From comfortable distanc.., p.27
From Comfortable Distances, page 27
“I’ll leave whenever you want me to,” he whispered.
Tess’s heart began to beat faster, and her breath grew heavy. She nodded her head. She was inches away from his lips. And then he was focused on the food again, reaching for the plates and serving Tess and himself more.
When they were finished eating—Tess pushed her plate away and shook her head, “No more,” she said—the day was at its moody moment, the sun lingering, night ready to take over. The heat of the day had lifted. A faint breeze rustled the trees. In the next half hour, twilight would dawn.
“Shall we move to the deck?” Neal said.
“You have it all planned out,” Tess said.
“Unless you have other things to take care of now?” he said.
Tess smiled. He was sincere; the night could end right now if she said so.
“I’d love to sit on the deck,” she said.
Neal was up and pulling out her chair. He grabbed the unopened bottle of wine, motioning for Tess to take their glasses, and with the lighter in his free hand, he was on the deck lighting the candles.
“This is nice,” Tess said, reclining a lounge chair. She circled the rim of her wine glass, taking in the sky. Neal pulled his chair beside hers so that if she wanted, she could reach over and touch him. She couldn’t remember ever being out on her deck at night, relaxing. It felt good to leave all the dishes where they were, to truly not care about anything other than the moments at hand.
“In Saskatoon, this was my favorite time of day during the summer. I liked how the whole world softened, the temperature fell, the prairie grew silent.”
“It must be hard to leave a place after you’ve spent so much of your life there,” she said.
“You adapt.”
“Your mother doesn't think you did the right thing by leaving.”
“My mother doesn't like change. She had me all tucked away in her mind as being safe at the monastery. And now here I am.”
Tess put her glass down and turned on her side to face him.
“Thank you for making me dinner,” she said.
Neal scooted down in his chair and turned to face her. “It was my pleasure,” he said.
They sat staring at one another for a few moments: his eyes were the color of the sky at that moment, his eye lashes perfectly curled. Tess felt like a little girl, safe and loved. She curled her knees up closer to her chest and smiled at him.
“What shall we do?” he said.
She shrugged her shoulders. She didn’t feel the need to move right then.
“What would you like to do?” she said.
“How about giving me my first yoga lesson?” Neal said.
“I don't know that much,” she said.
“You know more than me,” he said.
Tess set up the mats so that she and Neal faced one another on the deck. Tess laughed each time she looked at Neal on his mat.
“You'll have to take off your socks,” she said. She was tipsy. She didn’t know how long she’d be able to stay on her feet without falling over. She laughed at herself.
“Oh.” He sat down and pulled off one sock at a time.
“Okay, let's start by setting an intention. Stand at the front of your mat,” Tess said. She brought her hands to a prayer at her chest and nodded for Neal to do the same. “Close your eyes,” she said. “We're going to repeat a mantra three times—Lokaha samasta sukhino bhavantu. It means may all beings everywhere be happy and free. Let's say it together now.” Neal whispered the words along with her. She cleared her throat.
“First pose is mountain pose, or in Sanskrit, Tadasana,” she said. “It’s the basis of all yoga poses. Stand firm, engage your abdomen—it should feel like you're doing a sit up or pulling in your stomach, only you're breathing—and try to feel all four points of your feet pressed firmly into your mat. I like to think of it as the east, west, north, and south of my feet all grounded. It helps to lift up your toes and feel each part of your foot planted down.”
Neal lifted his toes and rooted them firmly into the mat.
“Nice,” Tess said. “Do you feel strong?”
“I suppose so,” he said.
“A few things to remember,” she said. “Keep engaging your abdomen; keep your shoulder blades down and on your back; your chin should be parallel with the floor; oh, and your legs are engaged—your thighs strong and your knees lifting up.”
“Are you studying to be a drill sergeant or a yoga teacher?”
“I know. It's a lot. It's one of those seemingly simple poses—you look like you're doing nothing and yet you’re working hard.”
Neal looked like he was about to step into a strait jacket and she laughed.
“You can relax a bit,” she said. “Let yourself ease into the pose.”
“Sure, now you tell me,” Neal said.
“Imagine yourself a mountain, standing strong and tall; a wind might blow, but you remain firm, rooted. You should feel strong and light. It comes with time, of course—yoga is as much a mental practice as it is a physical practice.”
Neal relaxed and he seemed firmer now, more grounded in the pose.
“Good,” Tess said. “You got it. You’re a natural! Let's do a sun breath in honor of the fading sun.”
“What about a night breath?”
“No night breaths, but there's a pose called half-moon or ardha chandrasana, but that one is a bit difficult for a first timer,” Tess said.
“Forget I suggested it. Let's go for a sun breath.”
“Watch me first,” Tess said. “Inhale your arms down, around, and up to the sky. Look up at your thumbs, and exhale as you dive down toward the floor. Your hands come to your shins; or, if you can, they touch the floor and then on an inhale, reach your arms down, around, and up and look past your thumbs again. Exhale, your arms float by your sides and come into prayer position, or namaste. It’s like swimming,” Tess said. “Ready to try?”
“We're done with Tadasana?” Neal said.
“Ah,” Tess said. “We're never done with Tadasana; in fact, it should be a part of every pose. You're always in Tadasana when you practice yoga. A simple translation is that every part of your body is engaged and that your hips are in one line with one another.”
“Got it,” Neal said, feeling his hipbones and adjusting his torso. “I think I liked you a lot better when we were relaxing on the lounge chairs.”
Tess felt light and free on her mat. She laughed, so that her whole body moved.
“You asked for yoga, you got it!” she said. “I was happy doing nothing.”
“I didn’t realize you were going to really turn into a yoga teacher, or I wouldn’t have gotten myself into this,” he said.
“Try a sun breath. Come on. I'll do it with you,” Tess said.
Tess led them through one sun breath, and then another. When they landed back in Tadasana, Neal asked, “Why are you breathing like you swallowed hot coals?”
“It's called Ujayi breathing. In yoga, you inhale through your nose and filter your breath through the back of your throat. It should sound like you’re saying hah as you breathe. It's to build heat, steady your heart rate, and to keep you from hyperventilating. Here, listen. Tess breathed in and exhaled three breaths, accentuating the hah sound in the back of her throat for Neal to hear. “Now you try,” she said.
Neal focused on Tess and breathed in through his nose and imitated the sound she made, although he sounded like he was gurgling something in his throat.
“Perfect,” she said.
“Why do I sense your laughing at me?” he said.
“Well, you shouldn’t quite sound like you're using mouth wash,” Tess said. “It will become more natural over time, less strained,” she said. “Ujayi breathing slows down your brain waves. It helps you to stay focused and steady. The breathing is actually what differentiates yoga from aerobics or calisthenics. And, if you pay attention to your breath, and keep coming back to your breath each time your mind wanders, you can learn a lot about yourself. If you're breathing fast, for instance, it might mean that you're anxious. If your breath is steady, it tells you that you're calm. Your breath is the link between your body and your mind.”
She supposed she sounded like an advertisement, but the teacher trainers went over it so much that the phrasing was stuck in her head.
Neal sat down on his mat. “I feel like I should be taking notes,” Neal said.
“I’ll be quiet.”
“No, please, don't. I like listening to you.”
Tess sat down on her mat now, too, facing him.
“This one you'll be able to handle no problem. Lie down on your back and let go of everything,” she said.
Neal settled back.
“You don't have to worry about your breath when you're doing shavasana,” Tess said. “It translates to a little death or corpse pose.”
He closed his eyes and Tess could see his abdomen rising and falling.
“Shake out one leg,” Tess said. “Then shake out your other leg. Lift one arm and then let it drop to the mat. Lift up your other arm and let that drop. Move your neck from side to side, and then tuck your chin towards your chest. Now you can let it fall wherever it feels comfortable.”
With her hands, she pressed his shoulders down. They were strong, muscular. She hovered over him, watching him with his eyes closed, before she moved around him, and cradled his neck in her hands, massaging it gently before she placed it back on the mat; how easy it would be to lean over his face, kiss his lips.
“I like shavasana,” Neal said and Tess watched his lips move. He was so vulnerable at that moment.
“Rest,” Tess said.
She traced his eyebrows with her thumbs and with her index finger she pressed lightly on his third eye. His face was calm and clear.
“I ordain you my favorite yoga teacher,” Neal said.
Tess laughed. “And I ordain you my first yoga student,” she said as she made her way to her own mat and lied down, inching her way up, so that the top of her head touched the touch of his head. For a moment, she wondered if her curls were coarse against his scalp, but let it go; he could move away if he wanted. Her eyes open to the falling night sky, the world seemed large to Tess right now.
“It's such a big world,” Neal whispered.
“Yes,” Tess said.
“At the monastery I used to look up at the night sky and imagine myself living far away, on another planet, without the other monks.”
The crickets were chirping in full force now.
“Do you know what I used to say to myself each night when I looked up at the sky?” she said.
“What?” Neal said.
“That my star would shine bright yet. I don't know when I stopped saying that. Maybe I just got tired of looking for my star and not finding it.”
“Do you know which star in the sky is yours?” Neal said.
Tess shook her head. She liked the way their heads were touching as they lied on their backs facing opposite directions. It was as if their minds were connected.
“If you don't know you're star, how would you know if it was shining bright or not?”
Tess closed her eyes and opened them, and the first star that came into view she designated as her star. She liked that there was a chance that at that very moment Neal had chosen the same star. She shivered.
“You're cold,” Neal said.
“No,” Tess said. “I'm fine.”
Neal started to say something and stopped.
“What?” Tess said. “Say what you were about to say.”
“For a long time, I wished that I could get closer to the stars, but at some point, I came to like the distance. In that distance—from earth to the stars—I imagined that anything could happen. Over time I've come to believe that it takes a comfortable distance to be objective. When you see something from a distance, you see it for what it is, free of fear and desire. The closer you get to something, the less you see,” Neal said.
The stars seemed to dazzle brighter as Neal spoke.
“Do you think that there are uncomfortable distances?” Tess said.
Neal paused so that for a moment Tess wandered if he had drifted off.
“I think that an uncomfortable distance is the result of running away from something. There's a difference between running away from something versus letting go of something. You need to be careful about running away. When you run away, it’s fear that guides you. When you let go of your need to own something or control a situation, a comfortable distance blooms,” Neal said.
Tess tried to remember the situations of her life that she had run away from—her ex-husbands, she supposed. But what about now—was she running away from anything or letting go of things? It was too much to consider. She stifled a yawn.
“You're tired,” Neal said.
“Yes,” she said. Slowly, Tess sat up and made her way up to her feet. She looked down at Neal on the mat and he smiled up at her.
Neal made his way to his feet so that he stood before her; she felt the tension between them and nervous tingles filtered through her, making her feel lightheaded. He moved a curl off of her face, and she caught his wrist and kissed his hand, their eyes lingering on one another. It was Tess who broke away first. She began to gather up the extra plates and the utensils and salad dressing. Neal rolled up the yoga mats, and then moved over to the table to help her, gathering the garbage and making sure the grill was shut off. She caught him looking up at the sky one last time as they walked in, and once inside, she locked up the door, switched off the backyard lights, and asked Neal to pull the blinds together.
They passed by the basement study on the way up, where his stuff was, and Buddhi darted from the room, running up the steps in front of her.
“I can't believe it's 10:00,” Tess said when she put the plates and utensils down on the kitchen counter. She didn’t remember an evening that had flown by this fast in a long time. “You can leave the yoga mats by the stairs,” she said.
“It's been a long day,” Neal said.
Tess thought about Neal's mother dropping him off that morning. That seemed like a week ago. “Yes,” she said.
“Can I help you?” Neal asked. “I'm glad to do the dishes.”
“No, thank you,” Tess said. “I'll run the dishwasher.”
Neal stood by the table, the cat sitting at his feet, the two of them waiting while Tess put things away here and there.
“I guess this is goodnight,” he said and she nodded. “Thank you, Tess. I had a wonderful evening.”
“Me too,” she said. “Thank you for dinner.”
“I’ll get my stuff from downstairs, if you’ll wait a minute to let me out,” Neal said.
Buddhi sat still, watching with Tess as Neal walked down the stairs. When he reappeared, satchel in hand, she smiled at him. It had been one of the most romantic nights of her life. One of the most unexpected nights of her life.
He moved toward her and kissed her once on the lips—a quick, firm kiss—before he bowed his head, and was out the door into the cool night air.
Chapter 29: All in a Day’s Work
“What do you mean he quit?” Tess said.
“Well, usually that means a person won’t be working here anymore,” Michael said.
“That’s ridiculous—he’s closing houses left and right. He’s my top performer right now,” Tess said.
“Exactly. He thinks he doesn’t need Best anymore.”
“So he’s going out on his own?” Tess said.
“Tess, I’m just the bearer of news, not his biographer.”
“When did he call you?” Tess said.
“Five minutes before I walked into your office to tell you.”
“Why would he call you and not me?” Tess said.
“When’s the last time you had a conversation with him?” Michael asked.
“That’s not fair. I talk to all of my agents daily,” Tess said.
“Yeah, to tell them to close deals and instruct them on how to make it happen. When’s the last time you asked any of them what’s going on in their lives?”
“Michael, I’m running a business, not group therapy.”
The intercom system beeped on: “Ms. Rose?”
“What is it Lynn?”
“I have a Kyle Dunfried on the phone for you.”
“Put him through,” Tess said.
Michael backed his way out of the room and Tess held up her finger to him motioning hold on.
“Hi Kyle—could you hold a moment?” Tess said.
“I’m going to call Max when I get off the line, so if he calls you back, let him know he’ll be hearing from me,” Tess said.
“Aye aye captain,” Michael said.
“Anything else?” Tess said.
“Jana didn’t close that house in Bergen Beach,” Michael said.
“What do you mean she didn’t close it? The couple made an offer and I told her to accept.”
“Yes, but she felt she could get more money,” Michael said.
“Kyle, one more moment,” Tess said into the phone before she put him back on hold.
“Is she kidding? It was a hefty offer they made. I wanted her to accept,” Tess said.
“When I asked her this morning if I needed to get started on the closing paperwork, she told me it wasn’t a close because they didn’t meet her terms,” Michael said.
“Great, now I have kids with real estate licenses thinking they can do what they want. A couple offers $750,000 for a house and she tries for more money. These agents I’ve got are brilliant. Absolutely brilliant,” Tess said.
“Sorry, Kyle. How can I help you?”
“Just checking in to see if you have any apartments for me,” Kyle said.
“Haven’t had a minute to check in the last few days, but I will.”
“Did the sale for the brownstone in Brooklyn Heights go through?” Kyle asked.
“It did.”
“Right,” Kyle said.
“There’ll be others. And you know that wouldn’t have worked—Dale didn’t want to be there,” Tess said.
“I wonder if she’s going to want to be anywhere. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do at this point: keep searching or give up?”
