From comfortable distanc.., p.40
From Comfortable Distances, page 40
“You’ve made that clear,” Tess said.
“The way Neal talks about the monastery makes it clear to me that he belongs there,” Lyla said.
“That’s all he’s ever known, Mrs. Clay. He spent 23 years there. That’s half of his past; the other half he lived with you and his father,” Tess said.
Lyla sped up so that Tess had to move faster to keep up with her.
“Do you ever wonder if you’ve somehow infused your desire to be part of the religious order onto Neal?” Tess said.
“That’s ridiculous,” Lyla said. She was moving quickly across the streets now. In a few moments, she would be back at her house.
“What I wanted and what I want for Neal are two different things,” Lyla said.
“What do you want for Neal, Mrs. Clay?” Tess said.
“I want him to live the life he was meant to live, free of complications,” she said.
“You’re insinuating that I’m a complication?” Tess said.
Lyla paused when she reached her home, turning to face Tess. The ivy bordering the windows made the house look ominous, as if a giant winged creature would perch on the sill at any moment and torment Tess.
Lyla looked down at the ground before her eyes met Tess’s. She looked tired, worn out, and Tess wondered what it was going on in that brain of hers. Could her whole life revolve around Neal right now, his staying or going, or did she have other issues that pulled at her?
“I don’t think it’s unrealistic to believe that if Neal wouldn’t have met you, he might have gone back to the monastery by now,” Lyla said.
“Which wouldn’t mean it’s the right thing for him. For all you and I know, Neal was never meant to be a monk. Who knows? Whatever Neal chooses, that will be what’s right for him because now, today, this time in his life is still unscripted,” Tess said.
Lyla shook her head. “He doesn’t want to let you down, Tess.”
“Maybe it’s you he doesn’t want to let down. Maybe he thinks he needs to be at the monastery because of you.”
“I think we both want the same thing,” Lyla said.
“And what do you think that is?” Tess said.
“To get through the days,” Lyla said.
“No complications, right?” Tess said.
“Precisely,” Lyla said. “Go on, now. You have to get to work, I have to get ready to get to the nursing home and Neal will be coming home any minute.”
“Mrs. Clay?” Tess said.
“Lyla.”
“Lyla,” Tess said. “I still think it’s never too late.”
“Are you talking to me, or to yourself, Tess?”
She held Lyla’s eyes. She didn’t recognize her as the same woman she had met weeks back at her home. That woman had struck her as impossible, asleep. This new Lyla that was emerging was assured, awake.
“Maybe both of us. What I do know is that every time I thought I was done with whatever I thought I was done with, I wasn’t,” Tess said.
“My life has turned out exactly as it was meant to turn out,” Lyla said.
“Are you happy?” Tess said.
“Life is about hard work, faith, duty, right and wrong.” Lyla held her screen door ajar.
With just a little push, Tess could make her way in, take a look inside.
“But if you’re not happy, the hard work and faith and duty are meaningless,” Tess said.
“To you with your hedonistic ways, that would be the case.”
“You seek the security of knowing you’re living a morally righteous life, but where will that get you?” Tess asked.
“It will get me to heaven!”
“That’s what you hope, but you don’t know. None of us do,” Tess said.
“We can discuss your theories during our walk tomorrow morning. 7:00 am sharp,” Lyla said, and Tess thought she sensed a smirk on her face. With that, Lyla pushed open her wooden door and walked inside, shutting Tess out.
Chapter 45: Way Leads to Way
Tess screeched into the Best Realty lot, maneuvering her way into her parking spot and stopping short so that the folders on the seat beside her slid to the floor. She tossed her keys in her bag, checked her lipstick in the rearview mirror, and leaned down for her fallen folders before she opened her car door and stumbled out. Either she was getting old or her high heels were getting to be ridiculous.
“Sounds like it’s time to bring your car in for brakes,” Michael said. He was waiting by the building’s side door.
“A welcoming committee. How thoughtful of you,” Tess said.
“I was actually getting some air,” Michael said. “Couldn’t resist—such a gorgeous morning. Unlike you, I don’t take an hour stroll around the neighborhood each morning—someone has got to get into the office first thing to take care of business,” Michael said.
Tess rolled her eyes and shook her head before she took in the sky: pale blue with not a cloud in sight. The brisk air made her feel excited, awake. September had set in with its boundless energy and optimism.
“It certainly is a beautiful day.”
“We could play hooky, go into the city,” Michael said. “Hang around Central Park. What do you say?”
He had on his European charcoal grey slacks and a navy button down with his black Sergio Ferragamo loafers and matching belt—his casual, yet collected look, as he liked to put it. It was funny to her that she knew his wardrobe, knew his actions, his expressions as well as she did. Sometimes, like now, when she was near him, she couldn’t believe that she’d slept next to him for a few years of her life. Once she had been passionate with him and now he was just a friend, a work partner, a buddy.
“Earth to Tess?” he said, slicing the air between them with his hand.
His graying hair was longer than usual, the bangs straying onto his face—she knew it was only a matter of days before he cut it short again, but she liked it. He looked freer, sexier. He was a good-looking man. A sweet man when he chose to be. She smiled and he smiled back at her. She couldn’t imagine picking up the pants he had on from the cleaners, getting dressed beside him. She couldn’t imagine any of it, and yet it had all occurred in the not so distant past. Going home with him from work, sitting beside him at the kitchen table. So many chapters to a life. So many routes to take. Who was she to say what was the wrong route, the right route?
“You’re thinking about playing hooky with me,” Michael said. “I can see it in those mysterious eyes of yours. You’re considering a day in the city with your favorite guy.”
“Some of us have to work for a living, Michael,” Tess said.
“That’s a no,” Michael said.
“Not today,” Tess said.
“You’re no fun,” Michael said.
“Who said life was supposed to be fun?” Tess said.
Michael followed her in.
“I suppose you want me to make you coffee?” he said as they made their way to her office.
“I wouldn’t think of it,” Tess said.
“You know it’s already brewing,” Michael said.
“That’s one of the reasons you get paid the big bucks,” Tess said.
Michael stood in her office doorway as she took her suit blazer off. One minute she was cold, the next minute she was hot. Welcome to middle age, she thought.
“Anything else?” she said, pulling out her plush swivel chair.
“How’s yoga training?” Michael said.
Tess sat down in her chair and stretched her arms and hands tall. “It’s moving along I suppose.”
“You know you never thanked me for getting you to a yoga class in the first place,” Michael said.
“You got me there, my friend, but certainly were not the inspiration for me to keep going. Remind me, how many classes did you attend after that first one?” Tess said.
“Got your point. But, if you should ever teach, you can bet on me being in attendance.”
“I won’t hold my breath,” Tess said.
“That would be against yogic principles—holding your breath,” Michael said.
“Is there something you need?” Tess said.
“I heard from your son,” Michael said.
“Great,” Tess said. “When he reaches out to you it usually means trouble.”
Michael moved into her office and sat down across from her. “He thinks that you’ve lost it with this monk affair. He wanted to hear from me that you’re not totally insane.”
Tess slammed her hand on the folder in front of her. “If he thinks I lost it, it’s no doubt because of the ridiculousness you tell him.”
“I tell him the truth—that I don’t know a lot about the guy. Other than that his mother seems nuts.”
“She’s actually a nice woman,” Tess said. “I’ve been walking with her in the mornings now.”
“Just when I think you’ve shocked me as much as possible, you manage to outdo yourself,” Michael said.
“Thank you,” Tess said.
“Let me get this straight. While the monk runs, you’ve taken up walking with his mother?” Michael said.
“Did you ever hear of going with the flow?” Tess said.
“You’ve given that expression a whole new meaning,” Michael said. “Perhaps I’ll come out and join the two of you tomorrow morning.”
“Don’t you even think about that Michael,” Tess said.
“Look at you, getting all bent out of shape,” Michael said.
“She knows who you are. She already thinks of me as a man-izer. The last thing she needs is to hear how we interact,” Tess said.
“How is it that we interact, Tess?”
“Michael, what else did you tell Prakash, so that I know how to mitigate the damage?”
“He wishes that you’d leave Brooklyn and head out west. He thinks it would do you good,” Michael said.
“Of course he forgets I run a business,” Tess said.
“That’s true,” Michael said. He was playing her desk with his fingers, his eyes intent on hers.
“So,” Tess said. “Anything I should know in terms of business?”
Michael shook his head. “Everything is moving along. We’re busy.”
“Very good,” Tess said. She had logged on to her computer and was opening up email.
“Is that your way of dismissing me?” Michael said.
“We are at work,” Tess said. “Things need to get done.”
Michael stood up.
“Tess?”
“Yes?”
Do you plan on seeing this guy much longer?” Michael said.
“Michael, last I checked, I don’t own a crystal ball,” Tess said.
“So you’re going to keep romancing him,” Michael said.
She turned away from her computer to face him. There were times, like now, when she didn’t know how much she could trust him with, when it was better to stay quiet.
“I think he’ll be going back to the monastery,” Tess said.
“Wow. That one caught me off guard,” Michael said.
“It’s just a hunch I have. I don’t know if that’s what’s going to happen. God knows it’s what his mother wants to happen,” Tess said.
“I can’t imagine anyone wanting to leave you,” Michael said.
“It’s about Neal and his life. He has his own responsibilities and commitments. It’s not about me.”
He nodded. Phones were ringing down the hall and Tess heard the agents talking in the kitchen. Best Reality was coming to life for the day.
“I know, I know,” he said. “You have to get to work.” He winked at her and was out of her office.
The roof to the low-rise medical building adjacent to Tess’s office seemed like a great escape route. Only what was she looking to escape? Sometimes all of it seemed so ridiculous to her. Life. Taking herself so seriously. She wasn’t sure how she arrived at this here and now. Part of her was relieved that she got to start over again each day, but there was also a part of her that wondered what the point was to starting over if the same issues kept coming up. Work, relationships: it all seemed to be one big circle. A stray cat sauntered along on the street below, stopping to sniff the grass and then moving into a downward facing dog, before it rolled onto its back. Tess reclined her head back in her chair and closed her eyes. Relationships on the whole exhausted her. All the wondering, the not knowing, the detective work that the mind employed.
And yet, no matter how much the same issues did come up in her life, it intrigued her that each of the days was so different. Days were reminiscent of one another—she recognized feelings of loneliness and fatigue and doubt and joy and love—but the ingredients of each day were so unique. She had the power to change the direction a day was taking, to take a different approach, try something new. She wished she remembered that more. Joy was a choice. Her mother used to say that to her. Joy was a choice. And if that thought failed to inspire, she reminded herself that whatever she was thinking or feeling was only right now.
She gathered the folders on her desk in front of her and the folder with the study sheets Kim had made for the comprehensive yoga teacher-training exam fell out of the bunch. She fingered through the sheets and smiled. Anatomy, asanas, Sanskrit, philosophy. It seemed like too much for any person to know in the midst of all else there was to know in life. She couldn’t imagine ever having to go back and relearn all she knew about real estate, or life, relationships. And now she was trying to master the whole yoga thing. For who and for what? That’s the question that came to her. Wasn’t it enough to just do yoga? Did she really need to know all this stuff? She tried to imagine what her mother would say and now her phone was ringing and she was sure it was something or other about work and she wished that she could float away from it all. Work, this life, the tasks she busied herself with all day. She wished it would be her mother calling, only she didn’t know what it was she wanted to say. That was the strangest thing about someone you loved being gone—there was no way to reach them. She was sure her mother would smile at Tess in her incredulous way, insinuating that Tess was missing the obvious: that of course she could talk to her and that communication had nothing to do with a phone. But at importune times, Tess was a realist—there was only so much she could sit around talking to herself.
Her admin Lynn was asking her to pick up line one and then she was doing just that, mechanically, not hearing who it was. It took her a few minutes to register the voice on the line.
“Luke,” she said.
“I hope that it’s okay I called you here,” he said.
“Sure,” she said.
“You gave me your card when we crossed paths at the yoga studio.”
“Right, I must have,” she said. “Actually, I had wanted to ask you something,” Tess said. “The flyer for the teacher trainer program that was in Moe’s Country Market—did you put that up?”
“I did. In fact, someone took it down and I had to put a second one up,” Luke said.
Tess stopped tapping the pen she held in her hand. Her face was caught somewhere between a vacant stare and a smile. Luke had led her to teacher training. How her mother would have enjoyed that karmic crossing, as she would have called it. Way leads to way is what she would have said.
“The reason I’m calling has to do with your mother’s house,” Luke said. “Your house.”
“Is it okay? Did something happen? Jim Creet didn’t call me,” Tess said.
“Everything’s fine. You know that the house is a landmark up here,” Luke said.
She wondered what her mother would say to hear her home called a landmark. Probably that the house was only as special as the people who spent time there or something to that effect. She saw the sprawling front lawn, the rounding drive leading to the front door, the cherry blossoms by the kitchen, like at her own home, and the massive evergreens shadowing the grounds.
“The foliage must be starting,” Tess said.
“The colors are spectacular,” Luke said.
There was silence on the line for a few moments.
“If I wasn’t so tied up with teacher training on the weekends, I’d make a road trip,” Tess said. “But that won’t be possible until December, when my weekends free up again.”
“I’m calling you with a question,” Luke said.
“Ask me,” Tess said. She was sitting up straight now. What could Luke need to ask her that was so important that he was hemming and hawing to get it out?
“Any decisions yet about if you plan to move back?” Luke said.
“Move back to Woodstock?” Tess said. A pigeon on her windowsill was intent on watching her. Tess knocked on the glass to shoo it. It pecked its beak against the window once, and then again. “I don’t think I’m moving back,” Tess said.
She moved to open her window—she didn’t want it to fly away, but then it was too late. The pigeon had leapt to flight. It glided through the air, free.
“I know I’ve already asked, but thought it couldn’t hurt for me to check in again about your plans. Do you intend to sell it?” Luke said.
“I don’t know. I guess not much has changed about that since I saw you last. I haven’t thought all of the details through just yet,” Tess said.
“I’m sorry, Tess. I know it’s none of my business and that it’s only a few months since your mother passed. I probably shouldn’t be making this call to you. The truth is that folks here would like to buy the house and they put me up to reaching out to you after I said I’d run into you recently.”
“You’re the messenger,” Tess said.
“Yes, I suppose I am. I’m sure it’s no surprise that the people here have a long-term relationship with your home. They would like to convert it into a temple,” Luke said.
“I see,” she said. She heard his words and waited for them to register. Sell her home. Give up the place where she had spent her youth, where her mother had acclimated to America and spread her ways. She couldn’t imagine parting with it, and yet if she wasn’t going to live there, she believed that her mother would want the town people to keep it alive.
“Perhaps it’s something for you to think about? A seed that I’m planting?” Luke said.
