A matter of heart, p.30
A Matter of Heart, page 30
He’s smug. “Of course. But then, the better part of Downtown Annar thinks so, too—especially as everyone got to go home with armfuls of free flowers.”
More than just my face burns. “I’m not always the best at controlling my emotions, am I?”
“Did you notice the people around us when we left?”
I hadn’t, of course. I was too focused on Jonah and all of the wonderful visions of my future ahead of me.
“Everyone was drunk on love,” he whispers to me. “And, to be honest, a fair share of lust, too. I wasn’t too good at controlling my feelings, either.”
I pretend to be shocked while being not so secretly delighted I caused Jonah to lose control. “So. You love me?” I roll over and gently nudge him to his back, so I can push myself up over him.
His fingers trace the length of my hips, inwards to my thighs. I’m breathless in anticipation before his hands still. “What I feel for you goes above love.”
I pause, mid-way to his lips. My heart flutters uncontrollably.
“I . . . I don’t think I can describe it, even to you, Chloe. What I feel for you—it’s . . .” He bites his lower lip and stares up at me, his emotions more naked than his chest. “You’re my best friend. My favorite person. Someone I know I can go to when I’m happy or sad or anything in between. The only person who makes me lose control, who makes me so hot and fills me with so much want and need I can’t even think straight. The person whose lips are addictive,”—a thumb grazes my bottom one—“whose mind is more beautiful than anything else I’ve ever seen. You’re more than my Connection; you know that, right? The first night we met, I became the luckiest guy in all the worlds. I don’t think you truly understand what you mean to me.” His head turns softly against the pillow. “I don’t think you ever will.”
I try to find something, anything, to say to convey what I feel for him, too. But Jonah’s right—it’s impossible to put into words. So I do it the only way that can guarantee he’ll know what I feel: I open my heart up to him. Love—no, like he said, more than love—fills me up, overflows, and radiates through the room.
My lips find his, and then our minds connect and merge again until our bodies explode in ecstasy for the second time in less than an hour. The flowers I’d unleashed on Annar hours before were a paltry show to what rains down in my bedroom now. But I can’t help myself. I’m just too damn happy to try to control these feelings.
For twenty-four hours, I float on a cloud of pure bliss even after having to zap hundreds of flowers out of my bedroom. Jonah and I hole up in our apartments and do the domestic thing, pretending we’re already married. We turn the ringers off on our phones, order in food, and spend the better part of our time pushing the boundaries of the whole no-sex-before-marriage deal. But the frustrating truth is, for as much as we do to and with the other, I’m still a virgin. I’m a nineteen-year-old, incredibly sexually frustrated virgin who is engaged to be married to someone who, with a single glance or touch, can reduce me into lust personified.
He’s promised me forever. We’re forever. This is stupid. I’ve had four orgasms in the last day alone, him the same. Why are we waiting? What difference does it make?
“You’re doing it again,” Jonah teases, his voice nearly all breath and little sound. We are on the couch, attempting to watch a movie.
“Doing what?” My voice is no better.
He presses his forehead against mine, his damp hair tickling my cheek. It’s been warm today, and what with our marathon make out sessions, we’ve both just gotten out of the shower. Jonah, by the way, is totally sexy with wet hair. It’s got a slight wave to it, making me itch to twist my fingers up in the strands for hours. “Chloe . . . do you know how hard it is for me to keep my promise to your dad when you’re like this?”
Gah! “Screw my dad.”
“Is it truly terrible of me to follow that up with, I’d like to screw you?”
To say I’m delighted is an understatement, especially after the torture he’s put me through this last day and night. “Then you should.”
He pauses over me. I can practically hear the wheels turning in his head. I can definitely feel how much he likes the idea against my belly.
I press my advantage. “This here . . . this isn’t about my dad. Who I ought to point out isn’t even speaking to us anymore. It’s about you.” I gently nip at his earlobe; he moans and presses himself a bit harder against me. “And me.” I lay a trail of kisses down the length of his chin. “And us.” My lips graze his, so, so lightly, but it’s enough for both of our hearts to go into overdrive.
“I want you,” he whispers. “I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my entire life.”
I hook one of my legs around his waist and tug him closer. “The feeling is mutual.”
He trembles in my arms, but when his mouth finds mine, I know I’ve won. We’ve won. We’re kissing, and it’s the hottest it’s ever been—so red-hot that I’m shocked the room doesn’t go up in flames. Lightbulbs explode, though, and the television hisses and pops and melts down, but none of this is because of anger. No—this is all lust.
Love.
Wanting.
Need.
It’s hard to breath, it’s hard to see, it’s hard to think, it’s hard to do anything, anything, but feelfeelfeel every amazing, wonderful thing he’s making me feel, doing to me, it’s magic, real magic, he’s magic, and it’s like I’m alive, first time ever really alive and yet floating and ohmygods, OHMYGODS, I need to get his shorts off, I need him in me, want us to be one and—
And then he’s swearing in my ear.
Which cannot possibly be right.
Jonah pushes off me and I grab at him. “No, forget my dad, come back—”
And then I hear it. Pounding. And shouting.
“Dammit, Jonah! Will you answer the door already? We know you’re in there! Is Chloe there too? Neither of you are answering your phones! WILL YOU OPEN THE DAMN DOOR ALREADY? We need to talk!”
My focus is blurry. Jonah hands me my tank top and shrugs into his t-shirt. He shouts something about them waiting, but then it’s him who waits. He sits down on the edge of the coffee table and takes deep breaths.
I tug my shirt on and straighten my shorts, even though my body feels like it’s about to liquefy and my arms are useless as jelly. “Um, who . . .?”
Jonah has to clear his throat. He looks like he’s in physical pain. “The Guard. I think.”
More pounding and shouting. Jonah squeezes his eyes close and takes one more giant breath. Then he stands up and goes to answer the door.
I struggle to get my heartbeat under control before Zthane and Karl enter the living room. They survey the scene with wide eyes, which has a bit more destruction than I’d previously thought, before smiling weakly at me.
I didn’t think it possible, but I think I just might hate these two guys at the moment. They have the crappiest timing ever.
I attempt to smooth my sweaty hair down, even though I’m positive it’s plastered against my face. Jonah’s certainly is. “Have a seat,” he tells them before settling next to me on the couch.
Zthane tears his eyes away from the television as I repair it and lowers himself in a chair across from us. “Sorry for dropping in like this, but we’ve been trying to get ahold of you all day to discuss next week’s mission.”
No. No. NO. We are not discussing this right now. Not now. Not when things are perfect between Jonah and me. “I really think we ought to—”
Jonah interrupts me. “What mission?”
Karl tugs at the collar of his polo shirt and shoots me an exasperated look. “Let me guess. Chloe and Kellan haven’t talked to you about the meeting we had this week?”
It’s my turn to smile weakly. Bastard.
Ever the diplomat, Jonah says, “I’d like to hear the details from you.”
Zthane lays out the plan just like he had in our other meeting. Whether or not he notices Jonah’s gone completely still during all this is unknown. Karl has, though. He’s watching Jonah warily. “Currently, the mission is scheduled for a week from today. We’ll be focusing on the area you two went to high school in, as it’s a known location to the Elders for Chloe.”
My hand finds Jonah’s and squeezes. Every muscle in his body is tense.
“Glad to see you’re taking this rationally,” Zthane continues. “I must admit, after Kellan’s insistences of you forbidding us from including Chloe in the mission, we were a bit worried about talking to you.”
Jonah’s grip is close to cutting off the circulation in my hand. I refuse to wince, though. “Don’t be silly. Jonah understands what’s at stake,” I say, mustering cheerfulness. “And honestly, guys. You make it sound like he’s my dad and we’re in the Middle Ages. Jonah would never forbid me to do anything. Since this is my choice and all.”
“Of course,” Zthane murmurs.
Karl cocks an eyebrow up at Jonah. He knows better. He has a Connection. He knows the intense feelings that would come with such a situation.
When Jonah finally speaks, he surprises all of us. “I assume you’re looking to me to be the official Council liaison for the mission, since you’ve requested my presence and Chloe will be working.”
“Makes sense, with your influence nowadays, doesn’t it?” Karl asks. “I typically fill in for the role, but we figured things would be better sanctioned with your backing.”
Jonah issues a quick, tight nod. “Did you bring me the dossier?”
Zthane extracts a brown file out of the black leather messenger bag he’d brought in. “The latest Tracker reports are included, as well as specs on the upcoming mission. Chloe, you’ll need to familiarize yourself with everything, too.”
After they leave, Jonah opens the folder on the coffee table. He doesn’t say anything to me for what feels like forever.
“Let me explain—” I begin, but he closes the folder.
“Explain what?”
“Why I accepted the assignment.”
He turns to fully face me. “I already know why you accepted.” When my eyes widen in surprise, he clarifies, “This mission is important to helping figure out how to take down the Elders. Of course you’d accept.”
Well now. How refreshing. This is easier than I thought.
Or not. Because he’s still going. “But, I’ll be honest. I don’t want you to go. It took everything in me not to kick their asses for even daring to suggest using you. I’m still considering doing so.”
At least he’s not raving like Kellan had. Or blackmailing me into not going. “I can see that. When I first thought they were talking about you, I was going to tell them you’d only be allowed over my dead body.”
He laughs, but sobers quickly. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
I’m honest. “Things have been good between us lately. I didn’t want to fight.” I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do or not, but I continue, “Especially after Kellan and I fought over it.”
Jonah’s silence is unnerving.
I need to turn this away from where I stupidly just took us, and do it quick. I touch his ring. “This’ll be our first official mission together. That’ll be fun, right?”
“Under no circumstances will I ever find a time where I’m waiting for you to be attacked fun, Chloe.” He sighs and grasps my hand, more gently now. “It’ll be absolute torture. If anything was to happen to you—”
I can’t let him go there. “It won’t. You’ll be there. A whole team of Guard will be there. I’ll be safer than any other being on all the planes at that moment.”
He swallows. “Do you know what my dad was like, before he lost my mom?”
Ewan Whitecomb and my father could probably tie for the Worst Father award. He’s an unemotional and unattached distant parent who views his sons more as status symbols rather than loved ones.
“He was like me,” Jonah says quietly. “He was happy. In love. Had the worlds in front of him. When she died . . . he died, too. Or rather, the person he was died and a zombie took over. That’s what happens when you lose your Connection. Remember what it was like for us last year? When we were separated? Imagine that, times a thousand. Every second of every day, for the rest of a long-lived life you no longer wish to live, is pure misery and anguish. He wasn’t always an asshole, Chloe. Most people thought he was a really great guy.”
My heart aches for Jonah. For his dad.
“The same thing happened to Hannah too, after Joey died.” He looks lost as he talks about the people he considered to be his uncle and aunt. “You’re asking me to trust your decision, and I’m going to. But know it’s going against everything in me right now.” He moves closer, takes both hands in his. “I can’t lose you, Chloe.”
I raise our enjoined hands and kiss the backs of his knuckles. “You won’t. We’re forever, remember?”
When we kiss, all of the passion from the last twenty-four hours is missing. Instead, there is quiet desperation. And a hope, on both of our behalves, that we made the right choice.
The roller coaster of guilt and love that defines my life continues at a dizzying rate.
The day after Zthane briefed Jonah, I catch him and Kellan in an argument. I’ve just come back from running errands when I hear them yelling in Jonah’s side of the apartments.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, Jonah?”
I flinch and hang back, far enough that neither of them can feel the pull toward me. It’s so rare to hear them argue out loud to one another that I can’t help but morbidly listen.
“The better question is, what the fuck is wrong with you, Kellan? Going off on Zthane in front of everyone?”
“Are you serious? You want me to apologize for that? Please. I don’t give two shits what people might have thought about me arguing against Chloe’s involvement in this mission. You though—you basically just gave her the go-ahead to get herself killed.”
Jonah is beyond furious. “Did you ever stop to recognize that forbidding Chloe is pretty much a surefire way of getting her to rebel? Do you not remember what happened when she took off to San Francisco? She walled us up in a building!”
Silence.
“Jesus! NO. No, I am NOT OKAY WITH ANY OF THIS,” Jonah yells in response to whatever Kellan just said in their heads.
My stomach twists. Burns. I grapple for the ibuprofen in my purse.
“If anything happens to her, I swear to all the gods, Jonah. . .” Something is hit. A wall maybe?
A pause precedes, “Thanks for the heads up. But, frankly, Kellan, this isn’t any of your business. This is between her and me. So butt the hell out.”
“Fuck you, Jonah.”
I have to lean back against the wall to steady myself. I swallow a handful of pills, but my stomach only churns more.
“Yeah? Right back at you. Stop acting like you’re—”
“Like I’m what? Her Connection?” Kellan laughs bitterly. “Sorry, bro. No can do, but not for lack of trying. But the way I figure it, I’ve got every right to act the way I do and you’ve got nothing to say about that.” He pauses, then delivers the next blow with deft precision. “It eats you alive that she loves me. You like to pretend like you hold her heart, but you don’t. At least, not exclusively. Sucks, doesn’t it, J?”
Oh, gods. I’m seriously going to throw up. My stomach is on fire. I double over and hug myself. They’re fighting. Again. Because of me.
“Yeah, but the thing is—she picked me.” Jonah’s tone is just as cruel as Kellan’s. “She’s living with me. She’s marrying me. And there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.”
Kellan’s response sends another round of pain shooting through my stomach. “You think? Because I’m pretty sure that’s not true, J.”
OH GODS. What if he tells Jonah about Costa Rica? I can’t—I can’t—
I reach behind me and slam my door shut.
The arguing stops. Just like I knew it would. I can only hope it didn’t continue in their heads.
I’ve sat on the porch of the small, rented house twenty minutes away from where I grew up for the bulk of two days now, bored out of my skull. I’ve read a book and a half, three fashion magazines, completed six crosswords (okay, so they were easy ones, BUT STILL), and created several new playlists on my iPod.
There have been zilch Elder sightings.
Whatcha doing right now? I text to Jonah.
Watching you.
I roll my eyes. Seriously. Whatcha doing?
I AM serious. You think I’m going to let you out of my sight for 1 minute when you’re outside?
It’s endearing how Jonah refuses to ever shorten the word you when he texts. I scan the street, searching for the house he’s most likely in. I don’t know for sure which one it is, though. Zthane has the team rotating between houses and locations within a one-mile radius every so many hours. Jonah insisted on always being within a block of me, though.
So did Kellan, although I’d lay down money the two of them aren’t in the same location, especially after what happened when we first got back to California.
It went like this:
Kiah was hugging me hello when she noticed his ring. She squealed and made a huge production of it. Several other Guard came over and offered congratulations, as it’s a pretty well-known fact that if a Connected couple finds their rings, it’s the same as a marriage, certificate and ceremony or not.
But the thing is, apparently during their argument a couple days prior, Jonah never got around to telling Kellan about the ring. And I’ll freely admit to being a huge chicken and not telling him either, because 1) I couldn’t bear to hurt him, and 2) I’m selfish in the long run and still think about what went down between us in Costa Rica far too often, which is all sorts of wrong. Because I’m deliriously happy with Jonah right now, and things are good, and bloody hell, WHY CAN’T I STOP THINKING ABOUT KELLAN?
There was this Artic stare down between the twins once everyone moved on which triggered my trusty friend Guilt to rear its blackened, rotting head once more.
While Jonah was going over final details with Zthane and Karl, Kellan found me alone, in pretense of sweeping the house.
