For the fans, p.45
For The Fans, page 45
Former…
Ugh.
Glancing across the room, I spot Frankie, and she looks up, locking her eyes with mine. She shoots me this sympathetic smile, and though it could be because of the mess I find myself in, something about it feels heavier than that.
It feels like the look someone gives you when they know you’re dealing with a break-up, and it makes my skin crawl.
Avi and I didn’t break up. We were never together.
We’re just friends and stepbrothers.
The business is over, that’s all…
Swallowing hard, my lips part, and Frankie starts walking over like she’s coming to talk to me, sucking me in with the magnetic need to confide in someone. I’m getting so damn sick of always carrying everything around myself. Just this once, I want to be able to break down and spill my guts.
But before she can make it over, two new people burst into the room.
Both tall, dark-haired emo boys with painted fingernails and rips in their black jeans. Except that one is a scrawny asshole, and the other is… Well, he’s Avi.
Ash saunters into the room, dragging Avi along by his arm, and I feel like I’m being stabbed repeatedly in the chest by a blunt object just seeing them arrive together… touching. Frankie greets them, whispering something to Avi as she kisses his cheek. And Avi’s gaze immediately flings in my direction, his eyes somehow shimmering both desire and unease my way.
Avi says hello to his friends, and my feet are anchored to the floor, even though I’m vibrating with this overwhelming urge to walk over to him.
But I don’t.
I just stand here, sipping my millionth cocktail of the evening, watching him speak to Zeb, who’s giving him a sly look, whispering things that have Avi rolling his eyes—most likely about the Fans. But neither of them looks over here, so I guess that means I’m alright for now. My reputation is safe, and I can breathe easier.
I should be able to… But it still doesn’t seem to be happening as easily as I’d like it to.
In an effort to distract myself, I allow a few of my teammates to pull me into a game of beer pong, schooling them all, as usual, even with only partial focus, while the majority of it remains across the room.
Ash is hanging all over Avi, throwing his arm around Avi’s shoulder and speaking way too close to his ear. I’m trying not to let it bother me, but when Avi pulls away, and Ash’s hand slides casually down the length of his back, I end up crushing one of the ping-pong balls in my fist.
The booze swimming in my bloodstream is making things hazy, some song by The Weekend weaving its smooth beats all around the room packed with grinding bodies. A few different girls are looking at me, some of them coming over to flirt and giggle and touch my chest. But I just keep inching away because it doesn’t feel right. And the fact that it doesn’t is stressing me out even more.
A hand much larger than those of the girls drops onto my shoulder, and my face shifts. His scent gives him away before our eyes even meet. But then they do, and a blue that looks like storm clouds locks me in place and shallows my breathing.
“Hey…” Avi rumbles, casually enough, though his gaze is saying way more than just that one stupid word. “Can we talk?”
I start to nod like an instinct. But then I glance around at all the people, and I shake my head instead. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Bringing my cup to my lips, I nod in the direction of his friends. “It’s a party. Just go have fun.”
“Kyran, don’t do this,” he sighs, audibly upset, but keeping his voice down so no one overhears us. “You made your point, and the business is done, but… is that really it?” He blinks at me; a fluttering look of gloom.
“I don’t know what you want me to say…” I shrug, my body pulling this unaffected bullshit while my heart is screaming something completely different.
He licks his lips, running his fingers through his hair. “I want you to tell me I was wrong… that ending it didn’t end it.” He looks around quickly before whispering, “Us.”
And I do want to tell him that. I know I do, but I fucking can’t. Because it doesn’t make any sense.
I can’t have feelings for him, because I’m not gay.
That’s the truth, the same one I’ve been clinging to like a child clutches his blankie. I can’t fucking deal with accepting anything else. It’s too big, too confusing.
Too much.
“But us was just an act.” I choke out the words. “For the fans… Remember? That’s all it was supposed to be, the whole time.” Rubbing my eyes, I let out a jagged sigh. “Fuck, Avi, I didn’t ask for any of this…”
The look on his face is slaughtering me. He’s all helpless frustration in those wide gray eyes… I can’t stand seeing it.
This is why I didn’t go over there all week. This is what stopped me… Having to see him looking at me like that.
“Stop being such a coward and admit that this is just you running away again,” he hisses. “God, you’re so afraid to admit that something changed—”
“You’re right,” I bark quietly, cutting him off. “Something did change. I stopped hating you. We’re brothers, friends. And that’s a good fucking thing, Avi.” I shake my head slowly. “But that’s all. It has to be…”
He squares his shoulders, jaw clenching as he murmurs right by my ear, “You never really hated me, Kyran. We both know you didn’t…”
Then he turns and storms away, leaving me shaking and chugging the rest of my drink in two large gulps.
My limbs are heavy as I watch him return to his friends, wedging himself in between Micah and Ash. Ash slings his arm around Avi’s shoulder once more, grinning at him, and Avi’s lips curve into one of his carefree smiles.
Grabbing the nearest bottle, I pour a bunch into some cups and shout, “Who wants shots?!” To which a bunch of people cheer, rushing over.
Lexi wanders up to me, smooshing her boobs into my side as she takes a cup. Tapping mine on hers, I whip it back, handing a few out to nearby people while she scoots up to whisper in my ear.
“I can’t wait to see you looking all sexy in your suit tomorrow night,” she hums, trailing her nails down my back.
I’m so numb I can barely feel it.
I tilt a bemused look at her, and she giggles. “For the banquet, silly.”
“Right,” I slur. “The fuckin banquet.” I gulp back another shot. “How could I forget…”
“I think you’ll love my dress.” Her lips brush my face, and I flinch. “Who knows… maybe I won’t be wearing anything underneath.”
“Hm…” I grumble, uninterested, as my eyes flick across the room once more.
Avi and his friends are now sitting on the couch…. And Ash’s hand is on Avi’s thigh.
I swallow past a sharp stab in my chest, mumbling, “Look, Lexi… whatever we did in the past… I’m sorry, but it’s over.”
“Over??” she gasps. “Why?”
Inching away from her roaming hands, I huff, “Because it could never work. I’m… into someone else.”
She starts whining something, but I’m not even listening. I’m too busy watching another hand. And the way it’s roaming up and down Avi’s thigh…
Avi doesn’t look like he’s into it, but he’s also not pushing it away either.
Why do you care?? You just told him you were only friends, and you’re barely even that, anyway. You should just go back to hating him…
Prove him fucking wrong for saying you never really hated him in the first place, because you totally did.
“Yo, my baby Nueve!” Guty staggers over, handing me a new drink. “This party is litty, mi amigo.”
“Cheers to that, motherfucker.” I knock my cup against his, spilling booze everywhere as I take a sip.
“I’m gonna be so hungover tomorrow,” he grumbles. “Thank God the banquet isn’t until seven.”
“The goddamn banquet,” I scoff, staring at Ash Holloway’s shameless attempts at feeling up my stepbrother. “Why do we even have to go to that?? There are certain people I don’t wanna see, if you know what I mean…”
“I feel you, brother,” Guty hiccups.
I don’t think he’s really listening to me, but whatever. I’m too busy glaring at Avi and his new pal, hanging all over each other.
Frankie also appears to be watching the way Ash is touching Avi. She glances up at me, our eyes locking again in another one of those wordless passes of conversation. Her brows zip together, and she shakes her head subtly.
I simply purse my lips and shrug, sipping my drink.
What does she expect me to do?? Run over there, pull Ash off my stepbrother… Make a fucking scene in front of everyone to prove once and for all that this ache in my chest whenever I’m around him is real?? That every time I look at him, my stomach flips and my skin buzzes and no matter how hard I’ve tried to push it away and pretend like it’s not there, it just seems to be getting fucking stronger, to the point where I feel like pieces of my anatomy are missing when I’m not with him…
I can’t do that. Because who even knows what that stuff means, anyway…
“Where’s Theo?” I distract myself with meaningless words, spinning around to get my stupid eyes away from that stupid couch where all that dumb shit I don’t care about is happening.
“I think he left with someone…” Guty tugs on my arm. “’Who do you think I should hook up with tonight?”
“Dude, I don’t care,” I slur, eyelids drooping. “Hook up with whoever you want.” I shoot a forced smirk at him. “Who do you think I should hook up with tonight?”
Guty chuckles, pinching my cheeks while I fight him off. “You know you can hook up with whoever you want.”
“I need to hook up with someone new…” I rasp, barely even aware of what I’m saying. “I need to fuck away the last one.”
“Who…? Lexi?”
Grunting in lieu of an actual response, my eyes land on these two girls dancing. Their tits are all rubbing together and whatnot, and I start chewing on the inside of my cheek.
That totally used to do something for me… Didn’t it?
I could’ve sworn I really liked it before…
“Whoa! Hello…” Guty shouts next to my face, and I cringe. “Look at this…”
I assume he’s talking about the girls grinding on each other, and I nod, blinking heavily as I wait for my dick to remember that he likes girls.
“Man, I didn’t know your stepbrother played for both teams.” Guty chuckles.
My face swings in his direction. “What…?”
Muscles all over my body are stiffening in unease as he nods across the room. Following his gaze, my stomach falls so fast it’s like I was just shoved out of an airplane.
Avi… My chest caves, crushing my heart between my ribs as my eyes widen.
Avi is kissing Ash… Or Ash is kissing Avi. Whatever… however it’s happening, it’s happening. They’re fucking kissing.
No…
I’m fucking bleeding inside. My body is splitting down the middle, like I’m being violently bisected with rusty tools.
I can’t move. I can’t breathe. I’m just stuck here, in purgatory, staring on as Ash Holloway’s stupid bitch fingers slide up Avi’s neck into his hair, and he sucks and bites on Avi’s lips.
Those lips… I… I thought they were… for me.
I’m about to fucking fall to my knees because I just can’t keep my body upright anymore. The red solo cup is being gripped so hard in my fist, it cracks, and liquor spills down my arm.
Guty laughs and whoops. “Get some, Av!”
“No…” I whimper, then clear my throat. “No.” Tossing the cup onto the floor, I growl, “No. No, no, no. Fuck that.”
Can’t watch. Can’t let this happen.
I stomp in their direction, but Guty grabs my arm, chuckling, “Yo, what are you doing??”
“I’m gonna fucking kill that asshole,” I seethe, gasping at the sight of Avi trying to pull away from the kiss.
He’s pulling away. He doesn’t want it.
Too bad it’s already been going on for way too many seconds.
Fuck! Fuck fucking this! I hate this!
Pushing people out of the way, I storm over to the couch with wrath burning like hot molten lava in my veins.
Anger, frustration, hatred, confusion. The gang’s all here. My adrenaline is jacked right now, and I’m about to rage so hard I think I might seriously hurt someone.
Avi’s eyes are open with Ash’s mouth trailing his jaw, and they widen when he spots me. He dips away from Ash as fast as possible, crashing onto Zeb’s lap and spilling his drink everywhere.
“You bitch!” Zeb stands up, drenched in booze. “This is Prada!”
Lunging, I grab Ash Holloway by his arm, hauling him to his feet and whipping him across the room. He goes flying into a bunch of people, and everyone topples into a pile of bodies.
“Kyran! Wait—” Avi shouts.
“Dude, mellow!” Guty hollers.
But it’s too late. I’m already launching myself at Ash, grabbing him by the throat and slamming him onto the floor.
“Don’t fucking touch him!” I snarl over Ash’s face, all semblance of control lost. I may have blacked out. My body is working on total impulse, the need to destroy this fucking prick for kissing my Avi taking over every fiber of my being. “He’s not yours, you hear me?!”
My fist cocks back, but someone grabs my arm. Several someones.
At least four of my teammates are holding me back, trying to pry me off of Ash, while Ash just lies there on the floor beneath me, blinking wide, baffled eyes up at my face.
“Harbor, stop!” someone says. I think it’s Fellows. “Don’t do this, bro. Think about it…”
I… don’t… fucking… care.
My anger is visceral. I can’t find my way out of it. All I see are flickers in my mind…
A dark room.
My father’s disappointed face.
A rosary wrapped around a weathered hand…
“Fuck!” I roar.
And even with four of them on me, they can barely lift me off of Ash while I fight to get back down there and bash his fucking face in for kissing those lips.
Avi’s smile slips away… When I tell him he has no clue who he is.
All the times I brushed him off… Knocked books out of his hands in high school, called him a loser in front of my friends…
All the times I walked out on him.
They’re all flashing through my thoughts, blinding me with so much emotion, I can barely breathe. Like a slideshow, it’s playing in broken clicks.
Bedsheets wrapped around us… His fingers treasuring me with touch, his hair hanging in his eyes.
Laughing, smiling, kissing, breathing…
I’m fucking drowning in it. The way it changed.
The way he became mine.
“Fucking let me go,” I grunt, sniffling as I whip myself out of their hold, jumping off of Ash and stumbling away.
Sucking air into my lungs as best I can, I keep my head down while I pant, rushing out of the dorm with Guty by my side, his hand on my back.
“It’s all good,” he calls out to the rest of the party, loud but calm. “We just need some air. Everyone’s fine.”
I can feel eyes staring at me, and it’s like a huge fluorescent interrogation light shining in my face as I stomp past the lingering bodies, up the hallway, putting space between me and this prying situation.
Adrenaline is still buzzing me from head to toe, and I no longer feel drunk. But now the despair is overwhelming the fuck out of the anger, and I just need to sit down.
Breathe. Relax.
You’re here… You’re fine.
Guty brings me to a quiet end of the hall where I rip myself away from him and start pacing, yanking my hair in my fists.
He watches me with worried eyes. “You good?”
“No. No, I’m not fucking good,” I hiss, shaking my head.
“What’s your problem with that dude, anyway?” he asks carefully.
“He’s a fucking prick!” I growl.
“Why?? What even happened—”
“He stole my girlfriend in high school, and now he’s stealing my—” My voice cuts out quick, and I blink at Guty, who’s staring at me like I’m nuts. Shifting my tone, I mutter, “He was practically molesting my fucking stepbrother. Forgive me for trying to defend him…”
You sound like such a whacko.
Guty’s head tilts. “I don’t know, bro… It looked like Avi was enjoying himself.”
“What do you know about what he fucking enjoys…” I scrub my face with my palms.
I’m fully aware that I’m making myself look bat-shit crazy right now, but I can’t help it. I can’t stop picturing Ash’s mouth touching Avi’s and it’s driving me fucking mental.
Guty is quiet for a while until eventually he clears his throat. “Alright, kid. I’m hearing you. I just don’t want you to do something stupid that could fuck us all over.”
I nod fast, leaning up against the wall with a crash. “I get it. I’m sorry…”
“Don’t be. Nothing happened.” He squeezes my shoulder. “I’m gonna go make sure everyone’s chill… No one’s calling campus security or any dumb shit.”
I nod again, rubbing my eyes while he clomps up the hall. I hear him mumbling to someone, and my eyes shoot open to see who’s coming, desperately wanting it to be…
“Oh. Hey…” I sigh as Frankie pads over to me, barefoot and carrying her shoes.
“Don’t look so excited to see me,” she mumbles in amusement.
“Sorry, I just…”
I wanted it to be him.
“Avi wanted to come talk to you, but I told him to give you space.” She leans up against the wall by my side. “Kyran, I totally understand why you’re freaking out. Trust me, I do. But this shit is giving him whiplash.”
Peeking at her, I swallow down a hard lump of emotion. “And you think it’s not the same for me?? I have no fucking clue what I’m doing anymore…”
“I get it,” she says softly. “It’s scary… coming to terms with stuff.”
