Counting the seconds, p.2
Counting the Seconds, page 2
So, I didn't do it. It would be a cheap solution to this problem.
I can't promise I will write tomorrow, but I'll try.
Thinking more on it, what if I was suicidal and never knew about it. What if I am legitimately caught between a rock and a hard place? Maybe time is trying to save me from myself, trying to keep me away from doing something disastrous and permanent. Maybe this is all a trial to see the kind of character I have.
I’m just saying shit at the moment. Trying to make some sense out of everything, I guess.
Time will have to start eventually. I just have to wait it out.
——————————
Day 71
——————————
I didn't add it in yesterday, but my daily routine has currently been to exercise in the mornings, read in the afternoons and then learn something new (hobby-like) in the evenings.
It's not really important, but I figure you should know... you know?
I'm still here, ground zero in frozen world. Ignoring the loneliness and the static state of everything, it’s not so bad.
It’s just what it is.
Hobby-wise, I’ve started doing some painting and drawing. Drawing first, then using the paints to ‘bring it to life’ as artists usually put it. I picked up some tips on gardening when I had the errant thought of growing my own produce for the long days ahead before common sense reminding me that it was going to be a fruitless venture.
I cried then. Out of frustration. Out of desperation.
But whatever.
Whatever.
——————————
Day 100
——————————
Please... start again. Time please start again. Give me a breeze, give me a sunset. Give me something other than this.
Please…
——————————
Day 110
——————————
I think I've spent enough time crying. Honestly, I'm kinda ashamed about the amount of crying and shouting I've done. To bring you up to speed, I'm a long way from home.
I left when the crying got bad. Every day was just more difficult, and sleeping was still an issue. I had found a way to sleep in the house, but it meant using a blanket to block the windows and the door. It eventually made the house musty. You know, I don't think I've even mentioned the fact that showerheads or taps don't work.
Of course not.
That had made me cry too. After which, I made the dastardly trek to a river to wash myself. The very idea is making me smile at the moment, but it didn't feel that way. And yes, if you're questioning whether or not I had a bath all those days ago, I didn't. I believe my mind was on more pressing matters.
It's honestly enlightening how much a decent sleep and a decent wash can do to your mental health.
I know I title this entry as Day 110, but I don't know really. It just feels like something to keep track with really. The watch on my hand ticks on like it has always done.
Not sure why it works and everything else doesn't, but I've long dropped that line of questioning. There's no one with an answer sufficient enough to make me feel better about my situation.
I count the days when the hour hand has passed by the '12' position twice. I figure, that constitutes the 24 hours needed to be regarded as a day, right? Right.
Anyway…
I'm currently hiking towards the Miami. Not that I have anything grand in mind, but why not? I figure I can find a small fishing boat somewhere down south and make the journey towards the UK, you know.
See the sights. Explore Europe. Give myself some meaning in this current meaningless existence.
Before that, I guess I should write down the facts at work at the moment. For my sake and for a good record, I guess.
Everything and everyone is frozen.
I can move them around if I wish and use them however I want but once I let go, they stay exactly how I've left them. I can pick up a golf ball and throw it, and it will freeze in the air as soon as it leaves my hands.
I can pee, though the pee sorta freezes too. That was fun to experience. Luckily, with the form being ‘frozen’, I could clean up with a couple of wipes, with disinfectant for my hands and my sanity.
Nothing liquid moves. Nothing airy moves. Even fire is static. Mad, right? The heat from the sun is consistent and I want to say it makes the air stuffy but I’m not sure how I can even qualify that. It’s just what it is at the moment.
Food is usually fresh, but it doesn’t stop me from worrying about it. Objectively, last week’s fajita is this week’s fajita and it’s only the mind that stops me from taking it sometimes. Other times, hunger tends to lead the way, and I tend to follow.
New world problems and all.
I'll write more whenever I can. Well, as much as I can without getting frustrated with the journal.
——————————
Day 113
——————————
Miami still looks beautiful, even in its frozen state, to me at least. I, on the other hand, am not. I am drenched in sweat (that doesn't dry, mind you) and I think I can confidently say, I'd kill for some breeze. Or some fresh water. My water bottle is near empty so I'm having to take sips. Still, I'm not too worried. I can see a few shops in my view. I guess I'll leave a note for the staff. And some money. All the coins I have perhaps.
Or do I just take it and leave a note.
Or just take it.
I think morality will be the next hurdle I have to overcome. It does hurt to think of at the moment. I really just need something to cool off with first. Then see whether I'm ballsy enough to commit a crime.
——————————
Day 114
——————————
I'm not.
That would be destroying someone's livelihood.
So, I left a note.
Not that it’s any better.
——————————
Day 115
——————————
I'm on south beach.
The sea is still.
I can guarantee you that this will be one of the most unnatural things you see. Or won't see. I don't know. I've come to the conclusion that whatever it is that is keeping me captive in this time-hell is a danger meant for everyone. But because I've been so lucky avoiding danger, I get the unlucky straw of living through this.
I have been theorising on what the danger could be.
"What great horror will plague humanity?"
Couldn't be nuclear war.
Could it?
There's no way I can stop a nuke. Especially if it’s already in the air. It would be pretty jarring if I see it just hanging in the air about to drop. That would be rad. At least, I know there's a way out.
It could be a plague, but I worry to think on how to solve that too. I could study a myriad of science and biology books but unless I know what the plague is, it would be a waste of my effort. I’d have to find resources, chemicals, lab equipment and a working sample of the plague to analyse.
And that just sounds far above my paygrade.
All in all. I’m empty on reasons at the moment.
——————————
Day 120
——————————
I've spent the last couple days getting supplies for the journey. And as a result, I have left a string of notes in my wake, putting my name down, as well as my phone number. I must admit, it would be extremely disconcerting to receive a phone call now.
I've noted the names of the outlets I've taking stuff from in the journal. I figure, when it is all over, I can do another journey to say thanks, assuming I outlive this nonsense. The list is at the back of the journal, for you know…
I mean, if you're reading this, then I'm probably dead. If I am, please let them know I'm grateful. Please.
---
I've also found a boat. A speedboat.
It wasn't until I got on it that it occurred to me, I don't know how to ride one.
Funny, right?
An amateur like me, on the open seas.
Look at me. I'm the captain now.
Ha…
---
I found a manual for the speedboat, so I've decided to do a bit of reading on it. It's not like I'm in a rush. And I'm not particularly wasting time. I've prepared a small dinner for myself, cereal, bread and yoghurt, to have while reading. I’ve got some baked beans and a bottle of wine (that I had to break just to get the content out) on the side.
Talk about fine dining.
——————————
Day 124
——————————
I think I've learnt more about boats than I've cared before in my life. The manual had a lot of terms I didn't understand so I took a trip to the library yesterday to get some books to help.
I'm on my way Nerd-ville, or whatever it's called. Maybe nautical-ville.
Population? 1.
In any case, back to reading. I wouldn't want to waffle on to an imaginary reader while there's work to be done and things to be studied.
——————————
Day 126
——————————
So... after the amount of reading I've done; I won't be able to take the speedboat. I made an error in calculation. I forgot one of the new rules of my current status.
For the speedboat to be useful, the engine and rotor will have to be autonomous of my action. No matter how much I try to start the engine, the moment I become separate from the action, everything freezes in place. So, the rotor, or whatever, might spin when I turn the ignition but as soon as my hand goes off the key, the gears and wheels and cogs stop in place, and the spin stops.
So, in case it wasn’t clear enough already, all my effort has been so fucking useless.
At least, I can say I've learnt a new skill. I doubt I'll ever even get to use it. I mean, why would I? It’s not like there’s going to be another chance to sail across the sea. Can’t even jump into the sea and drown if I wanted to. I’m just stuck. Just… stuck.
I'm tired.
——————————
Day 130
——————————
The last few days were dark.
Had to leave a whole set of notes to the owner of the speedboat because that vehicle is not going to be of use anymore. I was struggling to see past my failures and honestly, I was drained. And I lashed out. Broke everything, screamed, shouted and cried till I couldn’t anymore.
I am drained.
But I think I'm peppier today, at the very least. I'm ready to take the time frozen world by the horns and ride it to hell. No return journey, I’m afraid.
Some harmful optimism co-signed by some weed.
(I’m sorry, Gregory Damasen. You weren’t using it and I needed it. So… I’ll buy you some if time ever restarts. I'm sincerely sorry. I've added your name to the list of people I plan to pay back so, yeah… See you. Eventually)
In any case, new day, new energy.
That's the goal of the day.
‘New energy.’
——————————
Day 131
——————————
I've decided to change my location.
I came to Miami for the scenery and the chance of a speedboat. Or maybe a yacht. Figured, if there was anywhere, I could find a good ride, it would be in the place that likes to show it off, you know.
Nonetheless, I've downsized my supplies a bit more so that I can return back to being more mobile but yeah, back on the move again. At this point, it feels like I'm on a pilgrimage. I don't particularly have any destination in mind, but I figure I can go up north. See somewhere new. I've never really travelled in real life so I might as well, right? Make a self-reflecting journey out of it, or something like that shit.
To find the promised land!!!
Or a place to spend the night... That's good too.
That would probably be best.
——————————
Day 138
——————————
Oh Georgia.
Beautiful Georgia.
Did you know it takes about 4 days of consistent walking from Miami to Georgia? Crazy, right? Resident fucking google maps over here.
I say this from a little tent in the forest. I walked into the state sometime yesterday. Not sure when, Not sure it's that important. I mean, fuck it, the sun is shining... Still fucking shining... For what? 130+ days ongoing. I'm shocked I've got a semblance of sanity left. And even I question that.
Honestly, I just want an out. I just want an out.
I want fresh air.
I want motion. I want the night sky. I want…
I want to speak to my parents. I want to hear a voice, or a sound or something. Just something to remind me that I'm alive and not suffering some sort of existential purgatory. I want to go back to work. The monotony of it. I can say, with a hand across my chest, I took basic consistency in my day-to-day life for granted because this is so much worse.
I had a crush on a lady who worked in the same building as mine but in a different company. A different office. The crush developed into a full-blown affection, which in turn led to a brief relationship. Nowadays, I find myself thinking about her. She loved me. I loved her. But I didn’t treat her right. I didn’t cheat or anything silly, but I know now I wasn’t the best boyfriend.
She wanted me to be so much more and I made her seem crazy for wishing the best out of me.
I was an idiot.
I wish I could apologise to her properly. Maybe, right some of the wrongs I committed in that relationship. A part of me wishes we were still together. Maybe we would be married now, or probably on our way to it.
I’m sorry, Pam. I’m sorry.
I'm just... I'm just going to stop writing now.
See you sometime.
"Time."
——————————
Day 150
——————————
I’m finally and fully hallucinating. I wasn’t sure before but there’s no other explanation for it.
I’m in the Hilton hotel, somewhere in North Carolina. It’s a temp stay but I’ve been enjoying the luxury suite a lot more than usual. Just another thing I’ve borrowed from others really. Anyway, one of the other things I’ve ‘borrowed’ in the last couple days or weeks, or whatever, is a pair of binoculars.
It’s for looking around really, though there’s nothing to look at.
Anyway, in the process of using it from the balcony of my room, I’ve seen movement on the road, in the distance. I’ve checked and double-checked. There is someone moving down on the road, and I’m torn as to whether or not I should go see for myself if it is real.
I guess... I’m scared.
It’s been five months (I think) since Time froze. Five months since everyone has been stuck in mid-movement. I am nervously excited to meet someone else, someone I can talk to... Someone’s whose voice I can hear.
But I can’t help but admit that I’m worried. Is there someone down there really? Are they going to be violent? I know I had a few dark times in the last few weeks. But it’s been a journey of self for me. I don’t know how it would be for them. What if they are going through theirs? What if... what if they are armed? I mean, will weapons work? I’ve never had any or thought to try any. Worse yet, what if they aren’t human.
I... I don’t have anything for safety. Might have to borrow a knife from the hotel kitchen.
Honestly, this is what I’ve wanted since this began but now, I’m genuinely terrified.
What if, like me, they are questioning their sanity?
What if they’ve just lost it?
I should know... I got close.
If I don’t write tomorrow... well... hopefully time has restarted, and someone can tell my tale.
——————————
Day 151
——————————
I am alive. And that’s the boring part of the day.
There’s definitely someone else around. They keep fleeting through the crowd and I keep running to catch up. At least, they are human from the little I can make out.
I’ll share more soon as soon as I’m done playing this game with our mysterious stranger.
——————————
Day 152
——————————
Hi…
I’m not the owner of this journal.
I shot the owner.
He’s not dead, I promise. He’s alive and well, but passed out from the blood loss, so I’ve tried to take care of him as best as I can, but I’m not a doctor. I’m not even a nurse. I.. I was freaked out, okay? I have not seen a human for... I don’t know... days and months on end. I was…
I am... losing it.
And there he was, waving his hands at me, like a mad man with a stupid smile on his face. I panicked.
And I shot him.
The bullet passed through his shoulder, so I’m grateful I didn’t have to remove the bullet. That’s what they do in movies, isn’t it?
You, uh... dab the wound with some alcohol, tear into it with a knife and fish around for a bullet. I think I might have killed him if I had to do that.
My name is Anna.
Anna McKinnoy.
I’m married. I have three kids, Mary, Jacob and Darren. I’m a stockbroker. Well, I mean... I used to be. I forgot to add my husband’s name, but his name is Trevor. I live in Elkridge.
I lived…
So, after I shot him, and cried... and tried to save his life... I managed to stabilize him, somehow. but I found his journal and I read it. I cried some more. Because for the first time since this whole shit began, I feel sane. I feel just about okay. I never knew loneliness could be so heavy. I miss my life, my husband, his kisses, his warmth, my sweet kids. I miss them, I miss them so much that I can’t cope.
