” Christine says to Jensen, “How about you switch seats with Ronan? I don’t like sitting next to big people. They take up way too much space and squish me, and I’m pretty sure you won’t do any of that.” She spits, adding an eye roll to the mix, whilst my stomach turns.
“How about you stop being a bitch to your daughter for once?” Jensen snaps, as my dad comes closer and tries to calm the situation down, confused at Christine’s behavior and the way she talks about her own child. As if it’s the first time he hears something like that. Maybe it is, considering how sickeningly sweet she is around him. He is either blind, or his age is messing with his compass. What surprises me a bit is the fact that Jensen is losing his cool, and I have no idea what’s going on. He tries his best to always be zen, and gets his frustrations out at the gym, but for the last few months, his behavior has changed.
“Honey, please, it’s just for a few hours. She is your daughter, for Christ’s sake. How can you say that to her? Ronan, love, you’re gorgeous. I apologize.” he says, turning to my brother. “Jensen, I will talk to you later.”
“I don’t want to be squished by her. And I want to sit next to you and Jensen.” Christine says calmly, like it’s the most normal thing in the world to insult your daughter so nonchalantly.
“Dad, do you mind if Jensen and I switch seats with you and Ronan’s mom?” I ask, my words loud enough to drag all of their attention to me.
Yes, bitch, I am not letting you close to my brother.
He agrees at the same time Christine rejects my offer. Tough shit, because I’m already pushing my way into the row, window seat taken by me. Thank you very much.
Ronan scooches next to me, and Jensen follows. The three of us are now taking up the whole row. He squeezes her knee gently and murmurs some apologies. Ronan kisses his cheek and turns slightly to me.
She mouths a ‘thank you’ and bows her gorgeous head, a crack in her shield showing her sadness again.
We strap in in silence, but her sniffles break it. I reach for her hand, but she quickly takes it away, darting her eyes to the row behind us and a tiny space in between the seats, which is in Christine's perfect line of sight.
“Are you okay?” I whisper to her.
“I will be.” She nods her head to herself, trying to believe those words.
I grab a backpack from Jensen’s lap and put it over my left hand. Stretching out a bit I grab Ronan’s pinkie finger with mine and pull it under the bag. She shivers and squeezes it tightly. ‘I got you’, I mouth to her. A delicate, but still hurt smile graces her, yet again, puffy face.
Once we finally take off, she leans her head onto my shoulder, pretending she’s asleep. She nuzzles into me innocently, but at some point she does doze off for real. I turn my head and kiss her hair, knowing what a dumb and risky move that is, and I’m met with Christine’s ice-cold stare. She is staring daggers into my profile, and I can’t help but smirk. If I have to be the only person who has Ronan’s back, and face the wrath of the rest of the world, I will. I am not afraid of anything that might come my way if I need to protect her.
I know this tiny hair-kiss probably earns me a mouthful once we get off, but I’ll gladly take it. I’ll take it all for her.
14
Feeling good - Michael Bublé
Ronan
This eight hour flight goes by so quickly. I fell asleep at some point, after pressing my cheek to Noah’s shoulder. His lemony scent sends me in deep, and I finally get the rest I desperately needed.
The night before was sleepless and full of tears, and that's the only reason why I didn’t respond to my mother’s spiteful words. I came to this trip with the hope of fixing my relationship with Christine one last time or at least burying the hatchet, but she is amazing at pissing all over my hopes, obviously. I am not sure how much longer I can take it. I honestly doubt we could right the wrongs that have been done in the years behind us, and wish I could just forget.
The landing is a bit rocky. For some reason I always get scared of it, but this time I don’t have a full-blown panic attack, and I take that as a win. Jensen and Noah hold my hands tightly and take deep, calming breaths with me.
Once we are out of the plane, hot air fills my lungs. It’s six in the evening, the sky has this beautiful pink color, so I take a few pictures of it. The one with Noah’s hair in the corner becomes my new screensaver.
Marko’s friend picks us up and drives us for quite a while to our rental place in his big, fire-engine red van. The ride is interesting since I’ve never heard anyone curse that much while driving. I don't actually understand a single word he says, but I know for a fact those are curse words, since Noah’s dad keeps apologizing, and looking at me like his friend is borderline insane. My mother ignores me all the way to the villa, and I let myself admit that I’m truly grateful for it.
***
There is a sign on the front porch of the gorgeous house that says “Biser Kosmaja”. Marko says it means “The pearl of Kosmaj”, which makes it even better. A gorgeous white villa, with huge wood-framed windows and heavy doors, that is set in the middle of a forest, just like a pearl is set in the middle of a seashell. How poetic!
Jensen takes our stuff out of the van and pulls me along with him. I guess he keeps doing this to keep the attention off of me and Noah, and I am thankful for his efforts.
We enter a huge living room and I feel like my breath is punched out of my chest. Everything is made out of wood and gray stone. It gives off such a cozy vibe, even though it’s still relatively warm outside. I bet winters here feel like those out of a fairytale. Big, white sofa sits across the fireplace decorated with deer antlers. Throw blankets hang from every chair, in various colors, and it makes me wish I had superpowers so I could fly myself back here anytime I want in just a few seconds.
My mother walks in right behind us, holding Marko’s hand, and the temperature, along with the mood, immediately drops.
“Isn’t it wonderful?” he asks.
“I mean, there is a lot of wood in here,” she responds, sounding completely disappointed.
Jensen looks at me with his eyes saucer-wide. Noah staggers behind my mother, hiding his chuckle, his hands busy with dragging my mother’s luggage, his dirty mind catching on the word. This is literally the most beautiful house I’ve ever been inside of, and I’m pretty sure it goes for my mother too. The thing about Christine is that she needs to rain on other people’s parades.
“We love it, dad. It truly is amazing,” he says, rolling his eyes at Christine.
“There are two rooms in the attic. One is for you boys, and the other one is for Ronan. You’ll be sharing a bathroom, which is between them, accessible by both rooms.” Marko explains, “Christine and I will take the basement room.”
“Why are we in the basement again?” Christine asks in disgust.
“Because we love our kids,” he says, taking the luggage from Noah, as he pulls her down the stairs. “Late dinner at nine. I am grilling some meat.”
They dip into the lower level, and the three of us collectively run up the stairs, racing. Jensen enters the bigger room first, but walks straight through the bathroom, winking at us before closing the doors to the other room.
Noah pulls me into a hug, and murmurs something into my hair, but I am too happy to finally be alone with him that I don’t understand a word he said.
I don’t even have the time to look around the room, as he grabs my face and kisses me gently. His right hand roams up my waist, scrunching the material of my dress around it, whilst his left one is detangling a bow, holding my cleavage together. My boobs topple over the upper hem of my dress, and he ducks to catch one of my nipples into his mouth. The tiniest of breaths leaves my mouth, but I am still afraid someone might hear it, so I clasp a hand over my hungry lips just in case. His tongue slowly slides from my silver barbell up to my collarbone and neck. He hums and purrs as he pulls my lace panties down.
“I love you in green,” Noah rasps, “but I love you more out of it.”
I quickly take my dress off, so I’m left standing in nothing but a curtain of copper curls. He takes my hand and leads me to one of the two twin beds in this room. Even though my thighs are double the size of his, he lifts me onto it easily.
“Let me have my dessert before dinner, please.”
“How would you feel about making a creampie instead?” I smile softly at him, winking, and it takes a moment, but the words seem to register in his brain.
As if my sentence set off a bomb in him, he rips his belt open, unzips his pants, and slides home into my hot wetness in one long, vicious thrust. The stretch hurts so good it makes me see stars. As soon as my mouth opens, he blocks my sounds from coming out with a searing kiss.
“I would love that, Ljubavi.” he grits through his teeth, speeding up his movement, rubbing along my walls, causing my legs to twitch and shake.
I scratch at his clothed back, trying so desperately to pull him closer to me, more into me, even though our bodies are literally already glued together. He rolls his hips just right to hit all of my favorite spots. His piercings are slippery and freezing cold against me. He went through so much pain, getting five of them and healing them correctly, just so he could give more pleasure. There’s something about it, something so erotic and wild. It makes my head spin.
Noah lifts my leg up on his shoulder, and my eyes roll to the back of my head, due to the new angle and depth he is reaching.
“I’ve been wanting you so much, Ronan. I can’t get enough,” he whispers. “I want you all the time, I want you so full of me and so raw from me that you wince every time you move.”
I nod my head frantically, not even sure why I’m nodding, or what I’m agreeing to. My legs start shaking, my orgasm nesting in my lower belly, when a loud bang on the door snaps me out of it.
“Noah, Jensen, dinner is starting.” Christine bellows from the hallway.
He lifts his palm from my lips, placing it over his in a “shhh” motion. His hips keep pumping, but the speed is wild and cruel. I am at my wits end, trying my best not to scream out. The bed is shaking, but thankfully, not squeaking as Noah snatches a pillow from under me and stuffs it quickly between the wall and the bed frame.
His thumb finds my clit, and he rubs tiny circles around it.
Once, twice, third time, sold.
My body constricts around him. Warm gushes of pleasure soaking my thighs. I’m biting hard into my own palm, spasming, my back arching off the bed.
BANG BANG BANG
“Noah, I said dinner is getting started.” Christine yells again, louder this time.
“Fuck...” he curses into my lips, “I’m fucking coming!” Noah yells back, filling me up to the hilt, his cock twitching and spilling inside me.
Oh my god.
The double meaning of his words has me cackling.
I feel his cock pulse so deep it sends another round of pleasure through me. He smiles softly, and drops gentle kisses on my forehead and cheeks.
“Creampie it is,” he chuckles, nuzzling my nose with his own.
Getting off of me, he bows down and kisses my tummy, my soft rolls rosy after his body rubbing on mine. It makes me blush a little. He lifts me back up after zipping himself back in. My hands find the dress I flicked off of me in the swoosh of passion, and I put it on. Noah laughs as he watches me looking around for my panties.
