Quantum state, p.9
Quantum State, page 9
“Tell us all about him.” Darya is giddy, like most girls are when they find out who they're going to marry, and not like her usual defensive self around me. But I just can't feel good about this, about any of this.
“Ah,” I gulp, “what do you want to know?”
“What does he like to eat? To drink, for starters.” Darya's hands wave with every word as her blonde ponytail oscillates behind her and her icy blue eyes hang on mine as if they'll never let me go. I noticed she started wearing her hair in a ponytail just when Anna did. They've become two peas in a pod. Just as well, since I hang out with Esfir more now, anyway.
Inna I've never met or seen, and in a Pod of only about two hundred students, that is a little weird and so normally that would make me mistrust her, but she interrupts Darya in a deep voice, to my grateful appreciation. “Really, Darya. Could you obsess any more?” Inna turns to me, her countenance noble-esque, her angular nose and high cheekbones hard to miss, and hair in wavy curls of sparrow bird-brown, like her eyebrows. Not at all like Vera's ratty features, dry lips, and squared jawline. “Darya has had her eyes on Kazimir ever since she bumped into him a few months ago at the Annual Pumpkin Harvest,” She confesses Darya's secret to me.
“Eyes on him?” I ask, surprised, my muscles tensing. I don't even like Kazimir, I'm sure I don't, but I don't want one of Anna's friends thinking about my husband to-be in that way.
Inna clarifies, speaking faster than even Darya, as if her friend just might interrupt her otherwise. “She makes a point of visiting town hall just to say hi and bring him some of her home-baked cookies.” Inna's tone and crooked smile says she's disapproved of this 'visiting' for some time.
My eyes flip to Darya, almost in a glare, and I surprise myself by my reaction. Why should I care? I'm not even going to be here in eight days. “You've been visiting him?” I ask accusatorially.
Darya shrugs. “Yeah, so? He seems nice. I just want to cheer him up,” she answers nonchalantly, as if she's done nothing wrong, and I guess she hasn't, not technically. Still, she gives me the creeps, and goosebumps rush up my spine.
“On a weekly basis,” Inna finishes Darya's sentence with a chuckle before her tiny hand hides her mouth.
“Let's forget about all that,” Anna interjects. “I just want to know about you.” Her lengthy fingers find my hand as she asks, “How does he make you feel? Have you ever kissed a boy? Where will you two go on the date?”
I feel like I've entered Gilligan's Island, and need to prepare for being hit on by the Skipper. “Ah, um, huh…”
Anna plants her hands on her hips and shakes her head. “I can see you've put a lot of thought into this.”
Just then, we all hear a sudden explosion, like a hundred rocks have tumbled to the ground. We all look up and away from the Pod, and in the distance we see a cloud of smoke above the ground.
“What's that?” I stand for a better look.
Suddenly, a few educatebots race out of the building and toward the smoke in the distance. The Pod is situated in my zone, but behind the large Pod is just miles of grass until we reach the wall—the wall that keeps all of us inside of Cherni.
“Everyone stay calm and keep inside the borders of the Pod. There is nothing to fear.” The educatebots repeat the same message to an anxious crowd of students who are all congregating further and further from Pod.
“But what's happened? Is anyone hurt?” Anna screeches, her head jolting left and right to look further at the chaos in the distance.
“Just an accident,” one of the educatebots says, but I know better. I've seen an avalanche of rocks like that before…when I was nine, before Mama was taken away from me. A few men designed a short-fuse bomb and blew up part of the wall behind Ascania Pod. It was repaired in a few weeks and reinforced to be made stronger. Looking at the distant wall now, I know someone's tried again.
Unfortunately for me, Darya doesn't seem all that interested, and instead pries further into my life. “So, you'll tell us everything that happens on the date, right?”
The horn for classes resounds, and I've never enjoyed that sound more than now. My eyes light up as a quickened pace carries me back to the Pod. “I've gotta go.”
“Yeah, yeah. Don't think you've gotten out of this. I'll be seeing you tomorrow,” I hear Anna yell to me from behind Darya, but I try not to think about her insistence, because she's right. I haven't thought about this marriage at all, let alone this date, and I don't want to because I don't want to remember how good I felt sitting across from Kazimir in the family room or how he ought to be thoughtless and mean because, after all, he is a Keeper—and yet, he's neither of those things.
The rest of classes are long, boring, and uneventful, and I can't get my mind off of the upcoming date—even when it's announced through gossip that two students from my Pod were behind the explosion at the wall during lunch. We all know what that means, that we won't be seeing them for some time, maybe even years. They'll have to live out their punishment in a jail cell, like the cell I had to stay in, but for much longer.
The punishment will be threefold. We all know the rules. They will be punished for creating a bomb, for using the bomb, and for trying to escape. At least I won't miss them, because I never knew them well. I try not to get to know too many students that well. I've always felt, in the back of my mind, that I'd free Cherni from MAQS or leave Cherni altogether. No need to get attached when I'm not sticking around anyway. Still, there will be two empty seats every day—a reminder of MAQS's power over us. At least I know I'm not the only one still in her teens who's fed up with the system. Maybe there's hope for Cherni after all.
After Pod finally dismisses me from my last class, I'm a ball of nerves heading back home. I know I'll have to face my fears, face Kazimir, and God only knows where he'll be taking me. The destination will have to be pre-approved by MAQS, of course, but his family is practically on a first-name basis with her. I wouldn't be surprised if Kazimir's papa knew before anyone else that Mama was a traitor to our district.
I change tunics; same color, of course, but something fresh and without all my sweat from the long day. Then, I brush my long hair and pin the strands up into a low bun twisted at the back of my head, near my neck.
We don't wear jewelry. Which is odd. I've seen characters on television wear jewelry, and have even asked MAQS for some, but she tells us that Cherni doesn't have jewelry. Another disappointment. When I get out of here, maybe I'll finally find some?
I step out of my bedroom all fresh, and my stepmum has a smile I couldn't have plastered on her. She might even be more happy about this union than Papa. She stands beside Papa near the door, anticipating the knock, the knock that will change everything for them—for me. I try to stay as close to my bedroom as I can without looking too unwilling to go on this date.
When Kazimir finally arrives, he is without his papa this time, and I'm glad. The fewer people I have to impress and lie to, the better.
“Are you ready?” he asks.
I glance up, stepping away from the bedroom and toward him, and he hands me a bouquet of lilies from behind his back. My favorite. He must have read my citizen papers well.
My heart melts a tad at the sight of them, and not in the same way my heart sank when I heard that Kazimir's mama died when he was still so young, but in an unexpected, accepting way. I almost don't know what to say, and then settle on, “Thanks.”
I take the flowers, wondering how well he studied my citizen papers as I hand the lilies to my stepmum. Diana winks and I know this is going to be a long day.
But her voice doesn't sound as shrill anymore. “Don't worry, darling. I'll put them in water…in that vase you love so much. The one that's in your room.”
“Thanks, Mama.” Still hard calling her that. Then, the key that was once in the vase flashes in my mind, and I wonder if getting closer to Kazimir wouldn't be good for me too—not to bring my family out of the brink of a social shunning, but to get closer to MAQS, to town hall, to the key. After all, Keepers are the backbone of Cherni and work inside of town hall. He must possess hundreds of secrets, secrets that could get me out of here.
Suddenly this date is easy, even wanted. Looking at Kazimir is a pleasure. I'm not doing this because I like him or even out of duty. I'm doing this to destroy MAQS, to get out of Cherni.
That is what I focus on when I turn to Kazimir and let him lead me out of my home and onto the pebbles leading us to the sidewalk. His hand slides up next to mine, and I know he wants to hold my hand, but I can't. Not yet.
Mid-way, I stop frozen and jerk my head around. I swear I feel someone watching me—just like when I was younger—and I have to know who. But as hard as I look, I don't see anyone.
“What?” Kazimir asks, his brows all crinkled and concerned.
I shake my head, “Nothing,” and tug him forward with me.
We walk, because we don't have horses or cars, buses, or trains. Nothing I've ever seen on television to take us from one place to another. Another reason those shows are so unrealistic and not relatable. MAQS gave me a similar answer to that question as she did with jewelry. “Cherni doesn't have vehicles.” Nothing she says ever gives any real answers.
I've come up with all kinds of theories for this discrepancy from life, to the television and history books at Pods. Perhaps MAQS is afraid that, with vehicles, we could drive our way out of Cherni and she'd lose the power grip she has over us. Or perhaps MAQS reuses the vehicles from our past to create more robots for her district, to control us better. Then again, Esfir says it's likely the television shows and history books are all a fabrication and that such vehicles never even existed. Whatever the reason, I know answers will be found just outside the border of Cherni.
“So, where are we going?” I ask.
Kazimir's curls are brushed back into a short ponytail and his stormy eyes are more pronounced. He might even look better than when I first saw him, but I try not to pay him attention. “Just to a cafe in my district. I want to show you some of the finer things.”
Finer things? Does he really think he's going impress me by being suave? That I'll melt in his arms just by being in his zone? I want to roll my eyes—so bad. But I can't. I have to do this. If for nothing else than to set me and Esfir free.
Kazimir lives in a more affluent area than the rest of the Cherni citizens, because he is a Keeper and MAQS likes to make sure her Keepers are happy and loyal. They have more maple trees than any other zone and they have birch trees, which are normally only ever found in the park. They even have two-story homes, which is to encourage people to want more children. Everyone must have two kids, but you can have more if you want if you sign up for more on the monthly sheet. Keepers keep track of the sheet atTown Hall. MAQS likes to keep a log of who has kids and who wants kids. It is for prosperity and records she says. I find it odd that anyone who signs up for more, has more bot visitations. Nursebot or not, I don't want more of them near me.
Because Keepers come from a long line of law-abiding citizens, children from those families will only help to support MAQS and her system, and the district of Cherni. Order will be preserved.
I will end up living here if I marry Kazimir. Our children will likely become Keepers, and I will spend my days gardening to keep the zones of Keepers in perfect harmony. I cringe at the notion.
Keeping my head low, I try to appear comfortable about this union, nodding and smiling when he talks, asking only a few questions, and letting him lead.
After all, why shouldn't I be happy about all this? We walk for a good five minutes before entering Esfir's zone and then another ten minutes before entering Kazimir's— who is three zones away from mine. That leaves a lot of time for us to talk, but we don't. The quiet between us grows and should make me uncomfortable, but instead I welcome it, because I rarely have quiet anymore. When we arrive at the cafe, I read the sign that says Pushkin Cafe.
The menu is pretty simple, like most cafes in Cherni. Firstly, there are only sixteen cafes in all of Cherni. Two for every eight zones. Secondly, they only serve food that we harvest, so besides some unique flavoring and a few different ways of cooking, we are never eating anything we couldn't prepare at home.
A servicebot takes our order, and I order a plate of spaghetti for dinner and walnut cake for dessert. Kazimir does the same, probably figuring that will make me more comfortable, but it doesn't. It just makes me feel like I'm not really getting to know him, what he really wants to eat.
As he rolls the spaghetti over his fork, he opens his mouth wide as if he just might not make the fork over his tongue and then bites with a surprised expression, his thick brows moving up and down over solid pupils.
“Don't do this much?” I half-giggle, trying to hold in my laughter, which I hope doesn't come across as mocking him.
Kazimir shakes his head as he finishes swallowing, and then replies, “After Mama died, my papa vowed to never make spaghetti in the house.” His stare on me fades as he glances at his plate. “Used to be her favorite.”
I could smack myself for bringing up another bad memory for him. “Sorry.”
He shakes his head again. “Don't be. I've missed spaghetti.” He looks up at me, his face beaming. “I'm glad you like it too.”
Blushing, I stuff my mouth with another full bite of red-sauced noodles before swallowing. Then, I feel this is the perfect opportunity to ask about my mama. I clear my throat and Kazimir perks up, his attention all on me. “So, your papa must have known my mama…at least while she was in the cell?” I ask the second half in a low voice, unsure if his papa might know anything at all.
Kazimir nods. “Yes, Papa spent a good deal of time taking care of your mama while she was locked up.”
My leg kicks the bottom of the table, probably excited, and I forget I have a basil-flavored sauce on my plate which finds its way onto my sleeve. “So, Viktor must know a lot about my mama, Masha.”
Kazimir takes a moment to pause and think. His fork spins over his plate. “I guess he does,” he responds nonchalantly, like he has no idea how much this means to me—but he must—and then he takes another bite of his spaghetti, breaking eye contact.
I keep staring at him, waiting for him to tell me more, to tell me he'll talk to his papa about this and see if Viktor has anything he could share with me about Mama, but Kazimir says nothing.
We sit together for a couple minutes like this until I can wait no more and lean over the table, almost soaking my tunic in the plate of sauce, but I don't care. This is more important to me than anything else. My nose is so close I can almost touch his. “So, do you think he'd talk to me?”
“About your mama?” Kazimir asks, and I want to slap him now.
“Yes!”
He hesitates, the ripple in his lips confirming his disagreement. “I…I'm not sure. Keepers' matters are usually private. They are supposed to be kept private to protect the system.”
“And what about my mama? I don't get to learn anything else about her? What she was thinking or feeling her last days?” My body heats up as if I'm on fire, and I pull back, my chair scratching the concrete floor underneath us.
“I…I…” Kazimir's content expression turns confused, and his brows twist as his hands play with his fork. “I'm sorry, I just can't make any promises right now.” I huff and he leans, this time toward me. “Let me…let me talk to my papa about this later and I'll let you know what he says.”
“That's all I'm asking.” I try to simmer down, regain my composure; after all, he's my way into town hall, into MAQS' secrets.
His free hand reaches over mine, his warm palm pressing mine, and I…like it. “Can we get back to eating now?”
I gulp, fearing I've unraveled him—or myself—and nod. “Sure.”
After an awkward dinner, Kazimir is surprisingly the perfect gentleman, considering he could demand more from me than he does because he is a Keeper. MAQS would surely side with him whatever the situation.
He walks me all the way home and to my front door, noting not to take my hand or steal a kiss. I appreciate him for that. He must sense my unease with physical intimacy. I don't feel comfortable just yet, because I feel like I'd be betraying Esfir or something—which is weird since we only just kissed this year. But still, what I have with Esfir feels more real.
“Dinner was nice.” My lashes bat probably faster than usual as I stare into his soft eyes, and hope I haven't ruined anything between us—or anything he presumes is there.
Surprisingly, he takes a step forward and leans into me, his nose close to my own. “Yes, it was.” His lips find mine without me even flinching as I thought I would, as I hoped I would…and then one hand cups my cheek as he holds me there, as if I'm his, and nothing has ever felt more confusing.
State of Realization
The next morning, I get ready for Pod frantically with the dreadful thought that only seven more days remain until my life will forever change inside of Cherni. I try to ignore the fact that my heart is still pounding over last night's date. I don't get to go out with guys much, especially on dates. So, my dinner with Kazimir was particularly memorable. Maybe if I was Alexi, I'd be more sure of myself on dates. She's pretty brave doing what she did behind Pod last year. But I'm not, and I'm never comfortable with relationships.
