“Divorce is probably the least romantic thing on earth,” I said after a moment. “To be honest, I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love or get married again. It’s just too painful when it doesn’t work out.”

  TWENTY-ONE

  Tommy

  Harley’s words haunted me all through my physical therapy session.

  To be honest, I don’t think I’ll ever fall in love or get married again.

  That hurt on so many levels.

  I hated that for her and even more for me because chances were that she would never love me again, much less marry me. And she was still the only woman I could imagine marrying. The most beautiful woman on earth as far as I was concerned. I could get lost in her gorgeous eyes and her sweet smile. I had dreams about digging my fingers into her soft, silky hair as I kissed her. I’d pictured her face every time I’d fucked someone else the last three years, sometimes simultaneously cursing myself for needing that fantasy of her to get myself off.

  I wasn’t angry anymore, but I was battling disparate emotions.

  I was still hurt that she’d left me without giving me a chance to understand what was happening.

  I was relieved to finally know the truth, and to know that the two of them hadn’t had an affair.

  That was selfish of me, but I’d really struggled with the idea of Harley cheating.

  We’d been so in love it was hard to imagine her with anyone else.

  Not then and not now.

  Except that one time.

  One night of fun that had changed the course of all of our lives. Carter had initiated it by walking in, but I’d been right there with him, totally down with watching him fuck my wife.

  My wife.

  The woman I loved.

  My soulmate.

  What had I been thinking?

  There was no shame in getting wild between the figurative sheets. Harley and I had done that in spades when we’d been together. But bringing someone else into the bedroom had to be done cautiously, and I’d thrown caution to the wind, even knowing that Carter had a crush on her. Except it wasn’t a simple crush, and I’d known that too, but we’d always downplayed it because it was easier. On both of us.

  And that one moment of… what had it been? Weakness? Wildness? Something else? Whatever it was, it had cost me almost everything. Somehow, I had to come to terms with the fact that I’d brought this on myself. If I hadn’t given Carter the go-ahead, she wouldn’t have gotten pregnant, and we’d probably still be married.

  Fuck.

  I had to stop thinking that way.

  Too much had happened for us to find our way back to each other, and deep down that had always been my hope, that she would come back and tell me she’d made a mistake. That didn’t seem to be the case, though, and I had to accept it.

  “Hey, Tommy.” Allisha smiled as I walked into her office and Harley, who was already there, smiled too.

  “Hey.” I sank into a chair, wincing.

  “Knee sore?” Harley asked.

  I nodded. “Yeah. I might have pushed too hard at therapy.”

  “You’re postponing those L.A. shows so you don’t have to push too hard,” she admonished me. “Give yourself time to heal.”

  “Yes, dear.”

  We all laughed, and Allisha got up to close her door. “So, what do we want to talk about today? I take it you’re both feeling better than you did yesterday?”

  “I am,” I admitted. “Well, I take that back. I feel better about some parts of it, but other parts still bother me.”

  “Such as?”

  “I’m still really fucking hurt that you didn’t trust me enough to come to me when you found out you were pregnant,” I said, speaking directly to Harley. “I know you say you wanted to protect me because you knew I’d be upset about the baby, but you had to know it would hurt me when you left. The only thing you said was that our marriage wasn’t working anymore. I still don’t know what that means, so imagine how I felt then. How did you measure the different types of pain?”

  Harley chewed on her lower lip. “I guess I figured you’d find another wife or girlfriend without any problem. You’re Tommy Bane from Onyx Knight—you have your choice of almost any woman you want, in any city, all over the world. Eventually, you’d get over me. But me having your best friend’s baby… that would always hurt. That would always be right there in your face, showing off the one thing you couldn’t give me. You wouldn’t even entertain the notion of adoption. How were you going to react to seeing mine and Carter’s child every day?”

  That much was true.

  Early on, we’d talked about “someday” having kids, maybe three or four.

  We’d loved the idea of a family.

  But we’d also loved each other.

  “But we were…” I shook my head, trying to find the precise words to describe how in love we’d been. “Jesus, Harley, we were soulmates! How could you just walk away from that without even giving me the chance to decide if I was okay with your pregnancy?”

  “I had to make a decision,” she whispered. “I made the one I thought was best at the time.”

  Neither of us spoke and the peacefulness of our conversation at breakfast seemed to disappear, replaced by a whole new set of negativity and frustration.

  “Tell her what’s on your mind,” Allisha encouraged. “We already know that keeping things inside doesn’t work.”

  “I’m just mad you blew up our marriage without giving me a chance. That’s the part I can’t seem to get past.”

  “I’m sorry.” Her eyes were sad. “But I was thinking of you and the band. What would happen if you couldn’t forgive Carter for getting me pregnant? Would you leave the band? Would one of you have to quit? There was a lot at play, and I didn’t want to be Onyx Knight’s Yoko Ono.”

  As usual, I’d only been thinking about myself.

  I hadn’t given a second thought to how it might have impacted the band.

  “Put yourself in Harley’s shoes for a moment,” Allisha said gently. “Think about what you would have been worried about.”

  I rubbed my hand down my face impatiently, trying to imagine a scenario where I was the one considering leaving Harley.

  The simple truth was, there wasn’t one.

  There was nothing she could have done short of castrating me or something that I wouldn’t have forgiven her for.

  “I understand intellectually,” I said finally. “It’s just the emotional part that’s hard to wrap my head around.”

  “I’d like to be friends again,” Harley said softly. “But I understand it you can’t. Or just don’t want to.”

  Friends.

  How the hell was I supposed to be just friends with the woman I loved more than anything else on earth? It would be so much easier to just walk away and never see her again, but that was unrealistic too. We had mutual friends, shared interests in the band, and she was now friends with Presley and Jesse. She would be around whether we were friends or not, and being enemies wouldn’t make it any easier.

  “We can’t go on the way we’ve been,” I said carefully. “Avoiding each other isn’t going to work, especially with this new bullshit with the masters, and frankly, it’s exhausting trying to behave like you don’t exist.”

  “I don’t know where we go from here,” she said after a moment.

  “I don’t either.”

  “You both have plenty of time left here, and I think with daily therapy sessions and some soul searching, we may come up with a plan.” Allisha looked from me to Harley and back again.

  “I’m open to whatever you suggest,” I said.

  “There’s no magic fix,” she continued. “Time really does heal, and that part can’t be rushed. You’re still grieving the end of an extremely important relationship, along with the death of your friend, and both of those together bring on a lot of difficult emotions to navigate.”

  “So what do we do?” Harley asked.

  “I’ve been thinking about that, and I have an idea. What if you spent your time here just… existing. Together, apart, in group sessions, whatever it is. You don’t have to spend all your time together—in fact, I highly recommend that you don’t—but a couple of hours every day. Try being friends and see how it feels. If it doesn’t work, or if it’s too hard, you’ll know you need more time. Or maybe that you’ll never be friends and you have to settle for being acquaintances.”

  I looked at Harley and she nodded. “I can do that.”

  “Same.” I reached over and put a gentle hand on her arm. “I really want to try.”

  “Me too.” She paused. “I’ve missed you, Tommy.”

  “I missed you too.”

  Our eyes met and for the first time in more than three years, the strange tightness in my chest went away. It had started the day Harley had served me with papers, and while I didn’t always notice it—like when I was on stage—it had been an ever-present reminder of everything that had gone wrong since she’d left me.

  And just like that, it was gone.

  I couldn’t explain my abrupt change in attitude but there was no doubt jealousy played a part in it. The thought of the only woman I’d ever loved cheating with my best friend had never sat right with me, and I’d spent the last sixteen months or so hating both of them for it. I was so angry I hadn’t even been able to properly grieve for Carter, and now it felt like I could finally start that process. It lifted a huge weight from not just my shoulders, but from my entire soul.

  I was lighter, freer, and suddenly extremely anxious to work on this trial friendship.

  If we could find a way to be friends again, maybe we could find a way to be more.

  TWENTY-TWO

  Harley

  After our session with Allisha, Tommy walked me back to my room and we’d decided we would start every day by having breakfast together. We’d see each other in group therapy, and we planned to alternate sessions with Allisha; one day we’d have individual sessions, and the next we’d meet with her together. It sounded good when we planned it, and I found myself looking forward to when I’d see him again.

  I was in dangerous territory with this new quest for friendship, but I hadn’t been able to bring myself to say no when Allisha suggested it. I’d talked to her about that at our session today, and she’d reminded me the whole purpose of this was to test out the waters. If it wasn’t comfortable, or if it made things worse, we could end the experiment at any time.

  The funny thing was I didn’t want to end it.

  I couldn’t wait until breakfast so I could spend more time with him. If it were up to me—and my treacherous heart—we’d be together all day.

  Tonight was bingo night in the main hall, and I found myself heading in that direction after dinner because I wasn’t ready to go back to my room. To my surprise, Tommy was already there, sitting next to Quinn and surrounded by a handful of older ladies I didn’t recognize. They seemed enthralled with whatever he was saying, and I watched for a moment, remembering a time when he’d enthralled me too.

  “You still love him, huh?” Mina’s soft voice made me jump but I turned to give her a wry smile.

  “Unfortunately.”

  “He loves you too, you know.”

  I laughed. “Oh, I’m willing to bet he doesn’t.”

  She shook her head. “I don’t know much, but I know a man in love when I see one, and that boy has it bad for you.”

  I looked over at him and couldn’t help but sigh at the picture he made sitting there surrounded by people twice his age. Yet he was completely at ease, telling a story that had the group hanging on his every word.

  “I used to look at him like that,” I said softly.

  “You still do,” she whispered. “You just try to do it when he’s not looking.”

  “I wish I didn’t do it at all,” I admitted. “I’m trying so fucking hard to get over him.”

  She arched her perfectly drawn-on eyebrows. “How’s that working out for you so far?”

  I made a face at her. “You’re not helping.”

  She laughed and slid her arm through my elbow. “Come on. Let’s play bingo and I’ll tell you a story about unrequited love.”

  “That sounds depressing,” I protested, even as I let her drag me to a table across from the one where Tommy was sitting.

  He caught my eye as I sat down and gave me a quick wink before turning back to his story.

  And like a dumbass, my heart fluttered with excitement.

  The night we’d met, our eyes had locked across a crowded dance floor, and he’d winked. Winking had become our thing and having him do it now reminded me once again of how much fun we’d had together. And how hard it had been to leave him.

  I didn’t know if there was even an iota of truth to what Mina thought, but if there was, I had to fight for it. Because I couldn’t lie to myself and pretend I didn’t want him to love me again.

  “You gotta play a little hard to get,” Mina whispered, nudging me with her elbow. “You’re practically simpering over him.”

  “Simpering?” I repeated the word and burst out laughing. “How old are you again?”

  “Hey, don’t make fun of old people.” She wagged her finger at me. “You’ll be my age before you know it.”

  “Regardless, Tommy and I were together a long time. I don’t even know how to play hard to get with him.”

  She rolled her eyes. “You could start by not staring.”

  “I’m not staring!” I protested.

  “Are too.”

  Instead of answering, I grabbed a couple of bingo cards from the middle of the table and reached for a handful of chips that would be used to mark our spots on the cards.

  “Did you save a seat for me?” Harriett dropped down in the seat next to mine with a grin.

  “Sure did.” Mina nodded.

  “What are we staring at?” Harriett followed my gaze before I could avert it. “Oh. Tommy. He’s hot as fuck.” She looked at me. “Why are you divorced? Did he cheat?”

  “No. It’s a long story.”

  “We have time.”

  “I don’t really—” I was saved by the announcement that the game was starting.

  Mina and Harriett were funny, talking like they were old friends, and I was content to listen to them chatter in between rounds. They’d only met a week ago but were already fast friends and I wondered if I could make friends that quickly. I’d had a lot of friends before Tommy, but I’d let go of a lot of them after we got married and I’d slowly let most of the rest go after the divorce.

  Tommy had never put demands on me, so I couldn’t blame it on him. Yes, he’d been busy writing and playing music, but it had been my choice to follow him. We’d been so deeply in love, it never occurred to me that it might not be healthy for us to be so co-dependent. Especially me, since he had a career and the band. Back then, all the guys in the band had been perpetually single, making me the sole band wife. I’d taken on the role of platonic wife to all of them, making sure they ate and didn’t get into too much trouble.

  I’d been the one who made sure the girls who came backstage were of age, and despite Carter’s addiction, I’d done my best to get him safely to bed at night. It hadn’t always worked out, because no one could stop him when he was on a bender, but we’d all given it a shot. I’d also been the one to suggest rehab the first time. That hadn’t gone over well until Kingston found him in a puddle of his own puke one morning when he didn’t make it to the bus on time.

  Those had been hard times, but we’d weathered them together, and then when both the fame and money started rolling in, we’d had good times.

  “You’re not even paying attention,” Harriett said to me as she marked the B16 box on my card. “You okay?”

  “Just thinking about the past.”

  “Don’t do that.” She grimaced. “All it’ll do is rip open the wounds.”

  “I’ve done that just by coming here.”

  “B9!” The announcer called.

  “Bingo!” Tommy stood up with his arms in the air.

  I couldn’t help but laugh at his excitement.

  The prizes were ridiculous.

  A pair of socks.

  A candy bar.

  A box of tissues.

  Gambling wasn’t allowed, so they framed it as providing us with necessities, and everyone had a good laugh every time they got up to choose their prize.

  Tommy went to the prize table, picked up something I couldn’t see, and then headed in my direction.

  “For you,” he said, presenting me with a package of Twizzlers.

  He’d remembered they were my favorite.

  This friendship thing was going to be so easy if he kept this up.

  “Thank you,” I whispered.

  “Any time.”

  “Awww… look who has a crush!” Harriett teased.

  I blushed, which made no sense, but I felt just like I had the night he’d asked me out for the first time. Had it really been thirteen years? It felt like a lifetime ago.

  “You ladies want to come up to my room for a nightcap?” Harriett asked us as the evening came to an end. “I’ve got champagne and a charcuterie board coming.”

  “I don’t think so,” Freya murmured. “I have some paperwork to catch up on. But thank you for inviting me.”

  “I could have some bubbly,” Mina said, ignoring her.

  I hesitated.

  I didn’t have a drinking problem, so I was allowed to drink if I wanted to, but I’d been working on my health and alcohol seemed counterproductive.

  “Come on, one glass of champagne won’t hurt you,” Harriett said. “And I can order some sparkling juice if you really don’t want to drink.”

  “All right, I’m in.” I fell into step with them and followed them toward the elevators.

  “Harley.”

  I turned at the sound of my name and found Tommy a few feet behind me.

  “What time do you want to meet for breakfast?” he asked.

  “Nine?”

  “Sure.” He nodded and we got into the elevator with him and Quinn behind us.

 

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