Within you without you, p.15
Within You, Without You, page 15
No, the taxi driver had said London, not Epsom. But why get an expensive taxi instead of the train? He wouldn’t have got home any earlier. She tried to push these pointless ifs and buts aside as she dragged a brush through her damp hair and pulled it into a ponytail.
The radio was on as usual when she went into the kitchen. She had never worked out why her parents couldn’t cope with silence. Maybe it was because the constant background hum of middle of the road classics and dull phone-ins, broken up by half hourly news bulletins, meant that talk between them could be bypassed while listening to the conversations and opinions of strangers.
Her mother was ironing. The iron hissed as it glided back and forth over one of George’s work shirts. Valerie stood it with a clatter on the metal edge of the ironing board before folding the shirt and placing it carefully in the basket on the kitchen table beside her.
She looked up and, with narrowed eyes, asked, ‘How did you get home? I thought you were with Elaine? And why was Mark ringing?’
Before Kathryn could answer, the newsreader’s voice caught her mother’s attention.
‘A man was assaulted in Brighton in the early hours of this morning. He is in a critical condition and his family have been informed. Police are making enquiries locally and are asking anyone who was in the region of Kings Road between five and seven am to come forward.’
The newsreader’s tone suggested these things happened every day. As he moved on to the next item, so did Kathryn’s mother.
‘Life will never be the same for some poor family. Anyway, go on, what happened last night?’
Before Kathryn could answer, the doorbell rang, giving her a welcome reason to avoid her mother’s questions and to momentarily forget the nervous twisting of her stomach at the thought of Ed in a hospital bed with his family around him.
It wasn’t Mark, as she expected, but Elaine standing on the doorstep.
‘You’re in one piece then,’ she said.
‘Only just. Wait till I tell you everything.’
Elaine couldn’t hide her look of disgust at the unmade bed and heap of clothing and shoes on Kathryn’s bedroom floor.
She picked up the blue dress and laid it over the back of the chair by the desk.
‘Sorry about that,’ Kathryn mumbled, ‘It was a lovely present.’
Elaine held up a hand. ‘Never mind the dress. Tell me everything.’
Aware that Mark would be here at any moment and wanting to bring her friend up to speed as quickly as possible, Kathryn glossed over the incident with Roland. As she was about to move on to the misunderstanding with Ed, the door opened and Valerie came in with two cups of tea and the biscuit tin on a tray.
As she put them down on the desk, she shook her head.
‘Look at this room.’
Elaine tried to steer her away from her usual barrage of criticism.
‘We’re just talking about last night, Valerie. We had such a lovely evening but my parents had friends staying over so Kathryn decided to come home instead of staying the night.’
‘And how did you get home?’ Valerie asked Kathryn.
‘By taxi,’ Elaine chimed in. ‘It was late by then, wasn’t it? Must have been what, one o’clock?’
‘Well, at least you got home safe,’ her mother shrugged. ‘You know we worry about you being out late at night. We can’t get a minute’s sleep until you’re home.’
The girls exchanged glances and, after Valerie had left the room with the empty tray, Kathryn shook her head in disbelief.
‘I never know what to say to my parents but you have them eating out of your hand.’
Elaine shrugged before taking a gulp of tea, ‘Well, someone has to convince them that you’re behaving yourself and not running around the country after some fella. Now, tell me, what exactly happened when you went into the garden with that Roland bloke?’
‘Nothing much. It’s not important anyway because we had a fight.’
‘You and Roland?’
‘No, me and Ed. And then Mark turned up.’
‘Mark who?’
‘Mark Johnson.’
‘Beth’s Mark?’
‘Yes, although I wish you’d all stop calling him that. As if he hasn’t any identity beyond the fact that he used to go out with my sister.’
Elaine shrugged. ‘Fair enough. But we’re talking about the same Mark?’
Kathryn nodded.
‘Poor Mark. He’s had a tough few months, by all accounts,’ Elaine said, straightening a pile of magazines on the desk.
‘He didn’t say anything last night,’ Kathryn replied.
‘His dad’s very ill. Cancer again. My brother knows Mark from work; that’s how I heard about it.’
They heard a car stop outside the house and, peering out the window, saw Mark get out and walk towards the house before going back to check he had locked the doors.
‘What’s he doing here?’
‘He’s coming with me to Liverpool,’ Kathryn answered, seeing the look of surprise on her friend’s face. ‘What? He fancies a break.’
Valerie had let Mark in and they were standing in the hall making polite conversation when Kathryn and Elaine came down the stairs. Despite the heat, he was wearing a navy blouson jacket and dark trousers. Elaine and Kathryn had always joked that however hard he tried, he always dressed like someone twenty years older; like someone who always made the appropriate effort for the occasion.
Nobody had ever understood Mark and Beth as a couple. Beth was popular and the centre of attention while Mark stood in the wings, full of admiration for her. It was always going to burn out, especially when she got the offer of working abroad for a summer; an offer they all knew would extend into something permanent. Only Mark clung to the hope that she would return and pick up where they left off.
He eventually realised what everyone else had already known – that she would leave her life, and everyone in it, behind. Her parents, their loyalties firmly with their oldest daughter, had grown weary of his phone calls and visits, but Kathryn had taken his side, sorry that he had been cast aside as soon as a brighter future had beckoned for Beth. Even as a teenager, she had understood that people as kind as Mark were rare.
Mark turned and smiled broadly. The picture of health, without so much as a hint of tiredness.
After offering Mark the customary cup of tea, which he politely declined, Valerie returned to her ironing. Their relationship had not been the same since Beth left. Kathryn had even heard her mother tell her father that if Mark had been worth staying for, Beth might not have left in the first place. Of course, they all knew that was ridiculous, that these were the words of a mother who wanted to blame someone for her daughter flying the nest, likely never to return. And he had become something of a nuisance, ringing repeatedly to ask if they knew when Beth might be home again. They had been relieved when he finally got the message and drifted away to pick up his life again.
As the door closed behind Valerie, Mark’s shoulders seemed to relax a little.
‘I think your mum’s a bit thrown by me just turning up,’ he said in a low voice before turning to Elaine, ‘Hey, I haven’t seen you in such a long time. What are we going to do with our lovesick friend here?’
#
They decided to pick up Kathryn’s car then drop Mark’s car off at his house before heading north.
‘Sorry to hear your dad’s not well,’ Kathryn said, feeling her own problems pale into insignificance next to what Mark and his family were facing.
He nodded and smiled weakly. ‘Thanks. We’re just putting one foot in front of the other. No point going into it, you know?’
Understanding that he’d rather not talk about it, Kathryn hesitated before saying, ‘Only come along if you’re sure you’re happy to. I don’t know what’s waiting for us when we get there. I mean, I don’t even know if he’s gone home.’
‘Could you ring his brother?’ Elaine asked.
‘No, their phone was cut off again last weekend. Ed’s been ringing me from a phone box.’
‘Neighbours, friends? It just seems like a long way to go if he’s not even there.’ Elaine seemed unsure about their potentially futile expedition. ‘What if he stayed in Epsom with his friends? I mean, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near those two but they are his mates. And it doesn’t sound as if there’s anything in Liverpool for him, from what you say, anyway.’
Kathryn thought of the envelope, safely zipped in her bag.
‘No, he’s definitely going to be in Liverpool because we’re… he’s flying to Dublin next weekend,’ she said.
It was four o’clock by the time they set off on the road out of town. Elaine had been aghast at the idea when Kathryn suggested it but had agreed to come along because it was her best friend’s birthday weekend, she had never been north of Oxford and not a lot happened at college on a Monday.
‘How long does it take to get there?’ Elaine had asked as she bundled her holdall into the back seat.
‘Only four and a half hours,’ Kathryn said lightly. ‘It’ll pass quickly, you’ll see.’
Chapter 11
It was as they made their way off the motorway, following the signs for Liverpool, that Kathryn’s thoughts turned to what lay ahead. The three of them had chatted for hours about the past, both shared and personal, and the present, hardly noticing the passing miles until they were on the ring road into the city.
‘I can’t believe this old car of yours has made this journey so often,’ Mark said, glancing across at the milometer.
‘I know how to change a tyre and keep the car topped up with oil and water. Beyond that, I trust to luck.’
‘You used to freak out about driving across town. Where did this new intrepid Kathryn come from?’ Elaine said.
Mark studied the map while Kathryn checked her mirror and swung the car into the right hand lane, which was signposted city centre.
‘Do you think your mum believed we were all going to Southampton?’ asked Elaine. ‘She looked a bit dubious.’
‘Where else would she think I was taking you?’ Kathryn said, winding down her window slightly. ‘It is where I’ve been living for the past six months.’
‘From what I can make out, you’re hardly ever there,’ Elaine said. ‘I told you before, you’ll regret it when you fail your exams. And your mum and dad will go spare.’
‘Elaine’s not keen on Ed,’ Kathryn said, looking across at Mark.
‘And what do you make of him, Mark?’ Elaine asked, leaning between the seats to catch a glimpse of the stretch of river in front of them.
‘We only exchanged a few words but he seemed nice enough. And pretty smitten with our Kathryn here,’ Mark replied, winking at Kathryn.
Elaine snorted and sat back.
‘Yes, well, he’ll have to convince me of that.’
Despite her friends’ protests, Kathryn decided the best plan was to drop Mark and Elaine at Pier Head and then try to find her way to the house. She didn’t want to turn up on Ed’s doorstep with her friends in tow. It would only complicate things. It was enough to know they were in the same city if she needed them. But for now, she wanted to be alone.
Whenever she had driven to Speke before, Ed had directed her. She hoped the route would be familiar enough for her to remember which exits to take at the roundabouts, and whether to turn left or right at the T junction on the edge of his estate.
Across the river, the sun was now slipping down towards the horizon and leaving in its wake a sky ablaze, as if a child had dipped their paintbrush in yellow, red and grey and swept it across the sky without thinking to wash the bristles in between. It looked like the factories and industrial plants of Birkenhead across the water were on fire, so intense were the colours. And against this lurid backdrop, King Edward VII sat on his horse atop a granite plinth, cast into silhouette.
Elaine looked up at the towering building next to where Kathryn had parked the car. Its grey stone walls seemed to go on forever, storey after storey topped by two clock towers that offered a comfortable perch for the city’s famous birds, one looking towards the Mersey, the other facing the sprawl of the city.
‘The Liver Birds,’ Elaine said, staring upwards. ‘Now I know I’m in Liverpool.’
She looked beyond to where the white Cunard Building and the domes of the stately Port of Liverpool kept watch over the river. ‘I thought it would be a bit rough up here but it looks like New York. But are you sure you’ll be alright without us?’
Kathryn nodded and looked back at the map Mark had laid out on the bonnet.
‘I’m a bit bothered about what you’ll do if Ed’s not back,’ he said, marking the route to Ed’s house with a biro. ‘Where will you stay? If you can wait a few minutes, I’ll pop over and book into one of the hotels. That way I can give you a phone number where you can reach us if you have any problems.’
But Kathryn wanted to be on her way and dismissed his concerns with a wave of her hand. ‘I’ll be fine. His brother won’t just leave me on the doorstep. Now go, have a nice time and I’ll see you tomorrow.’
‘You’re sure? Because we could get a taxi out there later, just to check that all’s well. We wouldn’t make a nuisance of ourselves or anything,’ Mark said, answered only by a frown, ‘Okay, but take care, alright?’
After arranging to meet at the same place the next day at noon, Kathryn hugged them both and watched as they made their way towards the city centre. Elaine hurried along with Mark, weighed down by both their bags, following in her wake.
#
As she turned the final corner towards Ed’s house, Kathryn felt that it was somewhat miraculous that she was here after only one wrong turning. Now that she didn’t need to concentrate on the road, her nerves were making their presence felt. She tried to convince herself that everything would be forgiven as soon as he saw her on his doorstep.
But as she pulled up at the house, her stomach lurched to see that it was in darkness. She couldn’t understand it. The kitchen light was always on and its glow could be seen through the glass of the front door. But not tonight. Every other house on the street had the look of life about it except this one.
The gate stood propped open since it had fallen off one of its hinges and, even in the dusk, she could see that the weeds had expanded their patch since her last visit. They straggled across the short concrete path, where tufts of grass pushed up through the cracks. This small patch of neglected land’s only purpose was to separate the house from the road.
She knocked hesitantly at the door and strained to hear any movement within. If Terry was away and Paul had decided on an early night – unlikely, she had to admit, but not impossible – it might take something more than a gentle tap to wake him. She knocked again, this time louder and for longer. Still nothing.
Unsure of what to do next, she waited before knocking again. And again.
After a couple more minutes, a woman popped her head over the fence that divided Ed’s front garden from next door.
‘Are you okay, love?’ she asked, ‘I saw you out of the window. You look a bit lost.’
Embarrassed to have been spotted, Kathryn smiled faintly.
‘I’m fine, thanks, but there doesn’t seem to be anyone in.’
The woman shook her head. ‘There’s nobody there, love. They all left this morning. It was early, about seven o’clock I think. I was just letting the cat out when I saw them.’
The idea of them leaving the house so early seemed odd. Kathryn couldn’t imagine what would cause such a departure. It had to be bad news. Illness or an accident.
And then Kathryn’s mind spun back to the news bulletin earlier that day. But that was in Brighton and he wouldn’t have been anywhere near Brighton, not if the taxi had taken him to London.
But what if the taxi driver had thought better of taking Ed as far as Victoria and had dropped him off in Brighton instead? Maybe he’d already made plans to meet up with Nicki and Roland in Brighton and just hadn’t told her. Maybe she had been chatting and joking with her friends all the way up here not knowing that Ed was hurt and needed her in Brighton.
She felt faint, as if the ground under her feet might give way at any moment.
‘Are you all right?’ the woman asked. ‘You don’t look too well.’
‘I’m fine, honestly. But I think something awful might have happened,’ she tailed off, unable to say anything more because she thought it would come out as sobs rather than words.
The woman persuaded Kathryn to come in for a cup of tea. Nothing, she said, was so awful that a cup of tea and something to eat couldn’t help. So, feeling weak after not eating for hours, Kathryn agreed. She would finish her tea and then get back on the road to find Mark in one of the hotels. He’d know what to do next.
While her mind raced, Kathryn’s eyes took in the details of the room. She guessed that these houses must all be laid out in the same way. Carbon copy buildings but the lives within couldn’t be more different. As she waited, she watched the blue flame of the gas fire flickering behind its steel bars. There were no chimneys on these houses. Fireplaces would have been seen as out of date when they were built in the early sixties. Who wanted to sweep up coal dust like past generations when you could have heat and light at the turn of a dial?
The woman returned with two cups of tea and a cheese and tomato sandwich on a small plate.
It turned out that her name was Sue and she had lived next to Ed’s family ever since she moved to the estate with her husband and baby in the early 1970s.
‘I didn’t realise they’d lived here that long,’ Kathryn said, biting into the sandwich.
‘Yes, our Denise is the same age as Paul. She’s a baby of her own now, lives over Kirkby way. And she’s got a lovely fella. Met him at school, she did. Anyway, don’t mind me. I do go on.’ She picked up the biscuit tin. ‘And what about yourself? Like I said, I looked out of the window when I heard someone knocking next door and saw you looking right upset out there.’
