A matter of heart, p.25
A Matter of Heart, page 25
I don’t let myself think about Jonah, because it will only bring me to my knees. I don’t think about Sophie and how her heart is about to be obliterated thanks to me. I don’t think about how I’ll probably be hurting Kellan, too, in the long run.
Because what I’m thinking about is how part of my heart is his and always will be, no matter what. No matter how much we pretend differently.
I don’t know whose lips touch whose first, but we’re suddenly kissing in the middle of my kitchen. It doesn’t matter who started it, though, because the moment we do, everything else fades away.
There is nothing, no one else.
Eventually, we stumble into the living room. I honestly can’t figure out how we find the couch, because we never stop kissing, never let go of each other. I fall back against the couch first, pulling him with me, and then I’m tugging his sweatshirt off and he slides my robe off, and while we’re nowhere close to being naked with my tank top and his t-shirt, it still feels so much better to have skin to touch.
We continue kissing, the passion between us incinerating my insides to the point I can literally feel nothing else but him. Not the couch below me, not the cashmere against my skin, not his shirt, nothing, nothing at all but pleasure. And then, his t-shirt is even too much, so I tug that off, too, and my mind just goes blank with how wonderful he feels against me. At how many places there are to kiss and discover. Of the feeling of his hand, under my shirt, on my bare breasts.
He whispers against my ear, “Oh, gods, Chloe,” and we just cannot find ourselves close enough. Every part of my body seems to be up against his, but it doesn’t feel like he’s close enough, not even remotely so.
Our hearts thrum against each other, in unison, both racing so fast, like we’re running at top speed, like they’ll burst from exertion. Can a heart do that? Literally, physically burst from racing so fast? Because when he touches me like he is, I think I’d risk anything for it.
When my cell phone rings the first time, I ignore it, because nothing is more important than this. But when it rings a second time, Kellan pulls up, breathing hard and looking confused. Me? I’m trying to tug him back down to me.
The phone rings, twice, three times. Before I can tell him to ignore it, he reaches over onto the coffee table and picks it up so he can hand it over.
I have to hunt for my voice, as he’s stolen it away.
“Chloe?” It’s Lizzie, and for the life of me, I can’t remember why I’m so pissed at her. “Are you okay? You sound . . . have you been running?”
I laugh to keep the hysteria at bay. “Can I call you back later?”
“Well, I’ve been trying to call you all evening,” she complains. “Are you avoiding me?”
I ought to just hang up on her. “Of course not,” I gasp. “I . . . uh . . . need to go, okay?”
Kellan lowers his head and nips at my neck. Pleasure ripples through me so strongly I nearly drop the phone. I can barely hear her as his mouth trails down my neck. I’m so turned on, I think I might be delirious.
“Chloe?” Lizzie calls, and I’m forced to refocus. “Are you listening? I asked you if you’ve heard from Kellan tonight.”
This I hear. “Kellan?”
He stops kissing me so he can bring his ear closer to the phone.
“Yes,” she says, irritated. “Kellan.”
“Why?” He pushes my hair out of the way, taking his time as he pulls his fingers through my long strands. There are parts of my body turning to mush that I never knew were there.
“I ran into . . . a friend of his,” she says. “This friend, uh, said that they’d had a fight, and I thought maybe I’d try to find him. You know, be a good pal and help patch things up between them.”
She means Sophie. And that just infuriates me to no end.
Kellan pulls his head away from the phone and brushes his mouth against my other ear. “Hang up.”
So I do. It’s utterly childish, but I hang up on Lizzie. Kellan takes the phone from me, turns it off, and tosses it on the chair across from the couch. Then he looks at me, like I’m the most important thing in his universe, and there is no more room for anger. Not here, not between us, not when we’re finally together.
His hand runs lightly down my side, and I shiver. “Should I stop?” he asks, voice low and husky.
Should he? More like, should we. And the right answer is yes.
But, he’s mine. All mine. I love him, and he loves me. He wants me just as much as I want him. We’re Connected, and I’ve fought so long against what I really have no control over. I just don’t know if I have it in me to fight this any further, at least tonight. And as crazy as it is to think, I know my feelings for Kellan in no way diminish what I feel towards Jonah.
It’s completely screwed up, but it’s the truth.
I don’t answer him. Instead, we kiss until I almost can’t breathe anymore. Even now, I can’t stop. It’s nearly impossible to do anything but kiss him, taste him, feel him.
He surges into my mind, and I know why. He wants to make sure that I’m not seeing this, him as a mistake. He’s probably worrying that I’m doing this just to make him happy. It’s frustrating, because he’s got to have figured out that I need him, want him so much that I’ve been going insane. So, I let him see it all, see that I have no doubts.
Once he does, he attempts to slide back out of my mind, but I shake my head just the slightest bit enough that he hesitates, confused. And I don’t know why, but I choose to try to surge into his mind, too.
The first time we’d attempted this, over a year ago, we’d failed. My mind hadn’t been able to penetrate his, even though I tried several times. But that was before today. I pull at him, insisting he come closer. He doesn’t resist at all, his knee between my legs, his chest pressed against mine. And then the unthinkable happens.
Our minds merge.
Kellan is asleep behind me, his arms wrapped tightly around my chest. His breath is steady and deep against the back of my neck, a reassuring presence. I’ve only just woken up, and despite the lack of sleep, I’m not confused by what’s happened at all.
This is Kellan behind me. Not Jonah.
I’m not confused by any means. I am, instead, stunned. Because now, in the daylight, I’m fully aware of what’s happened between us.
We did not have sex, but we came perilously close. To top it off, our minds and souls had merged.
Karl and Iolani, even Jonah, had told me that such a feat was only possible to do with a singular person, just the exact perfect person for you. Your Connection. Most Magicals never got this experience, never come close to finding the person to do this with.
Yet I had. I’ve done this numerous times with Jonah. It’s bonded us in ways that have deepened the feelings we have for each other, strengthened our Connection to the point that it’s invincible. Connecting our minds and souls together has made Jonah so much more mine than the mere Connection bonding us together.
And now, with Kellan . . .
How is this possible, I whisper in my mind to Caleb.
He’s just as confused as me. I have no idea. I sense his sigh. You know what this means, correct?
The ugly truth hits me. I cheated on Jonah. I can’t even—
Caleb offers me a sour I told you so before going silent.
My eyes flick to the clock on the DVD player—it’s nearly ten thirty in the morning. Luckily it’s a Saturday, so neither of us had inadvertently missed any classes by sleeping in.
Kellan’s arm moves slowly, a reflex of his sleep, but it causes my heart to race once more. My whole body tingles in delicious, violent ways just being in such close proximity to him. Which is terrifying.
Because I just cheated on Jonah. And this is not okay.
I try, for the slightest moment, to imagine discovering Jonah doing what I’ve done with someone other than me, and it’s utterly unthinkable, unfathomable. Rage flashes hot and hard at even at the mere suggestion of it in my mind.
I am so messed up.
And then, I try to picture Kellan doing the same thing with Sophie. The same fury pulses in me, instantaneous and all consuming.
Oh gods.
When Jonah finds out…
I can’t let myself think about it. I just can’t. Because even though I’m lying in his brother’s arms, I cannot comprehend what would happen if I were to lose Jonah. I just . . . can’t.
He’s everything to me. But then, so is Kellan. Even though I’ve tried for so long to convince myself he isn’t.
I have no idea what I’m going to do. Sex, maybe, is one thing. Jonah might . . . well, I don’t know if he’d forgive sex, even though sex is something you can do with just about anyone, if you wanted to. But merging minds together—that’s not something you can do with just any person. It’s special. It’s a bond between people who are meant to be together. If he was to find out I’d done this, me, my idea, and with his brother, no less . . .
Faced with losing everything is enough to drive me into lip chewing mode. After about five minutes of fretting, I manage to work myself up into a full mental frenzy.
Because of my selfishness:
I’ve set me and Kellan back from whatever progress we’d made this year.
I’ve destroyed his chances of a potentially workable relationship with Sophie.
I’ve overlooked my commitment with Jonah, the one that I’d rather die than ever let go of.
I’ve betrayed both of their trusts so badly that I can’t be sure whether I’ll be able to look in the mirror again.
I love Jonah. I’m wildly, absolutely in love with him. He completes me in ways I never thought possible. He’s my very best friend, my confidant, the love of my life, the person who only has to enter a room to make me feel like I’m the luckiest girl in the universe. I struggle going two hours without seeing him.
I’d literally fallen apart when he’d simply kissed Callie the year before. Became catatonic. Seeing Kellan with Sophie . . .
That was before you merged. Things will be different now, Caleb warns, back for this last dig.
Kellan stirs, his head shifting. I slide down a little in his arms so I can turn around and face him.
Breathe, Chloe. Breathe.
His hair is disheveled, shooting off in several directions. Still, it’s utterly adorable and unbearably sexy. I smooth a few pieces down before he peeps an eye open through dark lashes. Confusion shines out for the briefest of seconds before it melts into contentment. My heart shudders with so much joy that I fear it might burst again.
How can somebody be so terrified, guilty, and blissful all at once?
“Hey there.” I pray my morning breath isn’t repulsive.
He doesn’t seem to mind, since he gifts me with that half-grin I adore. “Sleep okay?”
I nod. If only I could still be sleeping.
He kisses the tip of my nose. “Me, too.”
I can’t help but ask, “Even on this tiny couch?”
Two more kisses, pressed against my cheeks. “I’ve never, ever slept so well as I did last night.”
My heart flip-flops, making me worry it might just jump straight out of my chest. He feels this, because one of his hands slides down and stops over my heart. Then he slides his ear down so he can listen to the rhythm in my chest for a few moments.
I’m not sure what to do—laugh at being caught so affected by him? Shrug it off and say that this is normal?
After awhile, he takes one of my hands and places it against his heart. It’s moving in tandem with mine, irregular jumps and all.
Crazy, crazy, how can this be?
He brings his head back up next to mine, staring directly into my eyes. My breath catches in anticipation, and that beautiful flash of heat and tingling roars through me once more.
He kisses me very, very gently. Our lips and tongues come together over and over, the soft sound barely discernible in the silence of the apartment. It’s like I’m addicted to him, that I just can’t get enough. Even now, in the morning, he still tastes wonderful, enough to make me want to come back again and again so that his flavor never leaves my mouth for longer than a split second.
After a long kissing session, he pulls back, smoothing my hair down. His little half-grin is back, making it so that, if I were standing, I’d probably drop like a rock due to weak knees.
“What are you thinking?” I rub my hand against the morning stubble decorating his chin.
“I am thinking that I cannot believe I am here with you right now,” he admits in an extremely low, alluring voice.
I have no doubt why women fall at this guy’s feet, why they’re all crazy about him. He is so amazingly sexy.
“I know, I know,” I admit. “This is crazy.” Wrong. And yet . . . right?
“Absolutely,” he agrees, grinning. “Insane.”
“Are you upset this happened?” I whisper, tracing his jaw line down to his neck with a finger.
He studies me for a long moment. “It’s okay to feel conflicted right now. I’m conflicted, too. But I need to tell you this.” His eyes hold me still, his words soft against my conscience. “The last thing I am right now is upset. Do you understand me?”
I trace his collarbone all the way across his chest. He shivers, despite the apartment not being chilly in the least.
And now it’s his turn for his cell phone to ring. When he makes no move to answer it, I murmur, “Aren’t you going to answer that?”
He hesitates, but eventually sighs, holding a hand out. I reach over and grab his phone off the coffee table. And a huge bucket of ice water crashes down over me, because, it’s Jonah calling.
I drop the phone on his chest, my hand is shaking so hard.
Kellan sees my terror; his own hand trembles when he picks up the phone. He squeezes his eye shut briefly before taking a deep breath. When he answers the phone, he sounds like his normal self, not somebody who has been making out with his brother’s fiancée. Only his hand gives anything away. “Hey, J.”
I am unable to move, immobilized in fear. Oh gods, oh gods, what if . . .?
“Oh, sorry about that,” Kellan is saying calmly, “I had a lot on my mind. Kinda needed radio silence, if you know what I mean?”
I have no idea what to do. I AM THE WORST PERSON TO EVER LIVE.
“Oh, uh . . . actually, I’m at Chloe’s right now . . . we’ve been . . .” He closes his eyes again. “Talking about what happened.” I marvel in a weird mix of dismay and admiration at how he can make these words the truth and yet a lie, too. “I think her phone’s off; maybe that’s why you couldn’t get through.”
Kellan holds the phone out to me; I can’t take it. I’m too damned scared. “It’s Jonah,” he says, as if I already don’t know. When I leave the phone dangling, he places a hand gently on my head; courage I didn’t have before blooms, small as it is. I take the phone, hands shaking harder than before.
What do I do? What should I say? How can I ever, EVER explain any of this? Jonah’s name breaks apart as it falls out of my mouth.
Static hisses over the line. “Chloe, it is so good to hear your voice right now. I was really worried when I couldn’t get through to you or my brother.”
I am an awful, horrible, evil person. I don’t deserve his worry. His love. I close my eyes and fervently pray I’ll wake up from this nightmare of my own making. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s just, I usually can get ahold of one of you, especially Kellan, you know? I had this brief, fleeting panic that maybe the Elders had tracked you down once more.” He laughs, like he’s somehow to blame. “It figures that once I actually get a cell signal, I can’t actually get ahold of either of you.”
Kellan lays his head back down against the couch, watching me intently as I flounder on the phone.
I hate lying to Jonah. We never lie to one another. But if I don’t lie, I’ll lose him. I can’t lose him. I can’t.
I can’t.
“I’m sorry . . . my phone got turned off last night,” I whisper.
“Chloe, honey, you’re cutting out on me,” Jonah says, static filling my ear from his end. He’s right. My self-respect is cutting out big time.
I go to whisper another apology, but he says, “I’m glad you two were able to hang out since I’ve been gone. I hope you’re not mad I told him about the fight with your mom. I’ve been worried about you being alone.” He pauses, and I flounder once more over what to say. “I figure if I can’t be there for you, he should be.”
I close my eyes and let the guilt soak me. Because that must have killed Jonah to say to me, especially with him being on an entirely different plane and all.
“Your parents are fools for what they’ve done. I truly believe someday they’ll regret this bitterly, and it won’t be because I made them feel it. In the meantime—I know I keep saying this, but—please remember I love you more than anything, and . . . Kellan loves you, too. We’re your family and always will be.”
A flood of tears threatens to fill the entire apartment.
“Don’t go crying.” Jonah knows me too well. “Because I really was just buttering you up so you won’t be pissed off about what I’ve got to say next.”
He knows. Oh gods, he must know.
But he doesn’t. “We have to move to another area to complete the mission. I’m not sure when I’ll actually be coming home now. It’s so depressing, Chloe. But I guess I’ve done a fairly good job, because the rebels are really riled up and are marching against the Capital today. It’s just . . . awful. I . . . I hate this so much.”
It breaks my heart to hear him struggle. “I’m so sorry,” I choke out. “I wish I could be there, too.”
I’m trying not to look at him while I talk to Jonah, but I can’t help but catch the look of pain on Kellan’s face at this.
“Don’t be ridiculous. You’d hate it out here. It’s pouring nonstop, just like you warned me it would.” He pauses for a moment and I literally feel like I’m about to fall to pieces from the guilt. Static hisses in the space where my confessions ought to be. “I’ve been thinking . . . since the mission’s been extended, I think you should get Kel to take you somewhere. Away from Annar and your parents. Just—go lay on a beach and relax.”
