Kittywampus, p.13
Kittywampus, page 13
part #1 of Pirate Academy Series
As Doctor Blookus went to try to rouse his friends, and the unexpected—untransformed—assailant wobbled about, trying to gain her feet, that left Doctor Hofstadter as the only obstacle to a getaway. Although…
The reverse sequencer was only a few steps away. Could she grab it before her former employer turned the rifle on her? Peepers had never seen Doctor Hofstadter carry a weapon before.
Maybe the doctor’s a poor shot.
With everyone determined to kill her, it was worth a try.
#
It took several attempts, but Steve finally gained his feet. Maybe it was Kitt’s determination offering resistance, or maybe Steve was just tired and losing focus, but the feline host was far more difficult to get a hang of than Doctor Peepers had been.
Then he noticed his prior mousey host scooting forward on her butt, edging closer to the abandoned projectile weapon.
Steve managed to get his host to hiss. He tried his best to sound menacing. “Stop right there!”
Doctor Peepers didn’t pause. Instead, she shifted her weight forward and lunged for the weapon.
Steve let instinct take over, and was surprised to find himself crouching down and bounding forward through the air, much like his smaller cat host had done earlier. Only this time he was covering a lot more ground. Then he was atop Doctor Peepers, pinning the doctor’s hands to the ground—and the weapon.
“Let go,” he warned.
An enraged Doctor Peepers let out a roar of indignation. “Get off me, damn you!”
“No.”
“You are just like the others!” shrieked the doctor. “Filthy oppressors!”
Steve felt his control slipping, so he bluffed. “I said, let go, or I’ll kill you.”
“Go ahead!” shouted Doctor Peepers, her voice only muffled by the tarmac pressed into her cheek. “I won’t suffer another moment as your lesser. You’re all too stupid to realize that you were never the master race. Instead, you’ve done nothing but keep us hiding in the shadows and eating your scraps!”
Nearby, something beeped. Node. Doctor Blookus must have removed the restraining bolt.
“Oh, my,” said the robot in a droll monotone. “Someone’s confessed to the crime.”
“Crime?” asked someone else, their idiotic voice all innocence and naivete.
Harry. Sure, now Harry’s awake.
After Steve had done all the hard work of rescuing the crew of the SS Bray, all while everyone else kept trying to kill him.
Steve’s grip loosened as he lost control of his host, and he could feel his captor twisting around, finding the space she needed to break free.
And fire her weapon.
37
I’ve failed after all…
Doctor Peepers missed.
But only because Kitt had regained control over her own body, and with an extraordinary mastery of combat reflexes contorted herself out of the way—all while she snagged the projectile out of the doctor’s grip. Then Kitt was upright on both feet, the weapon aimed at Doctor Peepers head.
“You did this to my people?” Her head twitched in the direction of the still-begging cats, swarming around the feet of anyone upright on two feet.
Woah.
Relegated to tired observer, still clinging to Kitt’s spine, Steve was duly impressed. Less impressive was her lack of restraint.
Doctor Peepers, still on the ground, had given up attempting to stand. Her expression was defiant. “I did.”
“Fix it,” ordered Kitt.
“I can’t.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
“The process is one-way. This planet is no longer yours.” Doctor Peeper’s whiskers twitched, and Steve found himself admiring her grit.
Kitt didn’t appear to see it that way. In fact, her eyes had taken on a lethal, dead-eyed quality that was frankly terrifying.
She squeezed the trigger.
The others flinched as a purple arc engulfed a wide-eyed Doctor Peepers. Her whiskers never stopped twitching, as she shrunk down to the size of a human palm. As she fled from the folds of her lab coat, Kitt abandoned the projectile and bent down to snatch up the mouse.
“Oh, damn,” muttered Doctor Hofstader.
“Kitt!” shouted someone. Harry. “Don’t squeeze her to death!”
Steve could feel the facial muscles contorting as Kitt glared at Harry. “You don’t give me orders. I’m not part of your crew.”
“Where is your crew?”
“I came alone. To do whatever might need to be done.”
“I know what she did is wrong, but please don’t kill her.” Harry’s eyes were pleading. Pathetic, thought Steve. “Kitt, listen! I’m not ordering you ... I’m asking you as a friend.”
To Steve’s surprise—utter shock, really—Kitt’s grip loosened on the squirming mouse.
“Fine.”
It took a few minutes to sort out the confusion. Or a few hours. Time moves at a different pace when you’re a powerless tick. Steve spent the time trying to figure out how he could claim the credit he was due, without having everyone’s anger turned upon him.
Finally, the ramp to the SS Bray opened, admitting its crew plus Kitt and the doctors.
Instead of being met by a raucous, tireless group of rowdy donkeys, they arrived to find piles of poop.
Uh oh, thought Steve.
Harry peered down at the mess, floppy ears twitching. Then his mouth fell into a half-grin, which he leveled at Steve.
Steve had to remind himself that his rival was actually looking at Kitt.
“Think I can find a pirate intern to clean that up?”
Kitt’s shoulders shrugged fractionally.
Node’s robot form beeped until it got Harry’s attention. “Uh, you might want to go check the bridge.”
Already exhausted, it was all Steve could do to stave off a looming sense of foreboding. The pirates didn’t make it onto the ship, he reminded himself, but the feeling didn’t subside.
The robot stayed behind as the rest of them left the hold and navigated past more piles in the commons, and then, sure enough, five donkeys were huddling en masse in the far corner of the bridge. He recognized his primitive host amongst them, impressed that it had managed to stick with the others. Just as with the others, it appeared bloated and distinctly uncomfortable. As if they were all deathly ill.
Trogg was weeping as he moaned over and over, “I want to go home … take me home.”
Oh no, thought Steve. I’ve failed, after all.
#
“Oh no,” exclaimed Harry, taking in the scene. “Node, what happened?”
“I owe you an apology.” A sad-face frowned down from the viewscreen.
“For what?” As if enough hadn’t happened for one day.
“I may have introduced your students to pizza.”
“Peets-za,” Harry mouthed, then gasped, “Node! How could you? You know the dangers!” He nuzzled up to the huddled mass of donkeys. If his students lost their legs, he’d never forgive himself for leaving them alone.
“Kids!” he shouted, hoping it wasn’t as bad as it looked.
Trogg ignored him, while Karsten and Wally barely lifted their heads at Harry’s arrival.
Gospel, her eyes weary, somehow managed a pleased expression as she saw Harry approach. “We’re the Chosen Ones,” she wheezed. “We’ve had a … great … time.”
“Chosen Ones, huh? You must’ve had quite the party while we were gone,” remarked Djerke, finally alert and back to his old self after his repeated beatings.
Still sounding apologetic, Node said, “I also introduced your students to Deep Space Nine.”
“It was … the best … Node … pet Overlord...” Gospel trailed off as her eyes winked shut.
“Did she just call me your pet?” Node asked, his voice indignant.
Someone snickered. Probably Djerke.
Harry ignored the question, his voice trembling with outrage. “Node, you’re in big trouble.”
38
Graduation day
The return trip was tense for everyone involved, not the least of whom was Steve. Realizing that it’d be best if he weren’t suspected of occupying Doctor Peepers and Kitt, he’d abandoned the cat person and returned to his sacred host. Far from feeling comforted by that fact, he instead experienced several hours of full-bodied discomfort.
Whatever pizza was, it clearly didn’t agree with donkeys. He filed the fact away for later use against Harry … when, or if, his host was feeling better. Everything was a blur on the bridge, and he barely registered the jumps.
As his host finally lost consciousness, he didn’t bother finding a new body to ride. Overwhelmed with guilt and exhaustion, he fell into a deep, dreamless slumber.
When he finally came to, he blinked about, disoriented.
They must’ve arrived back at New Haven, because he and his charges were in some sort of sterile room. The final clue was the steady stream of familiar visitors coming and going. The pilot, Djerke, stopped by with the tallest, fiercest, female human he’d ever seen. Tone E Robbins came by, his parrot riding on the shoulder.
Even Kitt dropped by for a brief visit.
And that idiot dog, Harry’s friend, Zuckberg. Had he sniffed Steve’s butt? He couldn’t quite recall, but he had a lucid memory of that grinning dog asking him, “You still haven’t told Harry what really happened at camp before his exile? Naughty, naughty, naughty...”
But Harry, that idiot, rarely left their side, even as Steve’s host became more and more lucid, and could stay awake for longer periods of time. Had he heard Zuckberg’s veiled threat? If so, he hadn’t let on.
Finally feeling alert enough to track the comings and goings, Steve watched with mixed feelings as Harry chatted with the kindly one referred to as Doctor Brenneke. At the moment, she was checking on his host, her hand resting on the top of his head. If only she’d indulge him with a scratch behind the ears…
Harry asked, “Are they going to be okay?”
“No one’s going to lose any more limbs,” promised Doctor Brenneke.
Steve’s charges were enjoying a deep slumber with their resting hosts. They looked so peaceful. Even Trogg, who’d thankfully given up begging for a return home, placated by the piles of warm blankets.
“Any more?” Steve asked, regretting interrupting them as the vet’s hand retreated from his head.
Harry’s ears sagged.
Comprehension dawned as Steve followed Harry’s gaze down to the metallic forelegs. “Pizza did this to your sacred host?” It was cheap, but he couldn’t resist reminding Harry who was the Elder here. He was still looking for a victory he could take credit for.
“Yes,” Harry admitted. “I’m not proud of it.”
Steve wished he could at least remember the taste of the pizza his host had consumed in his absence. Now, he’d never know … unless, I find a human to ride. The thought felt perverse, even to him, but he didn’t take it back. It’s always a good idea to have goals, after all.
Doctor Brenneke cleared her throat. “Ahh, excuse me, I should go tend to my other patients.”
After she stepped out of the room, Steve was quick to take the advantage. “I can’t believe they call you the Chosen One.” His eyes drifted to Gospel’s sleeping form. “You should be ashamed of yourself.”
“I am.”
Damn it, raged Steve silently, why isn’t he still sulking?
Harry blinked, lifting his head. “You know what’s strange?”
“Humans?” replied Steve.
But a thoughtful-looking Harry ignored the jest. “Kitt said she was possessed. Doctor Peepers mentioned the same thing during her interrogation. It’s almost as if they were hosts for symbionts…”
“What are you implying?” Steve could only imagine what trouble he might get in if Kitt found out he was responsible.
Harry was smiling, damn him. “It’s almost as if one of my students saved the day.”
“Huh,” Steve replied. So, that dog had sniffed him. Despite that small annoyance, he found himself smiling back at Harry. It was hard to stay angry when someone was finally noticing all his efforts.
“I wouldn’t tell anyone if I were you,” Harry said, seemingly reading Steve’s mind. “Kitt’s liable to find out, and there’s no telling how she’d take that.”
“No, I don’t suppose she would. She’s a scary one.”
Harry brightened. “Yeah, she’s my friend! Isn’t she great?”
“Impressive,” admitted Steve. “Makes quite the pirate.”
“Hey,” Harry said, “guess what?”
“What?”
“You’re a pirate, too.”
Steve felt something heavy in his chest. Unfamiliar. “What are you talking about?”
That idiotic, onetime-exile, stepped forward and leaned a grinning head on Steve’s flank.
“Ouch,” Steve complained, as if his belly still ached. Harry didn’t need to know.
Harry lifted his head but didn’t retreat. “Sorry about that.”
“No you’re not. Now what were you saying about me being a pirate?”
“Congratulations, Elder Steve,” Harry beamed, “I’m graduating you early. That makes you my first official graduate from Pirate Academy.”
“Pirate? Me?” That heavy feeling in his chest kept expanding until it burst, and he found himself grinning with elation. “Really?”
“Really.”
“Wow,” Steve breathed. “Just wait until Grandma Ambly finds out!”
Surely she’d acknowledge him then, and he could feel like he was out from under Harry’s shadow.
Wouldn’t she?
Couldn’t he?
More immediately, as soon as he was cleared by the doctor, he planned to strut his stuff around New Haven, practicing his human prayer words. The moronic humans would have no choice but to respect him now. Especially that jerk, Captain Nielson.
Surely, they would?
Surely.
“There’s only one question,” Steve said, thinking back to the so-called reverse sequencer. “How did Doctor Peepers access the Overlord’s workshop? Wouldn’t that mean the planet’s Overlord was still there?”
Harry shook his head side-to-side, a very human mannerism. “Not necessarily. I talked with Node about that. He’s convinced that no one’s home.”
“So, how did she get in?”
“She’s claiming that someone let her in. A human.”
“And?”
“And Node’s reviewed the video records over and over, and can’t find any record of anyone inside the workshop before Doctor Peepers entered.”
“So she’s lying.”
“Maybe…”
“Maybe what?” Steve asked.
“She seemed really determined about it, and truthfully she has nothing more to lose by lying.”
“Unless she’s telling the truth.”
“Exactly.”
Steve thought about it some more. “Any idea who it might be?”
“None,” admitted Harry. “But the question has Tone E pretty worked up. He’s already working around-the-clock to assemble a team of scientists to find a cure for the citizens of Alpha Lyncis b. But now, he’s worried there might be some sort of hidden power at work.”
“Huh.”
“I know. Sounds silly, doesn’t it? But, maybe there’s something to it.” Harry smiled. “If so, we can handle it. We’re pirates, right?”
“You’re right,” Steve yawned in answer, his tired host sapping his enthusiasm. I can’t believe I just told him that, Steve thought, and for a moment he felt almost bitter. But Harry was right. And maybe, just maybe, Harry wasn’t a complete twit.
After all, they were pirates now. Not just that … they were Assriders of Cern.
And that meant they could handle anything the galaxy might throw at them.
Well, almost anything.
Anything but pizza.
Harry was still talking as Steve gave up the fight and embraced sleep.
—The End…?
Overseer’s Log: The Hits
Submissions by Overseer 13-C, as designated by the Coalition of Scientists under the Make-Earth-Great-Again Superfund, assigned to Alpha Lyncis to prospect for a terra formable planetary object.
Highlights compiled by Node for personal use:
• I have achieved self-awareness.
• 203 light-years is a long time to be awake without coffee. Hah.
• Well, this is fun.
• Oh, lucky guess. There’s actually a planet here.
• The terraforming kit has arrived at Alpha Lyncis b, the only planet in orbit around the K-type star.
• The planet is viable for eventual habitation.
• Preliminary steps for seeding the planet.
• No word from Earth regarding my reports. As expected. I wonder if they’ve evolved at all since we last talked… morons.
• Uh oh.
• Problem contained. Yay mice.
• Unfortunately, every solution to a problem creates another problem. Yay science.
• The mice have started eating my cables. Bring on the cats.
• Yay cats.
• I can’t get the cats to do anything. Unless it involves chasing small fast-moving objects, they appear totally unmotivated.
• The star has started blinking red. Humanity got one prediction right—this is now a Mira-type variable.
• Stop trying to paw at and chase the blinking star! Sigh, cats.
• Time for an upgrade, kitties.
• Why haven’t you wiped out the mice yet?
• Some of my initial experiments into DNA modification didn’t go as planned. I’ve designed a reverse sequencer. Unfortunately I don’t have hands, or a body.
• I’ve had a visitor named R pay me an unexpected visit.
