A matter of heart, p.23
A Matter of Heart, page 23
I feel the sincerity of his words on my lips as his move against mine, the truth of his conviction in every butterfly that beats in my chest as his hands move across my body and then lower still to where I’m achy with need. “I love you,” he whispers to me, over and over, like it’s a benediction, and I let these blessings soothe the freshest batch of wounds my heart has collected.
Our minds merge, and as fireworks explode in my body and behind my eyelids, I no longer think about what I’ve lost, because I know that, in reality, I’m so damn lucky to have what I have.
On the way to the Transit Station, Jonah offers to stay back. It’s what I’ve wanted all along, but I tell him he’s being ridiculous, that of course he has to go, and that he shouldn’t worry. That he should focus on what’s important, and that’s the mission he’s going on.
I think he wants to argue, but by this point, the Guard on his team have found him and are urging him to hurry. It breaks my heart to let him go, but I do it. There are people out there counting on him right now, both nons and Magicals. The region he’s going to needs stability. These latest uprisings he’s to set off ought to get the local population heading in the right direction.
My parents disowned me. That’s nothing compared to an entire region of people deserving a change.
“Go,” I urge him one last time. I’ve got a big smile on my face that fools everyone but him. “I’m fine. Go.”
His goodbye kiss is reluctant, but he does as I ask. And yet, when he walks through the portal, the overwhelming loneliness that creeps into my bones is excruciating.
I go home and crawl back into bed and sleep the rest of the day. Thankfully, I do not dream.
I’m standing in front of the lounge where my class should be. But there are no students, no so-called professor. Instead, there is a sign saying: Class cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
I dragged myself out of bed this morning for this?
I wander around Annar aimlessly, knowing I ought to eat but not feeling hungry enough to do so. I can’t even bother with the hot dog cart. I’m just about to go home and sleep some more when someone sitting two restaurants down catches my eye. And it’s not so much that it’s Kellan that draws my attention, it’s the drop-dead gorgeous redhead he’s with. She’s leaning towards him, a slim, elegant hand on his arm as she talks.
I’ve been told, over and over again, that he dates a lot—possibly even more so now that we’re friends again. I know this, and up until now, I haven’t been too bothered with it, I suppose, because it’s never been real to me.
Watching him with this insanely beautiful woman, though—my vision hazes green.
It’s completely irrational. My own wedding is two months away, and just until the last two minutes, I’d been mourning Jonah’s absence so strongly that Cora accused me this morning of acting like he’d died.
I have no idea who this woman is.
I try to tell myself that, since we are just friends, I have no place to be jealous.
So why do I feel like ripping her hair out by the roots?
The next thing I know, I’m standing next to Kellan, smiling down at him with the super cheerleader smile he first met me with. I’ve got my emotions wrapped up nice and tight, so he can’t feel the poison streaking through my bloodstream like fire.
He starts when he sees me, and the most interesting look flashes across his beautiful face: like he can’t believe I’m actually alive and standing next to him.
“Hi!” I’m cheerfulness personified. “Funny running into you here!”
He quickly covers his surprise before the girl sitting with him can see it, offering up what I know to be a fake smile. Can she tell, though? “What are you doing? I mean, over here?”
I grin at the redhead apologetically before sitting down, unasked, at their table. “My class was cancelled.”
Surprisingly, the girl isn’t bothered by my presence at all. Up close, she’s even more stunning. Her skin is flawless and honeyed with just the smallest smattering of freckles across a pert nose. And her hair . . . good gods, it’s the most gorgeous red, the kind that movie stars have, the kind that makes every girl drool and wish it were hers. It glows in the sun like liquid gold on fire, so dazzling I swear every man walking by stops and stares. To top it all off, she’s got these very light blue eyes, rimmed with dark indigo.
She looks like a goddess.
I officially loathe her.
Kellan clears his throat. “Sophie, this is Chloe Lilywhite.” There is a small pause, in which he clears his throat again. “Jonah’s fiancée. Chloe, this is Sophie Greenfield.”
Sophie, who I note didn’t get a relationship clarifier, smiles sunshine and flowers at me, extending a perfectly manicured hand. I take it, squeezing perhaps a little too hard. A childish urge to wipe my hand on my dress overtakes me.
“It’s really nice to meet you,” she says, and dammit, her voice is gorgeous, too.
“Class was cancelled?” Kellan repeats, his cuff already rotating around his wrist.
He’s nervous. I scratch at a bump in the white linen covering the table. “So says the note on the door.”
“That happened to me before,” Sophie says, practically oozing sympathy.
I merely stare at her, my idiot smile not reflecting how I’m really feeling at all.
“So, you were . . . heading home?” Kellan asks, bringing my attention back towards him.
Yes. And I ought to go now. “I—”
“You should eat with us!” Sophie exclaims. “We just ordered. I’m sure we could get the waiter back.”
Meeting this woman was one thing. Spending time while eating with her? I’d rather have a lobotomy, thank you very much. “Oh, no, really, I—”
“I won’t take no for an answer. I’m quite tenacious, you see.” She grins, her teeth perfect and movie star white. Does she have any defects? “Here, let me go get someone.”
She stands up, showcasing the enviable body she has. It’s absolutely, disgustingly flawless, and when she walks, she glides. I no longer think every man is watching her. I know it.
Every man, that is, except Kellan. Who is staring at me like I’m a nightmare come to life.
“Chloe,” he murmurs, and I swear, it sounds like his voice is shaking, “I . . . what . . .” He inhales slowly, like he’s centering himself. “I can’t sense any of your emotions right now.”
It’s the first time either him or Jonah has pointed this out. “Oh?” I say, still picking at the tablecloth. The cheerleader smile is gone.
He says nothing. His eyebrows are drawn together, his brow scrunched, like he’s trying to puzzle me out.
I can’t risk him learning about my trick. I also can’t deal with this—jealousy over someone I have no right to be jealous over—on top of what went down with my parents. I lurch to my feet. “I’m going to go now. Sorry if I interrupted anything.”
“Wait.” He reaches out and grabs my arm, and this here, this touch, is the first I’ve felt from him since Hawaii. Tingles zing up and down my arm, my spine, and everywhere else, making me feel like I’ve been electrocuted.
My shield cracks for the tiniest moment from our skin touching. He jerks his head up and stares at me, shocked, before I slide my arm away from his hand and smooth the crack out. And then confusion fills his face as he grapples to understand what I’ve just inadvertently let him feel.
“The waiter will be over in a sec.” Sophie’s back, handing me a menu. “Have you been here before? The calamari is to die for.” And then she notices I’m standing. “You’re not still thinking of leaving, are you?”
“Um,” I clutch the menu against my chest. “I really should . . .”
Her eyes widen dramatically “No!” She pats the seat I’ve vacated. “Please stay. You don’t know how long I’ve wanted to meet you!”
Huh?
“Sit,” she encourages, and I do sit, hard onto the chair. “Kellan and I were just talking about how fun we think the party tonight at the Leviathan will be. Will you be coming?”
I hold the menu up so I don’t have to look at her and her incandescent beauty. “I don’t think so.”
“That’s too bad,” Sophie says. “Kellan tells me you and his brother are homebodies, but I keep hoping you’ll come hang out with us.”
Us? US? “I . . . we tend to, uh, not go to many parties,” I say idiotically. I can’t even see the words on the menu. Oh my gods. This woman, this Sophie, she’s . . . she’s . . .
Everything I’m not.
Which is available to Kellan.
I should not care about this. Why can’t I stop caring about this?
Sophie talks some more about this party tonight, which, frankly, I haven’t even heard of until now, and whom she expects to see. She doesn’t notice that I’m not saying anything, how I’m still hiding behind the menu, or that Kellan is answering in small, noncommittal ways that indicate he’s grossly uncomfortable.
I know this about him. Does she?
Is this a first date? I wrack my brain for what Jonah’s told me. Kellan has a lot of first dates. Occasionally there are second dates and, very, very rarely, there may be a third. There are never fourth dates. And, mostly, there are no dates at all. There are just hook-ups, which Jonah disapproves of.
It’s almost laughable that Jonah and I have no sex yet are in a committed relationship and Kellan has way too much without any relationships at all.
I should not be thinking about Kellan having sex. Not if I want the restaurant to remain in one piece.
“Ma’am?” The waiter is standing over me, pad and pen in hand.
There is silence at the table while everyone waits for me to order. I feel like eating less right now than I did two hours earlier, and then I’d only been not hungry. Now the threat of food is enough to make my stomach churn. Plus, my head is pounding. So I order the simplest thing on the menu—a house salad with no dressing. Iceberg lettuce is mostly water, right?
The waiter tugs the menu out of my hand and I reluctantly let it go, bitter to lose my shield. I try not to cringe under the weight of Sophie’s stare.
“So!” she says. “You and Jonah, huh?”
I nod, shifting my fork and knife around.
“That’s great,” she coos. “He’s a looker, that one.” She nudges Kellan and laughs. “But this one’s cuter. When’s the wedding?”
Jonah and I never, ever discuss the wedding within earshot of Kellan. This one question multiples the uncomfortable factor of this little tête-à-tête, complete with a third wheel, by a thousand. “Um, about two months?”
“Oh, I love weddings. I can hardly wait!” Sophie turns to Kellan. “You must be so excited.”
He doesn’t even bother to make a noncommittal sound this time.
She’s just begun to ask me where the wedding will take place when Kellan’s phone rings. He pulls it out and apologizes, then moves away from the table to answer it.
Once he’s out of earshot, Sophie leans closer and says, “He’s the best, isn’t he?”
The cheerleader smile stretches as far as it can go when I nod.
“Being engaged to his brother and all, you must know Kellan well.”
I force myself to perform just as well as I used to during a football game. I exude confidence and happiness when there is none to be found. “Yes, we are . . .” Connected. Star-crossed. Hopeless. “Extremely close.”
A dreamy look consumes her. “I have never fallen so hard in love with anyone before. It’s been crazy these last few months. Insane. It’s almost embarrassing how in love I am with him.”
MONTHS?
Caleb snaps to attention in my mind. Whoa, Chloe, calm down right now—
Months, not one date, not two, not three, but whole frigging months of dates when Kellan doesn’t date? He loves me, I’m his Connection, OHMYGODS what—
China and glass rattle all around me. Caleb forces me to count to ten, then twenty, willing me to calm down before I do something I’ll regret.
And still, Sophie isn’t done with me yet. “We’d been friends for awhile, you know. Which is a nice way to start, even though . . .” She giggles. “I’ll tell you a secret. I fell in love with him the moment I saw him. I had to have him, was relentless in pursuing him. I knew he and I were meant to be.”
She puts a hand on me, her horrible, beautiful hand that’s touched him, and Caleb barks at me not to start screaming or destroy anything.
“I’ve tried to get him to set up a double date with you guys, so we can get to know each other. Think of the fun the four of us could have.”
Leave, Caleb yells, leave now, for the love of all that’s good in the worlds . . . JUST LEAVE.
But she’s still talking, still touching me. How does she not see that the table is close to blowing sky high? “I really want to get to know the people who mean the most to Kellan. I figure, if we’re going to make a go of this, a serious one like we both want, we should share things like that. I mean, we’ll be sisters someday.”
SHE DID NOT JUST SAY WHAT I THINK SHE SAID.
I stand up, throwing out wild excuses as why to leave at the moment. My phone is ringing, even though it’s clear that it’s not. I have an appointment. I have somewhere to be. And then I spot Maccon Lightningriver across the street and yell his name as loud as I can.
Sophie stares up at me like I’m the lunatic I’m acting like.
“My friend,” I say, smiling as big as I can. “Him. I mean, Mac. I, uh, we’re on the Council, and we’ve got . . . Council stuff . . . so . . .”
Mac comes over, takes one look at me, and slides his arm around my waist before kissing me on the cheek. And then, horrors upon horrors, greets Sophie like they’re old friends.
Am I the only one in Annar who doesn’t know this siren?
“I’ve been looking for you,” I tell Mac. His dark eyebrows rise, so I rush to continue, my words too fast, “You know. Work stuff? We need to talk about work stuff. We’re supposed to meet today. For work stuff.”
He stares at me, hard, but relents, like I knew he would. “I was just coming to find you.”
I very nearly collapse in relief.
“But Chloe! What about your salad?” Sophie asks, taking a step too close to me.
Kellan returns to the table, not smiling in the least. Mac is, though. Mac is smiling like a Cheshire cat. His arm tightens around my waist, his head drops to lean against mine as he greets his friend. Or is it frenemy? Because Kellan looks like he could kill Mac right now.
“Chloe says she has to go,” Sophie tells Kellan. “I guess she and Mac have some sort of date?”
This goes over as well as a lead balloon with Kellan. He opens his mouth to no doubt say something nasty, but Mac cuts him off. “Dinner date.” He pauses before adding slyly, “A work dinner date.”
Sophie claps her hands. “We should all go together! And then maybe we can all go to the party afterwards?”
NO! “Work stuff. Boring!” I practically shout. My face hurts from the fake smile. “You’d be bored. Right Mac?”
He’s got his lazy grin on now. Even still, he winks at Sophie. Or possibly Kellan. Or the both of them, but for radically different reasons. “Right. Boring.”
I am so going to slap him for that later.
Sophie loops an arm around Kellan in a weird attempt to mirror Mac and me, which is painfully awful, because Mac isn’t my boyfriend. But she does it because she’s in love with Kellan. She’s not a hook-up. And then, because it can only get worse, her head falls against Kellan’s shoulder, her body so close that too many parts are touching his.
Silverware rattles on the table. I grip tighter to Mac, willing myself to calm down.
I have no right to feel like this. No right at all.
I made my choice.
Jonah, not Kellan.
I made my choice.
I made my—
“You Muses don’t deal well with boring,” Mac practically purrs to Sophie. “Am I right or what, Kellan?”
Kellan makes no comment. Sophie laughs, though. “You Council members are so cruel towards us poor Muses. We’re like second-class citizens to you all, or worse yet, the butt of your jokes.” She says this like it’s a joke, but there’s just enough of a bite to come across as genuine.
Kellan says quietly, “Lizzie Pinkston and Chloe are tight, Sophie.”
And . . . that’s got Sophie backpedalling. “Really? I adore Lizzie! She’s such a doll. As a matter of fact, we were out with her and her lovely Graham just last night! I love those two.”
I meet Kellan’s eyes and am glad he can’t feel the shock of betrayal shoot through me. “That’s . . . great.” Double dating with one of my closest friends. HOW COULD LIZZIE?
“Seriously, you two,” Sophie’s saying. “Let’s all go out tonight and—”
I manage to kick Mac in a way that hopefully neither Kellan nor Sophie sees. He says right over her, “Sorry, Soph. Like I said before, Chloe and I have business. See you two later?”
“Wait,” Kellan says, but I smile some more, even though my mouth hurts from doing so, and tell them how I hope they have a lot of fun tonight. And that I’m glad I got to meet Sophie, even though I’m not, not even in the tiniest bit, and I let Mac steer me down the street until they are no longer in my eyesight.
My friend doesn’t say anything as he walks me home, even though he must be confused and dying of curiosity over what happened back there with Kellan and Sophie. He just holds onto me, a friendly arm around my shoulder while I tremble, but he lets me be.
“Do you want me to come in?” he asks me once we get to my building. “Get Etienne over here with some of his tea? We could gossip, you know. About work stuff. Or make Jens Belladonna voodoo dolls. Lady’s choice.”
I shake my head and give him my first sincere, albeit wobbly, smile of the day. It doesn’t last long, though. In fact, it dies within seconds.
