Quantum state, p.11
Quantum State, page 11
“I just want to know the truth,” I tell Kazimir, and that's not a lie. “Who Mama really was, if she really led Freedom, and why she hid the key that MAQS so desperately wanted back.”
Kazimir scratches his head, his full head full of brownie-colored hair, like the brownies I burnt. Then, he responds with a heavily quirked brow, “Masha Mikhailov the first”—he says this to distinguish my mama from myself—“was most assuredly the leader of Freedom. Of that I can promise you.”
I lock eyes on him, maybe even flirting a bit with a tousle of hair and a lick of lips. But this is for Freedom, for Mama.
He continues after we both sip our wine again. “I'm not sure what that means about who she was, other than she opposed our system. The system that makes this district great.” His trite answers leave me unsatisfied, and it occurs to me that one way to the truth could be through this generous gift of MAQS—the wine!
I pour his glass to the top again after I do my own, to show him that I'm in on this wine plunge too. I drink half of my glass and lay my palm over his shoulder, caressing his cheek, feeling his subtle chin hairs that need to be shaven, and I remember Esfir and how I nag him to shave all the time.
Now, I honestly am getting tipsy, and I need Kazimir tipsy too. Finally, he drinks his glass to match my own and I lay on my back, letting my fluffy, dark hair fall around me, and I giggle like I do when I get tired, and look up at Kazimir.
He notices my change of mood and takes more wine before filling his glass another time. I push the top of the glass to his lips as I encourage, “More, more,” with a few more giggles…and my strategy works. Kazimir drinks yet another glass and finally falls next to me.
We lay side by side, me laughing into his side while he strokes his fingers over my forehead, our gazes never breaking, until he kisses me on the chin and then the lips, and I forget everything. His hands like birch leaves surround my face, hold my cheeks, as his lips—soft and wet—take mine.
His hand caresses my shoulder, while his other rakes through my thick hair, and I let him. I let him, because I'm tipsy, because I want more information about Mama, because…I like him too, and maybe it takes me being half-drunk to realize that—to come clean with myself, but I can't step away from this now. I'm in all the way. Even MAQS declared the union.
I'm not sure how long we lay like that, stay entwined, but eventually I come to my senses, and the blur above me becomes trees, and I remember why I wanted him drunk, what I wanted to know, and squeeze out from under him.
“Where you going?” Kazimir asks, his face all kinds of disappointed, and I throw my hands over his shoulders, pulling his mouth to me in a tease.
“Why did Mama hide the key?” My words are slurred and now we are both half gone. “I mean, a key?” I laugh. “What has MAQS got to hide?” I say incredulously, as if she couldn't possibly hide anything because she is perfectly unbiased and unprejudiced and unable to deceive.
Then, Kazimir tells me, his whispered words a cloud over my ears, and I don't think even he knows what he's saying. He laughs with me, his laughter like a long breath of fresh air. “She has to keep her quarters locked, of course.”
I laugh again, this time for show because his revelation hasn't fallen on deaf ears. “Her quarters? She's a machine!” I laugh more.
Our laughter feels contagious, and blows over us like a reckless wind as Kazimir slurs, “A machine needs a home too!” His laughter grows, as if this is the funniest joke, and I have to know more.
Hitting my hand over the blanket, I try hard to control my laugher—one I've half concocted now—and further ask, “But why would she need a key?! She doesn't even have arms!” I roll over onto my stomach, my hands beating the blanket in uncontrollable laughter as if that is the funniest point in Cherni history when Kazimir finally gives me more.
After a few seconds of him holding his belly in laughter, he says, “KLI uses the key! Not MAQS!” He laughs as if this is obvious.
“KLI?”
“Key-Link to Interface.”
“Oh.” I giggle some more. “That clears things up.”
I throw my hands over his chest, letting my breath roll over him as he answers, “He's diagnostics.”
I roll off of Kazimir, both of us still laughing side by side as my mind wanders over everything he's told me, and I wonder if he'll remember anything later.
We fall asleep in each other's arms for several hours, while the wine wears off, and when I awaken, I see Esfir standing over us with disgust so deep it could be etched in his face. “Esfir!” I jump to my feet, startled. Kazimir just blinks awake as I race toward Esfir, chasing him through the park and into the patch of birch trees where we first ran away from the Keepers. “Esfir!” I tug on his shoulder and he jerks around with a crooked lip.
“What?!” His face is unforgiving, and I've never seen him this angry. “With Kazimir! The Keeper! I thought you detested Keepers!”
“I do…it's complicated.” I trip over my words.
“Doesn't look complicated to me.”
“Well it is.” My face feels hot, and I tremble from the cold breeze rushing over me. The sky is darker, and then I can't think of anything to do but to grab Esfir with both hands and pull him into me, catching his lips—like I've caught Kazimir's. We freeze like that for a few seconds, without either of us pulling away, and I want to keep him there, to be my protector, not Kazimir—at least in this moment.
Then, my wristwatch buzzes.
“Curfew,” Esfir says. “Better be getting home.”
I turn and see Kazimir approaching me from behind when he takes my hand to guide me out of the park, still half hungover. I nod to Esfir.
“Later,” Kazimir tells Esfir, as if they're pals, but I see the disgust in Esfir grow—for Kazimir, for me—and I just break inside and just have to make this right. Somehow, someday.
“Later,” Esfir returns, but I know he burns inside like coals just lit on fire.
Kazimir walks me back to my house, the journey shorter than the walk after our first date, and I don't even notice he's holding my hand until we are at the front door and I have to release him.
“Look, I know you and Esfir are friends, have been friends for a long time,” Kazimir explains, almost apologizes for my behavior. “I don't expect you to just get over him overnight.”
I'm not sure what to say, because Kazimir is more insightful than I gave him credit for, and more forgiving. “I…I'm sorry.”
I feel like I could just die.
“It's fine. I'll just see you later, okay?”
“Okay,” I say, feeling resigned as he walks away seemingly unscathed, and I can't believe Kazimir would let me get away with loving Esfir. I know of girls whose husbands-to-be demand that MAQS forbid it once courtship begins—and she does. In time, everyone comes around to MAQS' way of thinking, forgetting their Pod loves, as if from some distant dream. I guess children and family have a way of doing that to everyone.
When the front door opens, I'm greeted by Papa and Diana and their ear-to-ear grins.
The door closes and the questions begin. “So, how did the date go?” My stepmum presses her hands over her hips as she follows me into the kitchen. “You kids were out for a while.”
“But I doubt even MAQS will get upset if you came in after curfew with Kazimir,” Papa reasons, saying the name Kazimir as if he was a ruler of a nation.
I notice a pot of vegetable stew on the stove and take a bowl for myself. Kazimir and I never got around to eating. No wonder I feel like throwing up, after having so much alcohol. I take a few spoonfuls of the potatoes, carrots, and zucchini, and then answer my probing parents.
“It was nice.” I'm sure they are unsatisfied.
My stepmum squeezes beside me. “So, where did he take you?”
“It was just the park.”
“The park, huh?” she responds with a glimmer in her eye. “Did he bring something to eat?”
“Yeah, food and drinks,” I reply, and shove more stew into my mouth.
“Well, so you seem to be starting to like him.” My stepmum's face beams more than Anna's from Pod, and I feel more frustrated because I know she's right—and it's now becoming obvious.
As I eat, my head feels dizzy. What just happened?! I made out with Kazimir, and Esfir caught us! I'll have to explain things to Esfir. After dinner, I head to bed and desperately want rest, knowing that after Pod tomorrow I'm going to have to face Esfir and just hope he understands.
By morning, I have a new mantra. Six more days. Six more days. The worry consumes me, my head repeating the timeframe over and over while Pod passes by as usual. I can't think much about my assignments, or how distracted I must appear to the educatebots and my friends, though they'd probably just brush this change off to me getting married soon.
At lunch, Anna's girls follow me around with their usual excited routine, the one they've done ever since I've become engaged to Kazimir, all except Inna, who probably follows more out of obligation to her friends than anything else. Inna doesn't seem interested at all in the gossip about Kazimir and whenever it starts up, she quickly finds a way to sidetrack it. But this time I might not need Inna to interrupt Darya, because I'm ready. I stay at my corner of the building to avoid all probing; I just nod and smile and don't say much while I shove food into my mouth to ignore the answering of questions from Darya and Anna. Vera just watches.
Somehow I manage not saying much except a short sentence here or there. Darya is not pleased, and finally gives up when the horn blows for classes to resume.
After gardening class, I finally leave Ascania Pod and head to Esfir's area, where I see him sitting on the grass outside Romanov Pod. His head is low and he seems dejected as he stares at a crinkled paper between his crossed legs.
“What you got there?” I point with my eyes, hoping desperately for anything from him.
“What do you care anymore?” he says with a bitter tone like sour milk caught in his throat.
I sigh, disappointed; he's still mad. After sitting beside him, my legs criss-crossed in front of me, he leans away and his expression is wrinkled, but I know him. So, I recline into him and nudge. “Stop being a jerk.”
“I'm a jerk? You're the one consorting with the enemy.” He looks back down at his paper with a concentrated face and I notice he's studying blueprints. Then, he whispers, “While you've been playing Romeo and Juliet, I've figured out where to find the key.”
I glance to the Echos over the sidewalk and cup my hands over his ear in a hushed whisper. “I'm consorting with the enemy because that's the only way we're going to get out of here.”
“What do you mean?” he asks, his anger now dissipating as his face softens, the crinkles around his eyes loosening.
“I know now what's under town hall and who has the key.”
We both stare at each other before Esfir helps me up with outstretched arms and we walk toward the Cylindrical because the park has far fewer Echos. “What do you mean you know what's under town hall?” he presses.
I feel almost proud I've figured this out before him, that my sneaky plan actually worked. “I got Kazimir drunk on purpose, and he told me.”
Esfir laughs, his laughter more like gushes of water rushing over me, engulfing me whole, and I'm relieved. “Great plan. So, what is it?”
“It's where MAQS is kept!”
Esfir freezes, that single thought swirling his mind like a tornado. “MAQS is down there?! Are you sure?” Him saying it aloud makes us both stunned for a moment.
“That's what Kazimir said, and unless he's wrong, then she is.”
He paces over the grass. “That makes complete sense, why your mama wanted the key, why Freedom rebels blew up town hall. If you can stop MAQS, you can stop the system. We wouldn't even have to escape, we would finally be free.”
“Whether we stop MAQS or not, I'm escaping Cherni,” I say as if I need to defend my resolution, a solution he found first. Nothing matters to me more since Mama was dragged away into Cherni's cells, since I shared those cells, than getting the hell out of here. That's what Mama would want, I've concluded.
“Yeah, sure. We're going,” Esfir confirms, and then he taps my shoulder. His pacing finally stops. “So, who has the key? Because I know now it's kept at town hall.”
“Well, Kazimir confessed that a bot named KLI holds the key. He's MAQS' diagnostics bot.”
“So, we know who we're looking for,” Esfir says to me with pride—proud that I didn't really betray him, that I could be this sneaky.
“Yeah, and we know where, too, thanks to you.” I catch his smiling at my comment. “All we've got to do is steal it.”
“Yeah, that's all,” I say incredulously, because stealing a key from a protected building will be more difficult than either of us can surely imagine.
Esfir stares at me, and everything tells me he longs to kiss me—his desirous gaze, his flirting fingers over my shoulder—but he doesn't. Instead, he makes a joke. “Kazimir drunk.” He laughs again, shaking his head.
I shrug. “What else could I do?” I half-grin, glad Esfir's forgiven me, because I can't imagine my life without him.
He pulls me in and hugs me tight, like everything is forgiven, like he understands, and I finally feel we're good again. When he releases me, I watch Esfir under this bleak sky with a newfound hope that I might get out of here before my eighteenth birthday when I'll be forced to marry Kazimir and perform my duty to Cherni. The anxiety I had earlier vanishes. All I see is Esfir's calm confidence, and the certainty in his eyes makes me feel I can do anything.
Esfir nudges me this time. “You know, you really should be getting home. If you're not home soon, your parents might start asking questions. MAQS could sentence you to some kind of punishment. After all, aren't you still forbidden to go anywhere unless it's for your duty?”
My head drops. “Yeah.”
“Then, we'll meet here tomorrow instead of Pod. Tell your parents you're sick. Sneak out and meet me here.”
“Meet you?” My forehead wrinkles and I feel anxious again.
“We don't have much time, and we have to get that key and sneak underneath town hall.”
My legs shift. “If we're caught…”
“We won't get caught.”
We walk together, hands brushing each other, over the hilly mounds of the park and down the decline to return to the Pod, where I say goodbye. But this time, he's not angry with me and I'm so grateful for that.
When I return home, my stepmum is finishing up dinner as usual and Papa is reading the newspaper at the table waiting for his spoonful of vegetable chili. I hear Julian cry in his room and my stepmum looks to me.
“Well?” she replies as she sets the ceramic bowl of chili on the table for supper.
I grumble as I push myself up from the dining chair I'd finally comfortably squeezed into, and head toward the baby's room. Julian's body shakes as he screams, and I have to pick him up slowly and rest his body against my chest as I coo and soothe. I even sing a song I learned from Mama. We used to watch a cartoon together on the TV sofa which played the song, I'm a Little Teapot. That song seems to be his favorite, and when he hears the tune, he immediately slows his cries, which eventually turn into sniffles.
I finally manage to calm him and lay him back down on his stomach inside his crib, and then wonder how his life will be here in Cherni when he grows up. If Cherni will be different, more free, ten years from now. If anything I do now will make any difference. If I succeed at leaving Cherni, if I will ever see him again.
I kiss his cheek, wanting so desperately to change things for him, for us all. Then, I tiptoe out of the room after shutting off the lights and head back to the dining table. My parents are already eating and my bowl is filled with chili. Potato, corn, tomato, and lots of different kinds of beans. White, black, pinto, and kidney. I guess I should start loving these beans, because if I don't get out of here, I'll be spending much of my time eating them. I plop into my chair and take a few bites before Papa interrupts my much-needed relaxation.
“So, you will be married soon.”
My eyes peek out from under my hair. This again? I slip down my seat, wanting to hide. “Yeah,” I reply unenthusiastically.
“Soon you'll be moving away from us, and into your own home. You'll leave Pod and tend to your new home and your duty.”
“Can't wait,” I say more sarcastically than I realize.
Papa frowns, his eyes fixed on me. “Why can't you be happy about this? Everyone else is excited for you.”
I shrug. “I…I just feel like I have so many unanswered questions.”
“Unanswered questions?” Papa's expression is confused, incredulous. He can't understand my yearning for more, never could. Couldn't understand Mama's, either.
My head rises, my neck vulnerable, and my fingers grip the edge of the table. “I've heard so many things about Mama, too many things. I just don't know what to believe anymore.”
“Well, believe this,” Papa answers firmly. “She loved you.”
I smile, because I know more about Mama than anyone, more than I should. Town hall is MAQS's sanctuary, and KLI keeps a key to get underneath, but questions still gnaw at me—about the unknown man, about Freedom—and it occurs to me that Papa might have answers too.
I'm uncertain about how to press him, so I just ask plainly. “Papa?”
His head lifts, his hand still holding his spoon of chili. “Yes?”
“Did Mama ever say anything about meeting someone else?”
Papa grows silent. His expression ghostly, like he's remembered something he shouldn't, and I wonder if I said something wrong. I tend to do that, I've found.
“Did she?” I press again.
Papa stays still.
“I know you know something. You're not telling me something. Please, Papa. What is it?”
Papa's hand drops the spoon to the table and his hands press the cloth on the table before replying. His words are soft and quiet, as if he wouldn't want MAQS to hear. “Your Mama would talk about this stranger, this man she swore came from outside Cherni. She'd say he saw things out there, things that didn't make any sense. Things only MAQS had answers for…”
