How to win at pit fighti.., p.20
How to Win at Pit Fighting with a Drunk Space Ninja, page 20
part #2 of Duke LaGrange Series
“Grab the Shaman and bring him with us,” the prince ordered his two stooges.
A wooden projectile whizzed through the air from behind the Shaman’s chair in his box. The tarzantia staff struck Prince Korzo-Tapor directly in the chest. Duke could hear the Jungafallowian’s bones crack on impact. It reminded him of a recent episode at Cyborg Joe’s when he had been saved from another ruthless Jungafallowian by a stampeding anthropomorphic musk ox named Lilly Arnaq.
The botanical missile not only crushed the sternum of the two-headed royal, the force actually lifted him off the ground and tipped him over the edge of the Grand Shaman’s suite. Prince Korzo-Tapor plummeted with extreme velocity towards the arena floor. His body lay sprawled out, lifeless, his outstretched arm still sporting its super-expensive piece of armor.
The two gun-toting henchmen whirled around, but didn’t know who to shoot at. The Shaman, noticing the opening, dove under one of his chairs. Duke sent two pulses out. Each struck one of the Jungafallowian thugs, who both collapsed to the floor. Duke wasn’t sure if he had killed them, as his vision was blocked by the railing, but he was confident that they were incapacitated.
Duke looked up to the box. Out of the shadows stepped a Psitakki covered in bandages, limping, and generally looking like he was in a whole lot of pain. He kicked away the guns from the immobile Jungafallowians.
“That’s one tough bastard.”
Gjrazzel exited the Shaman’s box to a raucous ovation. As he descended the steps towards the arena floor he was mobbed by fans offering pats on the backs, pleas for handshakes and hugs, even the odd unsolicited kiss.
Mazilda grabbed Duke and Ishiro’shea by the hands and dragged them towards the corpse of Prince Korzo-Tapor. “That’s your shield, Duke. Don’t let Gjrazzel take it,” she snapped.
“Surely he won’t. He seems like a good guy. But he is making a beeline for it.”
“Remember, he thinks you cheated,” she argued. “These fans think you cheated. He will try and take it. Trust me.”
Gjrazzel reached the prince’s body at the same time as Duke, Mazilda, and Ishiro’shea. Neither side moved. Not a single muscle twitched amongst the two parties. The crowd, for the first time in many days, was totally silent, without a single murmur coming from the thousands in attendance.
It was Gjrazzel that moved first. He reached down and grabbed the shield. Duke unholstered his revolver. Mazilda readied a throwing dagger. Ishiro’shea drew his katana.
The Psitakki looked up at them. Duke noticed the confusion in his eyes. His body was beaten badly, after all, and he had no weapon, at least that the bounty hunter could see. The four remained in this position for some time, each assessing the situation and running the odds in their heads about what action-reaction combination would give them the best probability of survival.
Duke then put his gun away.
“What are you doing?” barked Mazilda.
He placed his hand on Ishiro’shea’s katana, lowering it without any resistance.
“Mazilda, put away your knives.”
“What? No.”
“Please,” Duke begged, never taking his eyes off of the Psitakki and the holy shield of Grozzel.
“I don’t like this,” she huffed as she placed her knives into her belt.
“Thank you,” Gjrazzel said. “Thank you, Duke LaGrange, and his friends, for not letting this abomination ruin the legacy of our planet and its greatest hero.”
Duke tipped his hat.
“I believe this is yours,” Gjrazzel stated. He extended the shield to Duke. “You won, fair and square... for the most part.”
Duke smiled at the Psitakki’s addendum to his statement.
“Congratulations,” Gjrazzel continued. “You honor the memory of my great-great-great-great-great-great...”
“I got it,” Duke interrupted. “Your ancient ancestor.”
The Nova Texan grabbed the shield and slid it onto his forearm. Gjrazzel put forth his hand. Duke took it and the pair shook hands to an eruption of hoots, applause, and other bodily sounds of a positive connotation. Gjrazzel raised the bounty hunter’s hands in victory.
The Shaman stepped up to his podium.
“Duke LaGrange,” he proclaimed, “the last champion of the Tournament of the Shield of the Colossal Calamari.”
“See, I told you that I got this,” Duke said to Mazilda with a wink.
She responded with a subtle shake of the head and a not-so-subtle roll of the eyes.
“I don’t know about you,” Duke began, “but I’m ready to celebrate.”
Ishiro’shea extended two thumbs-up.
Chapter 28
A Cruel Reunion
“SO HOW WAS I?”
MAZILDA slid closer to the bounty hunter and kissed him gently on the cheek.
“I’ve had better,” she said with a laugh. She sprang out from the bed and walked over to a hutch in the corner of the room. She started to get dressed. “It’s much nicer than the holding room, that’s for sure.”
“You’re lucky you didn’t see where Ish and I had to stay during the tournament.”
“A dump?”
“That’s putting it nicely. I don’t even think you would be caught dead there with your clothes off.”
Mazilda grabbed one of Duke’s boots from beside the hutch and hurled it at him playfully. “Not funny, not at all.”
“It’s kinda amazing how much better your accommodations get when you win an ancient, quasi-religious combat tournament. I could get used to this,” he said as he folded his arms behind his head. “Not a bad life. What’s this joint called again?”
“The Palace Royale Hotel of...”
“Let me guess,” Duke interjected. “…of the Colossal Calamari.”
“Yep.”
“And Ishiro got his own room! He never gets his own room.”
“I’m glad you’re happy.”
“Are you sure you have to get dressed? Do you really have somewhere to be?”
“Are you sad, Mr. Champion of the Calamari?” Mazilda said, pouting. “Are you going to miss me?”
“Yes, of course,” Duke said matter-of-factly. “Who, in their right mind, wouldn’t miss a naked assassin of your skill set in their bed?”
Mazilda got back into the bed, only partially dressed. She crawled on top of Duke until her thighs were straddling his stomach.
“I think we have a bit more time,” she whispered seductively. She bent down and kissed him. “How about we try this?”
“I’m game. Whatever it is, doesn’t matter, I’m in. One hundred percent in!” Duke said eagerly.
“I sure missed your enthusiasm,” Mazilda replied. “Let me grab something.”
She hopped off of the Nova Texan and glided over to the hutch. She opened up a satchel and pulled out some shiny metallic objects. Within a blink, she was back in the bed and on top of Duke. She dangled the items in front of the bounty hunter.
“Handcuffs? You tart.”
“I borrowed them from the Chief Interrogator General. I had an odd feeling that they’d come in handy, one way or another,” she said.
“Not the most original idea, Mazilda, but on such short notice, it’ll do.”
She bent down and kissed him again.
“I promise you that this will be anything but unoriginal. You’ll never have experienced anything like this before,” she said assertively.
“Like I said, one hundred percent in.”
She snapped his left wrist into a pair of the handcuffs, then cuffed it to the bedpost. She did the same to his right wrist using the second pair. She bent down again but didn’t kiss him. Her lips were touching Duke’s ear.
“I’m sorry, Duke,” she whispered.
She vaulted off of the bed and headed back to the hutch.
“Very funny. Come back over here, you vixen.”
“I’m sorry,” Mazilda repeated.
“Not funny. You got me. This is original. Faking that you set me up in a not-so-innocent position. You win. Now come back over here!”
“I’m sorry,” Mazilda repeated again as she finished getting dressed.
“No, don’t put the clothes on. Mazilda, what’s going on?”
She looked at him with a stern expression. As they locked eyes, her expression transformed into one of doubt, and then sadness.
She picked up the shield from the dresser and covered it in her cloak. She placed the bundle under her arm.
“This is what’s going on,” she said, signaling to the shield under her arm. “I really wished that you wouldn’t have come here. It was a cruel reunion for both of us.”
“Decidedly more cruel for one of us, obviously,” Duke remarked.
“You have no idea what this is, do you? This is a power like you’ve never seen.”
“You’d be surprised what I’ve seen recently when it comes to powerful objects,” Duke said, his thoughts drifting to his adventures on Neprius. “Why do you want it?”
“I don’t. But my employer does.”
“Your employer? What’s going on, really? I thought you were going to help Ishiro and I find his parents.”
Mazilda looked at the ground.
“This was all a lie,” Duke shouted. “Us getting back together was a lie. Just a ruse.”
She looked up. A tear fell from her eye.
“I’m sorry.”
Before Duke could respond, Mazilda Cloax and the shield were out of the room.
I guess I should start screaming for help now.
“Don’t judge me.”
The green ninja remained silent as he worked on the handcuffs. Duke knew what he was thinking, though.
“You didn’t sense it either. She fooled us both.”
Ishiro’shea stopped working and glared at his bounty-hunting friend.
“Fine, she fooled me more.”
The ninja went back to work on the handcuffs. They weren’t releasing. Duke could sense Ishiro’s frustration.
“Just cut ‘em off. I’ll worry about the pieces on my wrists later. If we’re going to try and track her down, we better hurry.”
Duke pulled his arms in as far as possible, creating a taut chain for Ishiro’shea to aim at. The bounty hunter closed his eyes. A gush of wind, a loud crack, and his left arm was free, then his right.
“Thanks, little buddy. We need to go now if we’re ever to find her.”
Ishiro’shea paused and tilted his head at Duke’s half-clothed body.
“Yes, after I get dressed, of course.”
The former Salutatorian from the College of Cohorts, Consorts, Co-Conspirators, and Other Assorted Sidekick Types darted to the door.
“You got an idea?”
Ishiro’shea returned a thumbs-up and then waved his hand for Duke to hurry up.
“Give me a second. I don’t want to put Mazilda and her mysterious boss away forever in just my birthday suit.”
Ishiro’shea and the now fully-clothed Duke sprinted down the hall and out of the Palace Royale Hotel of the Colossal Calamari, dodging reporters and children asking for autographs.
Ishiro’shea directed them down the road to the nearby auditorium that had hosted the Grand Shaman’s pre-tournament gala. Behind the auditorium was the royal space dock for the use of the Shaman’s guests. It was a lovely, albeit a tad gaudy, parking garage.
“Makes sense,” Duke began. “She knew that you would rescue me and, likely, in short order. She wouldn’t have let that happen if she was going to be lurking around here for a while, hiding out. She was heading directly for a pick-up and exit from Psitakki. And this is the closest place to park a ship. Let’s just hope we aren’t too late.”
The sky above the spacecraft parking lot was a tranquil lavender color, without even a single cloud, open and clear—other than a titanic ship that was approaching rapidly.
“Wait a second—is that one of the Four I’s ships?”
The bounty hunters looked at each other in terror.
“This is not an ideal situation, little buddy.”
The spacecraft was of substantial girth. Upon its landing, the vessel took up a dozen spots allocated for an entire row of standard-sized commercial ships. It sported sleek lines and appeared to be made from a single slab of material, with no sign of rivets or junctions. It was beautiful. The only things that broke up the ship’s clean facade were the multitude of guns, missile launchers, plasma cannons, and the like that covered nearly a fifth of the ship’s surface. On the side, painted in white letters, perfectly sized and spaced so as to not detract from the awe of the armaments, yet not go unnoticed entirely, were the words: Intergalactic Infrastructure Improvement, Incorporated.
As Duke and Ishiro’shea approached, a rampway emerged from the underbelly of the Four I’s battle cruiser.
A robed figure made her way out of the shadows of one of the Shaman’s leisure ships and headed towards the ramp of the Four I’s cruiser.
Ol’ Betsy fired into the air. Mazilda stopped immediately. She turned around, still grasping the shield under her arm, though it was now unwrapped. Duke and Ishiro’shea marched towards her; she did not try to flee, nor grab her throwing daggers. From this distance, she could probably still kill them.
“You can’t get away that easily,” said Duke, still aiming Betsy at Mazilda.
“You shouldn’t have come, Duke,” Mazilda said. “Really.”
“From your vantage point, agreed. If I didn’t come, you’d have gotten away. And these bureaucratic nutjobs would get the shield. And that would be bad, I’m guessing.”
“No. You shouldn’t have come because there’s absolutely no way that you can escape.”
“You do realize that I’m the one with the sonic shotgun in this exchange, right?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
A crunching noise came from behind Mazilda. A dozen Four I’s soldiers marched out from the battle cruiser in perfectly straight lines. They were dressed in black tactical gear and each individual was indistinguishable from the next. When they reached the bottom of the ramp they fanned out behind Mazilda and pointed twelve automatic rifles at the bounty-hunting duo.
“See, Duke, it doesn’t matter.”
“Don’t get too trigger-happy, guys. In fact, put your guns down or I blow up Mazilda and the shield.”
There was no movement from either side.
“Hold,” Mazilda commanded the group, motioning for them to lower their weapons. “So what do we do now, Duke? You know more of them will come and you’ll either have to kill me or be killed. If you leave now, you can live to fight another day, in another battle.”
“It seems that you forced me into this battle,” Duke replied.
“And I’m giving you a way out. Go. Please. You weren’t even supposed to be here. Maxx was my target.”
“Gemstarr?”
“Yes, he was thought to be a favorite in the tournament and I just had to get close to him. Which, as you know, wasn’t hard, considering he’s a moron.”
“Can’t argue with that,” Duke agreed.
“And the prince,” Mazilda continued, “had the other side covered with his mechanized monster. Our employer felt pretty confident that one of those two would win the tournament and get the shield without any additional violence or notoriety. With no one expecting a thing, he would have a much longer runway to set things in motion.”
“Wait? The prince was in this too? I knew he was lying about why he was here.”
“I told him that his dumb machine wouldn’t work. He was going to get caught.”
“But you had us go after him. Remember the warehouse?”
Mazilda simply nodded.
“No… that was a setup,” Duke said slowly. “You didn’t steal any keys. You led us there to get ambushed and killed. How could you?”
“That wasn’t my idea,” said Mazilda, a note of pleading now in her voice. “But our employer thought it would be the easiest way to get the shield.”
“That’s why you didn’t like the fact that Ish and I had a plan that you didn’t know about.”
“Yes, and it worked gloriously. I’ll give you both credit. Leaving Ishiro there to investigate while the prince’s goon chased us. But I still can’t believe that he talked that android into having a beer with him.”
“He’s a good listener,” Duke smirked. “And so I guess I was just your insurance policy once I beat Maxx.”
Once again, Mazilda’s silence gave Duke his answer.
“But you helped me beat Maxx in the tournament? Never mind, don’t answer that. You thought I was an easier mark.”
“With our past and all, it was…” Mazilda seemed to struggle to find the words, “…more natural.”
“What if that bug would’ve beaten Maxx? Or the slime monsters? Would you’ve cozied up to them too?”
“I was going to make sure that wouldn’t happen but, had it happened, possibly.”
“I always thought I would be the one that sunk to these depths in my career—not you.”
“You don’t understand how persuasive my employer is and what he’s promised me. If I get him this shield, I’ll never have to work again. No more assassinations. No more hunting down or running from really nasty people. It will be over.”
“This shield is that important to this cat, huh? Why?”
“I don’t know. I really don’t know.”
“It’s not like you to go into a mission and not know all of the details.”
“I know it’s not, but the pay and the promise made up for going without a few bits of information,” she argued.
“A few bits? If they’re offering as much as you say they are, you know it can’t be good. Are you that selfish to put beings in jeopardy? An entire planet? An entire system? Just for a little rest and relaxation?”
“Wouldn’t you?”
Duke pondered. He didn’t like the accusatory tone, but he understood how his past actions might lead her to believe that was the case. However, Duke LaGrange was not a bad guy.
“No, I wouldn’t.”
“Then I’m sorry to disappoint such a noble warrior.”
