Its complicated, p.17
It's Complicated, page 17
“No, of course not, Gemma,” Sarah shook her head. “You shouldn’t think that it was anything you did. It’s got nothing to do with you. I think Harry was right. If he was uncomfortable having a drink with your friends, then he’s not going to be the one. Obviously he’s not looking for anything serious. And the fact that he asked you to sit on his lap,” she made a face, “I mean, that’s kind of telling, right?”
“What do you mean? He was just being flirtatious.”
“No. Flirtatious is what Lucas was doing when he gave you a quick kiss. I mean, that was cute and that was fun. But imagine if you’d said yes to Connor and you sat on his lap, what was he going to do? Like grind into you with us here?”
“I’m sure he wouldn’t have done that.”
“It was just weird,” Sarah sipped her drink. “I mean, I hate to say that because I don’t know him very well, but yeah, he is good-looking and yeah, he seems like he’s very intelligent and has a lot of different interests, but I think he’s a player and I think he’s most probably not got good intentions when it comes to you.”
“Yeah. I guess,” I let out a deep sigh. “Shall we order that pizza then? I’m feeling kind of hungry and I feel like I deserve it.”
“Girl, cheer up. It’s not like you have no one. You still have Lucas.”
“I know. And I’m happy about Lucas and he’s amazing. I just can’t help but feel that the rug got pulled from under me though, you know?”
“Well, I’m going to tell you something, Gemma,” Harry said seriously and I looked at him in surprise. “I know I’m not necessarily the person you want to hear this from, but I’m going to give you a piece of advice.”
“Okay, and what’s that?”
“Maybe don’t get too excited about any of these guys too soon. You don’t really know them, you don’t know what their intentions are and you don’t know where it’s going. I know you want to settle down and I know you’ve got a big family and they want to see you with someone, but don’t rush into anything. I don’t know if you’re still going on dates with other guys but have some fun. This is your time to really get to know someone else and yourself. Right? Go on another date with Lucas. Do what you got to do with Lucas, but don’t stop meeting other guys at the same time.”
“Really?” Sarah looked at him in surprise. “So now you’re telling her to be a player too.”
“No, I’m not telling her to be a player. I’m telling her to explore her options because honestly, this is the only time in her life that she’s going to have the ability to date up a storm. Once she makes her decision and settles down, that’s it.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” I nodded thoughtfully. “I mean, when I started this process, I wanted to give myself a lot of good options and I mean, dating can be fun. I guess I just can’t take it so seriously. I do want to settle down, but I do want to make sure it’s the right guy. You’re right, Harry. Thank you. I appreciate the advice.”
“Hey, no worries. I know you’re one of Sarah’s best friends and I know we don’t always get along, but I do want the best for you, just as I want the best for Sarah always, you know?”
“Thanks,” I said, feeling slightly embarrassed. This was the most emotional conversation Harry and I had ever had and I didn’t know how I felt about it. It was going to be very hard to hate him if he said and did nice things like this.
“Okay. So pizza, guys?”
“Yeah.”
“And girls, order whatever you want. Everything’s on me tonight.”
“No,” I interrupted Harry. “No, I invited you guys. It’s on me.”
“Gemma, accept it while it’s on offer,” he laughed, “because you know it’s not on offer a lot.”
“That’s very true. You’re a cheapskate.”
“I wouldn’t say I’m a cheapskate,” he grinned. “Okay. I’m a cheapskate. So, girls order whatever you want, I’m just going to go to the restroom and I’ll be right back, okay?”
“Okay.”
“And Harry?” Sarah asked as he stood up.
“Yeah?”
“Maybe we can go dancing later tonight, the three of us, and have some fun?”
“We’ll see,” he said with a smirk, “we’ll see.”
He walked further away from the table then and I smiled at Sarah, “You know what girl? You were right, he’s not half bad.”
“I know,” she said with a dreamy expression on her face, “that’s why I keep him around.”
We both laughed then. She leaned forward and grabbed my hand and her voice lowered, “I just want you to know, Gemma, that I agree with Harry.”
“Oh, what do you mean?”
“I mean, yeah, get to know Lucas better, but don’t become too fixated on him right away. Wait to see if he’s going to be the one and still keep your options open, okay?
“Okay, sure.”
“I just don’t want to see you get hurt. And a lot of times when we really want something, we accept something that’s not really meant for us. We try and make it work and maybe it will work with him and maybe it won’t, just enjoy the process and don’t let your family overwhelm you or make you make a decision that you’re not ready for yet. Okay?”
“Okay, thanks, girl.”
“You got it. Now let’s continue drinking, get some pizza and then have the best night because we both need it.”
“Yes, we do.”
We held up our glasses and clinked them together before drinking down the rest of our drinks. I listened to the music and closed my eyes, swaying back and forth and trying not to get too emotional. I was disappointed about Connor and how our date had gone, but Harry and Sarah were right. He didn’t owe me anything, I didn’t even know him. I couldn’t allow my emotions and my feelings to be turned upside down by a guy I barely knew. I needed to be okay with whatever happened. I needed to just go with the flow, have fun with it all. It didn’t have to be so serious. I didn’t have to have a long list of requirements. When it was the right guy, I would know and until then, I’d just have fun because at the end of the day, wasn’t that what life was really all about?
Chapter 18
Sarah: How are you feeling this morning? I have a major headache!
Gemma: Not bad. A bit angry at Connor for ditching.
Sarah: I understand. That’s so frustrating. But at least you have Lucas.
Gemma: Yes! And today I’m going to respond to some more guys!
Sarah: You go girl.
Gemma: Lol, I feel like the only place I’m going is to the madhouse.
Sarah: Oh no, why?
Gemma: I just feel inexplicably hurt by Connor and his BS. How dare he leave our date to go to work?
Sarah: It was rude. I bet he doesn’t have good intentions.
Gemma: He couldn’t fake it for an hour? Not like I was asking him to friggin marry me.
Sarah: Some guys are just too immature and have no patience.
Gemma: Well good riddance to bad rubbish
Sarah: Yup.
Gemma: The trashman just called and he’s gone!
Sarah: Oh Gemma! Maybe talk to him and see if he has a good explanation.
Gemma: There is no good explanation.
Sarah: Well, I support you whatever you decide, but try not to take it so personally.
Gemma: Girl, I’m so pissed and disappointed. I’m going to go and take a long bath with some lavender essential oils and Epsom salts. TTYL.
There’s nothing quite like a glass of red wine as you sit back in a hot steamy bath. The water enveloped my skin and was just that slightly bit too hot, but I liked the slight tingle. Bubbles were covering my body and I pushed them away, gently laughing as they disintegrated on my fingertips. I was tense and I knew I was in that weird emotional space that could result in crying or laughing. I took a couple of deep breaths and allowed myself to relax.
I wasn’t sure why I’d gotten so upset over Connor. Maybe it was because it reminded me of all the disappointments I’d had in dating previously. Many times I’d gone on dates that I’d thought had been great, where the guy had been attractive and flirting, and I thought we’d really had a connection. And then he just ghosted me or disappeared, and I’d never understood why. Was it something about me? Something in my personality? Was I not good-looking enough? What was it about me that had guys fleeing in numbers larger than I could count?
I didn’t care about any of those guys, they had just hurt my ego. But I thought Connor had been different. I’d thought we’d had something special. But I wasn’t going to let it get me down. There was no point working myself up and getting angry, angsty and anxious. I still had Lucas. And there were still plenty of other guys out there. I couldn’t allow myself to think that it was something wrong with me. Obviously, he had an issue. I didn’t know what it was and I didn’t care. I was done with him.
And of course, as life always goes, my phone started ringing in that exact moment that I decided I was completely over Connor. I reached my left hand over the side of the bathtub and picked up the phone that was sitting on the bathmat. I looked at the screen and saw that it was Connor. I wasn’t going to answer it. Let him stew. But I was weak. I needed to hear why he’d run out on me. Asshole that he was. I picked up the phone. “Hello?” I said, my voice cold, letting him know that I was not happy with him.
“Hey there, Gemma, how’s it going?”
“Good. You?” Short and succinct. He’d get the hint pretty quickly.
“Hey, I wanted to call and apologize.” He let out a low sigh. “I really fucked-up this afternoon and I’m sorry.”
“I’m not sure what you’re talking about,” I said, pretending that I was oblivious to the fact that he just ditched me on our date. Okay, maybe that was a slight exaggeration, but you didn’t just argue with a girl’s friends and then leave after thirty minutes to go and work for some no-name wanna-be musician.
“I can tell by your voice that you’re upset with me. And I feel I owe you an explanation.” He paused. “Like, I don’t necessarily expect you to forgive me, but I would like you to understand, because I think you’re a cool girl and I think I owe you that.”
“You can say, or do whatever you want, Connor. It’s your life.” I closed my eyes as I pressed the phone next to my ear, careful that I didn’t let it get wet in the water. The last thing I needed was for my phone to die because it got soaked by water.
“Look, I know you wanted me to meet your friends and normally I’m down for that. I think your friend Harry just really rubbed me the wrong way.”
“Okay, and that’s because?”
“I know he was only looking out for your best interests, but it kind of got me thinking, you know?”
“No, I don’t know. What did it get you to thinking?”
He let out a long sigh. “Look, I joined this app because I kind of had to, and honestly, I’m not really looking for a relationship. I’m not the sort of guy that you can expect to marry and have two-point-five children with and live happily ever after. That’s just not what I’m looking for. And I wanted to be completely honest with you about that.”
“Okay then, so then what was the point of us going on dates?”
“Well, I’m not going to say no to a date with a beautiful woman, am I? I’m not stupid.”
“Okay.” I could feel myself smiling slightly at the fact that he called me beautiful. At least I knew he didn’t think I was ugly. “Well, you know, I’m not exactly looking to get married myself right away, but I would like to know that the person I date is on the same page with what he’s looking for. So I guess we’re not looking for the same thing.”
“I know, and I owe it to you to be honest, and that’s why I’m being honest. We haven’t progressed physically in our relationship. And if we do, I want you to know where I’m coming from.”
“Okay,” I laughed slightly. “Are you crazy? Do you really think that we’re going to have any sort of physical relationship now? You just told me that you’re not looking for monogamy.”
“No, that’s not what I said. I said, I’m not looking for marriage.”
“Okay, same difference. Are you looking to be monogamous with a woman?”
He sighed. “Look, there’s all sorts of relationships out there. And I don’t know that you’re the woman that can sleep with someone that she’s not going to be in a long-term relationship with. But, I want you to know that I would still like to get to know you, I would still like to go on dates and I’m not ruling out the fact that we could be boyfriend and girlfriend. And if that was a monogamous relationship, I would be okay with that. If you also wanted to have an open relationship, I would be okay with that as well. I’m pretty fluid when it comes to relationships.”
“Okay.” I could hear the wheels in my brain turning. “When you say you’re fluid, does that mean that you’re bisexual?” I asked him curiously.
“No,” he chuckled. “I have absolutely no interest in men. I love women.”
“Okay then, so when you say fluid, you just mean that you’re open to different types of relationships with women?”
“Yeah. You know, there’s a lot of fun to be had. I mean, I don’t think I need to convince you of that, right?”
“Well, I’ve definitely had some fun in my life, but I’m not sure we’re talking about the same sort of fun.” I was curious though. What did he engage in and what would he be interested in engaging in? I didn’t want to ask him too many questions because I didn’t want him to think that it was ever going to happen with me because it wasn’t. I was looking for one thing in particular. I wanted to find the man that was going to end up as my husband and have kids with me so I could show my family that ta-da, I do have it together and you don’t need to worry, and let all the fishermen in Greece know, they do not have an American wife coming to take care of them and their parents.
“Hey Gemma, are you still there?” Connor cleared his throat in my ear.
“Yeah, sorry. I was just daydreaming again. I am actually in the bath right now, so...”
“Oh, you’re in the bath, huh? I don’t even have to ask if you’re naked.” His voice dropped.
“No, you don’t have to ask,” I laughed. “I think that’s pretty obvious, right?”
“Oh yeah, I know that’s pretty obvious, but where are your hands right now?”
“What do you mean where are my hands right now?”
“I mean, are you touching yourself?”
“Well, no. One hand is on the phone and I’m sitting up because I’m trying to be very careful not to get it wet.”
“Oh. Say wet again,” he whispered into the phone.
“No, Connor. I’m not going to say that. Did you have anything else to say?” I tried to keep my voice distant from him. He was turning me on, but I didn’t want him to know it.
“You’re still mad at me, aren’t you?” He sighed. “I really grappled with whether or not I should tell you, but I wanted to be honest, especially after your friend Harry made those comments to me earlier. I hope you understand that I’m just...” He growled. “I don’t even know what to say.”
“I understand what you’re saying, but we’re looking for two different things, so I don’t understand why you’re still trying to get sexual with me.”
“So you’re not even going to give me a chance?” He sounded upset.
“Why would I give you a chance? You’re not looking for the same thing as me. What’s the point of us even talking right now?”
“Well, maybe we can just see. Maybe we can have another date and figure something out?”
“I don’t know, Connor. Obviously there are other guys that are out there who are interested in dating me and I feel like I should just focus on them.”
“Will you give me one more date?” He sounded hopeful. “Please.”
“What’s the point of me giving you one more date? I just don’t understand. Why do you want to see me again?”
“I don’t want this to be the end. Haven’t you ever just wanted to be someone else, Gemma? Haven’t you ever just wanted to see life through someone else’s eyes? You know? Your family, the media, society tells you you need to live life one way, but maybe, just maybe, that’s not the way you want to live your life. Maybe that’s not what’s going to make you happy. Maybe you need to figure that out for yourself.”
I listened to his words and I could feel my brain turning over and over again. In some ways he was right. In some ways, I didn’t know exactly what I wanted. There were so many things to process and to take into account. What my parents wanted, what my grandparents wanted, what my friends expected, what I expected of myself. But I didn’t really know what was going to make me truly happy. “Fine,” I said, finally. “I’ll give you one more date. You plan it and I’ll come. We can do whatever you want to do, but that’s it. I don’t know that—”
“Shh,” he said to me. “Don’t say anything else, Gemma. “I’ll plan the date, please be open-minded, and then if you don’t want to ever see me again after that, you never have to, okay?”
“Fine,” I said. “I’m going to go now because I’m in my bath and I was relaxing and—”
“I’ll let you go, Gemma. Have a nice night, okay?”
“Okay. Bye.”
“Bye.” We hung up the phone and I placed it back down on the bath mat before sinking down into the tub and letting my head submerge into the water. I lay there underwater for what must’ve been thirty seconds before popping back up again. The water had cooled off and was slightly too cold. I turned on the faucet again so that hot water could pour back into the tub. What was I doing? Why had I agreed to another date with Connor? He didn’t want what I wanted. He was probably wanting to try and sleep with me and convince me with good sex or something. And that was exactly what I was trying to avoid. I didn’t want a fuck guy. I didn’t want a guy that was just interested in the physical. I wanted something else.
But as I lay there in the bath, all I could think of was his handsome face. And I knew. I knew I needed to see him at least one more time. Even if it was for just one more kiss. Maybe it would help me get him out of my system. Maybe it would help me move on and focus on the other guys, the ones that actually wanted what I wanted, the ones that were willing to give me a real future. One more date, that was it. And then I’d be done.
