Counting the seconds, p.7
Counting the Seconds, page 7
It took the whole group a couple of hours before we found it.
But we found it.
And surprise, surprise... it didn't make a lick of sense to us.
Talk about tension building reality.
- Zane
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Day 256
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Most of us are milling around really. Me especially.
I took all my stuff to one of the offices in the building, far away from them all. Not because we fought or anything, but mostly to just be away, you know. I wanted the solitude.
Sounds insane, doesn't it? To want solitude in a world where loneliness is a default state of being.
I guess, on a level, I was just tired of having to deal with people.
That and finding out that we were really in a worse state than we thought. That was a major one, I think. No one knew how to deal with the information but the grimness hit us and we sorta just walked away.
I was also avoiding Anna.
For reasons.
- Zane
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Day 257
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The Silmarillion is a monster of a book but by god, I finished it. Fucking finished it.
I'd say half the stories were meh but the grand scale of the world Tolkien built will forever astound me. I keep thinking if I could be that kind of writer, you know. If I had the creativity to weave a tale so majestic that people will still talk about it years after my death. That would be so epic.
shitGenius came over to my little hole yesterday to hang out.
Anna joined him after a while, and after a while, the genius left.
She asked if she could write in the journal and I let her. Not sure why, but it's as much hers as its mine at this point.
- Zane
---
Anna here, I am not too good at dealing with my emotions, especially after Jaeger.
But I like to believe I'm trying.
Then again... if I was trying, I would be speaking to you, Zane... not writing it out in the book.
I was with him early on. Maybe say, day 10... when you were struggling and tweaking at the inability to sleep. So, he's had his way with me for far too long and far too often. He was sweet at first, like they usually are in the movies. Caring. Until they don't get what they want. And then it all changes. The rules and the slaps when you break a rule. The leery looks, the violent lovemaking, the hair pulling, the fucking dog-leash he used on all of us.
We weren't even his sex slaves. We were just the women he wanted. They got it much worse.
Sleeping has been difficult because I keep thinking I'd wake up one morning and he would be over me, with murder in his eyes. On some mornings, I wish for it. I figure it would be better to die than to survive whatever ordeal this is and have to return to my family.
Sometimes, he'd take me in front of their stationery forms. To remind me that he could kill them whenever he wanted. Before we started moving north of the country.
I keep thinking about what I'd tell them.
If I tell them.
I have avoided speaking to you for many reasons, the most important being the vulnerability I feel being around you. No, I'm not talking about catching feelings. I'm talking about how much I have revealed to you about myself. It might not seem much, but you have to understand…
You have to understand it is not easy for me.
When we were back at the camp, and I hid and wrote in your room, it was because you were the only person I could trust.
Actually trust.
And now that he's dead and we're away and free from them, the word is suddenly like lava in my heart and a pressure on my mind. I trusted him. See where that got me. How do I trust again?
I am sorry if it seems like I've been avoiding you.
I am sorry if I avoid you a bit more, though I'll try not to.
I'm just... struggling.
- Anna
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Day 258
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Fuck me.
Fuck me, that was rough.
She wrote all that yesterday, before stopping to bawl her eyes out in front of me. When I tried to touch her, she flinched and drew away so violently, I was worried she would break something. She kept apologizing before running off.
And then I read what she wrote.
I'm not going to pretend like I understand completely. But I understand enough.
She needs space. But I also feel she needs comfort. She needs a friend.
And I'm not sure I'm sensitive enough to be a good one.
Looking back to the last few days makes that very much clear that I've not even put in the effort to see how she was doing and how she was holding up. She revealed a painful memory to me, whilst reliving all the bullshit he had caused her and it still didn't occur to me that she needed someone to just check up on her to ensure she was alright.
Instead, we made her a leader and left it at that.
Fuck me, I'm a douche.
- Zane
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Day 260
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I've moved closer to the group. At least, closer to Anna. Figured she needed a friend around, after all the shit she's been through, you know. She awarded the gesture with a smile but we never discussed it. We never went back to the memory of two days ago. We don't have to. And I don't have to do anything but just be here.
That said, being here means I have to be... I don't know... active? I guess.
That's the only real rational thought at the moment, without coming off as... I don't know. I'm waffling.
A bit of... good news? I just shrugged so you should know I'm just as unsure as you probably are... BUT…
shitGenius finally revealed his name.
Out of the fucking blue, that was.
I think he was drunk because I did spot a bottle of what could only be alcohol sitting on the table as we talked about life and stuff. Part of me wants to say it but I don't think it's my place. He told me his name in an inebriated state, so I won't take advantage of that. I doubt he has told anyone else. So, no reveal until he makes it clear that I can.
Adam has been muttering much more than usual, but he seems a lot saner now, or at least that's what the genius says. He says the man keeps repeating numbers but they made no sense and they didn't match with what he had put down in the notes we found when we got here.
He's asking me to help.
Not sure how I can yet, but there are a few books on space and physics and stuff lying around.
Might grab one and read.
See where it leads me.
- Zane
"...Hope"
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Day 261
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Okay...
So...
I've decided to read some serious books. I work in IT so I'd like to think my maths skills are pretty decent. But I don't think decent quite matches up with the kinda shit these guys probably calculate on a daily basis. So, I gotta re-learn some mathematics and take some physics on the side.
It's like I'm preparing for a major exam.
Except I'm not quite sure the exam will make a lick of sense to me. Still gotta try though, right?
shitGenius managed to find a book on Further Mathematics, so I'm beginning with that. I've gotten a few sheets of paper, a pencil and I cleared a table to use for studying.
I feel like I should take a picture to remember this but ... you know.
Well... Studying time.
Down the rabbit hole.
---
Yeah... no…
Fuck "Further Maths"
- Zane
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Day 262
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Seriously, seriously... Fuck further maths.
How the hell do people read this shit and not lose their minds?
Argh…
---
This is supposed to be me taking a break for the rest of the day and writing the day's events but man, I'm so frustrated. And you, whoever you are, you're probably laughing at me, right? Laugh... Laugh all you want. Then go pick up a further maths book and read that shit. Tell me if you're laughing after.
Bullshit course.
Anyway... As it stands, the research duo is just Genius and I. Anna is still leading the group but I believe she's been focused on hoarding as much food as we can.
Something about that thought just reminded me of the IOUs I left in the early days of this living hell. We don't leave IOUs anymore. Not sure if it would make a difference at this point.
Tolu, Agnes and Mike managed to clear out a room for us to use as dining, moving the stiffs out into the hallway.
Now, that is a picture.
Imagine... just imagine a long hallway filled with 'statues' of people standing on both sides. Imagine walking down said hallway by yourself at night. Scary stuff, right?
In the sun, it's just eerie, really. Almost as if you're being inspected by teachers twice your age.
The others have expressed writing in my journal.
I'm not quite sure I even want to share it.
I might...
But I'll have to speak to Anna first. There are secrets here.
- Zane
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Day 264
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Hello everyone.
My name is Karen.
Karen Smith.
I'm... I mean, I was a working single mum before this all happened. I'm from Columbus, Georgia.
Erm... We kinda stole the journal from Zane. And by 'we', I mean, Casey, Trey and me. It's not like we wanted to steal it or anything but we've seen him constantly write in it, and we've been planning to read it but he's been very secretive about it. So, Trey sorta, like, got him drunk and we got the journal.
We've haven't read it through yet, but it looks exciting.
- Karen
-—
I'm Casey!
I agree with Karen. I mean, it looks like he's written a lot. I bet he has some interesting secrets in there, like maybe some crushes on some of the girls here. Maybe Anna. I think he's got a crush on her.
We're trying to write as much as we can before we give it back to…
- Casey
---
Trey here.
He's never getting this shit back, the fuck?!
At least, not now.
Gotta go through errthang. Crushes, secrets, his little secret sauce for the bombass pasta he made the other day.
We finna’ learn it all.
- Trey
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Day 265
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Hi everyone. I don't know who everyone is, but that is what everyone says at the beginning, I think.
My name is Tolu Ajayi.
I'm Nigerian.
I'm not sure if I was supposed to share that but it is what Karen and the others did, so I thought I should too.
She gave me the journal this morning. She said I should hide it away from Zane and that I should not read it. I don't know why. I feel like I should but I can't do that now.
Zane has been searching for the journal.
I fear once I start reading, I won't notice when he comes to look for it here. And I don't want to be in trouble.
After all, I'm not the one who stole it.
It was Karen and Casey. And Tray.
They don't seem as happy as they were though. They seem sad and they keep looking at Anna and Zane behind their backs. It might have to do with something in the journal. It's not my business, sha.
I just figured, “Let me write inside it before someone comes and kills me.”
At least, this way, I won't be forgotten in America.
I will never do holiday here ever again in my life.
- Tolu
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Day 266
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Zane has gone to sleep. He was angry before he went to sleep though because he couldn't find his journal. The same journal that I'm currently writing into. The rest of the guys, the ones who gave me the journal all pretended like they don't know who has it while giving me side-glances whenever he brought it up and I also pretended I don't know why they are staring at me.
I keep thinking that they will cast me. That they will talk and then Zane will get mad at me, and we'll fight because he would think I took it off him. I will cast them if they cast me. That much will happen.
Mummy Fadeke did not raise an idiot.
Sometimes, I dream of home. Of Nigeria.
To be truthful, I dream about home a lot. I'm not so dim that I think "Oh! if I was home, I would be safe". It's not like that at all. Nigeria is a mad country. It is home, but it is a mad country.
But it is still home.
If the days Zane has been counting is correct, then I have been away from home for almost a year. I miss the voices. The languages. The music. Some proper food other than pasta and sauce. Just something different. Something different to a static land refusing to move any more than it is refusing to release us. Before the camp, before the large guy took me away to work for him and his cult, I used to think that I will die alone and unknown. I figured I might go crazy before it happens. And the idea terrified me. But after the camp? After finding this group? I find that I just want it to stop. Not saying that I want to die but... At this rate, what else is there?
Anna is doing her best, taking care of us. I finally read a bit of what Zane has been writing. It seems that Anna has gone through some difficult times. Maybe that's why the other guys are acting weird. She doesn't look it though. Anna, I mean. She reminds me very much of my sister, Fadeke. They have this quiet strength that says "I will beat you up if you disturb me..." which she did a lot because I was stubborn.
I miss her.
And I hope Anna gets better…
Anyway, as I was saying.
There isn't much that happened today. Zane, Mr Genius and Adam spent most of the time reading. They are trying to study so that they can calculate some science stuff. It doesn't really make sense to me but it made sense to everyone else. Anna spent it reading about some story. Karen and Casey were kissing somewhere like they always do, acting like we don't know. I was... Well... I was reading a stolen journal.
I don't know where everyone else went to but when it was time to eat, they all showed up. So, I guess we're all still here.
Waiting.
- Tolu
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Day 269
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Karen here…
Alright, so I probably shouldn't have taken it from Tolu's stash without saying something to him but I have to write. I find myself thinking about everything Anna has said and I'm calling it BS. Pure BS. I don't think anyone can go through something like that and not crack. But no... here she is, working, reading, ensuring everyone's alright like as if she didn't go through anything.
Bull-fucking-shit.
I mean, if I went through something like that, I would barely be able to function. I'm not saying I'm weak, mind you. I'm just saying, you know. I can take the toughest shit thrown at me. And I can take it. I can handle the shit she went through but even I know that I wouldn't be the same after. She wasn’t the only one at the camp. She’s not the only one with family. I have a little boy waiting for me to return. I matter just as much as she does, and I’m not going around, whining to everyone about it.
See, I even tried talking to her after reading the journal. I asked her about home and about her life and stuff, and she gave me simple answers. About how her husband loved working with his hands in his garage fixing stuff. She told me about her kids, their schools, the antics they got up to. But she never mentioned anything to do with Jaeger.
I tried to pry too, you know.
Asked her about Jaeger and she clammed right up. Like she was hiding a secret.
I bet she was even friends with him. Or maybe just some high-school fling that turned into a mini-cult. I'm not saying that what she went through is not possible, but she definitely made a lot of it up. She doesn't look like a woman who's been through the shit she wrote down.
That's just dark fictional poetry.
- Karen
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Day 271
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Word is, everyone is leaving some kinda memo in this journal.
Figured I'd cash in… if you catch my meaning.
Ain't got much to say.
But just making a mark to say I've been here. To say, "I was here".
Can't say too much lest I become identifiable, you know. Everything's gotta be quiet and easy. A few diamonds here, a few golden trinkets there, all to make little-ol’ me become a well-off man.
"How could you?"
I can just about hear you say. And to you, I reply, "What else am I supposed to do when it's all there for the taking?"
Better yet,
"What's it to you?"
Time stopped; Morality stopped.
That's what I'm living by.
Especially after the camp, I need something to... soothe my broken self, right?
The way I see it... Everyone needs to find a way to cope in this broken messed world we are in. Time has decided our sanity doesn't matter anymore. So, we just roam and eat and roam and eat, without a care in the world. So why can't we take? It's not like it's in use.
