Proud of me, p.15
Proud of Me, page 15
We each brush our teeth and get ready for bed, not speaking, barely acknowledging each other’s presence. Auntie Jackie’s sleeping in Becky’s room, so Becky’s on a mattress on the floor in mine, where there’s more space. When I click the light off, I can hear her breathing, just like we’re kids again in our matching beds.
I thought I was too worked up to sleep, but as soon as my head lands on the pillow, I can feel my eyes closing. I’m starting to drift off when Becky whispers, “Josh? You awake?”
“Yeah. You?”
“Course I am. You really went looking for a brother?” she says quietly. Her voice sounds small, not like Becky at all. All the anger I felt towards her has gone. “You went looking for your brother, our brother, and you didn’t tell me?”
“I didn’t think you’d want to know. You always said it didn’t matter. So I thought I’d go and find out stuff by myself.” I pause and stare into the darkness, looking for the right words. It’s easier to say what I mean, knowing that she can’t see me. “Then I could surprise you, see. I thought when you knew there was a real person, not just some dream of mine, then you’d care. It was for you too, honestly. I was going to tell you.”
Becky’s silent, but I know she’s listening.
“I thought, perhaps you thought we weren’t enough, you and me, so you went looking for someone else.”
Suddenly, I realize she’s totally misunderstood everything. My words start tumbling over each other as I try to explain. “I wasn’t looking for a brother, I was looking for our donor and I couldn’t work out how to find him, but I saw Eli’s picture, and he looked so much like me that I thought we must be related. Honestly, I’ll show you. But anyway…I messed it up. I don’t know what I think any more. I told him I thought we were brothers and he didn’t believe me. He doesn’t want anything to do with me now.”
“Oh, Josh, I’m sorry.” She sounds like she really means it.
I swallow. “It’s okay for you. You’ve got me, and you’ve always got friends too – Archie, Carli, people who really get you. It’s not like having to hang out with guys like Jayden or Max. It’s so easy for you. I just thought maybe Eli would be…” I tail off.
“Well,” she sighs. “It’s not just you who’s messed things up. I’ve messed it all up with Carli too.”
“Oh,” I say eventually, everything slowly fitting into place. “You and Carli?”
“Me and Carli nothing. I wish there was.”
Another silence.
“So my sister’s a lesbian? Really?”
“Yeah, reckon so.” Becky’s voice is slow, sleepy.
“That’s cool. It’ll take a bit of getting used to though. Being even more outnumbered.”
“Ha, you’ll survive.”
Silence. Becky’s breathing gets slower. Just like when we were little, I don’t want her to go to sleep and leave me on my own.
“Becky?”
“Mmm…?”
“What are we going to do?”
“Right now? Nothing. Sleep.”
“Are we okay?”
“You and me? Yeah, we’re okay. Night.”
As my body finally relaxes into sleep, I know she’s right. For the first time in a long time, we’re okay again.
“Night.”
It’s warm and bright when I wake up, which means it’s late. For a moment, I’m not sure where I am. Josh is still asleep, arms flung back, the way he always sleeps, as if someone’s dropped him on the bed from a great height. I was too tired last night to take the glitter off my face, so I start picking chunks of it off now with my nails. Josh is going to have a go about the mess in his room, but I don’t care.
I sit up and everything about yesterday comes back in a rush – Josh disappearing, finding out that Neil could have been our dad, the party, telling people I’m gay for the first time, Josh’s wild idea that we have a brother out there somewhere. All the secrets tumbling out, one after another. It’s too much. I slump back down under the duvet.
When I wake up again, it’s even later. My mouth’s dry and I’m ravenous. Josh has gone, leaving the bed neatly made behind him. But as I reach out for my phone, I notice someone has left a cup of tea on the floor next to my pillow. Josh? Mum? Ima? Even though it’s barely lukewarm, I sip it gratefully and scroll through my messages, putting off the moment I need to go downstairs.
They are all from Archie, asking how it went with telling Mum and Ima. But the final one says:
Emergency meeting!! My house. 3. Can u & Josh come?!
I sigh – always such drama with Archie. But I am intrigued. What’s going on? I get up and shower, letting the hot water wake me up before I have to speak to anyone.
Downstairs looks good. Tidier than normal. Auntie Jackie must have done it. All the photos are in a neat pile on the kitchen table and empty bottles stacked tidily by the recycling bin. Mum’s at the sink, washing up glasses. Josh is eating a sandwich at the kitchen table. The radio’s on quietly and, even though no one’s talking, there’s a feeling like a conversation has just finished and the words are still hanging in the air.
“You shouldn’t have to wash up after your own party,” I say, grabbing a tea towel and starting to dry the glasses.
“Becky, you’re up,” Mum says, turning from the sink. “Jackie just left for the drive home, but we didn’t want to wake you. I hope that was the right thing to do.”
“Yeah, thanks.” I yawn. “I needed the sleep. Look, if I help with the washing-up now, can I go over to Archie’s later?”
“Sure. We’re almost done here anyway. Josh has sorted out the garden.” She nods over at him and Josh looks up at me sheepishly. Even though he’s trying to make up for it now, he knows how bad he should feel about abandoning me yesterday.
“Josh, you coming too?”
There’s a pause. No one says anything. I look from Josh to Mum and back again.
“Well…” says Mum.
“Come on, isn’t it enough that I’m banned from going online? Now I’m not allowed to see my friends either?” he says.
“Josh, you’re in no position to argue,” says Mum sternly.
“Oh, Mum, go on,” I plead. “Archie wants him to come over too.”
I can tell she’s weakening. Mum doesn’t like being angry. She likes everything to be smoothed over, and everyone to be comfortable and happy.
“Anyway,” says Josh glumly, “perhaps I should get out of Ima’s way.”
“All right then,” says Mum. “Go on, go.”
On the walk to Archie’s house, Josh is really quiet.
“What’s that about not going online?” I ask, as we turn out of our road.
“Ima’s taken my tablet. She’s keeping it for two weeks or till I show I can be trusted again.” I can imagine Ima’s voice saying those exact words. “I’m only allowed it to do homework. And I haven’t got my phone. That’s still in Manchester and I’ve got no idea how to get it back. It’s grim. I’m surprised all the shouting didn’t wake you up. Just before you came down, Ima went off to do some yoga to try and calm down.”
“Two weeks? That’s so unfair.” I try to sound outraged, but really I think Josh has got off lightly for what he did. “Maybe they’ll change their minds sooner.”
“Maybe,” he says gloomily. It’s clear he doesn’t want to talk about it any more. “So what’s this about with Archie?”
“Don’t know – ‘emergency meeting’, he said.”
“What does that even mean?” mutters Josh.
We walk on in silence for another few minutes. My mind is whirring.
“Look, I’ve been thinking,” I say finally. “If you still want to find our donor, well, I want to too. I want us to do it together. Properly.”
“Really?” Josh’s face lights up. “You think it’s a good idea?”
“Well, it’s not the worst idea you’ve ever had. And, well, something happened yesterday. I overheard something…”
I tell him about what Neil said, and his eyes get wider and wider.
“So he could even be someone we know? Wow. I hadn’t even thought of that.”
“I don’t know. I don’t think so. That wasn’t what it sounded like from Neil. I don’t think Mum and Ima asked anyone else after him. But it made me think. For the first time, the donor felt like a real person, not just someone in a story. I still don’t need him, I don’t feel like there’s anything missing. But, okay, maybe I do want to know who he is and if we’ve got brothers or sisters too. But no more secrets. We’ve got to get Mum and Ima on side first.”
“I can’t imagine getting Ima on side about anything right now,” he says as we reach Archie’s house. “She’s being so unfair.”
I ring the bell.
“Maybe if she does enough yoga, she’ll chill out and everything will be okay…” I press my fingers together, stand on one leg and start chanting “Om” in an attempt to make Josh smile.
Archie’s so quick to get to the door that I can still hear the doorbell playing a tune behind him. He looks at my yoga position, shakes his head and hustles us in quickly, like we’re secret agents on the run in a spy film.
“Mum’s out. The Little Horror’s upstairs. Come in.”
The living room’s already full of people I didn’t expect to see here. Kai is leaning back in Archie’s mum’s favourite chair, the one with the pop-up footrest, with Olivia perched on the arm. Alex and Carli are sitting awkwardly at either end of the huge leather sofa. Kris is sitting on the floor, leaning back against Alex’s legs. Carli’s face is all red and puffy, like she’s been crying, but she looks up and smiles as we come in. I want to hug her. The urge to reach out for her and make it all okay is so strong, like something inside me is pulling me towards her. But I don’t. Instead I look at Archie, confused. What’s going on?
Josh takes the armchair, so, rather than squash between Alex and Carli, I sit on the floor, leaning against the wall.
“It’s about the Pride group,” says Carli, all in a rush. “My parents read some of the messages on my phone and found out I was part of the group – and now they’ve said I can’t go any more.”
“They read your messages?” exclaims Kai. “That’s awful.”
Everyone’s staring at Carli now, waiting for her to go on.
“Yeah, but worse than that, I overheard them talking when they thought I’d gone to bed – they’re going to complain to the school. My mom’s going in later this week to meet Ms Bryant. She wants to get the group shut down. She says it’s immoral and corrupting and it shouldn’t be happening in school. What if they listen to her? Then I’ve spoiled everything for everyone. That’s the last thing I wanted, to make things worse. She doesn’t know I’ve come to meet you now. She thinks I’m studying with Olivia. I’m so sorry.”
As Carli talks, a cold feeling takes hold inside me. All the stuff she’d said before about her mum’s “traditional views” flashes back into my mind. But Carli always played it down, like it wasn’t really that serious. Now I know that someone can be as polite and friendly as Carli’s mum and still think horrible things, like that I’m immoral and corrupting just because I’m gay. She can believe that something about me is so awful that she wants her daughter to have nothing to do with people like me. It makes my stomach churn. I can tell Archie feels the same way. Kai and Olivia and Alex probably do too. She might not have been talking about us personally, but it still feels like we’re being judged.
“See,” says Archie, looking round at the serious faces in the room. “That’s why I thought we needed an emergency meeting.”
“First of all,” says Alex, “this isn’t your fault, Carli, okay? None of it.” Archie nods vigorously. “It sounds pretty rubbish for you at home right now, and no one here blames you. I mean, this shouldn’t be a huge surprise – that’s kind of why we need a Pride group, right, because not everyone thinks it’s okay to be LGBTQ. Of course some people aren’t going to like it.”
“But what if the school does get scared and decides to stop the group? They could, couldn’t they? And we’ve only just started. We’ve got so many ideas. What if that all gets trashed?” Archie’s voice is rising.
“I mean, my mom knows how to make a fuss,” breaks in Carli. “She might make out like she’s all calm and quiet, but she can be really determined. She knows how to say all the things that make teachers worried.” She fiddles with her bracelet, twisting it round her wrist one way and then the other.
Everyone goes quiet.
But I must be the quietest and palest out of them all. Because it’s my fault. I was the one who encouraged Carli to come to Pride group, who desperately wanted her to be there. If I hadn’t asked her, then she wouldn’t have come, then she wouldn’t be in trouble with her parents now and none of this would have happened. I feel awful for her. And for all of us, especially Archie. The group matters so much to him.
Alex finally breaks the silence, but even he doesn’t sound like he totally believes what he’s saying.
“Look, it will be okay. Ms Bryant’s got our backs. We’ve done all the right things. Loads of schools do this. The governors have approved it. And, come on, what harm are we doing? Really? We’re just a group of kids, talking, supporting each other, having a laugh and eating cake. It’s not like we’re, I don’t know, giving out condoms in the corridors…”
“Or plotting a queer takeover of the school,” chips in Kai.
“Or having a kiss-in outside the science blocks,” adds Archie.
“Or forcing everyone to drape themselves in rainbow flags,” continues Olivia.
“Or to listen to k.d. lang,” I say.
“What’s k.d. lang?” asks Kai.
“She’s this lesbian singer from ages ago,” explains Josh. “Our mums have all her albums. I reckon you’d like her.”
“I suppose you’re right,” says Carli quietly. “But, oh, I don’t know. Perhaps I should just stop coming to the group. It’s not even for me – I’m not LGBTQ. I just wanted to hang out with you guys, show some support, y’know. You’re my friends. But it’s all backfired. I made it worse. If I just left it would be easier for you. Maybe my parents would lay off.”
“No!”
It comes out louder than I mean it to and everyone turns to look at me. “Why should you? You’re part of the group, just as much as anyone else. Anyway, it’s got to work so that people can come no matter what their parents say, otherwise what’s the point of having the group at all? We can’t just give up.”
Carli meets my eyes and smiles at me gratefully. No matter how much I try to pretend it doesn’t, that smile still makes my stomach flutter. I’m concentrating on trying to stop blushing when Josh starts talking.
“I get it, Carli. I’m not LGBTQ either, but it’s different for me. There’s loads of times I wish I could walk away, that I didn’t have gay parents, and that I had a mum and a dad like you’re supposed to.” He looks up at me. “I know, Becks, I’m not, like, proud of thinking that, but it’s true.”
“What?” I ask. “I didn’t say anything.”
But that’s the thing with Josh, it doesn’t matter what I say or don’t say, he knows what I’m thinking anyway.
“It would be so much easier not to have to watch people to see how they are going to react, not to explain stuff and answer stupid questions all the time. It’s so boring – but I can’t walk away. And I don’t want to, not really, not from anyone in my family.” He looks over at me again. “But, Carli, you can just go, and maybe you will. But I hope you stick around, cos that’s the best thing you could do.”
“But what are we going to do?” asks Archie, looking back at Alex with wide eyes. Yuck, I hope I never look quite as dopey about Carli or anyone.
“I’ll go and see Ms Bryant,” Alex says. “I’ll talk to her about the group and how important it is. Even if Carli’s parents complain, that’s only one family. She’s got to listen to us too.”
“It’s not just up to her though, is it?” I say. “She’s not going to want to get into trouble either. It’s not enough to tell her. It can’t just be us. We need to show the governors and everyone that the whole school supports us. I wonder…”
An idea’s starting to take shape in my mind, like a photograph gradually coming into focus. Something we can do that involves everyone. Something visual. Something that no one can miss.
“What, Becks?” asks Archie. Everyone’s turned away from Alex now and is looking at me.
So I start to explain my idea.
We spend the rest of Sunday afternoon at Archie’s. It’s far better than being at home. Once we finish planning, Kai googles k.d. lang, and before long we’re watching YouTube clips of the nineties, singing along and laughing at the clothes and hairstyles.
Then I spot Carli checking the football scores on her phone, and we get Archie to put the TV on for the match. Archie raids his mum’s snack cupboard and soon we’re all eating crisps, drinking Coke and shouting at the TV. When Archie’s little brother Mark sticks his head round the door to see what’s going on, Archie doesn’t tell him to go away like he usually does. Mark’s delighted that he’s allowed to join in.
Carli and Becky still aren’t really talking, but they keep looking over at each other and then looking away again. It’s strange to think about Becky fancying Carli. It takes a whole load of readjusting in my head. But instead of making things more confusing like I thought it would, it all makes much more sense.
I hope they’re going to be friends again – it turns out happy, overexcited, loud Becky is better than miserable, cross, silent Becky. I know which one I’d rather be living with.
I have such a good time at Archie’s that it’s not till we’re walking home that I remember about Eli and the donor and the mess I’m in. The one good thing is that it’s not a secret any more – Becky’s going to help – but I don’t see how much the two of us can really find out, even together.
I’m still in a daze by the time I get into school on Monday morning. I’m trying to put things in order in my mind, but it feels like there’s too much to think about all at once.
