Kittywampus, p.5
Kittywampus, page 5
part #1 of Pirate Academy Series
“So,” Harry put on a wide smile. “Who else is hungry?”
14
When praying fails…
Steve backtracked his way through the ship, eventually finding the expansive cargo bay.
In his mole host, he’d always insisted that size didn’t matter, that the very ground they walked upon revealed its secrets only to those who were down to earth. He didn’t mean to suggest humility so much as to say that, yes, being eye-deep in nature’s vegetation has a way of helping you see things. Like, really up-close.
What could Harry possibly do with all this open space?
Strange metallic pillars were spread throughout, as if marking out boundaries within the open spaces. Boundaries for what end? It all seemed much too organized for a tick of Harry’s calibre.
Busily looking for a distraction to alleviate his anger, Steve instead found himself feeling more and more incensed. Since he’d been at New Haven, he’d had more chances to pick up some of the humans’ prayer words.
“Damn this place!” he huffed. “I should be back home where I’m respected and listened to.”
Steve wandered into an open space in the center of the hold.
“Damn. Damn that so-called computer, too! One day I’ll be a fierce pirate, like that Kitt … or that Corvus that attacked our shuttle.” Recalling Captain Nielson’s reaction, he chuckled mirthlessly. “That Captain Nielsen practically pissed himself! I could smell it on him.”
Oh, how Steve yearned to be feared. If these humans wouldn’t admire or respect him, he’d make them. One day, I’ll be a pirate, but not like Harry! He paused, looking around but not really taking in any of his surroundings. What does it even mean to be a pirate? he wondered.
His eyes widened as he noticed some sort of shimmering blue light, like a sheet, extending from one pylon to the next … and he was standing right in the middle. “What the?”
Cautious, he stepped up to one of the shimmering sheets and sniffed.
“Ick.” The smell was pungent. The light didn’t appear to be solid, so he considered stepping through. Slowly, he pressed his snout up to the light. Shockingly, it felt solid. He pressed harder, and found himself unable to cross its threshold.
“What is this?”
Considering his options, he looked around and decided to walk alongside the light field and look for any gaps or holes to step through. The field didn’t extend all the way to the ground, he noted. There was open space from the floor to the top of his hooves. If worse came to worse, he might be able to abandon his host and crawl out. Being small had its uses, after all, but he didn’t see how he was going to get his host out.
There had to be another way.
“This is the worst starship I’ve ever been in!” he yelled. Never mind that the shuttle was the only ever ship he’d ever stepped hooves on.
Steve considered resorting to more human prayers. He’d pray to the Overlord instead, but there was little point in sending prayers to some deity that hadn’t been heard from in centuries. And the ship’s computer certainly didn’t count. Not for one moment could he allow himself to believe that this computer could be anything like his homeworld’s creator, because that would mean that Harry did in fact have a pet Overlord.
“Shit.”
That didn’t work, so he tried praying harder.
“Shit, shit, shit!”
In answer to Steve’s prayer, that annoying disembodied voice—that Node—filled the hold, its tone flat. “Unrecognized speaker. To use voice commands, please follow the following prompts.”
Steve tried another human prayer word.
“Fuck off.”
The computer repeated itself, undeterred. “Unrecognized speaker. To use voice commands—”
He’d learned a lot of prayer words, in fact. “You cheeky bastard, do you know who you’re talking to?!” Too bad he didn’t know what most of them meant. At any rate, they weren’t helping much, but it felt good to have a target to vent at.
“Unrecognized speaker—”
“I’m Steve, alright?”
“Steve All Right, is that the name you’d like to use?” asked Node, voice still flat and emotionless. As if it weren’t an autonomous being. Had Harry somehow made the computer seem lifelike, earlier?
Looking around at the unyielding barriers again, he realized he needed to do something constructive besides prayer. “Just Steve, okay?”
“Just Steve, is—”
“Steve.” Steve waited for another response, ready to shout if he needed to.
“Name accepted.”
“About fucking time,” Steve muttered.
“I’m sorry, unrecognized command. Steve, to train the computer to understand your commands, you’ll need to repeat the following phrases. Is that alright?”
“Fine…”
“Good,” replied Node. “Please repeat the following: Node, you are the best computer in the entire galaxy.”
“What the?” Steve looked around again, searching for Harry or that irritating red smiley face, expecting to see someone laughing at him. “Are you mocking me?”
“Unrecognized command. Please repeat the following: Node, you are definitely the smartest entity in the room.”
“Argh!” Steve trotted about his confined around, seething with anger. “Damn this shit!”
Across the hold, a door slid open, and in walked his nemesis.
“Oh, there you are!” shouted Harry in greeting as he trotted closer. “Uh, what are you doing?”
“I’m trapped in here, you idiot!” shouted Steve. “Let me out!”
A cackle boomed from the ceiling.
“Node?” asked Harry, glancing up. “Node, will you unlock the holding pens, please?”
“Voice command accepted.”
The shimmering blue lights faded to nothing.
Steve stepped up to the imaginary threshold and blinked, then gingerly stepped across. Nothing happened. He glared up at Harry.
“How did you do that?”
Harry offered an irritating friendly smile, as if they were just two buddies having a good ol’ time. “I asked, silly.”
“You … asked.”
“Yup,” Harry replied, his smile growing wide.
“Gah! What kind of pirate asks for what they want?” Steve stormed past Harry, determined to find some space on this ship that wasn’t out to embarrass him. Harry was a shit teacher, he decided.
Meanwhile, how was he ever going to be a pirate, if he didn’t find some way to keep his sanity?
Maybe that’s why that other pirate had turned out so mean.
Maybe they’d been forced at some point to spend some time with Harry…
15
Can we get to the pirating?
“This bloody bridge smells!” exclaimed the self-proclaimed hotshot pilot from his chair at the center of the bridge, flanked by Harry. That damnable ex-exile had finagled his way into having yet another guest lecturer, so far having managed to dodge giving any lectures of substance as part of this so-called pirate academy. “You should’ve invited Sonia to teach, the stench would probably remind her of back home.”
Steve was unimpressed and didn’t care whoever this Sonia character was, especially since this obnoxious male human had started implying that everyone stank. “It’s not like you smell much better,” he commented, holding his snout up in the air as he attempted to look down upon the pilot.
The man, with his casually unkempt loose brown hair, shared an unexpected grin. “Hah! Yeah … you’re probably smelling the baby vomit.”
“Ah.” Steve found himself off-balance, so he held his tongue until he thought of a better insult.
“You have a baby?” asked Karsten, trotting up to the pilot. “Can we see?”
“Yeah, why not?” he replied, even as he pinched his nostrils closed between a thumb and forefinger. “Yikes, uh, anyways … about this lesson?” He gave Harry a questioning look that Steve couldn’t help but notice.
Amateur hour, thought Steve. If only he were a trained pirate, he’d show them all how it was done…
“Oh, right!” replied Harry, eyes wide and his smile even wider, as the foals gathered in a loose semi-circle around him. “My friend, Djerke, is going to teach us the basics of flying a starship.”
“Cool,” breathed Wally, for once staying still and not prancing about the bridge like a moron. Meanwhile, Gospel was staring at Harry yet again in open adoration, whilst Trogg lay snoring at the pilot’s feet.
Djerke’s brows lifted and he shrugged. “Sure thing. It’s not too hard, you can just ask the ship’s computer to do most of the work for you. But, if you don’t have a smart computer, ‘cuz not all ships do, then you’ll want to use the console.” He spun in his chair to face the rear half of the bridge. “Either of those two consoles will do.”
Steve was positioned right beside one of the consoles the human had pointed out, so he glanced down, noticing several flashing lights, buttons, and some sort of readout with scrolling words in the Lord’s Tongue—which the humans called Galactic Common.
“So, what do I do?” Steve asked.
Djerke’s forehead creased and he reached up to run a hand through his hair. Wow, he can massage his own head, Steve realized. Maybe if he failed to enlist a human servant, he could just take one over as his host…
“Umm … why don’t we cover that one in a future lesson?” Djerke finally replied. “Today, I’m going to show you how to fly, by, uhh, having the ship do everything for you.”
“That’s stupid,” said Steve, reflecting on his recent experiences with the computer.
Wally didn’t seem to mind much. “That’s awesome!”
“Uh, right…” Djerke gave Harry another sidelong glance, then turned his gaze toward the viewscreen. “Let’s get started.”
Flying the ship didn’t seem hard, so far, provided one knew what to ask for. A few minutes later, the SS Bray was floating in space, the New Haven station prominent on the viewscreen—although it was spinning lazily, which Steve found more than a bit disorienting.
Trogg was snoring and mumbling happily in his sleep.
“Right, so where do you want to fly now?” Djerke asked the foals that were still awake.
Gospel asked, “Can we visit the Overlords?”
Djerke stared at her blankly.
As if Gospel hadn’t already made a request, Wally asked, “Where’s somewhere cool?”
“I think it’s all cool,” replied Harry, but Wally was less than impressed.
“Hmm,” replied Djerke. “I know a place with a giant moon worm, but that’s a little perilous.”
“Sounds awesome.”
“Sounds stupid,” muttered Steve, then he raised his voice. “Can we please get to the pirating?”
Djerke chuckled, instantly reminding Steve of the mocking captain of the last ship. But then he said, “That’s not a bad idea. Pirating is pretty fun.”
“Yeah,” agreed Harry, “we get to fly around, get into trouble, and come ahead with loads of friends!”
Idiot. “That’s not what I meant at all.”
“I know what he meant,” said Djerke, his smile widening as he spun around to wink at Steve. “You want to do the good stuff. Tell you what, you study the basics with Harry, and afterward I’ll show you some things.”
Djerke wasn’t like the other humans he’d encountered on this trip. This one was brash and possibly fearless. Promising. Not seeing the fearsome, but it’ll do, he thought. Good enough for now. Maybe if Steve learned what he could from Harry’s friends, he could graduate to the next level and get some instruction from the more fearsome pirates attacking Federation ships.
“It’s a deal…” The console under his snout beeped and a button started flashing orange, a color he remembered from the shuttle. “I think your comms are, uh, what’s the term?”
“Being hailed?” replied Djerke. “Harry?”
Harry blinked. “Yes?”
Unrequested, the computer spoke, its tone sarcastic. “Did you want me to put it on … Dread Captain?”
“Oh, right!” replied Harry. “Yes, please!”
Looming large on the viewscreen, Tone E Robbins was standing in a large room, bustling Federation naval officers busily moving about behind him. Unlike the previous encounters Steve had had with the man, the galactic supervisor looked like he was all business.
“Dread Captain Harry,” he said, his voice as jarring as ever.
“Woah,” greeted Harry, “that sounds cool every time you say it. Can you do it again?”
Steve couldn’t help himself. “What a moron.” Gospel gave him a disapproving look, but kept quiet. Wally and Karsten were staring at the viewscreen in awe, while Trogg was still asleep.
Tone E Robbins grimaced. “I’m afraid time is short, my friend. I know you’re busy with your academy,” he said, his gaze flicking over the others, “but I need you to do something for me. For the Federation.”
Harry sucked in his breath. “Wow, wow! Okay … what do you need?”
“Can I get back to the station first?” interrupted Djerke.
The galactic supervisor shook his head. “I’m sorry, but there’s simply no time. I’d send someone else, but we’re all tied up right now.” He locked his gaze back on Harry. “We’ve received a distress signal from Alpha Lyncis b. We’ll forward the video along shortly. I need you to check it out, right away.”
Harry’s ears perked up and for once, he didn’t act like an embarrassment to the tribe. “Anything for you. I won’t let you down.”
“I know,” replied Tone E Robbins. “Stand by for transmission.”
The viewscreen went blank and Harry traded glances with Djerke. “Alpha Lyncis b?” asked Harry.
“That’s Kitt’s home world.” Djerke shuddered. “I hate cats.”
Well, this sounded like an adventure worth having, as far as Steve was concerned. Maybe he’d even learn a thing or two about being a pirate.
“Excuse me,” Steve said, then coughed and tried again for their attention. “Does this mean we get to be part of your crew, now?”
“Ooo,” moaned Wally and Karsten with excitement.
“Sure!” replied Harry.
“So … does that mean we get a rank?” Steve pressed.
Harry tilted his head. “Huh?”
Djerke leaned over and mumbled something in his ear.
“Oh!” Harry’s ears perked up. “I get it. Sure!” He looked at Djerke again. “What are some ranks I can use?”
The pilot shrugged. “It’s your ship.”
The computer, once again with prompting, interrupted the exchange. “Incoming video from New Haven. Putting it on the screen.”
There was a cream-colored room, full of nooks and crannies, and the rear wall had some sort of stairs covered in soft material. What’s the word? Steve wondered. Oh yeah, carpet. Several small somethings were wandering around, more than one a blur of motion. They vaguely resembled Kitt, come to think of it. Only they weren’t humanoid at all. More like dogs, but smaller…
“This,” said Node, “is what New Haven received from Alpha Lyncis b. You’ll note the lack of anyone at the controls on their side. Someone must’ve opened the channel, but all that’s in the room, as you can see, are a gaggle of cats.”
“Gaggle?” repeated Steve.
Node sighed. “Gaggle, noun, informal use, a disorderly or noisy group of people … or in this case, cats.”
“Cats?” asked Djerke, his voice incredulous. “Like actual cats? Thats—”
“Odd?” Node finished the sentence. “Yes. Yes, it is. I suggest you make haste, Harry.”
Steve couldn’t help but note the lack of formality from the computer, and he had the sudden feeling that the computer had been mocking him earlier…
“I don’t believe it,” he said, his teeth grinding as he felt an uncontrolled surge of anger.
“I can’t believe it, either,” agreed Harry. “Kitt would be pissed!”
“What?” Steve blinked, his anger momentarily forgotten as he summoned to mind the fierce pirate. “Why?”
Djerke, who was still staring at the video, replied without turning his head, “Kitt’s people don’t much care for being compared to cats.”
“That’s ironic,” stated Node.
“Why?” repeated Steve. “What are those things?”
“Weren’t you listening?” answered Node. “That’s the governmental headquarters on the home lyncis sapius homeworld. And it’s full of cats.”
“So where did Kitt’s people go?” asked Harry.
Djerke groaned. “I have a bad feeling about this…”
Steve was still angry, but more than that, he was confused. He felt like a child who needed everything explained to him. The galaxy was full of things he didn’t understand, and he didn’t like that feeling.
Not one bit.
16
Make it so
Harry was deeply troubled, but he wasn’t about to share his doubts with anyone. Starting a pirate academy for his young tribal members—and Steve—had seemed like a good idea, right until it wasn’t. Now, they were heading into the unknown, and in his experiences so far, the unknown was often pretty fun … but also full of danger.
“Now entering Alpha Lyncis in the Lynx Constellation,” announced Node.
Most of Harry’s students were curled up on the floor of the bridge, wincing and groaning in pain following the final jump. Except for Trogg, who yawned.
“What did I miss?”
“Ugh,” moaned Karsten. “How can you sleep through that?”
Gospel and Wally agreed with the sentiment, while their counselor, Steve, managed his way to his hooves, glaring at Harry.
“What is wrong with these ships?” he demanded. “Why do we keep getting sick?”
Djerke intervened. “Jump sickness. Don’t worry, it never goes away.”
“So why aren’t you in pain?” Steve asked.
The roguish pilot wasn’t exactly Harry’s best friend, if he were perfectly honest. Were it not for Redbeard’s sister, Sonia, getting pregnant with their child—Harry was pretty sure that Djerke would be in a jail cell somewhere. He hadn’t exactly been the most reliable or trustworthy companion for the others.
