Hearts orders, p.14
Heart’s Orders, page 14
“Tucker!”
God, she hated that woman’s voice. But she forced herself to attention and waited.
Lieutenant Yarborough waved the clipboard in her hand. “Are you planning on driving today or are you just going to stand there like you’re posing for a WAC recruiting poster?”
Everyone knew Yarborough thought she was real clever with her sarcastic remarks and her it’s-all-funny-until-it’s-not attitude. But no one knew where the lines were because they could change at any time. So Helen tried to play it by the book. “I’m gonna drive, ma’am.”
“Then you’d better get the hell over here and get in that truck.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
She worked to keep her face neutral, repeating to herself, You’ve got the job you wanted, just ignore the jerk and get on the road. Driving calmed her like nothing else, and she loved being behind the wheel with something meaningful to do. But when Yarborough’s clipboard swatted her hard on the behind as she passed by, her reflexes took over, and she turned sharply with her fists clenched. A swell of reaction filled the garage bay as all the grease monkeys and other drivers hooted and yelled. Yarborough’s expression turned vicious.
“Oh, are you going to do something, Private?” she taunted. “You think you can catch me off guard like you did with Sergeant Moore?”
Helen let her fists open and tried to relax her stance. Obviously, Lieutenant Yarborough was not someone who would find her scuffle with Sergeant Moore admirable. She should have expected that some officer was going to make a point of singling her out. Why did it have to be today? And why this bitch? However good it might feel for the moment, she told herself that slugging Yarborough would only make a bad day worse. She quickly straightened to attention and set her gaze off Yarborough’s face while still keeping her in her peripheral vision. “Excuse me, ma’am. May I board my vehicle now?”
“Your vehicle?” Yarborough sneered and Helen knew immediately she’d made a mistake and was about to hear about it, but good. The onlookers were making approving noises like kids in a schoolyard when the biggest bully turned his eyes on someone other than them. “I don’t suppose you have a receipt for this vehicle of yours? Or could you tell us exactly where and when you purchased this fine vehicle? Perhaps you remember the name of your salesman?” The lieutenant began a slow stroll around the truck, acting like she’d never seen it before. “This sure is an interesting paint job you have on your vehicle, Private. You know, this olive-green paint color and white star remind me of something I’ve seen before.” She pretended to be thinking. Helen struggled to keep her temper in check, knowing they weren’t done yet. Yarborough was enjoying herself too much. She came back around and stood directly in front of Helen, her face only inches away. Her voice was soft but menacing. “What do you suppose this truck looks like to me, Tucker?”
Just play your part and it’ll be over, Helen told herself. “An Army truck, ma’am?”
“What? I don’t think I heard you.”
That singsong voice did it. Helen was ready to scream, Fuck you and fuck the Army, and launch her best punch into Yarborough’s smug face, when for some reason, she thought about Sergeant Rains. When her drill instructor had shaken her hand at graduation, she’d said, “You’ve made exceptional progress here, Private Tucker. But from here on, the kind of soldier you will become will be up to you.” The sergeant had looked like she wanted to say something more, but they’d called the next girl’s name, so Helen thanked her and the moment passed. Really she knew with one more assault on an officer, she wouldn’t be a soldier at all, so she swallowed the bitterness and shouted, just a bit louder than necessary, “An Army truck, ma’am!”
For half a second, Lieutenant Yarborough looked almost disappointed. Then she snarled, “That’s right, you little shit. An Army truck. And don’t you forget it, or I’ll have you transferred to the mess and you’ll be scrubbing pots for the rest of the war, you got that?”
“Yes, ma’am,” Helen replied smartly, still seeing Yarborough’s face from the corner of her eye. The lieutenant would only look like an ass if she went on anymore, so Helen decided this round was a tie. But there would be a reckoning of some kind, she vowed. No Yankee bitch was going to get the best of her. Not today or any other day. She remembered what her brother Sinclair used to tell her—don’t get mad, get even.
*****
Tee had gone into the PX that Monday morning, even though it was the last thing she wanted to do. Major Edley had taken one look at her and ordered her to the infirmary. “Come back as soon as you’re feeling better,” he’d said, stepping away a little as if she had some kind of flu. Would she ever feel better? Tee didn’t think so. She’d never deliberately disobeyed an order before, but she wasn’t going to the infirmary. They couldn’t do anything for her there. Almost by habit she found herself walking toward the chapel, but stopped, undecided if she would ever set foot in there again either. This church probably wasn’t the place for her. That had been made clear two nights ago when she’d run out of the house party without Helen and gotten so lost she couldn’t begin to know which way was the base. When she couldn’t run anymore, she walked. And when she couldn’t walk anymore, she’d found a bench in a park and sat.
She remembered how she’d started shivering, once she’d caught her breath. The night was cooling and she’d left her coat and hat and even her bag at the party. The party. She’d shaken even harder then, telling herself she needed to put it all out of her mind. Helen. Neil. Dancing. The way she’d felt just before Casey came out that door. She’d been swayed. Demons came in many forms, she’d been told that for years. But she’d let herself be tempted, let Reverend Culberson’s kind face and easy words pull her from the truth. She’d let Helen…no, she wasn’t going to think about that ever again. Those feelings were what had led her to this calamity. She was a terrible sinner with one foot in hell already. Such terrible thoughts and conflicting emotions were making her dizzy, and she raised her head. A sign across the street came into focus: Living Faith Bible Church. That was exactly what she needed—to live her faith, the Biblical teachings she’d been brought up with. Perhaps the Lord would give her one last chance.
The handle squeaked and then the door cracked open at her pull. When she had it just wide enough to squeeze through, she let it go and it banged loudly. In only a few seconds her eyes had adjusted enough that she could make her way to the back pew. She sat, intending to pray for all she was worth, but in only a minute or two a great weariness came over her. She knew it was the devil again, trying to keep her from forgiveness, and she started the Lord’s Prayer.
When Tee felt something pushing at her shoulder, she opened her eyes and realized she was lying on the pew. She sat up quickly and a man’s dark visage loomed over her. For a few seconds, she thought she might faint. Satan had come for her. She’d often heard the devil described as black, but she’d always assumed the description was from the sooty darkness of hell’s fires. Now it seemed the Lord had given her over to eternal damnation.
“Are you all right, child?” a deep voice questioned. Tee was surprised by the compassionate tone. And she was still cold. Perhaps she hadn’t been admitted to hell yet. Apparently the dark brown eyes had taken note of her uniform because the next question was, “Are you one of those Army girls? What are you doing out here this time of night?”
Tee put her face in her hands, trying desperately to push away her turmoil and confusion. She didn’t want to look up yet but she knew she should answer, perhaps with confession and prayer? She couldn’t control her stutter anymore and she mumbled into the floor, “I-I know I’ve been so…so lost. P-Please let me go b-back.”
With obvious bewilderment the voice replied, “Of course you can go back. But if you’re lost, you’ll need someone to take you.”
She risked a look into his face, and to her relief, she saw only very human concern on a tall somewhat stocky black man’s face. Working to focus her vision as well as her mind, she nodded. “Okay,” was the most she could get out.
“Wait right there,” he said, holding out a palm to indicate stay, as if she might not understand what he was telling her. “I’ll go get my wife.”
As he walked away, Tee slumped back against the pew, wondering if one of the damnations of hell was that you never got enough rest.
She must have napped again because the next thing she was aware of was being helped into a car by a very thin, light-skinned black woman. She caught a few snippets of a conversation the woman seemed to be having with her husband.
A sniff. “Not drinking?” A few more steps. “Touched?” She’d heard people call her that before when they heard her stammering. It meant they thought she was not quite right in the head.
“I’m not,” she blurted out and it grew silent around her.
Then she was sitting up and a car engine started. She roused herself enough to look over, just making out the woman’s face. “Who are you?” she asked.
The woman gave her a long look before she put the car in gear. Finally she wet her lips and said, “I’m Vondra Washington, the pastor’s wife.”
Pastor? Tee frowned for a few seconds before remembering she’d sought refuge in a church.
The woman must have read the doubt in her expression because she muttered, “The one who got out of bed in the middle of the night to take some lost WAC back to her base.”
The weariness she couldn’t seem to shake made her feel more guilty for stealing this woman’s slumber. “Why didn’t he take me himself?”
They were at a stop sign. Mrs. Washington gave a sharp little laugh and then turned to look at Tee again. There were no fires in her eyes but there was anger. “Even a pastor got no business driving a white woman alone at this time of night. You oughtta know that.”
Tee couldn’t think of what to say. Blinking, she felt her thoughts begin to clear. Was anything she thought she understood real? Were her feelings? Her fears? Her beliefs? She only knew the truth right now was she’d gotten lost when she’d run from the party and this nice couple was helping her get back to base. Tears started down her cheeks as they drove, and she turned her face to look out the window. When she felt the car stop she wiped her face with her hands. “I don’t know how to thank you,” she stammered.
Mrs. Washington’s expression softened. “You just stay out of trouble, honey, and everything will be all right.”
As the car pulled away, a figure came out of the guardhouse. Tee thought it would be an MP, but it wasn’t. It was Helen.
“God, Tee, I’ve been worried sick. Are you okay?”
God. Just stay out of trouble and everything will be all right. She’d been given a message. She almost laughed at herself for her first impression of the pastor’s identity, when he and his wife were clearly just angels on earth. “I gotta stay out of trouble,” Tee said, almost to herself.
“Come on,” Helen said, reaching for her arm. “Let’s get you to the barracks. You need a hot shower and some sack time.”
Tee shrank back. “I gotta stay out of trouble,” she said again, more firmly, stepping around Helen and walking away as quickly as she could.
She’d slept through breakfast that Sunday but Helen was there when she awoke, offering her some fruit and a roll. She’d known she had to turn it down. There couldn’t be anything more between them, not even friendship. All that day, Helen had practically shadowed her every move, but Tee refused to speak to her. Or to anyone else, for that matter. When they had a private moment while walking to dinner, Helen tried to talk to her about what had happened at the party, but Tee simply turned and went back to the barracks.
Helen had raised her voice then. “Tee, please…”
But Tee had repeated to herself, Just stay out of trouble and everything will be all right, until the anguish in Helen’s voice faded away.
Now she didn’t know what to do with herself. Major Edley would likely go by the infirmary to check up on her. Maybe she should just leave. Go home. Maybe she wasn’t cut out to be a soldier after all. The more she thought of it, the better that sounded. Her daddy might be mad that she’d come back without permission, but Mama would take her in. She went back to the barracks. Everyone else was at work. She started packing.
“Hey.”
A husky voice made her turn abruptly. It was Casey. Tee shrank back against her bunk.
Casey didn’t seem to notice. “Your friend is really worried about you.”
“I gotta stay out of trouble.” Surely the angels’ words would keep her safe.
“You’re not in trouble, Tee. Helen—your friend’s name is Helen, right?” Tee nodded despite herself. “Helen told me how upset you were about…uh…running into me at the party.” Tee nodded again. “Look, I was way more surprised than you were. I mean, I never would have guessed…about you.”
Gotta stay out of trouble. Tee shook her head, stuffing her underwear into the duffel bag. “Please. I don’t—”
Casey cut her off. “Can I sit for a minute? I work on the grounds crew and I’m pretty much on my feet all the time. I’m just on my lunch break.” She indicated Helen’s bunk. “Do you mind?”
Tee didn’t want Casey to sit. She wanted her to go. She gestured toward her open footlocker. “I need to—”
But Casey was already lowering herself to the side of the bunk. “Thanks. So you’re just out of basic, right?” Tee was still trying to think of what to say to make Casey leave, but she nodded. “Do you like working in the PX?” Tee blinked in surprise. “Helen told me to look for you there,” Casey explained.
“Yes.” Maybe if she kept her answers short and kept packing, Casey would get the hint. But she did like it, actually. That would be something she would miss. No store in town had wanted to hire her before and now there really wouldn’t be a chance, her coming back AWOL…
Casey continued their conversation, interrupting her thoughts. “They’re pretty good about matching people with what they like doing, don’t you think? I really like working with plants.” She smiled. “I don’t exactly know why. Maybe because they’re very nonjudgmental.” Her smile faded as she gestured at herself. “I used to get a lot of knocks at home, as you can probably imagine.”
Tee could imagine. Casey was tall and solid, with straight dark hair and a broad face. Masculine looking, Tee had thought when she’d first seen her, and she was sure that was the source of Casey’s knocks. The people in her town would have said unkind things about Casey, she was sure. Built like a football player or All the makeup in the world wouldn’t help that one.
Casey sighed. “But what was I supposed to do? I wasn’t going to turn into a petite, curly haired blonde, no matter how much I wanted to. At times I thought I’d never find a place where I’d fit in, you know?” She looked away and her voice got so soft that Tee leaned toward her slightly to hear. “For years, I felt so all alone. And I got to believing that I…I must be some kind of mistake. So I decided that I should just, you know, end it. Because I didn’t know how to live with being so different.”
Tee sat on her bunk, her hand slightly outstretched in Casey’s direction. She knew she should say something, offer some comfort, but she had no words.
Casey swallowed hard. “I got my dad’s revolver and I sat with it for a long time, while I imagined living the rest of my life with nothing but those disapproving looks and hateful insults.” She looked over and Tee saw tears pooling in her eyes. “I put that pistol to my head and I actually pulled the trigger. It just clicked. I sat there, shaking and listening to that empty sound echoing around the room.” Casey took a breath and wiped at her eyes. “You’ve got to understand, my dad always kept his guns cleaned and fully loaded. Later, I remembered that he’d shot at a snake that had come up from the creek a couple of days before. But that shouldn’t have mattered, ’cause he must have told me a hundred times that there was no point in having firearms in the house if they weren’t primed.” She sniffed and pushed her dark hair away from her face. “Anyway, something changed in me at that moment. I came to believe there was going to be a reason for me to live, so I just kept going.
“I tried, you know, dating—when I could find a guy who’d go out with me. But I never felt anything for them, and they always expected something I didn’t want to give. Then I met a woman who lived outside of town. Her husband had died a while back but she’d stayed on. By then I was working at the feed store and I delivered some seed out there. She needed some help with the place and I worked for her a bit. We got to be friends and then…more. Then I knew how it was supposed to feel when you wanted to be with someone. Looking back, I could see my feelings had always been for women.” She looked back at Tee and shrugged. “Why? I don’t know. I don’t think anybody knows. But that’s the way I am. And I’ve come to believe that’s the way God made me.”
Tee blinked. She felt terrible for Casey’s pain, but she had to say what she knew. “But the Bible says it’s wrong.”
Casey nodded. “We didn’t go to church when I was younger, and I never thought much about what the Bible said, to be honest. But I’ve heard that, and I’ll tell you that the ones who were the worst to me were the church folks. I guess they thought they had a right to be that way.” She rubbed her hands together, a slow smile returning to her face. “Janet got me to go with her to the chapel here. I had such a crush on her I would have walked through fire if she’d asked. But anyway, Reverend Culberson’s message was so good that I kept going, even after Janet gave me the brush-off.” Her eyes met Tee’s. “I even talked to the reverend about, you know, about the way I feel about women.”
