Within you without you, p.9
Within You, Without You, page 9
The music downstairs suddenly stopped and, hearing footsteps on the stairs, Kathryn stiffened, pulling her hands away.
‘No one can come in,’ Ed whispered, before taking a step back. ‘But we can stop if you want to.’
But she didn’t want it to end here, so she eased her jumper over her head and dropped it on the floor. She shivered in the chill of the room as she turned her attention to the buttons on his shirt. Her fingers struggled clumsily with the first two before he took over, tugging the shirt and then his t-shirt over his head and throwing them onto the carpet.
As he gently took her face in his hands and began to kiss her again, she felt the warmth of his chest against her, his fingers lost in her hair. She wondered if he knew this was her first time, whether it mattered to him. But the thought was lost as he lifted his mouth from hers and with raised eyebrows, nodded towards the bed.
#
Afterwards, when morning had flowed seamlessly into afternoon, one of her first thoughts when she woke was that she couldn’t wait to tell Elaine about what had happened. Even though she would inevitably jump to the wrong conclusion and assume that Kathryn had been coerced into taking drugs. And the rest. No, it would have to remain her secret.
When she tried to move, she discovered that every muscle in her body was cramping in protest. Her legs felt like they were weighed down with bricks while her back ached miserably when she tried to sit up. A wave of nausea swept through her so ferociously that she had to drag herself from under the covers and rush to the bathroom.
As she was clinging on to the toilet, waiting for the queasiness to end, she heard Ed coming up the stairs. She was aware of him beside her as she expelled most of the water she had diligently consumed last night but it was only when she knew her stomach was empty that she glimpsed him through the tangle of her hair.
She closed her eyes and groaned. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
He put a face cloth under the tap, squeezed it out and handed it to her.
‘I did, a few times. Sometimes the comedown can be quite hard.’
The cloth gave her the cooling jolt she needed to straighten up. After dragging some clothes on and pulling a brush through her hair, she crept downstairs.
Glancing in the lounge, she saw a heap of blankets on the sofa, a tattooed arm with a silver watch hanging over the edge at one end and glossy red painted toenails poking out the other.
Ed had made her some toast and tea but she could hardly face them and, instead, filled a cup at the tap.
‘It’s best to eat, Kat, or you’ll feel like shit all day.’
Staring at the weak afternoon sun, reflected in rainwater collected in a dustbin lid in the garden, she vowed that aspirin would be the only pill she would take in future. She gulped the water and refilled the cup.
The house now seemed so small that it felt as if the walls were pressing in on her. When Ed switched on the light, she flinched at the sharp glow from the harsh fluorescent bulb.
‘Is it always like this?’ she asked, easing a chair out from the table and sitting down.
‘Not always. But when it’s your first time…’
She felt herself blushing.
‘I didn’t mean…’ he said.
She busied herself buttering the toast.
Mustering the final traces of last night’s confidence, she said, ‘So, how do you know it was?’
‘What?’ he said.
‘My first time.’ She put the knife down but didn’t look at him.
‘Doing drugs? Or…’ His voice was uncertain.
She looked at him. ‘What happened afterwards.’
‘I dunno, I suppose I just guessed.’
He stared at the ashtray in front of him, pushing it from side to side without lifting his eyes.
‘You don’t regret it or anything?’ he mumbled.
She lifted the cup. ‘Course not. It was… lovely.’
He grinned, still staring at the ashtray.
‘More than that, babe. It was blinding.’
#
Later that afternoon, Ed suggested that the only way to shake off the malaise that had set in was to take a walk. With heavy, aching legs, Kathryn agreed, if only to get away from the atmosphere in the house. Linda was still asleep and Paul’s high spirits had crashed, leaving a sourness that was best avoided.
As they walked, the houses of the estate eventually gave way to a landscape of factories and industrial units and, just as Kathryn decided this was probably as good as it got, the road ended abruptly, narrowing into a path that led into thick woodland.
It seemed odd that it was the woodland that seemed out of place, like it had been dropped into this industrial setting, when, in reality, the urban sprawl had begun as a small cluster of buildings that had spread relentlessly like ink on blotting paper, obliterating everything natural in its way.
Yet once they’d entered the woods and were sealed off within the hush of the trees, the mechanised world felt like a memory. Only the sound of planes coming in to land on the nearby runway reminded them that they were still in the 20th century.
Despite her dragging tiredness and lingering sense of being completely out of sorts, Kathryn felt her spirits lift.
With his hands thrust into the pockets of his coat, Ed strode on beside her. She wondered how he had so much energy after so little sleep. When she asked him, he laughed and reminded her that he was used to it; the surge of energy then the sudden decline of a typical night out.
‘Well, not exactly typical,’ he added, with a wink.
They continued to walk as she blushed.
As the path began to curve to the right, he stopped and sat on a bench beneath an ancient-looking oak tree at the edge of a sea of snowdrops. Kathryn was a little disappointed to realise that this oasis wasn’t a secret; that other people sat here and enjoyed the peace. But, for now, it was theirs and she sat beside him, gazing at the spectacle before them.
He was leaning forward, his elbows on his knees, chin in hands. She had noticed him sitting like this often. It made him look deep in thought. Deciding to wait for him to speak first, she leant back against the tree, feeling the solidness of its trunk, which must have endured much over the centuries. As she heard the distant roar of another plane taking off, it struck her that this tree, and its neighbours, had escaped much too.
‘We came here when we were little,’ he said, staring ahead.
‘You and Paul?’
‘Yeah. I don’t really remember but he does. He says we’d be right here, me in the pushchair, him playing.’
Ed straightened up, picking at his finger nails distractedly.
‘She probably sat where you’re sitting now.’
They sat in silence, broken only by the sound of a blackbird high in the branches above them.
‘I don’t even know what she was like. Can’t picture her. The old man got rid of her photos so it’s like she never existed.’
He cleared his throat and she watched his hands, clenched into fists on his knees. She wanted to say something that might help, something that might make him feel less alone. But she knew better than to talk as if she knew how it felt to have a blank space where a parent should be.
She wanted to press his hand into hers but couldn’t bear it if he snatched it away. Last night’s version of herself wouldn’t think twice, she told herself. She’d do what felt natural, what felt right. Pull him tightly to her, press the sadness from him. For now anyway. But that sureness had retreated now and she’d walked back into herself as she always was, reserved and uncertain. And with the sense that her body had been wrung out, leaving it raw and exposed.
‘You never asked your dad?’ she asked.
‘You know when there’s things you can’t bring up?’ he said, a brittleness in his voice. ‘Like if you say it, there will be this big scene and you’ll regret opening your mouth? It’s like that with him. Everything’s okay as long as you’re going along with him. Just don’t veer off the script, you know.’
‘You think a lot of him though,’ she ventured. It had been clear from the first time they had spoken that he had a regard for his father that she now realised was wholly undeserved.
‘Well, yeah, he’s my old man, isn’t he?’
She couldn’t see the logic in this. From what she’d seen, Terry had scant regard for his son. Surely Ed had to have picked up on this over the years?
As he dug the toe of his trainer into the soft earth, he said, ‘Anyway, what choice do I have? He’s all I’ve got.’
She laid her hand over his fist and felt his hand relax then turn so his fingers could clasp hers tightly. He looked at her. When he had mentioned his mother before, he had affected indifference, but now she could see that the mask had slipped enough for her to see hurt, a lifetime of it.
‘Maybe there’s a way of tracking her down somehow? Is she still…’
He shrugged. ‘Dunno. If she is, she’s not come near us in twenty years. And if she’s dead… it’s like it’s a lose-lose, you know?’
‘I can see how you’d think that. But maybe there’s someone else who knew her. Surely, finding out more about her would be better than this?
‘Maybe.’
Silence descended.
‘You know what I did once?’ he looked at her as if considering whether to continue then shook his head. ‘Nah, forget I said anything.’
‘Go on.’
‘You’ll only laugh. Think I’m mad.’
‘I bet I won’t.’
He shrugged. ‘Okay, I went to someone once to find out if she was still alive.’
Kathryn looked mystified.
‘A few of us were down in Brighton for the weekend and the others were sleeping off the night before. So I went down to the pier and there was a woman there. I don’t know what you’d call her. A psychic? Fortune teller? Anyway, I went in for a reading and I asked her about my mother.’
‘And what did she say?’
‘Not much. Just that she couldn’t connect with her,’ he shrugged.
‘But that’s good news surely? It means your mum’s alive somewhere.’
‘Or the woman on the pier was a fake, more like,’ he snorted. ‘She told me other stuff that sounded mad, like apparently I’m really lucky because one day I’ll be able to put something right when most people don’t get the chance. I mean, that could mean anything. Complete waste of time. And of a fiver.’
‘Do you believe in that sort of thing?’ Kathryn asked. ‘You know, that we go somewhere when we die?’
‘Yeah, I think I do. Life would be pretty pointless otherwise, wouldn’t it? You know, when life’s shit, maybe it’s because we’re paying for something we’ve done in another life or something.’
‘Like karma, you mean?’
Silence descended once again.
‘I like it that you listen to me. I mean, really listen.’ The observation was unexpected.
‘Why wouldn’t I?’ What she didn’t say in that moment was that her happiest times were when she was listening to him, when she had a part to play but all eyes were not on her, when there was no expectation for her to shine. Shining wasn’t her way.
‘It’s rare, you know? Most people are only waiting for the other person to shut up so they can start talking again,’ he said, continuing to dig into the soil with his foot. ‘My other friends just want to talk about doing drugs, who they’re shagg– sorry, sleeping with and…’
‘So why do you bother with them?’
He paused as if considering the question.
‘They’re a laugh, I suppose. They’re mates, you know. We like doing the same things.’
She didn’t say anything.
He glanced across at her.
‘Yeah, doesn’t sound too convincing, I suppose. I mean I couldn’t go telling them about asking a psychic about my mother or anything like that. But I can tell you.’
‘You can. You know that.’
‘Enough about me though. How about you? You never say much about home. You know, your family, your mates.’
‘There’s not much to say about them. Mum stays at home, Dad works in an office, and I’ve got an older sister. Other than that, there’s just my best friend Elaine who I’ve known since I was little.’
‘I bet they’re all proud of you. Getting to university and that,’ he said.
She didn’t think her family was proud of her. Elaine maybe, but her parents had taken it for granted that their daughters would be the first in the family to go to university. After all, they had worked hard to send the girls to the town’s private school to give them the best possible start. And it wasn’t like Kathryn had got into Oxford like Beth. Kathryn didn’t know how to tell him that growing up under a looming pressure to succeed had left its mark on her. It would sound ridiculously privileged to someone whose mother had left and who had a father like Terry. But her parents had been so determined that their daughters should succeed in life, they had corralled them into a narrow world of school and home with the usual stuff of teenage lives decidedly off limits. School discos, hanging out with friends in the precinct; Kathryn knew better than to even suggest what her parents would view as a waste of time. Besides, both girls had their Saturdays filled – piano lessons for Beth, riding for Kathryn. Beth was a high flyer at school who thrived under the pressure, but Kathryn just felt as if her wings had been clipped.
‘What about your sister? You never say much about her. Are you alike?’
‘Not particularly. She’s the star of the family. Going places.’
He laughed. ‘The way you say it, she can’t go far enough. Is that it?’
And then she laughed too, knowing how obvious she made her feelings towards her older sister.
‘Sometimes I think life would have been different if she hadn’t been so talented. There wouldn’t be this standard that’s too high for me to reach all the time. You know, it’s not great to feel that you’re never quite good enough. Sometimes I hate her for it. Because there’s this shadow – her shadow – that I never seem to be able to escape.’
‘Not good enough? Bloody hell, how can you think that?’
She shrugged. ‘It’s just the way it is at home.’
‘Yeah, well, that’s not how it is up here. You’re a Derby winner in a house of selling platers.’
Kathryn laughed at the racing analogy, picturing her family running in a selling race, the lowest grade race on the card.
‘Anyway, you’re not likely to ever meet Beth.’
‘Why?’
She didn’t want to tell him that she feared her sister would captivate him as she did most men. Possessiveness and jealousy were not attractive traits. So, instead she said, ‘Because she’s in Boston.’
The look he gave her suggested that he had already picked up more about the relationship she had with her sister than she would have guessed.
‘We’ll leave her where she is then,’ he said, leaning across to kiss her.
When they were retracing their footsteps out of the wood and back into the industrial estate, Ed brought up what had happened last night.
They were picking their way around puddles on the track when he said, ‘You know you didn’t have to do what the rest of them were doing last night.’
‘I know,’ she said. ‘But I wanted to try it.’
‘It’s not all fun though,’ he said, stopping to rub the mud from the side of his trainer. ‘Sometimes, when you’re in it, it can be hard to get out of, you know? Fun at first, yeah, but then you can get to the point where you can’t go out without taking something and then you’re…’ he stopped, seeming to pick his words carefully, ‘in trouble.’
‘But you’re not in trouble, are you?’ she asked. ‘I mean, you hadn’t taken anything until…’ her voice trailed off.
‘Until you threw yourself at me and insisted?’ he laughed.
They were on the pavement now, outside the Dunlop factory.
She felt her cheeks glow as her mind wandered to the night before and then on to the early hours of the morning.
‘What’s up? You’ve gone all red,’ he said gently.
‘I suppose you think it’s a bit strange that last night was my first time,’ she said, unable to catch his eye.
‘Why would I?’ he asked. ‘You’ve waited until it was with someone who meant something. That’s something to be proud of, isn’t it?’
She smiled as they continued to walk.
‘I mean, I’m assuming it was with someone who meant something?’ he asked, a hint of laughter in his voice.
Putting her hand in his, she smiled.
‘Definitely.’
They walked on in silence for a while.
‘How about you?’
‘Huh?’ he asked, as if pulled from his thoughts.
‘Your first time. I mean, was it with someone who…?’
‘Who meant something?’
She nodded, suddenly wishing she hadn’t asked. What did she want him to say? That it meant nothing? Everything? Either way, she’d feel disappointed.
‘I don’t know,’ he said, shrugging. But his cheeks coloured as he stared at the ground. ‘Maybe I thought so at the time.’
As they walked around the corner into his street, they could see a car parked outside the house, its engine still running.
‘Shit. What’s he doing back?’ Ed muttered, quickening his stride.
Kathryn hurried to catch up, watching Terry straighten from where he had been leaning in through the passenger window, talking to the driver.
As the taxi drove away, he started to walk towards the front door.
‘Hey, Dad, you’re back already?’ Ed had broken into a jog to catch up with him.
His father stopped. ‘Nothing much doing in Blackpool. A couple of days with your nan’s enough for me. She asked after you both, said she hasn’t seen you in years.’
Ed nodded. ‘Yeah, we should get up to see her some time. All right is she?’
He was speaking louder than usual and Kathryn realised he was trying to keep his father talking rather than let him continue into the house.
