How to win at pit fighti.., p.15
How to Win at Pit Fighting with a Drunk Space Ninja, page 15
part #2 of Duke LaGrange Series
“All that we want is for Ishiro’shea to be reunited with his parents. I don’t see how that conflicts with your goals.”
“What if he wants to defend his banshee of a mother?”
“If she’s as awful as you say she is, Ishiro’shea will see it too. Maybe she was the reason that he was cast aside and removed from his home. His presence might just strengthen the Father’s conviction and help you.”
Duke knew his argument was flimsy. He was banking on Seamus’ lack of critical thinking to push this partnership through.
The Irishman folded his arms and grumbled gibberish to himself. Then he concluded, “I’ll think about it. It does make sense.”
Duke smiled. Mazilda rolled her eyes at the mutant’s stupidity.
“After my next fight, let’s chat again,” said O’Hoolihan. “I might have some more information by then anyways.”
“What information?”
“We have some folks working on that photo and identifying the whereabouts.”
“Cross-referencing some of the background images, I’d suspect,” said Mazilda. “Angles of the light, barely visible serial numbers on items, type of soil or pavement. They can be used to trim the possibilities down to a few systems and maybe a hundred or so planets.”
“Sure, I guess,” responded Seamus, with much less enthusiasm. “All I know is that I should have some more information tomorrow.”
“And why are you in the tournament?” Mazilda asked pointedly.
“Like I said, I have my reasons.”
“Seamus, if we are going to work together for both of our benefits, we need to be open and honest,” pleaded Duke.
Potato Lips sighed again.
“Fine. We heard some chatter that someone else here was hot on the heels of the Father and his witch queen.”
“Do you think that was us?”
“Nope. I was entered in this tournament long before you crashed into the Shaman’s table. Someone else.”
“Who?” asked Mazilda.
“No idea. I thought it was that Jungafallowian but I haven’t found anything on him. If he knows something, he’s good at being discrete.”
“There are a lot of unsavory types here,” concluded Duke. “We will keep our eyes out, Seamus. You will be the first person we alert if we catch on to something.”
Duke stood up and walked over to O’Hoolihan. He extended his hand. The mutant brute squeezed it so hard that Duke swore he heard a bone crack.
“Quite a grip there, Seamus.”
The mutant conjured up a misshapen smile.
“Let’s go find us Ishiro’shea’s father.”
“The Father,” Seamus replied.
“Right, a father, the Father. Po-tay-to, po-tah-to.”
Seamus snarled. He had clearly never heard that expression.
Chapter 20
Randy and Zel… Again
[Broadcast opens on the announcers’ booth.]
Zelarious Zan Alon: Fight fans, welcome back to the Tournament of the Shield of the Colossal Calamari! It’s day two—well, day three if you count the melee night—and this is shaping up to be the greatest event in the tournament’s rich history. We’ve had upsets. We’ve had death-defying feats of strength. We’ve had surprise attacks. And we’ve seen a record broken—and then broken again moments later. It has been nothing short of amazing!
Randy: Beep. Yep. Boop.
Zelarious Zan Alon: You are truly the most dynamic color man in the business, Randy. And what a day we have planned. In the opening round, we witnessed Sulaw, the beautiful Hiritai warrior advance over Not Very Good at Math from Zylantia, and she will now take on Yvonne “The Furry Mountain of Moon Colony #1” Angerdlarnek. The Furry Mountain was able to overcome a very game Reginald the Mega-Troll.
Randy: Beep. Finally, some girl-on-girl action. Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: I predict it will be the hardest-hitting bout of the evening. They are both fierce combatants and have a real shot to win the entire tournament. The winner of that slugfest will meet the winner of the match between Seamus “Potato Lips” O’Hoolihan of Earth and Combatant 2, the Jungafallowian, in the next round.
Randy: Beep. Yikes. Not exactly an easy path for any of them in that bracket, Zel. Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: Agreed. Potato Lips disposed of Tor-torta of Krawn with his own flames, in one of the most dramatic finishes in the first round. Combatant 2 made waves across the universe by attacking Gjrazzel, the hometown hero, during the Grand Entrance. He then proceeded to shatter Maxx Gemstarr’s record for quickest victory mere moments after Gemstarr set it. He leveled the poor Kitar in a mere six seconds.
Randy: Boop. Boop. I’m not sure that he can be stopped, Zel. Not even by that mutant Irish thug. Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: But you know who probably benefitted most from Combatant 2’s unprecedented attack on Gjrazzel?
Randy: The unknown bum, Duke LaGrout. Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: You are absolutely right. The lightly-thought-of bounty hunter, Duke LaGrange of Nova Texas. He was able to take advantage of a hobbled and blinded Gjrazzel to win. Despite Gjrazzel’s physical limitations and injuries, LaGrange still had to push the rules and regulations to sneak out a victory.
Randy: Beep. I think he should be disqualified. The rules clearly say no firearms. Beep. Boop.
Zelarious Zan Alon: Most are on your side, Randy, especially those in attendance. But the Shaman did clear his use of the butt of the gun, so LaGrange does advance. But we can’t underscore enough the valiant and noble effort made by Gjrazzel in this tournament. What a true champion.
Randy: Beep. And damn LaGregg. Boop. Boop.
Zelarious Zan Alon: He doesn’t get a free pass, however. He now has to square off against the winged warrior from Planet F, Glux Xyphormog II, who was able to get a win over Jorb, the sludge monster from Karr, by using his own acidic spit against him.
Randy: That was some nifty flying, Zel. Beep. Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: Indeed. He did lose his prized two-sided halberd in the battle, but I’m sure that he will be ready for the Nova Texan. And the crowd will be solidly behind the Royal Guardsman from Planet F.
Randy: Beep. I know I will be. Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: I think we’re supposed to be impartial, Randy.
Randy: Beep. Screw that. Duke can go “Glux” off. Beep. See what I did there? Boop.
Zelarious Zan Alon: I did, Randy, yes I did. Finally, the round will end with Maxx Gemstarr, fresh off of a sub-ten-second victory over a Gyorkian Blademaster—impressive stuff—and the feisty Gurlfian Goother Rat, Gha. Gha had one of the more unconventional wins in the tournament—and no one is happier than one of our key sponsors, Willie’s World of Galactic Winnebagos. It’s a real testament to the flushing power of a Willie’s brand Winnebago.
Randy: Beep. I wonder if Jin-Jin-Jin ever escaped? Boop.
Zelarious Zan Alon: I’m not sure. And I don’t want to be there when he does, that’s for sure.
Randy: I’m really excited, Zel. Beep. This is going to be a crazy day. Who’s up first? Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: It looks like we are going to see your guy, Glux Xyphormog II, try and end the upset streak caused by Duke LaGrange, the bounty hunter from Nova Texas.
Randy: Beep. I hate that guy. Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: But first a word from our sponsors.
[Uncle Tofu’s Adventure Land commercial plays.]
[Willie’s World of Galactic Winnebagos commercial plays.]
[The broadcast opens to a wide shot of the arena.]
Zelarious Zan Alon: We have the best sponsors, don’t we, Randy?
Randy: Beep. Yes, edible roller coasters and toilets with the suck force of a black hole. Hard to beat it, Zel. Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: Despite the early exit of their favorite son, Gjrazzel, the crowd is packed and buzzing with excitement today.
Randy: Boop. Boop. The unfair exit of Gjrazzel, Zel. Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: The lights are dimming and the trumpets are sounding. Here’s our first competitor. It’s Glux Xyphormog II! They love him and... Whoa! Look at that! Those are some impressive aerial moves!
Randy: Beep. No doubt. It’s hard not to root for this crazy insect. Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: They sure are behind him in this fight. However, I’m not sure if it has to do with their love for this insectoid warrior or their hatred for our next fighter. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen—and greeted by a rousing chorus of hate-filled heckles. I’m not sure what those hand gestures mean on his home world, but I have a feeling that the crowd isn’t appreciating it.
Randy: Beep. I’ll give it right back to him. Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: Get your hand back in here, Randy. Don’t stoop to his level. Let’s send it down and get an official introduction for these two.
Arena PA Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen and beings from all corners of the universe, welcome to the quarterfinal round of the Tournament of the Shield of the Colossal Calamari! This match is the opening contest of the day and will be a fight to the finish. Introducing first, from the majestic world of Planet F, a member of the most prestigious military unit on the planet—the Queen’s Royal Guard—he’s the master of the double-sided halberd and has sired over three hundred and forty thousand royal larvae for the Mother of the Empire, the queen herself. It’s my honor to introduce the being that defeated Jorb, the sludge beast of Karr—this is Glux Xyphormog II!
[The crowd goes crazy.]
Arena PA Announcer: And his opponent, from the harsh and barren world of Nova Texas, a two-bit offshoot of everyone’s least-favorite planet, Earth. He’s an unheralded bounty hunter that takes advantage of other’s misfortune and uses illegal weapons to knock out injured competitors. He also claims to be a playboy—whatever that is. He’s the melee victor—which he also won by pure luck. It’s my job to have to introduce Duke LaGrunge.
[The crowd does not go crazy.]
Arena PA Announcer: Correction. Duke LaGrange.
Zelarious Zan Alon: The Nova Texan seems to have irked the arena’s PA announcer, even.
Randy: Beep. Now that’s impressive. Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: Now on to the match itself. I really don’t see how LaGrange can pull this one off. It’s an uphill battle for sure. First off, Glux is healthy. He doesn’t have his two-sided halberd, but he has a standard-issue variety and he’s still lethal with it. Second, Glux can fly. Third, he trains every day of his life and is constantly in danger’s bullseye as one of the most revered soldiers of the imperial force. Fourth...
Randy: Beep. We get it. This is going to be a blood bath. We can finally be done with this LaGoop character. Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: The referee is reminding these two contestants of the rules, or lack thereof.
Randy: Boop. There are barely any rules, but LaGrotch still managed to break them. Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: To be fair to Duke, Randy, the decision was made that his use of the gun was legal. We have to move on, no matter how despicable this guy is. But, he doesn’t have the gun with him now. It looks like he was given one of the house clubs, a pretty basic bludgeoning instrument; I don’t see a talent like Glux Xyphormog falling victim to something as basic as a wooden stick.
Randy: Beep. Let’s go, Glux! Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: They both have retreated back to their sides of the arena and we are about to get this on.
Randy: Beep. I think this will be a quick one, Zel. Beep. Boop. Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: And Glux is on the attack! He just ran across the arena and now he’s laying into Duke with the halberd. Or trying to. LaGrange seems to be blocking it pretty successfully with his club. Oh, wait! He’s down on his backside. Glux is not letting up! He just missed LaGrange on that jab. Duke gets to the barrier and gets to his feet. Another halberd strike just misses. Oh, this does not look good for the Nova Texan.
Randy: I can’t believe he’s dodging these! Beep. Boop. Get him, Glux! Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: What a kick by the Royal Guardsman! Duke is on his back again. Here we go! Glux is up in the air, hovering, there he goes... Duke moves! The halberd is stuck in the ground. It’s not moving at all. LaGrange swings the club and connects. He then uses it to smash the halberd in two.
Randy: Beep. Glux is not having much luck with halberds in this tournament, Zel. But I think he’s fine. That love tap by LaGrout didn’t do any damage. Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: You’re right. It did appear to be a glancing blow. Glux recollects himself and charges again, Duke swats at him. No avail. Again. Nothing. It’s obvious that the bounty hunter won’t be able to slow down Xyphormog that way. Another sweep by Glux, and Duke swings. Glux grasps LaGrange’s forearm in mid-swing with his foot. I have never seen that before in my life. He snatches the club and flies above the reach of the bounty hunter. Glux throws the club into the audience!
Randy: Beep. He wants to make this a one-on-one battle. No weapons. Just the epic struggle between humanoid and insectoid. And I don’t like LaDork’s chances. Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: Okay, Randy, now you aren’t even trying anymore.
Randy: Beep. What? Boop.
Zelarious Zan Alon: Another diving attack by Glux, and he tackles the bounty hunter. They roll for a few paces and disengage. Another swift thrust kick by Glux and Duke hits the ground. He takes flight and charges the downed bounty hunter. He connects again! This is not looking good for Duke LaGrange. Glux hovers, Duke is up... and back down again. This time a kick to the back of the head. This could be the beginning of the end for the Nova Texan.
Randy: Beep. Finish him. Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: Glux swoops in and grabs the bounty hunter between his legs. Oh, I think I know what’s happening now. Glux is lifting the woozy LaGrange in the air. He’s going to dangle him high above the arena. Duke will have to either embarrass himself by giving up, watched on by a viewing audience of billions and effectively ruining what little reputation he may have in the outside world. Or plummet to his death.
Randy: Beep. A squishy death, Zel. Boop.
Zelarious Zan Alon: Right you are, my tiny metal compadre. Very squishy indeed. Glux is gaining elevation. LaGrange isn’t moving. He might be out cold.
Randy: Beep. So if he’s out cold, that means he likely won’t answer, huh? Beep. Boop. So, that means Glux will have to...
Zelarious Zan Alon: Send him to splat city.
Randy: Beep. Alright! Boop. Boop. Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: They’re high in the rafters now. The crowd is loving this. As impressive as Glux’s fighting ability is, the fact that he can carry a full-sized humanoid to these heights using only his legs is a testament to his strength and conditioning.
Randy: Boop. No wonder the queen loves this guy so much. Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: Here we go. Glux appears to be asking the motionless bounty hunter to tap out. Give up. Submit. I don’t see any signs of life from LaGrange.
Randy: Beep. Is that eye opening? Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: Oh wow, fight fans! Shocking. LaGrange was playing dead. He just swung his body upwards and kicked Glux square in the jaw. That’s a pretty sneaky move and shows that Duke may have some fight in him. He’s now firmly grabbing Glux by his ankles but he’s still dangling from the height of the upper deck. He’s playing with fire. Glux is trying to shake him, but Duke is holding on. He’s moved up and now has a firm grip on Glux’s left thigh. He’s trying to mount the insectoid. Glux starts a speedy dive to try and shake the rogue from his body, but the Nova Texan is hanging on. I’ve definitely never seen this before.
Randy: Beep. They’re going to hit some spectators! Watch out! Boop.
Zelarious Zan Alon: You’re right. Glux is accelerating down to the arena floor at an uncontrollable speed. Duke has a full mount now. He’s riding Glux like some sort of Mrelockian skybeast. It’s affecting Glux, too. He can’t seem to steady his flight, he’s all out of sorts. LaGrange is holding on for dear life. They just swooped mere inches above the heads of the patrons in the lower sections.
Randy: Beep. If they crash into the stands, advantage Glux. Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: No doubt. I bet that a large portion of those in attendance would love a crack at Duke LaGrange. They just flew over the head of Duke’s corner man.
Randy: Beep. That tiny masked fella is his corner man? Boop.
Zelarious Zan Alon: Yes. Ishiro’shea, from Earth. Apparently, he’s a skilled martial artist.
Randy: Beep. Maybe he should have joined up instead of LaGrease. Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: That’s what most insiders have told me, Randy. Another swoop over the crowd, narrowly missing Ishiro’shea again. Duke reached down and appeared to slap a fan in that section!
Randy: Beep. Figures! Just when I thought that I couldn’t hate someone more, he does that! Beep. Boop.
Zelarious Zan Alon: What’s this? Does Duke have a knife? It looks like a tiny dagger. Where did that come from?
Randy: Beep. Did he steal it from that fan? Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: Oh no—he’s shredding Xyphormog’s wings. They’re going down! LaGrange is on top. This is going to be loud!
Randy: Boop. Damn. Beep. [Randy’s commentary censored on the broadcast.] Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: You can’t say that on air, Randy. It’s a mess down against the barrier. The two crashed headlong into the wall at full speed. The referees are checking on it. I can’t believe this. I’m speechless.
Randy: Boop. [More censored commentary.] Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: Glux Xyphormog is not responding. He’s out cold. I can’t believe that I’m about to say this—
Randy: Beep. Then don’t. Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: Duke LaGrange wins.
Randy: Beep. [More censored commentary.] Beep.
Zelarious Zan Alon: Duke LaGrange advances to the semifinals of the Tournament of the Shield of the Colossal Calamari. Fight fans, do you believe in miracles?
