All in iggys story, p.12
All In: Iggy's Story, page 12
* * *
IGGY
I look through the peep hole and see an unfamiliar man. “Who is it?” I ask, through the door.
“Um…I’m… I think I’m lost. I was hoping you would be so kind as to give me directions.”
I tuck the gun in the waistband of my jeans and open the door slowly. He’s overweight, bald, and in his sixties. Harmless. But one can never be too careful.
“I’m sorry. I’ve gone to every house in the neighborhood and no one’s home. My phone ran out of battery and I don’t have GPS in my car.”
I step out, forcing him to take a wide step backwards. He’s sweaty and seems nervous. I cross my arms over my chest. “What do you need?”
“I’m looking for a…a…thirty-two Jefferson Lane.” He looks around and over my shoulder.
“Everything okay?” I snap.
His eyes return to mine immediately. “Yeah, fine. Everything’s fine. So, uh, do you know that address?”
“Which one?”
“Thirty-two Jefferson Road.”
“I thought you said ‘lane’?”
“Yeah, ‘lane.’ Sorry. Thirty-two Jefferson Lane. You know what, don’t worry about it. I’ll find a gas station or something and ask for help.” He turns and all but runs to his car.
The whole thing is very odd. I take a few steps toward his car. He’s practically shaking as he tries to unlock the door. “It’s two streets down, that way,” I point.
He looks up and then towards the direction I’m pointing. “Okay. Great. Thank you for the help.”
“You sure that’s all you need, sir?”
“Yes. That is all.” He finally opens the door and gets inside. “Thanks again.” He tries to close the door, but I quickly block it with my body.
“What’s your name?”
“My name? I’m sorry, I just needed directions. I need to go now.”
“Your name,” I say calmly, but in a tone that expresses how damn serious I am about getting answers. Meanwhile, he’s the opposite of calm.
“Norris McDonald.”
“Two streets down. Get that phone charged.” I step aside and close the door to his car. Then I wait for him to pull out so I can get a look at the plates. I jog back in and immediately place a call to ICS with the information.
“Everything okay?” Abby asks from the top of the steps.
“You were supposed to stay put.”
“Sorry.” She doesn’t sound the least bit sorry. “I saw him leaving from the upstairs window. So, everything okay?”
“Some guy asking for directions. It was strange. And he was nervous as fuck. I got his plates and called it in.”
“You’re a scary dude, Iggy. You probably intimidated him.”
“Maybe.” But there was something off about the encounter. I’ll have to wait until they run the tag for the guy.
* * *
ABBY
I just had the best sex of my entire life. Bar none.
There’s this little secret part of me—the one that likes to be held down, fucked, and told what to do—that I’ve never told anyone about it. Not Aiden and not Iggy. But Iggy was always able to read me like a book, and he just knows what I like. It feels good to let go and just focus on the pleasure. All he did was hold me down for the briefest of moments while he went down on me, but that alone would have made me come even if his tongue hadn’t been where it was. That strong, masculine grip on my thighs, the relentless sucking and teasing, being unable to push him away or stop him, that all gets me off in a big way. I know he would’ve stopped if I needed him to, but I didn’t want him to. I want more, and I wonder how much more he’ll give me.
We’ve been lying lazily in bed for the last hour, but since the guy came to the door, Iggy seems distracted, checking his phone every few minutes.
“Tell me, already.” I finally say.
He looks up from his phone. “Tell you what?”
“What’s going on. Something’s bothering you.”
He tosses the phone aside and shifts his body. “It’s probably nothing but that guy was off. I can’t put my finger on it. I don’t think it was because I scared him. I think he was looking for something.”
“Yeah he was. An address.”
“No. I think he didn’t expect it to be me who opened the door. I just…I don’t know. Hopefully I’m just being paranoid.”
Whatever I was about to say is forgotten when my stomach rumbles loudly. “You hungry?” he asks.
“Maybe a little. You gave me quite the workout.”
“Why don’t you get dressed and let me take you out somewhere and then we’ll go get the kids after. I need to get out of here or I’ll spend the rest of the day checking my phone.”
“Sounds like a plan. Give me a few minutes to get ready.”
As I dress, I wonder what’s going to happen now. I don’t want the kids to know about Iggy and me—if there is an Iggy and me. They’ve already lost their dad, and I wouldn’t want them to lose anyone else. But at the same time, I don’t think I want it to end with Iggy yet.
When I come out of the bathroom, he’s pacing around my room on his phone. “Yeah…okay. Keep me posted. There’s something not right about it. Thanks, Joey. Owe you one.”
“What’s up?”
“The tag is clean and the name matches the guy.”
“Maybe it’s exactly what it was. A lost man looking for an address.”
“Yeah. Maybe,” he says, stuffing his phone into his pocket. “You ready to go? I was thinking of Grillers for lunch. That okay with you?”
“Yeah. Let’s go.”
We walk hand in hand out of the house and into the Jeep. It feels nice to be together like this.
“I have to call Claire to let her know I took the day off and that I’m getting the kids, so she doesn’t do it,” I tell him as I dial her number. “Hi, Sis.”
“Hey, Abby. Everything okay?” she asks, worry in her voice. I never call her in the middle of the day.
“Yes, everything’s fine. I took the day off and just wanted to give you the heads up that I can pick up the kids today.”
“You took the day off? Really? Why? Are you okay?” asks my sister, who is more like a mom than a sister most of the time.
“Yes. I just thought I could use a day off.”
“It didn't take long for you to sleep with Iggy. Tim said a month, I said a week days. We both lost the bet.”
I inconspicuously try to turn down the volume of my phone so Iggy can’t hear. “You took bets. That’s messed up.”
“I thought it would take you longer to forgive him.”
“I can’t talk now. We’ll talk later. I’ll get the kids. Bye.” I hang up abruptly.
I haven’t forgiven him. But he’s sitting right next to me, and I don’t want to have this conversation with Claire right now.
“So, am I forgiven?”
Sonofabitch. He heard it all. “No. Not even close.” It’s the truth.
“I know, baby. I get it.” Then he glances over at me and grins wickedly. “But we can still have sex, right?”
“We shouldn’t. You’re still the asshole that hurt me. But yes, we’ll probably still have sex. But the kids can’t know.”
“I wasn’t planning on tell your kids that I’m having sex with their mom.”
I swat him playfully. “That’s not what I meant. I don’t want the kids to know we’re like…together. Or whatever.” What are we doing? Sleeping together? Dating? I have no idea what to label this. If I can’t label it, then the kids really can’t know about it.
“All right. The kids can’t know about our whatever. Got it.” He smirks. “As long as I can secretly fuck their mom, I’m good with that.”
I roll my eyes and try to hold in a grin as we pull into Grillers. The warm Florida breeze, the sound of the seagulls above, and the smell of salt in the air immediately sets me at ease, and I have the most relaxing and delicious lunch I’ve had in a long time.
I’m so glad I took the day off.
12
IGGY
“This is so good. Oscar loves the fried shrimp here,” she says.
“We gotta bring ‘em, then.”
She takes a gulp of her Diet Coke and looks up at me. “I don’t think I’ve told you, but you’re really good with my kids. Thanks for that.”
“It’s not hard. They’re great kids.”
“I like ‘em,” she says with a cute smile. “How come you never had kids? You really wanted kids. I remember.”
“One day we’re going to have a house full of laughing kids,” Abby declares, as we lay on the beach, looking up at the moon.
“Three boys and one girl,” I tell her, thinking of how I’d be as a dad. I’d never abandon my kids like my parents did to me. I’d spoil them rotten.
“Two girls and two boys,” she corrects.
“I don’t think I could handle a house of three females.” Three little Abigail Williams’s. My heart would implode. I couldn’t do it.
She sighs playfully. “Fine. Three boys and one girl, it is.”
Fuck. The memory comes crashing down on me, and I have to put down my drink. I inhale the ocean air deeply.
“Iggy? You okay?” she asks.
I clear my throat. “Yep. Fine.” But I’m not fine. This is the moment to tell her the truth. If I ever want to really start something with her again, I can’t have the past hanging over us. She needs to know the real reason I left. But things are great right this second, and I don’t want to ruin it.
“It’s been a while, but I know you and that face is the opposite of fine.”
“I think we need to talk. I know you don’t want to but I think I have to.”
She wipes her mouth, then puts the cloth napkin down. “I want to pretend we don’t. I know it’s going to mess up a great day.”
“Maybe. But we can’t ever move past it if I don’t tell you the truth. If I don’t tell you why I left.”
“You did,” she says, looking down at her empty plate. “You were very clear.” She looks up, and the pain on her face replaces the relaxed contentment of moments ago. “‘Dear Abby. I’m sorry I’m leaving without saying goodbye, but I thought it would be easier this way. We’re both young and have our entire lives ahead of us. It’s been fun, and I’ll always remember our times together. But please don’t wait for me. I don’t want to hurt you, and I think it’s best if we just have a clean break. Forever your friend, Iggy.’”
I run my hands through my hair, then down my face. Jesus, I said that? I flinch at the words. What an asshole. I forgot exactly what I’d written. I knew it was ridiculous, but I didn’t remember how stupid it was.
“Just tell me something,” she says. “And please be honest. I deserve honesty. Was it another girl? Did you have another girl you wanted to be with and were just trying to be nice, or were you really that scared of admitting you were in love with me and thought it would be best to do this stupid thing instead. I know you didn’t really think of me as just a friend. I know that was a lie.”
“Abby…”
She puts her hand over her mouth as if she’s physically trying to suppress her emotions. “I-I-I can’t e-even start this co-co-conversation without getting ups-s-set.”
I signal for the check. We need to get out of here.
She starts to take out her wallet, but I put my hand on hers to stop her. She pulls it away, and that is like a punch in the gut. This conversation is toxic. We are toxic to each other. At least until it’s all out. Otherwise, it’ll just always hang in the back of our heads like a fucking cancer.
“How can you think there was someone else? I’d never do that to you.”
“I also never thought you’d walk out on me like that. What the hell else was I supposed to think? You’re not stupid enough to think I’d believe we were just friends, right? I mean, Jesus, Iggy, we had sex everywhere, all the time. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other,” she whispers. “We talked about the future. We were saving to move in together. I thought we were going to get married. I was so fucking stupid.” Her eyes are full of tears, and she is spitting the words at me in a whisper that feels like actual bullets hitting me with each and every word.
I drop cash on the table when the bill arrives and get up. I hold my hand out to her, but she ignores it and pushes out her chair and stands. People actually look our way when the loud way that the metal scratches on the floor, but she’s beyond caring. She moves around me and towards the parking lot, but I jog past her to block her path. “Please, Abby. Please. We need to talk this out. If we’re going to try to make a go of it, we need to have no secrets between us.”
“Go at it? It’s just sex. There’s no go of it.”
I take her hand in mine and pull her to the pier. She hesitantly follows but pulls her hand away from me.
“You and I, just sex? Abby, who are you kidding?”
She is so damn stubborn that she doesn’t say a word. Thankfully the pier is empty, and we sit on a wooden bench overlooking the ocean.
“Why are you so insistent on ripping open old wounds?”
“Because I want to explain myself. I don’t want you to go on thinking that there was another person between us. Of all the things…I never thought that’s what you thought had happened. We need to clear the air. Let’s get this bullshit out of the way and move on.”
She whips her head toward me. “Bullshit? Bullshit? You want to get that out of the way like it’s just some nuisance that’s bothering you? You…you…you’re such a selfish dickhead!” she spits out.
“Abby, babe, stop.”
“No. Don’t tell me to stop. You waltz back into my life with a ‘hey’ and now you want to hash things out so you can get back to work or get back to getting your dick wet. We shouldn’t have slept together. It was a mistake.”
“I know!” I say, rubbing my face frustratedly, with my palm. “I know that! I told you that. I knew you would regret it. Fuck!”
* * *
ABBY
He takes my hand, which is flying around as I talk, and sifts his fingers between mine. It’s so damn familiar, holding his hand, that it makes me angrier. Or maybe it’s sadness. I don’t even know what I feel! It was so much easier pretending things were okay. Now the pain is too great.
Thank God the pier is empty, since I’m being quite loud.
“No, that’s not what I meant.” He sighs loudly.
I take a deep breath and start over, my voice lower and my heart beating faster. “What the hell did you mean, Iggy?” I can feel a tingle in my nose, but I refuse to cry. “I thought you loved me. Even if you never said the words, I thought you loved me.”
“We were young—”
That stings. “We were young? What kind of stupid answer is that? What we had wasn’t like that. How could you say that?”
I hold my breath because if he tells me he didn’t feel the same way I may melt right here, right now. I didn’t imagine five and a half years of my life. I know there was love there. I know it. I feel a tear slide down, and I swipe at it. “Why did you leave me?”
“If I told you back then that I loved you, what would you have said?”
“Nothing because I already knew you did.”
“How? I didn’t even understand it myself.”
“Because you had a screwed up past and people hurt you. But I knew it even if you never said it.”
“If I had told you that I was in love with you, Abby, what would have happened?” he repeats, his words full of emotion now. Almost angrily. “Tell me.” God, those dark eyes are so beautiful, so full of intensity, yet also so soft and loving when they were directed at me. Even now, I can see it.
I shrug. “I don’t know. We would have been together still, I suppose.”
“You suppose we would have been together?” He stands up and paces in front of me. “Jesus, Abby. We would have most definitely been together, Abby!”
I’m so confused. He is agreeing with me? “So, what’s so bad about that? I don’t understand. What are you saying? You didn’t want to be with me? You wouldn’t have wanted to get married and have kids with me? You thought you were too young? You wanted to screw a bunch of girls, see the world…?”
“Fuck, Abby. No, I didn’t want to screw a bunch of girls, it’s not because of that.” He rubs his face with the palm of his hand, frustrated. “You love kids. You always said you wanted kids. You are a goddamn teacher, for heaven’s sake. On Career Day all the kids used to talk about being doctors, lawyers, archeologists. But you said mother. People laughed at you but you didn’t give a shit. That was what you always wanted. Three boys and a girl, that was the plan.”
“Yeah and so what!” I yell. What am I missing? What is he talking about?
“And aren’t you happy you have them?”
“Kids? Are you asking if I’m happy that I had kids?” I furrow my brows, confused as hell. When he doesn’t answer, I continue, “My kids are the greatest joys of my life. I love them more than anything. What the hell does this have to do with anything, Iggy? You’re not making any sense. You always wanted kids too. We talked about it.”
He’s still pacing around, and I want to follow him, grab him, and shake him, but I give him time to say whatever it is that he needs to say. Obviously, it’s a big issue since he can’t just spit it out, it seems.
Finally, he turns around, his hands on his head, as if he’s tormented. “I’m not able to have children. I found out during the physical for the army. I wouldn’t have been able to have kids with you.”
Oh…
I didn’t see that coming. In all the times I replayed those final days with Iggy and thought of all the things I could have possibly done for him to leave me…that was not even in the realm of possibilities. “You can’t have kids? You left me because you can’t have kids?”
“You make it seem as if that was a silly whim. As if not having kids isn’t a life-altering decision.
I don’t speak for a while, needing to let this sink in.
IGGY
I look through the peep hole and see an unfamiliar man. “Who is it?” I ask, through the door.
“Um…I’m… I think I’m lost. I was hoping you would be so kind as to give me directions.”
I tuck the gun in the waistband of my jeans and open the door slowly. He’s overweight, bald, and in his sixties. Harmless. But one can never be too careful.
“I’m sorry. I’ve gone to every house in the neighborhood and no one’s home. My phone ran out of battery and I don’t have GPS in my car.”
I step out, forcing him to take a wide step backwards. He’s sweaty and seems nervous. I cross my arms over my chest. “What do you need?”
“I’m looking for a…a…thirty-two Jefferson Lane.” He looks around and over my shoulder.
“Everything okay?” I snap.
His eyes return to mine immediately. “Yeah, fine. Everything’s fine. So, uh, do you know that address?”
“Which one?”
“Thirty-two Jefferson Road.”
“I thought you said ‘lane’?”
“Yeah, ‘lane.’ Sorry. Thirty-two Jefferson Lane. You know what, don’t worry about it. I’ll find a gas station or something and ask for help.” He turns and all but runs to his car.
The whole thing is very odd. I take a few steps toward his car. He’s practically shaking as he tries to unlock the door. “It’s two streets down, that way,” I point.
He looks up and then towards the direction I’m pointing. “Okay. Great. Thank you for the help.”
“You sure that’s all you need, sir?”
“Yes. That is all.” He finally opens the door and gets inside. “Thanks again.” He tries to close the door, but I quickly block it with my body.
“What’s your name?”
“My name? I’m sorry, I just needed directions. I need to go now.”
“Your name,” I say calmly, but in a tone that expresses how damn serious I am about getting answers. Meanwhile, he’s the opposite of calm.
“Norris McDonald.”
“Two streets down. Get that phone charged.” I step aside and close the door to his car. Then I wait for him to pull out so I can get a look at the plates. I jog back in and immediately place a call to ICS with the information.
“Everything okay?” Abby asks from the top of the steps.
“You were supposed to stay put.”
“Sorry.” She doesn’t sound the least bit sorry. “I saw him leaving from the upstairs window. So, everything okay?”
“Some guy asking for directions. It was strange. And he was nervous as fuck. I got his plates and called it in.”
“You’re a scary dude, Iggy. You probably intimidated him.”
“Maybe.” But there was something off about the encounter. I’ll have to wait until they run the tag for the guy.
* * *
ABBY
I just had the best sex of my entire life. Bar none.
There’s this little secret part of me—the one that likes to be held down, fucked, and told what to do—that I’ve never told anyone about it. Not Aiden and not Iggy. But Iggy was always able to read me like a book, and he just knows what I like. It feels good to let go and just focus on the pleasure. All he did was hold me down for the briefest of moments while he went down on me, but that alone would have made me come even if his tongue hadn’t been where it was. That strong, masculine grip on my thighs, the relentless sucking and teasing, being unable to push him away or stop him, that all gets me off in a big way. I know he would’ve stopped if I needed him to, but I didn’t want him to. I want more, and I wonder how much more he’ll give me.
We’ve been lying lazily in bed for the last hour, but since the guy came to the door, Iggy seems distracted, checking his phone every few minutes.
“Tell me, already.” I finally say.
He looks up from his phone. “Tell you what?”
“What’s going on. Something’s bothering you.”
He tosses the phone aside and shifts his body. “It’s probably nothing but that guy was off. I can’t put my finger on it. I don’t think it was because I scared him. I think he was looking for something.”
“Yeah he was. An address.”
“No. I think he didn’t expect it to be me who opened the door. I just…I don’t know. Hopefully I’m just being paranoid.”
Whatever I was about to say is forgotten when my stomach rumbles loudly. “You hungry?” he asks.
“Maybe a little. You gave me quite the workout.”
“Why don’t you get dressed and let me take you out somewhere and then we’ll go get the kids after. I need to get out of here or I’ll spend the rest of the day checking my phone.”
“Sounds like a plan. Give me a few minutes to get ready.”
As I dress, I wonder what’s going to happen now. I don’t want the kids to know about Iggy and me—if there is an Iggy and me. They’ve already lost their dad, and I wouldn’t want them to lose anyone else. But at the same time, I don’t think I want it to end with Iggy yet.
When I come out of the bathroom, he’s pacing around my room on his phone. “Yeah…okay. Keep me posted. There’s something not right about it. Thanks, Joey. Owe you one.”
“What’s up?”
“The tag is clean and the name matches the guy.”
“Maybe it’s exactly what it was. A lost man looking for an address.”
“Yeah. Maybe,” he says, stuffing his phone into his pocket. “You ready to go? I was thinking of Grillers for lunch. That okay with you?”
“Yeah. Let’s go.”
We walk hand in hand out of the house and into the Jeep. It feels nice to be together like this.
“I have to call Claire to let her know I took the day off and that I’m getting the kids, so she doesn’t do it,” I tell him as I dial her number. “Hi, Sis.”
“Hey, Abby. Everything okay?” she asks, worry in her voice. I never call her in the middle of the day.
“Yes, everything’s fine. I took the day off and just wanted to give you the heads up that I can pick up the kids today.”
“You took the day off? Really? Why? Are you okay?” asks my sister, who is more like a mom than a sister most of the time.
“Yes. I just thought I could use a day off.”
“It didn't take long for you to sleep with Iggy. Tim said a month, I said a week days. We both lost the bet.”
I inconspicuously try to turn down the volume of my phone so Iggy can’t hear. “You took bets. That’s messed up.”
“I thought it would take you longer to forgive him.”
“I can’t talk now. We’ll talk later. I’ll get the kids. Bye.” I hang up abruptly.
I haven’t forgiven him. But he’s sitting right next to me, and I don’t want to have this conversation with Claire right now.
“So, am I forgiven?”
Sonofabitch. He heard it all. “No. Not even close.” It’s the truth.
“I know, baby. I get it.” Then he glances over at me and grins wickedly. “But we can still have sex, right?”
“We shouldn’t. You’re still the asshole that hurt me. But yes, we’ll probably still have sex. But the kids can’t know.”
“I wasn’t planning on tell your kids that I’m having sex with their mom.”
I swat him playfully. “That’s not what I meant. I don’t want the kids to know we’re like…together. Or whatever.” What are we doing? Sleeping together? Dating? I have no idea what to label this. If I can’t label it, then the kids really can’t know about it.
“All right. The kids can’t know about our whatever. Got it.” He smirks. “As long as I can secretly fuck their mom, I’m good with that.”
I roll my eyes and try to hold in a grin as we pull into Grillers. The warm Florida breeze, the sound of the seagulls above, and the smell of salt in the air immediately sets me at ease, and I have the most relaxing and delicious lunch I’ve had in a long time.
I’m so glad I took the day off.
12
IGGY
“This is so good. Oscar loves the fried shrimp here,” she says.
“We gotta bring ‘em, then.”
She takes a gulp of her Diet Coke and looks up at me. “I don’t think I’ve told you, but you’re really good with my kids. Thanks for that.”
“It’s not hard. They’re great kids.”
“I like ‘em,” she says with a cute smile. “How come you never had kids? You really wanted kids. I remember.”
“One day we’re going to have a house full of laughing kids,” Abby declares, as we lay on the beach, looking up at the moon.
“Three boys and one girl,” I tell her, thinking of how I’d be as a dad. I’d never abandon my kids like my parents did to me. I’d spoil them rotten.
“Two girls and two boys,” she corrects.
“I don’t think I could handle a house of three females.” Three little Abigail Williams’s. My heart would implode. I couldn’t do it.
She sighs playfully. “Fine. Three boys and one girl, it is.”
Fuck. The memory comes crashing down on me, and I have to put down my drink. I inhale the ocean air deeply.
“Iggy? You okay?” she asks.
I clear my throat. “Yep. Fine.” But I’m not fine. This is the moment to tell her the truth. If I ever want to really start something with her again, I can’t have the past hanging over us. She needs to know the real reason I left. But things are great right this second, and I don’t want to ruin it.
“It’s been a while, but I know you and that face is the opposite of fine.”
“I think we need to talk. I know you don’t want to but I think I have to.”
She wipes her mouth, then puts the cloth napkin down. “I want to pretend we don’t. I know it’s going to mess up a great day.”
“Maybe. But we can’t ever move past it if I don’t tell you the truth. If I don’t tell you why I left.”
“You did,” she says, looking down at her empty plate. “You were very clear.” She looks up, and the pain on her face replaces the relaxed contentment of moments ago. “‘Dear Abby. I’m sorry I’m leaving without saying goodbye, but I thought it would be easier this way. We’re both young and have our entire lives ahead of us. It’s been fun, and I’ll always remember our times together. But please don’t wait for me. I don’t want to hurt you, and I think it’s best if we just have a clean break. Forever your friend, Iggy.’”
I run my hands through my hair, then down my face. Jesus, I said that? I flinch at the words. What an asshole. I forgot exactly what I’d written. I knew it was ridiculous, but I didn’t remember how stupid it was.
“Just tell me something,” she says. “And please be honest. I deserve honesty. Was it another girl? Did you have another girl you wanted to be with and were just trying to be nice, or were you really that scared of admitting you were in love with me and thought it would be best to do this stupid thing instead. I know you didn’t really think of me as just a friend. I know that was a lie.”
“Abby…”
She puts her hand over her mouth as if she’s physically trying to suppress her emotions. “I-I-I can’t e-even start this co-co-conversation without getting ups-s-set.”
I signal for the check. We need to get out of here.
She starts to take out her wallet, but I put my hand on hers to stop her. She pulls it away, and that is like a punch in the gut. This conversation is toxic. We are toxic to each other. At least until it’s all out. Otherwise, it’ll just always hang in the back of our heads like a fucking cancer.
“How can you think there was someone else? I’d never do that to you.”
“I also never thought you’d walk out on me like that. What the hell else was I supposed to think? You’re not stupid enough to think I’d believe we were just friends, right? I mean, Jesus, Iggy, we had sex everywhere, all the time. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other,” she whispers. “We talked about the future. We were saving to move in together. I thought we were going to get married. I was so fucking stupid.” Her eyes are full of tears, and she is spitting the words at me in a whisper that feels like actual bullets hitting me with each and every word.
I drop cash on the table when the bill arrives and get up. I hold my hand out to her, but she ignores it and pushes out her chair and stands. People actually look our way when the loud way that the metal scratches on the floor, but she’s beyond caring. She moves around me and towards the parking lot, but I jog past her to block her path. “Please, Abby. Please. We need to talk this out. If we’re going to try to make a go of it, we need to have no secrets between us.”
“Go at it? It’s just sex. There’s no go of it.”
I take her hand in mine and pull her to the pier. She hesitantly follows but pulls her hand away from me.
“You and I, just sex? Abby, who are you kidding?”
She is so damn stubborn that she doesn’t say a word. Thankfully the pier is empty, and we sit on a wooden bench overlooking the ocean.
“Why are you so insistent on ripping open old wounds?”
“Because I want to explain myself. I don’t want you to go on thinking that there was another person between us. Of all the things…I never thought that’s what you thought had happened. We need to clear the air. Let’s get this bullshit out of the way and move on.”
She whips her head toward me. “Bullshit? Bullshit? You want to get that out of the way like it’s just some nuisance that’s bothering you? You…you…you’re such a selfish dickhead!” she spits out.
“Abby, babe, stop.”
“No. Don’t tell me to stop. You waltz back into my life with a ‘hey’ and now you want to hash things out so you can get back to work or get back to getting your dick wet. We shouldn’t have slept together. It was a mistake.”
“I know!” I say, rubbing my face frustratedly, with my palm. “I know that! I told you that. I knew you would regret it. Fuck!”
* * *
ABBY
He takes my hand, which is flying around as I talk, and sifts his fingers between mine. It’s so damn familiar, holding his hand, that it makes me angrier. Or maybe it’s sadness. I don’t even know what I feel! It was so much easier pretending things were okay. Now the pain is too great.
Thank God the pier is empty, since I’m being quite loud.
“No, that’s not what I meant.” He sighs loudly.
I take a deep breath and start over, my voice lower and my heart beating faster. “What the hell did you mean, Iggy?” I can feel a tingle in my nose, but I refuse to cry. “I thought you loved me. Even if you never said the words, I thought you loved me.”
“We were young—”
That stings. “We were young? What kind of stupid answer is that? What we had wasn’t like that. How could you say that?”
I hold my breath because if he tells me he didn’t feel the same way I may melt right here, right now. I didn’t imagine five and a half years of my life. I know there was love there. I know it. I feel a tear slide down, and I swipe at it. “Why did you leave me?”
“If I told you back then that I loved you, what would you have said?”
“Nothing because I already knew you did.”
“How? I didn’t even understand it myself.”
“Because you had a screwed up past and people hurt you. But I knew it even if you never said it.”
“If I had told you that I was in love with you, Abby, what would have happened?” he repeats, his words full of emotion now. Almost angrily. “Tell me.” God, those dark eyes are so beautiful, so full of intensity, yet also so soft and loving when they were directed at me. Even now, I can see it.
I shrug. “I don’t know. We would have been together still, I suppose.”
“You suppose we would have been together?” He stands up and paces in front of me. “Jesus, Abby. We would have most definitely been together, Abby!”
I’m so confused. He is agreeing with me? “So, what’s so bad about that? I don’t understand. What are you saying? You didn’t want to be with me? You wouldn’t have wanted to get married and have kids with me? You thought you were too young? You wanted to screw a bunch of girls, see the world…?”
“Fuck, Abby. No, I didn’t want to screw a bunch of girls, it’s not because of that.” He rubs his face with the palm of his hand, frustrated. “You love kids. You always said you wanted kids. You are a goddamn teacher, for heaven’s sake. On Career Day all the kids used to talk about being doctors, lawyers, archeologists. But you said mother. People laughed at you but you didn’t give a shit. That was what you always wanted. Three boys and a girl, that was the plan.”
“Yeah and so what!” I yell. What am I missing? What is he talking about?
“And aren’t you happy you have them?”
“Kids? Are you asking if I’m happy that I had kids?” I furrow my brows, confused as hell. When he doesn’t answer, I continue, “My kids are the greatest joys of my life. I love them more than anything. What the hell does this have to do with anything, Iggy? You’re not making any sense. You always wanted kids too. We talked about it.”
He’s still pacing around, and I want to follow him, grab him, and shake him, but I give him time to say whatever it is that he needs to say. Obviously, it’s a big issue since he can’t just spit it out, it seems.
Finally, he turns around, his hands on his head, as if he’s tormented. “I’m not able to have children. I found out during the physical for the army. I wouldn’t have been able to have kids with you.”
Oh…
I didn’t see that coming. In all the times I replayed those final days with Iggy and thought of all the things I could have possibly done for him to leave me…that was not even in the realm of possibilities. “You can’t have kids? You left me because you can’t have kids?”
“You make it seem as if that was a silly whim. As if not having kids isn’t a life-altering decision.
I don’t speak for a while, needing to let this sink in.
