Taking laura a broken he.., p.12
Taking Laura (A Broken Heart Book 3), page 12
“You want to talk about it?” He asks, sitting down beside me. His hands fidget. I can tell he wants a cigarette.
I lean onto my arm trying to push back the burn that rises in my throat. “No. I just don’t want to be alone,” I look at Craig from under my eyelashes, not wanting to show just how vulnerable I am right now.
“Move over then.” he doesn’t even flinch as he stands. I haven’t moved.
“What?” my mind races.
“I’m not lying on the floor, Laura. Now move over.” I obey shuffling back against the wall as Craig climbs into my bed.
The single bed is tight and feels even smaller as Craig throws the single duvet over us. I turn sideways the same time as he does. This is awkward. His grin actually makes me relax. It’s familiar and has become something that pulls me out of my darkness.
“I won’t leave, Laura.” His words are softly spoken. I nod, too clogged up with emotion to speak. “But in the morning, they may drag me out of your bed accusing me of forcing my way in. I just hope Ava isn’t the one to find us.”
I laugh and cry at the same time, picturing Ava hysterical. My tears fall, and he remains still but he never looks away from me. “Thank you,” I whisper, swallowing. His thumb burns my skin as he brushes my tears away.
“You are welcome,” Light filtered in from the doorway casting shadows across Craig’s face. He looks beautifully haunted. Like a fallen angel. Or a rising demon. I fall asleep with that thought in my mind and Craig’s breath on my face.
***
For the first time in a long time I dream of nothing. Smiling, I open my eyes slowly. Moss green ones stare back at me. Ones that have been awake from a while, no sleepiness is visible suggesting that Craig didn’t just wake up.
“You know you’re the first girl I have slept with and didn’t sleep with.”
The tips of my ears felt hot at his statement.
“Congratulations I’ll get Rose to do you up a certificate for sleeping with a girl and not sleeping with her.” I’m babbling. I’m nervous. He makes me nervous.
“Honestly. I think Rose would be pretty impressed with me. Hell, I’m impressed with me.”
I’m struggling to keep eye contact. He’s so close that it’s all overwhelming me. He has to hear my heartbeat; my pulse spikes in my neck when he moves. I glare at him with wide eyes. “Is that?” I can’t finish the sentence.
“It’s the morning and you know…”
I lick my very dry lips and he grins. “Okay you need to go.” I tell him, because he does and for so many reasons, not just the one where we might get caught by a number of people. Or the fact that his erection is there in all its glory. No it’s the fact that if he tried something on me, I don’t think I could resist.
He slides out of the bed, still grinning. “We might do this again?” It’s said like a question and I can’t help the stupid smile that crosses my face.
“Thank you, Craig.” I tell him.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
LAURA
I HIDE OUT in my room like a coward the next day. Craig doesn’t turn up no matter how much I think about him. I feel so embarrassed about seeking him out last night, yet I felt such peace having him. My feelings for Craig are frustrating me so I focus on my palms. The half-moon marks are something that reminds me of Violet.
The diary that Rose has given me holds the one entry that I had made last night, now I don’t know what to write or what I feel.
I think about finding Craig, or Rose, or looking for Tai. But each time I go to leave my room, the tightness in my chest overwhelms me. I have a little game of stepping out of the room and then back in, feeling the panic rise and descend.
Yep a fun game.
I re-assessed my clothes. The jeans and sweater are nice, but I search for something more comfortable and camouflaging. An oversized black t-shirt and black leggings make me feel more relaxed. More hidden from the world.
I slip my feet into my black sneakers and then let my hair down. I’m getting used to wearing it up and starting to feel comfortable around Craig but right now it’s all too much. I need the sense of invisibility back again. Standing at the threshold, I take several deep breaths and tell myself no one can see me.
I take my time as I make my way to the canteen. That is my destination. The last three days my food had been sent to my room. I know day four would be pushing it and I would end up having Rose be even more suspicious of me. I have a session later on today with her that I’m dreading. She will prod and poke at the fact that I had more panic attacks.
No one is around thankfully, and I focus on getting a premade sandwich, that’s wrapped in plastic, out of the fridge. I grab a bottle of water along with it. Looking around the canteen I notice Ava at the back with Ethan, both in a deep conversation. I leave before they notice me. Ava is the last person I want to bump into.
It’s a nice day outside and I sit in my normal spot under the tree. As I unwrap my sandwich, my eyes get caught on the half-moon imprints on my palms. Violet’s invade my mind. How many times had I seen these marks on her palms?
I can’t think clearly. I close my eyes and try to focus on a specific time I had seen them. But it’s like I’m not quick enough. Whatever memory I’m chasing, it just seems to disappear.
“You okay?” I opened one eye and looked at Craig.
Was I okay?
“No I’m not,” Craig pauses, not lighting his cigarette. He takes the cigarette out of his mouth and puts it back in the box. I’m surprised when he does this, they are his lifeline.
“Want to talk?” he shoves his hands in his jeans pockets. His awkward stance has me smiling. He’s really trying and that means so much to me.
“My memories sometimes… don’t seem right,” Even as I say it out loud, it doesn’t sound right. I’m not entirely sure what I am trying to say. Craig sits down in front of me, close enough that his knees brush mine, but I try to focus on my thoughts.
“Like they’re not real?” he asks.
“No. Like there’s more but I can’t find them. But I know they are there.” I rub my temple. I’m making less sense the more I talk.
The heat of Craig’s hand on my knee as he squeezes it has me looking at him now. “I think sometimes shit gets too real and we bail.” I smirk at Craig’s description. “Don’t stress, Laura,” Craig grins now, lightening the topic. But a heaviness is there, one I fear, but also want to discover.
Right now Craig continues to look at me, and the way he does, is distracting. Heat creeps into my cheeks and I look away. Focusing on the rose bed across from us, I start to count the roses. “Tell me something about you.” I’ve reached rose number twelve when Craig speaks. His voice is softer than before.
I shrug. “Like what?”
“I need five things to tell Olivia tomorrow.”
I feel disappointment that this has got to do with the therapy. I had thought for a moment that maybe he was interested in getting to know me, because he wanted to, not because he had to.
“Let’s see, Lavender is my favorite smell. I love the color blue.” I haven’t looked at him as I speak. Instead I focus on rotating my sandwich in my hand. I really want to say ‘Lavender was my favourite smell until I smelt you. Blue was my favorite color, now it’s turquoise; the same color as your eyes.’
“Okay that’s two.” Craig lights up a cigarette. One eyebrow rises as he inhales deeply and blows smoke out while waiting for me to add to the stupid list.
“Hmm… I like…” I rub my temples. “Why is this so hard?” Craig grins at me, not helping me out at all. “Give me your five,” I say. He inhales, blows out smoke and stares at the sky.
“I love drawing.”
That I didn’t know. But it would explain all the tattoos that coated nearly every part of his body. Last night I got to see all of him and right now I was blushing at the memory.
“I’m an addict to a lot of things.” He had told me about the heroine but nothing else, so I nod at the cigarette in his hand. “Cocaine, another choice of drug.”
Craig is really watching me. Is he looking for my judgement? Does he care about what I think? The idea that my opinion matters to him makes butterflies flutter in my stomach.
“How long have you been clean from everything?” I never thought I would be in the company of a drug addict. The image that label holds is not the guy before me.
“Over a year.”
This time I squeeze his knee, just like he had done to me. “You should be proud of yourself.”
He takes another pull of his cigarette and blows the smoke into the air, breaking our eye contact. I remove my hand. “Proud isn’t a word I would associate with me.” His voice is low but when he looks back at me, he grins.
“Do you want me to mention this tomorrow?”
“No,” he frowns at me, like it’s a stupid question. Rain starts to fall, and Craig gets up, stomps on his cigarette and holds out his hand to me. I hold back the smile at the thought that he has shared all this stuff about himself with me, because he wanted to. Not because of therapy.
“Okay I won’t say a word,” I tell him, taking his hand. His eyes roam the garden, instead of looking at me. The rain comes down faster. We enter the building and an awkwardness settles between us. “I’m a control freak,” I blurt out. Craig looks at me from under his arm as he runs his hand through his damp hair.
“You are very controlling,” he says and starts to walk.
“How so?”
“Every time I have a can of coke, I have to give it to you,” I snort. That happened once.
“Poor Catsey Cline…” Craig looks down to my left as if the cat walks beside us, “is afraid to look at anyone else. That’s how controlling you are.” I laugh. “Yeah Grace. You are a control freak,” I stop walking.
“Grace?”
Craig looks away briefly. “Yeah, the girl I told you about; the one I used to know. You remind me of her.” The pain in his eyes I understood, and I wonder how I had missed that in our last conversation.
“She died?” I ask gently. Craig looks at me a moment before he starts to walk.
“No she’s getting married.” The silence has me glancing at Craig several times for an explanation.
“So…” I promote when he doesn’t explain.
“I thought I loved her, but I didn’t. She was just there.”
I stop walking again and so does Craig. “Like I’m just here?” I try to sound casual, but I don’t succeed. Craig stares at me a little too long. “It doesn’t matter.” I say forcing a smile.
“I didn’t mean it like that.” Craig says but I start to walk again.
“It’s fine.” Craig stops my progress down the hall. Michelle and Michael walk towards us, both transfixed on Craig’s hand that holds my arm. “Seriously, it’s fine,” I tell him, while removing my arm from his hold. Craig sucks in his lip ring; it distracts me briefly.
“Grace was a really good friend. I meant it as a compliment.” My world deflates again at the word ‘friend.’
“We’ve been looking for you,” Michelle says, her eyes snapping from me to Craig. I gave her a smile, wondering how Rose handled the whole thing of me moving out. From the smile on her face she wasn’t hurt or bothered.
“You found us!” I sound too chirpy.
“Yeah we did.”
Craig hasn’t moved and continues to stare at me, while Michelle and Michael look between us. “Did we disturb something?” Michael asks pointedly. My cheeks heat.
“No,” I say at the same time that Craig says yes.
“O-K-A-Y,” Michelle widens her eyes as she smirks.
“Seriously, it’s fine,” I tell Craig. Michelle and Michael stand watching. I want to tell them to leave but Craig speaks to me like they aren’t there.
“I’ve hurt you,” he says.
“You hurt everyone,” Michelle chimes in helpfully.
“I hate that I hurt you. I know it’s only been a few weeks. But being in this place is intense and I feel like we’ve been friends for ages, so I’m sorry. I really meant it as a compliment.” Silence stretches out. The light that had buzzed overhead has stopped, the squawking shoes no longer squeak. No sound. No Air. I know I’m going to collapse; I want to shout out for someone to catch me. But I can’t.
My brother and his best friend, Lucas, were playing some war game in his room. The noise of the PlayStation penetrated my wall. I turned up my music blocking it out as I lay back staring at my ceiling. I wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but Lucas had entered my room and stood at the end of my bed. I was friends with him as well as my brother. He was a Vince Vaughan look alike.
At over six-foot-tall he was way too large for his fifteen-year-old age. To me he was a friendly giant. I got off the bed to turn down the blaring music. Lucas moved, standing over me, stopping me from getting up. I sat up and when he pushed me down. I swiped his hand away. “Stop it,” I warned half smiling, but dread started to pool in my stomach. I had spent years in Lucas’ company. I had known he fancied me. But we were just friends, the way he looked at me now; he had never looked at me like that before.
When he pushed me back down and sat, placing his weight on me, panic had me swinging for him. “Seriously get off me!” I shouted at him over the music. My hands were pinned down; his bulk no match for my small frame.
“Lucas, what are you doing?” I swallowed the panic. I couldn’t fight him. I hadn’t a clue what he was going to do. But his eyes, the look he gave me terrified me. “Please, you’re scaring me,” I told him. He didn’t speak but looked at me, still holding me down. My stomach curled with pure fear.
“Get. Off. Me,” I screamed this time. When he didn’t blink I continued to scream. This time not for my brother. I screamed for Violet. I screamed for anyone. The fear and confusion at what was happening had me screaming and thrashing under Lucas. His hold on me grew tighter. I spat at him; the spit coming right back onto my face. But it didn’t stop me. I was panicking.
He blinked a moment and I used all my force, thrusting upwards to push him off me, his hands loosened, and I got loose. Pushing sideways, I fell off the bed. The tear of my top roared through my ears as he grabbed for me, his huge hands easily tearing the fabric.
I ran from the room and didn’t stop until I ended up in the garden, fighting for air. Fighting for an understanding of what had just happened. Was he going to rape me? My stomach lifted and I bent over coughing and choking but nothing came up. Exhaustion had me folding in on myself and crumpling to the ground. It was Violet who had found me. She helped fix me up. I told her what happened, and she told me she would protect me, that he would never touch me again.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
LAURA
OPENING MY EYES causes a different kind of dread to fill me. Craig leans over me, his eyes full of concern. He doesn’t speak but lets me get up. I can still feel Lucas’ breath on my face as I sit up in a bed.
“You okay?” I nod, unable to speak. Tears burn my eyes and throat. “You passed out,” he says when I don’t speak. I swallow.
“Yeah, that happens sometimes,” I try to force a smile. But Craig doesn’t smile back instead he pulls the lip ring in and out of his mouth. I focus on the movement. It calms me.
“Who is Lucas?” My eyes snap to Craig. I can feel myself pale. To hear someone say his name feels unreal. But Craig has said it, and now watches me, a strain on his face.
“He was a friend.” I speak, feeling breathless. Dizziness has me leaning back into my pillows.
“Like me?”
I give a humourless laugh. “No Craig, not like you,” I look at him now. He just nods. I must have spoken his name out loud, when I was out. “He hurt me,” I confess.
Craig stills, his chest doesn’t move as he speaks. “How?” A muscle twitches in his jaw and I regret saying it. I shift under his heavy stare.
“Look Craig, it was a long time ago and I just want to forget it,” I tell him.
“You’re calling this guy’s name out in your sleep. So you’re not forgetting it. You sounded fucking scared, Laura.” Craig stands now. I have no idea what to say. “If you don’t want to talk about it with me, I get it. I really do. But talk to Rose.” I bit my lip forcing the tears back. “Promise me, Laura.”
Jesus, he was killing me. “Yeah, I promise,” I tell him. My vision wavers and I blink it back into focus, letting the tears fall.
“I think he was going to rape me that night.” I tell him in a whisper. “He held me down and he had this look in his eyes, I was so scared,” I blow air out quickly calming my racing heart. “I trusted him. But I shouldn’t have.” Craig nods, when I meet his eye but his stare is unblinking and I want him to just be Craig again. “He didn’t get to do anything. I got away.”
“What happened to him?”
I swipe away my tears. “Nothing.”
“You told your parents?” Craig questioned, and this was when it started to get a lot more painful for me. I ball my hands into fists and then release them; I can feel the heat pour into my cheeks now with embarrassment. Embarrassment that my family did nothing about it.
“Yeah, I told my mom and my brother. But…” My anger at the injustice has my tears drying up. “But it made no difference. It was just a story and he was back in my home, so I pretended like it never happened.”
“I’m so fucking sorry.” Craig sits down, with clenched fists, it’s the first time someone has been angry for me and it makes me want to cry. But I swallow the tears.
“It’s okay. It was a long time ago,” I tell him again.
“It doesn’t matter how long ago this happened. Your mother…” his jaw clenches. “If I ever meet your brother, I am kicking the shit out of him.” I smile, and a small laugh erupts from me.
“Thank you,” I tell him. He is the first person to ever come to my defence. He has no idea how much it means to me.
