Hearts orders, p.6
Heart’s Orders, page 6
As if reading her mind, the reverend went on to give her definition of love. “Love is what cultivates growth and development in any relationship, enriching us both separately and together. As love magnifies perfect individuality, freeing each to be their truest, most complete self, it also binds us to all that lives. So what makes such a unique connection flourish? Tenderness in safekeeping, a shared responsibility of needs, and the mutual commitment to care. When these are present between two of us, surely God is, too.”
Tee realized she was holding her breath. There had been no specific mention of a man and a woman in Reverend Culberson’s description. Was the pastor actually suggesting that a relationship such as hers and Helen’s might be acceptable to the Lord Almighty? “Why would we be created with this ability if not to implicitly acknowledge the God in us each time we speak of love for another? Doesn’t love—this generous, open offering of one’s self to another—offer us a reflection of what God has so freely given to each of us?” she heard the reverend say. Tee’s mind was reeling. Was that the reason she felt the way she did about Helen? Would loving her somehow help her understand more about God’s love?
“For those who believe that God is working in everyone, we know it is because God loves and cherishes everyone. Are we not commanded to do the same? Anyone can know God and anyone can be a part of God’s plan. What Jesus showed us of God’s love is that it was not given because certain persons had been exceptionally good or had achieved some special status here on Earth. Rather, we are to find our worth in the knowledge that God loves us unconditionally. This is the example we follow. Because we trust that God loves and values all people, so do we love and value all people.”
Tee wished she’d found a way to ask Reverend Culberson what kind of Christian she was. The minister had a way of always keeping their talks focused on Tee instead of about herself. She had managed to ask the reverend if she ever worried about going to hell. The reverend’s smile was a bit sad as she said, “The problem with striving only to avoid hell is that it makes people concern themselves more with the future instead of focusing on the here and now. When you use Jesus as your standard for compassion, and you work to grow the love you have inside you, you are living life as you are meant to do. We mustn’t be so intimidated by avoiding punishment in hell that we miss the joy of the present.”
During one of their conversations, Reverend Culberson had told her that she judged herself much too harshly. Tee answered that she thought judging was how you gauged where you were not measuring up to what God expected of you. Then the reverend suggested that judgment was God’s job. “You don’t want to be playing God, do you, Tee?” Tee couldn’t even count how many sermons she’d heard about damnation, but that idea didn’t seem to be in the reverend’s vocabulary. One thing was certain—the lady reverend didn’t talk like any preacher she’d ever known when they were in private, and this sermon hadn’t sounded a bit like the ones she was accustomed to, either.
When the reverend came out from behind the pulpit and stood between the two aisles, holding out her arms as if embracing the entire congregation, Tee could sense the connection of community that was always emphasized during Bible study. It was almost like they were all humming the same note, and the oneness of it made her feel whole. “God’s strength is centered in creation and love, capacities which I believe are also found in all of us. There are stories of this power in many other traditions and cultures, and yet God is greater than all of them. But even God’s being cannot exist in a vacuum. God needs us to respond, to give back, so that we can be redeemed by the spirit that we share. Only then can we be freed from the heaven and hell we have created for ourselves and be truly open to the terrifying vulnerability of love.”
The terrifying vulnerability of love. The notion was so painfully beautiful that Tee had to wipe tears off her cheeks, but she tried to act like she just had a cold or something and hoped no one noticed. At the door she saw Casey, whose eyes looked a little red also, and they simply nodded to each other. She hadn’t lingered as she might have otherwise but had gone back to the barracks and rewritten her note to Helen one last time.
Now, opening her eyes without lifting her head, she could tell it was getting late. Suddenly she remembered that Helen was coming back today, so the voice she’d heard might really be her. And here I am, practically drooling, probably with those red sleep marks on my face. She raised her head slowly. Silhouetted in the last of the evening light, Helen appeared to be almost glowing. “Helen? Is that really you?” Was it possible that Helen was an angel, too? Could she have been sent like the geese, not to show Tee forgiveness, but to show her love?
Tee’s question sounded so hopeful that it made Helen’s heart beat a little faster. Play it cool, she told herself. “Yeah, kiddo, it’s me. Back from beautiful Fort Oglethorpe.” Then she noticed that Tee looked a little dazed, with dark circles under her eyes. Helen squatted, bringing her face even with Tee’s. “Are you okay? You look kinda…lost.”
Tee stood, wobbling a bit. Helen straightened, too, wanting to put out a hand to help her but not sure if she should, considering how they’d left things. When Tee steadied, she raised her gaze and Helen let herself just look at her. From the beginning she’d been drawn in by the softness of Tee’s brown eyes, and now it was like coming home. She saw welcome and worry, profound sorrow, and something deeper that she didn’t know how to name. Tee blinked and her lips parted, but she made no sound for a few seconds. “I—I am lost,” she said faintly, and stopped. Helen didn’t answer because Tee’s throat worked as if she planned on saying more. It had never bothered her, Tee’s stutter and the way she sometimes struggled with getting out everything she was thinking. No sharp-tongued, quick-thinking woman could match Tee’s heart. Helen would have stood there all night, looking at her sweet face, even as she waited for whatever judgment might come. After a shaky breath, Tee added, “I’m lost without you.” Still, Helen didn’t move until Tee stepped closer and put her arms around Helen’s neck. “I can’t fight this anymore. I don’t…I don’t want to.”
Then nothing on this earth, not even President Roosevelt himself, could have kept Helen from pulling Tee as close to her as she could. “I’m lost without you, too. So there’s not going to be any more fighting, okay? We’re gonna figure out a way to make this work, Tee. You and me. Together. That’s how it’s gonna be, okay?” Tee’s face was pressed into her neck, and in another second, Helen could feel the wetness of tears. “No, baby, no,” she shushed her. “Don’t cry. Please don’t cry.”
Tee lifted her face enough to ask, “But what about Sergeant Rains?”
Helen hated to let her go, but she took hold of Tee’s hands, moving carefully so they could both sit back down on the bleachers. “I done some thinking about that on the train when I was leaving here. When she told us we could stay, she didn’t say we couldn’t be together. She didn’t even quote regulations. She mostly said she was going to give us another chance because we’d both improved so much and she thought we were going to make good soldiers. I think she cares more about that than about, you know, the other.”
As she thought back to that afternoon in Rains’s office, Helen didn’t think she’d ever felt as alone as she had while waiting to hear her fate. Tee hadn’t spoken to her all day, and no one else in the squad seemed to know how to act toward either of them, so they’d pretty much acted like neither of them were there. Even Bett, who could usually be counted on for a friendly smile, seemed preoccupied. At least Rains hadn’t dragged it out like she could have, torturing them with waiting to hear her decision like some creep who tested how well a grasshopper could hop each time he pulled a leg off. As soon as they’d closed the door and come to attention in front of her, she’d said, “I’m not going to remove either of you from the service at this time.” Tee had made a little choking sound, and Helen was so relieved that she’d slumped slightly as her eyes drifted to Rains’s face. For just a second, she thought she saw something like sympathy there. Just as quickly, the sergeant had resumed her usual firm expression and had gone on to stress her expectations, which really weren’t anything more than what she’d always asked of each of them—to give their very best effort and always strive for excellence as they did their duty with honor and pride. Tee was out the door the moment dismissed came from the sergeant’s mouth. Helen had the presence of mind to say, “Thank you, ma’am.” Then she’d gone and spent the evening with Maria and Charlotte and a few other squad members at the NCO club, drinking hard liquor until they’d stumbled back to the barracks just before CQ. Luckily, Sergeant Weber had done their walk-through that night, and she wasn’t nearly as observant as Rains.
“Besides,” Helen went on, pushing back the memories, “we’ve only got a little more than a week till graduation. After that, we’re not her responsibility anymore.”
“Won’t she tell our next command?” Tee had stopped crying but she still looked a little wobbly.
“Nah. She’s not blabby like that. Besides, we’ll be working in different places, so she’ll probably think things will cool down between us when we’re apart. But they won’t, will they, Tee?”
Tee shook her head, saying, “Apparently not,” with a tone that sounded so much like the way Bett Smythe said it that they both smiled at each other.
Thinking of her experience at Fort Oglethorpe, Helen added, “And you know what else? I bet there are more people like us here than we know.” It was dark enough that she felt safe to give a quick kiss to Tee’s forehead. “We’ve just gotta stay out of trouble for two more weeks.” She could just make out Tee’s indignant look, so she amended, “Okay, I’ve gotta stay out of trouble. But I can. And I will. Because you’re worth it.”
“We’re worth it,” Tee answered as she squeezed Helen’s hands, and Helen’s heart soared as she tried to remember if anything else had ever felt so good.
*****
The next morning, Sergeant Rains pulled Helen aside after their exercise period. “Sergeant Washburn at Fort Oglethorpe has given me a very favorable report of your performance.”
Relieved that her drill instructor didn’t want to discuss something more personal, Helen let her breath out carefully. She knew Tee was probably watching from somewhere, so she nodded, somewhat enthusiastically. “Thank you, ma’am.”
“She’s also under the impression that you would like a transfer to that base when you’re finished here. Is that correct?”
Helen swallowed. In her delight at patching things up with Tee, she’d forgotten about her plan to return to Fort Oglethorpe after basic training was over. “Oh. Well, I…” Helen realized she was sounding more like Tee than herself. Clearing her throat, she started over. “I’ve changed my mind about that posting, ma’am.” She and Tee hadn’t really discussed their plans for the future beyond the fact that Tee had become accustomed to Fort Des Moines and hoped to be posted at the post exchange on base. “I believe I’d prefer to stay on here, if a position as a driver is available.”
The sergeant cocked her head slightly, and Helen could feel her gaze sharpening. Grateful that she wasn’t supposed to be looking at Rains, Helen tried to keep her face expressionless. She was quite certain that Rains was assessing this information in light of everything else she knew about her. But when the sergeant spoke, her voice was surprisingly gentle. “Are you certain that’s the best choice for your career, Private Tucker?”
Rigid now, and very still, Helen answered promptly. “Yes, ma’am.”
“And is this also the best choice for Private Owens?” Rains asked, her voice hardening slightly. “Or should I ask her?”
There was no doubt in her mind that Tee would be terrified if the sergeant called her over. “You don’t have to do that, ma’am,” Helen answered promptly. “I believe I can speak for Private Owens on this matter. She wishes to remain at Fort Des Moines as well.” She hadn’t exactly answered the question, but perhaps it would do.
After what seemed like a long pause, the sergeant spoke again. “Very well, Private. You are dismissed.”
“Thank you, Sergeant.” Helen took one step back and turned to go. With her back to Rains, she couldn’t be certain whether she’d actually heard the sergeant whisper, “Be careful,” or if it was just the wind. The strangest thing was that it sounded more like a blessing than a warning.
*****
Sergeant Gale Rains had known without looking that Teresa Owens was nearby. She could practically feel her anxiety flowing past her and Helen Tucker in waves. While Reverend Culberson had indicated that she thought Tee was doing better with each of their sessions, she wondered what effect Tucker’s return would have on her condition. Deciding not to worry Owens beyond what she already had, Rains had dismissed Tucker, thinking to let the situation with the two women work itself out without interfering any further. She’d already played her part by not dismissing them from the WAC, and apparently the time away from each other hadn’t put a permanent end to their relationship. Perhaps this, too, was something that was meant to be.
She sighed as she watched Private Tucker walk away. Although she’d surprised herself with her last words, she recognized they might well be directed inward as well. For a little more than six weeks, she’d been clinging to the duty she’d accepted years ago, while fighting a rising desire that had been banished for an even longer time. She knew her counsel to Tucker skirted the line between the professional and the personal, but she’d been living in that middle place since she’d taken on this last session of recruits and begun dealing with her new squad leader, Private Bett Smythe.
The woman in question was actually Elizabeth Frances Pratt Carlton, daughter of the forty-second richest man in America. The striking blonde, who was known by her nickname Bett, had registered under the surname of Smythe after her manipulative father tried to change her mind about enlisting by convincing her that being identified as a Carlton among the riffraff of the volunteer Women’s Army Corps would put her in danger of kidnapping. Bett herself would now be the first one to admit that idea was complete and utter rubbish, as she would say in that fascinating British accent of hers. Shaking away the image, Rains brought herself back to the point, which was that her relationship with Smythe had already ventured beyond the absolute limits that she would normally set between herself and a squad member. Bett had a way of pushing past her boundaries, and something in her warmly winning manner, combined with a strong will and an equally fierce focus on what she wanted, had combined to lower Sergeant Rains’s defenses on more than one occasion. Perhaps they could have been friends, a very rare commodity in Rains’s life, except for the uncrossable divide of their roles in the WAC. Drill instructors did not fraternize with their recruits. Period.
But no matter how firmly Rains repeated to herself the need to back away from Smythe, things between them only seemed to intensify. Even as she fought to keep their association within the bounds of what she considered acceptable, there was no denying that in the two and a half years that Rains had been in the WAAC and then the WAC, she’d never found herself so attracted to someone. That Bett had made it clear on more than one occasion that the feelings were mutual didn’t make things any easier.
And now, in this matter of finding Tucker and Owens in a compromising situation, she wasn’t very far into her thinking before admitting that if she and Bett had been two different people, it could just as easily have been them. From an early age, she’d seen that her natural way of being was different from others, but she’d been readily accepted by her Lakota people and, more importantly, by her family. She pitied the Whites for their fear and their hateful attitudes toward those who were like her, but she was also aware that it was a completely different matter when someone in authority preyed on the weak and the helpless in this way. Such was not the case with the two young women in her squad and, she had to admit, neither was it so with her and Bett. Still, as a drill instructor, it was her job to find the path between a very clear violation of regulations and two who were, without question, the most improved members of her squad. She had spent many hours examining very carefully what her decision should be and why.
Even with Bett’s face and her voice and the feel of her skin in her heart as she’d fallen asleep, upon waking, the sweet sensations were quickly dislodged by a harder truth: Bett’s time here was almost over. Soon she would graduate and start her new life with the cryptography group after making the choice to work in Washington DC or possibly in New York. And Sergeant Rains would remain, in this solitary world without attachment, spending each day doing her duty and waiting for the small hours of the morning to wonder about what could have been.
Chapter Four
Helen found Tee waiting just beyond the parade grounds where they did their exercises. Tee’s face was a picture of worry, so Helen assured her that their sergeant had simply asked some routine questions about her experience at Fort Oglethorpe. There was no reason for Tee to know about the plan she’d made to go back there. They parted for the rest of the day, attending different classes and drills, but after dinner they had time to take a long walk and catch up. Tee told Helen that she wasn’t going to be attending the Bible study group for now, because she didn’t like spending that much time away from her. She added that she did want to continue speaking with Reverend Culberson for an hour or so on Tuesday and Thursday evenings.
“She’s helping you, isn’t she?” Helen asked. It seemed to her that even Tee’s stutter was getting better, and for a brief moment, she wondered if she should be jealous.
Tee nodded. Then she took a deep breath. “Why don’t you come to church with me on Sunday? You could meet her.” They’d been very careful not to touch or even stand too close whenever there was a chance that anyone might see, but she risked taking Helen’s arm for just a second. “There’s no hellfire and damnation there. I promise.”
