Securing avery, p.21
Securing Avery, page 21
“You were?” she asked softly.
Rex nodded, then put his hand on her head and guided it back to his shoulder. She resisted for a second before relaxing under him. He scooted down on the bed, shifting Avery so she was lying next to him, rather than sitting on his lap. It was relative, because half her body was on top of him. Her arm snaked around his belly and she clung as if she never wanted to let him go, which was fine with him.
Rex stared up at her popcorn ceiling and prepared to tell her something he hadn’t told anyone else, including the psychologist and his teammates.
“Ace and I had been injured in a firefight. I took a bullet to my thigh, and Ace had one in his side. Nothing vital was hit, not like Phantom in the helicopter. We weren’t bleeding out, but we definitely weren’t going anywhere fast. And instead of getting the hell out of there, the team stayed with us and ultimately we were all captured as a result.”
Avery inhaled sharply, and Rex squeezed her reassuringly before he continued. “We were taken to a series of caves, but ours wasn’t small like yours, it was huge. And the Taliban had set up something resembling horse corrals. We were each tied down inside one of them. We couldn’t see each other, but we could hear everything going on around us.”
“So you weren’t alone, that’s good…right?” Avery asked quietly.
“Yes and no,” Rex said honestly. “Don’t get me wrong, I was happy to have my teammates because I knew together we could figure out how to escape and get the hell out of there. We were a lot stronger together than we’d be if we were on our own. It also meant that the attentions of our…hosts…was divided. But I knew the reason we were all there was because of me and Ace.”
“What do you mean?”
“If we hadn’t gotten shot, then none of us would’ve been there. We wouldn’t have had our asses kicked by those fuckers. They took great delight in beating us.”
Avery nodded as if she knew exactly what he meant, and he knew she did.
“All I could think of was that my friends were being hurt because of me. When it was Bubba’s turn to get beaten, he yelled out words that reminded us all of the hell we’d been through in our SEAL training. Basically, he was telling us to stay strong without letting our captors know what he was doing.”
Rex felt Avery stir against him. “What’d he say?”
“Things like ‘cold,’ ‘sleep,’ ‘food.’ Random words. Nothing the Taliban would understand, but the rest of us knew exactly what he meant.”
Avery nodded. “That was smart.”
“It was. But every word made me feel more and more guilty.”
She shook her head. “No, Cole. That’s not why he was doing it.”
“I know. But it didn’t change the way I felt.”
“How’d you all get away?”
“Bubba has a habit of carrying everything under the sun in his various pockets. When he was searched, a small knife was missed. At night, after they got tired of beating on us, they left us alone. Tied up in our stalls. He got a hand free and used his knife to free himself, then the rest of us. They did their best to stabilize me and Ace, and we got the fuck out of there. The kind of pain I felt escaping from that hellhole was something I’ll never forget. But I refused to give up or let anyone else know that every limping step felt as if the Taliban was sticking a hot poker into my leg. I suffered in silence. Even when we were rescued, and I was brought to a hospital, I didn’t say anything about how much I was really hurting.”
“You were punishing yourself,” Avery said softly.
Rex nodded. “We all knew we wouldn’t have been captured if Ace and I hadn’t been shot. I passed out simply from Rocco sitting on the mattress next to my hip in the hospital. The movement jostled my leg just a little, but my body had had enough. It shut down. It freaked Rocco out and when I woke up, it was after surgery had been done to clean out the infection that had begun to overtake my body.
“My point, and I do have one, is that if I had spoken up earlier, I wouldn’t have had to suffer as much as I did. I could’ve been given antibiotics and painkillers. I’ve never told anyone how guilty I felt, and still feel, about that mission. I hated that they’d been hurt because of me. I didn’t like putting them in that position.”
“It wasn’t your fault. Anyone could’ve been hit by a stray bullet,” Avery told him, her voice stronger now that she was defending him and not thinking about the dark or what had happened to her. “If Rocco had been the one hit, or Phantom, or any of the others, would you have blamed them for putting you in that position?” She didn’t wait for him to answer. “No, you wouldn’t. So you shouldn’t blame yourself.”
“I know,” Rex told her with a small smile. “I get it now, but back then, I didn’t. And I know if I’d have opened my mouth and told Rocco or the others what I was feeling, he would’ve told me the same thing, and I could’ve avoided all the fucking angst and guilt I felt about it. I know you went to see a psychologist. What did he say about your fear of the darkness?”
Rex knew what Avery was going to say before she said it.
“I didn’t talk about it,” she admitted. “But it’s different!” she said quickly. “It’s not the same thing as what you went through.”
“Why not? You did nothing wrong, sweetheart. You didn’t ask to get snatched. You didn’t ask to be beaten and buried alive. But you were. And now you have to deal with the aftermath. I know you don’t feel like it, but you’re amazing. I don’t know many people who would’ve had the mental fortitude to do what you did. You didn’t give up. You figured out a way to survive and didn’t sit back waiting to be rescued. You would’ve dug yourself out if we hadn’t come along. Being scared of the dark isn’t a weakness, Avery. It’s nothing to be ashamed about. Not at all.”
“It’s stupid,” she protested. “I know I’m not in Afghanistan. I’m here in my own home.”
“The brain works in weird ways,” Rex told her. “It allows us to function in situations where we shouldn’t be able to, but then it has a nasty habit of not wanting to let those situations go.”
She didn’t say anything for a moment or two, then said, “I’m so pissed, Cole.”
“About what?”
“About it all. At whoever it was who decided money was more important than human lives and told the insurgents about the weapons convoy. Mad that Afghani man thought it was okay to kidnap and torture me. Pissed that the insurgents thought it was fun to hit me then bury me alive. Angry at myself that I can’t shake this weakness and go back to normal.”
“It’s not a weakness,” Rex said.
“It is!” Avery insisted. “I can’t sleep. I can’t function normally. I’m going crazy!”
“You slept in the dark after we rescued you. What’s changed?” Rex asked. He felt her stiffen against him and realized he’d asked exactly the right question. “Talk to me,” he begged. “Did something happen when you got home? Are you having nightmares that’s bringing it all back? Why can’t you sleep now when you could before you got here?”
He didn’t think she was going to answer him. It was at least three full minutes before he felt her take a deep breath.
“Because before, you were there with me…and I felt safe.”
Goose bumps broke out on his arms at her response. He’d never had this problem before. Never felt his skin prickle spontaneously when he’d been with anyone else. But Avery had a way of cutting straight to his heart, of making him feel raw.
His arms tightened around her, and he turned his head to kiss her forehead. He knew she didn’t like admitting that to him, but it changed everything between them. Everything.
“I shouldn’t have called you,” Avery said when he didn’t respond to her admission right away.
Rex tightened his hold on her. “Yes, you absolutely should’ve,” he said firmly. “In fact, you should’ve said something way before now.”
“I…I don’t like being weak,” Avery admitted.
Rex couldn’t help it. He laughed. “Weak?” he asked in an astonished tone. “Avery, you’re the strongest person I know. Asking for what you need isn’t weak. In fact, it’s way harder sometimes than staying silent. I’m honored that I can do this for you. I’m upset that you didn’t tell me sooner. But I’m here now. We’ll figure this out, and I promise you that things will get better. Day by day, or rather, night by night. It doesn’t matter if we have to sleep with all the lights on for the rest of our lives, we’ll do whatever you need to feel safe. Okay?”
“We?”
“Yeah, baby. We. Now close your eyes and sleep.”
“You’re staying?” she asked, picking up her head to look him in the eyes.
“Of course I’m staying,” he said firmly. “As long as you need me to. Now, shut up and go to sleep already, yeah?” he told her in a teasing tone.
She huffed out a breath, but lay back down against him. She was silent a moment or two, then said, “Thank you, Cole. I know you said this doesn’t make me weak, but saying it doesn’t make the feeling go away.”
“I know, and that’s okay. I can be strong for both of us.”
“You can’t sleep with me forever,” she told him.
Rex wanted to protest immediately. Tell her that he damn well could, and would, but now wasn’t the time. “I can for now. Eventually, you’ll get to the point where you don’t need me in order to sleep, but right now, and for the immediate future, I’m staying.”
“Thanks,” she whispered.
Rex felt her muscles completely relax for the first time, and he knew without a doubt he was right where he needed to be. By her side. Supporting and encouraging her. She would get over this, he knew it. Everything was still too fresh in her mind for her brain to completely shut down and let her relax. Once the traitor was caught and things went back to normal, she’d be back to normal. Right now, she was running on little sleep, the stress of going back to work, and the additional strain of trying to recognize the man she saw in the village.
Within five minutes, Avery had fallen asleep against him. She was dead weight along his body and he could feel the warm puffs of air from her mouth against his neck. In some ways, it felt like he’d slept with her just like this for years, and in other ways, it was as new and exciting.
And feeling her against him made him think about other things, as well. About how she would feel in his arms if they were both naked. How it would feel to make love to her.
Thinking about loving Avery made his dick stir in his jeans. He was still fully clothed and glad for it right this moment. There was no doubt Rex wanted her, but he wanted it to be her decision. Wanted her to need him as much as he needed her. They weren’t there yet, but they had time. He could be there for her like this, platonically, as long as she needed him. It would be his honor and privilege.
Kissing her on the forehead once more, Rex closed his eyes. He could see the bright light of the room even through his eyelids, but it didn’t bother him. He made a mental note to make sure she had a good supply of lightbulbs on hand in case any of the lights in her apartment burned out.
If Avery needed the light to sleep, that’s what she’d get.
That…and him by her side.
Feeling a contentment he’d never experienced in his thirty-four years, Rex fell asleep with Avery in his arms.
Avery jerked awake and was confused for a moment about where she was and what was going on. She’d been dreaming that she was standing at the bottom of a hole and an American man dressed in traditional Afghani garb was laughing as he slid a piece of wood over the top, leaving her in complete darkness.
It was a variation of the same kind of dreams she’d been having since she’d arrived back in California. In every one, she was buried alive in some manner. And in every one, she was helpless to do anything about it.
The difference this time was that she wasn’t freaking out. She’d jerked herself awake and instead of being sweaty and practically hyperventilating, she was almost calm.
“Shhhh,” a drowsy male voice said from right next to her ear. “You’re okay, baby. It was just a dream.”
Cole.
Avery was immediately embarrassed.
She’d called him in a moment of panic earlier and he hadn’t hesitated to come over. She’d managed to get to the front door to unlock it, but didn’t have the energy or strength to get all the way back to her bedroom. So she’d taken refuge in the safest place she could find…the corner of her dining room.
Cole hadn’t been disgusted with her. Hadn’t looked at her with pity. If she wasn’t mistaken, she’d seen pride in his gaze.
It was crazy. Even when she’d admitted that he’d been the one to keep the darkness at bay, he hadn’t laughed at her and told her she was losing it.
Avery closed her eyes and relaxed into his warm body. Usually after waking up from one of her nightmares, she wasn’t able to fall back asleep, but amazingly, she knew she was moments away from doing just that.
And it was because of the man at her side. He made all the difference. She was safe with him. He wouldn’t let the mysterious traitor lock her away in the dark again.
She hated relying on someone else, on a man, to keep her safe. But she knew he was right. Eventually, she’d be able to stand on her own two feet again, or sleep on her own as the case may be. But for now, she was all right with him being there to chase away the demons and things that went bump in the night.
Cole opening up and telling her the story about his own capture, and how vulnerable it had made him feel, made her feel less alone. Stronger somehow.
Moving her hand, Avery realized she was touching cotton instead of his soft skin. Without thought, she moved her hand up and under his shirt, resting her palm against his six-pack abs. She felt and heard him inhale deeply, but then his fingers intertwined with hers on his belly under his shirt.
Holding his hand, hearing his heart beat under her cheek, and feeling the tickle of his beard against her head all combined to make her feel snug and safe.
“Go back to sleep, sweetheart. I’ve got you.”
Those were the last words she heard as her body succumbed to the lure of sleep it had long been denied.
Chapter Seventeen
A week later, Avery stood in the hallway leading out to the main living area and watched as Cole scuttled around her kitchen. He sipped his cup of coffee as he stood in front of her stove, cooking bacon. She knew the second he realized she was awake he’d crack a few eggs in a pan and start a simple omelet of eggs, cheese, and tomatoes for her.
She’d thought it would be awkward to wake up with Cole that first time, but he’d gone out of his way to make it seem as if he always got called in the middle of the night to soothe his freaked-out girlfriend.
He’d spent every night with her since. She’d slept like a log and woke up refreshed and ready to face each day. Without any kind of discussion, he’d brought some of his things over, like soap, his toothbrush, and a few changes of clothes.
And Avery had never been happier.
That alone was kinda freaking her out. This wasn’t how relationships worked. They were doing everything backward. Living together before they’d really gotten to know each other. Sleeping together before sleeping together.
Although, the not knowing each other was a lie. She’d spent so much time with Cole, talking and laughing, that she honestly knew him better than any other man she’d dated. He was down-to-earth, could be silly, was fiercely devoted to his friends. He was considerate. He’d eaten her out of house and home, but he was also generous, shopping for them, not seeming to care how much groceries cost, and he’d filled her car up with gas to boot.
Avery kept waiting for him to do something that would turn her off. Would make him seem less like a paragon of men and more like an annoying…guy. But so far that hadn’t happened.
She knew she was being unfair to herself, but at the moment, she felt as if she was the one with all the flaws in the relationship.
“Morning,” Cole said, startling Avery.
He was smiling at her from his place in front of the stove, and she saw that he’d already started her omelet. “Good morning,” she said, walking toward the kitchen.
“Sleep all right?” he asked, just as he did every morning.
“You know I did,” she replied a little snarkily. She never would’ve thought it possible, but every night when they went to her bedroom and snuggled, the second she closed her eyes, she was out like a light. And even when she woke up with a nightmare, knowing she was safe in his arms made her able to fall right back to sleep, something that had been impossible before he’d started spending the night.
When she got near him, he snaked out an arm and pulled her into his side. He leaned in and kissed her as if it was no big deal. And Avery supposed it wasn’t. He’d been doing that for a week. Kissing her lightly and frequently every chance he got.
When he dropped her off at the hospital, he leaned over and kissed her before she got out of his car.
When he picked her up, another kiss.
After she’d spent time at the police station going over photos, he kissed her.
Before dinner.
After dinner.
While they were watching TV.
When she was snuggled next to him in her bed.
Avery couldn’t say she didn’t like it, but she was frustrated that he never took his kisses deeper. Not like they’d shared before she’d had her freak-out. It was always a quick peck on the lips. His beard and mustache lightly tickling her before he’d back off.
She missed his hand on the back of her neck, holding her to him as he tilted her head exactly where he wanted it and kissed her as if he’d never get enough.
“You’re only working a half shift today, right?” he asked.
Avery nodded and sipped the cup of coffee he’d prepared for her.
“And then you want to spend an hour or so at the police station?”
“Yeah,” she told him. “I’m down to the last of the pictures. I’d like to finish up.”
