Kittywampus, p.7
Kittywampus, page 7
part #1 of Pirate Academy Series
Overhearing Harry, Gospel perked up and trotted closer. “Did someone say the Overlord is here?”
“I detected no signs of the Overseer,” replied Node. “But someone was in here—recently—and knew exactly what to do.”
“Oh.” Harry pondered. “Does that mean there was a … god here?”
Djerke snorted.
Node uttered a rude beep. “You don’t seriously still believe in gods, Harry. Really, have I taught you nothing?”
“So?” Djerke was getting twitchy again, staring back at the entrance, past a moping Steve. “Get on with it.”
“Watch it, Djerke,” said Node, somehow managing to conjure malice with his limited vocal range. “My point is, a mysterious person—not a god—came in here and manufactured a reverse sequencer.”
Harry stared blankly at Node. Was he supposed to understand any of this? “A what?”
“Never mind that. According to the manifest, the item is missing.”
“Is it some sort of weapon?” asked Djerke.
Node beeped again, less aggressively. “Not precisely, but … it might explain our cat problem.”
Djerke twitched as something cast a long shadow across the pavement beyond the door, his hand dropping to his belt, which held a blaster pistol.
“Shh!” he instructed. “What is that?”
Moping and muttering by the door, the camp counselor appeared to be completely unaware of any outside threat. In fact, he was turning toward exit and appeared to be taking steps to leave.
“Oh no,” Harry whispered, then shouted, despite Djerke’s warning, “Steve, look out!”
Confused, Steve paused, his head already halfway out the door. Whatever was out there, if it was a threat, he was now an easy target.
A small voice sounded from outside. “Meow.” It repeated itself, this time more insistent. “Meow.”
Steve looked down. “Oh. Hello there.”
A moment later, there was a chorus of meows, more than one little animal could possibly account for.
“Oh my,” said Steve, tilting his head to look back into the workshop. “These … cats … I think they’re hungry!”
Harry wasn’t sure when it had happened, but Wally and Karsten had stopped playing. The latter was now whimpering at Harry’s side. “Oh no, Uncle, do you think they’re going to eat him?”
“Yeah,” said Wally, his voice trembling, “the robot said they’re carnivorous. My teacher taught me that word, warning me to run if I ever encountered a predator.”
“I know that word!” shouted Karsten. “That means they hunt and eat donkeys!”
Harry had learned those words back on Cern, too, when he’d learned to speak the Lord’s Tongue, which he now knew to be Galactic Common. The cats he’d seen so far looked anything but threatening … but there sure were a lot of them out there.
Djerke, who’d been on high alert, had relaxed and lifted his hand away from his belt.
“Aren’t you going to save Steve?” asked Harry.
“From what?” scoffed Djerke. “They’re just cats.”
“Hungry cats,” said Karsten, still whimpering.
“Well, go feed them then.” The human pilot suddenly sounded angry. “I’m certainly not going to do it!”
Steve had backed into the workshop, giving Harry a glimpse of what lay beyond. Sure enough, there were several cats peering in. Whatever they were thinking, they didn’t appear hostile.
“Node?”
The robot beeped in reply.
“Can we use the replicators to make the cats something to eat?”
Node beeped again.
“Why are you beeping?”
There was a pause. “It’s fun.”
Harry fixed the robot with his best mean-face, starting to get frustrated by the lack of a straight answer. “Node,” he said, doing his best to sound like an angry pirate.
Node sighed. “Oh, lighten up … yes, I can produce cat food.”
More and more cats were collecting by the door, and some had crossed the threshold to pad into the workshop. They were all meowing, getting louder and more insistent with each passing moment.
“Good,” said Harry, easing up on the angry pirate act. “I think we’re going to need a lot, and fast!”
19
What’s worse than cats?
Steve pried his disbelieving eyes away from the dozens of cats huddled around the fabricated bowls, half of which were filled with water, the other half with kibbles of catfood. This was, indeed, a miracle. He couldn’t deny the result, but that didn’t mean he had to accept that the little robot was truly responsible. Though there didn’t appear to be an Overlord present, perhaps it had played a silent hand in the events unfolding now.
Trying to keep the awe out of his voice, he asked the robot, “How did you do that?” The same robot, who had only hours prior made a complete fool of him on Harry’s ship.
“Uncle, he’s an Overlord!” exclaimed Gospel, startling a nearby cat but not enough for it to abandon its conquest.
Node sighed. “Do we have to do this?”
“A humble Overlord!” she crowed.
“I’m not an Overseer, alright? But please, feel free to keep worshipping me.”
That was ample evidence for Steve. This robot was no Overlord, miracle or no. Wherever they had gone, they were long gone.
Undeterred, Gospel nuzzled up alongside the robot.
“I’ll pass.” Steve scanned the workshop for a place to stand and enjoy some blessed silence.
The pilot, Djerke, addressed Harry pointedly, “Captain, if someone has been in here, they may be dangerous. We should return to SS Bray and report our findings.”
Node beeped. “Agreed. I’ve made a copy of the reverse sequencer design, as well as access logs. I’ll need time to analyze them. I should also mention that my remote bot’s charge is below fifty-percent…”
Wally and Karsten, recovered from their quivering moment of fright, whined their disapproval. “Awww, do we have to leave? They’re so cute.”
Then, they returned to cooing over the few cats that had stepped away from the bowls. One hid beneath a nearby table, its eyes fierce. Another cat wandered past, the stealthy cat leaping out of hiding to pounce on its victim. The two were a blur as they tangled briefly, then sped off, bolting out the door and into the streets.
Only then did it occur to Steve to think about his fourth charge, who’d remained back at the ship. “If there’s a threat … Trogg could be in danger.”
“Oh, no … you’re right,” Harry replied, eyes wide.
“Of course, I’m right.”
The dolt sprinted toward the door, then peered back. “We’d better get back! Are you all coming?”
#
Back at the docks, the ramp to the SS Bray was still down. Not one but two pairs of dirt-encrusted prints led up into the cargo hold. Neither set matched their hooves, boots, or treads.
There was only one possibility.
“Shh!” whispered Harry. “Someone’s aboard our ship.”
The kids immediately ceased their incessant chatter.
Steve wasn’t about to quiet down, not before he got a word in to maintain the upper hand as the only appointed Elder Council member present. “I knew leaving Trogg behind was a bad idea. If anything happened to him, it’s your fault, Harry. Just like last time...”
He’d expected a denial, but instead, Harry’s ears drooped as he said, “You’re right. I’m the captain. I have to take responsibility.”
Djerke held a hand up to silence them.
Steve quieted, if for no other reason than his maneuver with Harry had somehow backfired.
The human pilot drew his weapon and crept up the ramp, then cursed as he reached the top. Harry, who’d followed Djerke, hooves clanking noisily, drew up short and tilted his head.
Steve hastened up the ramp behind them.
Djerke kept his weapon outstretched and aimed into the cargo hold. “There’s only one thing I hate worse than cats.”
“What?” asked Steve, then promptly shut up as soon as he got a better view. Two someones had made their way aboard, but only one was visible inside.
Harry said, “Woah, that looks like a…”
“Mouse,” supplied Djerke.
Sure enough, the startled bipedal being had small, rounded ears, beady eyes, a pointed snout … and whiskers.
20
You never write
“Hands up where I can see them, or I’ll shoot,” called out Harry’s least-favorite friend.
The mystery mouse-person, adorned in a plain blue jumpsuit and white lab coat, was quick to comply. Their snout sounded pinched and nasally. “Please, don’t shoot! I mean you no harm.” Her whiskers twitched as Djerke drew near, pistol aimed between the eyes. “Uh, you must be this ship’s occupants.”
“No shit,” replied Djerke. “What are you doing here?”
“Hey!” Harry trotted forward before the kids could crest the ramp and witness any violence. “I’ve got this.”
Djerke’s lips pressed together in a frown.
“Put the gun down, please.”
“Yeah, put the gun down,” repeated the stranger in a high-pitched voice.
The request was met with a huff of resignation. “Whatever, it’s your funeral … Captain.”
“Thanks, who—”
Harry paused as the door leading to the rest of the ship hissed to life. Trotting out, looking as happy as Harry had seen him, was Trogg followed by an even stranger looking person who no doubt matched the second pair of prints.
The tall, furry blue something, wearing a matching lab coat (and nothing else), glanced about the hold. When its eyes found Djerke, it unexpectedly started jumping up and down with excitement.
“I thought I’d never see you again,” it shouted, its voice deep and sonorous.
“Doctor … Blookus?” Djerke let his pistol clatter to the floor. “What are you doing here?”
“I could ask you the same thing.” The furry, blue doctor ran forward and wrapped its arms around a wincing Djerke, picking him up into the air, before setting him back down. “I keep writing, but you never write back!”
The rogue massaged his arms as soon as the doctor released him. “Uh, yeah. I’ve been busy.”
“Too busy to write an old friend?”
Harry poked his head between the two, craning his head to get the attention of the friendly intruder. “He helped us overthrow a dictator, had a baby, and now he’s giving us guest lectures on piloting a starship!”
“Ah.” The doctor took a large step back and peered down to see who was addressing him. “And who are you?”
“This is my, uh, friend, Harry,” supplied Djerke, then pointed toward the ramp. “And those are his students, who are learning how to be pirates.”
The doctor followed Djerke’s gaze. “I see … very nice.”
Harry couldn’t help but notice, at eye level, two large antennae-like objects poking out from the doctor’s midsection. He knew, from being a tick, that antennae were what helped an insect feel, smell, taste, and sometimes hear. But, he’d never seen anything like that on a humanoid before…
Djerke, for his part, studiously avoided looking down. Harry’s role as captain apparently forgotten, he asked, “So who’s your friend?”
“Ah! This is Doctor Peepers.”
“Seriously?” asked Djerke.
Perky for the first time since joining Harry’s academy, Trogg enthused, “Yeah, she’s so cool. How did you do it, Uncle? I asked for a mouse and you delivered!”
“Umm,” stalled Harry.
The mouselike doctor drew her lab coat tighter, as she squeaked with indignation. “This human is your friend, Doctor Blookus? He’s offensive.”
Harry interrupted before Djerke could cause further harm. “Say, you wouldn’t mind telling me what you’re doing on my ship, would you?”
They might be strangers, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t be friends. And, he’d have to ask Node later why the ship’s computer hadn’t bothered notifying him of their guests. Even as the thought occurred to him, Node’s remote bot wordlessly crawled back to its charging station and went still.
With an affirming tone, Doctor Blookus replied, “Excellent question.”
“Thank you,” replied Harry.
“You’re welcome.”
Djerke rolled his eyes. “Really? Captain, he didn’t even answer you.”
“I know.” Harry smiled. “But he’s so polite!”
The other doctor, Peepers, took a couple steps toward her companion, still glaring at Djerke. “Our ship notified us of your arrival. Since you didn’t answer the comms, we came to see who it was and if you might be able to assist us. Only, your ramp was down and you weren’t here.”
“Except for me!” exclaimed Trogg, interjecting himself for the first time in the exchange. “These doctors are awesome! They know all kinds of interesting things.”
“Indeed,” nodded the furry blue doctor. “Your young associate is quite inquisitive. He’ll make an excellent scientist one day.” He paused and leveled a frown at Djerke. “Did your captain say that you had a baby?”
Djerke lowered his gaze, staring at an uninteresting, spotless area of metallic flooring.
The doctor continued his rant, “You didn’t think to tell me? I thought we were closer than that!”
“I told you, I got busy,” the rogue muttered.
Eager to move past the awkward moment, Harry coughed. “Well, uh, this is fun. Why don’t we go into the commons and grab a few refreshments, and maybe you can tell us more about what you both do? Plus, there’s the whole cat-and-missing-population matter to figure out.”
The doctors exchanged opaque glances, and then Doctor Blookus spread his hands out wide. “Of course, you must have lots of questions.”
21
You going to tell her?
The doctors were full of answers, but few that made any sense to Harry. He may have been a pirate captain now, but that didn’t mean much when it came to science. The most important detail, as far as Harry was concerned, was that there was another friend that he’d yet to meet … a Doctor Hofstadter, who was in charge of, well, whatever it was they were doing.
Something about a dig site.
Doctor Peepers had since excused herself to report back in with their boss, while the blue furry, Doctor Blookus had stayed behind to catch up with Djerke.
Now they were on the bridge, and Harry had just finished catching Tone E Robbins up on what they’d found so far. The galactic supervisor had excused himself and exhorted them to “keep up the excellent work!”
“It’s a curious coincidence that you’re here, when no one else is,” Djerke was commenting. The thought hadn’t even occurred to Harry, but if accusation was intended, Doctor Blookus hadn’t picked up on it.
“Indeed,” the doctor replied. “But how exciting that we are able to reconnect!”
Harry was ready to listen in, but he was interrupted by Node.
“Incoming transmission, Captain. It’s the SS Girlboss.”
He sure missed his friends, especially the bad-ass captain and Redbeard. “Oh great, put them through!”
“Captain!” Harry shouted in greeting as the screen lit up. Only, it wasn’t Captain Cass. Nor was it Redbeard.
It was Kitt, and she looked none too pleased.
Harry had nothing against Kitt. It’s just that she was generally a little bit scary, and a lot surly, most of the time. “Oh…”
“So?” she asked.
“I wasn’t expecting to talk to you again so soon. Were you wanting to give the students another science lesson?” He’d have to call the kids away from the commons, where he’d left them with Steve to eat snacks and play.
“No.” This was getting confusing.
“Okay, so…?”
“You’re on my home planet,” she hissed. “Tell me what’s happening!”
Harry perked up, comprehension dawning on his face. “Oh…! Right, of course. You want an update, too.”
Kitt folded her arms and glared into the camera. “You going to get on with it?”
“Well, we’ve uh, run across some…” He trailed off as he glanced at Djerke, who was gesturing wildly with his hand, his fingertips tracing over his lips. What’s that mean? Harry wondered briefly, then thought about what he’d been about to say. Cats. If there was one thing that set Kitt to violence quickly, it was comparing her to a cat. Would she take offense if he told her the truth—that the city was literally filled with cats?
“You were saying?” Her eyes were wide as saucers.
“I have good news and bad news.”
“Go on.”
“The good news is we’re here, and we’ve found some new friends to help out!”
Doctor Blookus stepped toward the center of the bridge, so that Kitt could make him out. “Hi!” greeted the doctor, waving at the screen.
She squinted and an ear twitched. “Great … I see you’ve united with someone who actually tolerates that idiot pilot. So, what’s the bad news?”
“Uh.” Harry exchanged glances with Djerke again. The door to the bridge slid open and Harry glanced back, expecting to see someone. “Huh, that’s weird. It doesn’t normally open itself.”
“Get on with it!” Kitt shouted.
“Right, so—”
Kitt hissed and uttered a strangled mewling sound. “What is that?”
Harry looked around, confused. “What?”
And then he heard it.
“Meow,” said a small voice. Djerke scooped it up off the ground and scratched its head. Harry stared in confusion. Hadn’t the rogue insisted that he hated cats? Maybe having a baby was softening his resolve.
“This is,” he said, “an orange tabby.”
“Are you mocking me?” Kitt demanded.
“What? No!” Harry protested. “I wouldn’t do that!”
Redbeard leaned into the frame, peering around Harry’s bridge. His eyes widened as he took in Doctor Blookus, then widened further when he noticed the furry little bundle. “Blimey, is tha’...? Ye mean-spirited bastards!”
