The rough ride, p.14
The Rough Ride, page 14
“I just meant I’m the one that started having itchy feet. It’s different. They stayed. They were... I don’t know. I just feel weird about it. Kind of bad.”
“Well, stop feeling bad.”
“You make it sound easy. But I have...trouble facing things head-on.”
“You do not.”
“I do! It’s...it’s one thing when it doesn’t matter that much. But actual things I care about... I don’t know if it’s because I’m like my dad or if it’s because of him leaving—does that make sense? I just...feel afraid. That if I get happy, if I want something too much...that I’ll lose it.”
“Now, that I understand.”
She smiled, but it was a nervous smile.
They finished up their breakfast before making their way back to the truck and driving to Mapleton, to the doctor’s office. It was a small office, with barely a waiting room, and they were ushered back almost immediately.
There were forms to fill out. New-patient ones, and they asked a whole bunch of questions. And she got to one, and her pen stopped moving. “Why did they have to ask that?”
He looked where she’d stopped.
Date of last intercourse.
“Put it down,” Gus said. “You don’t need to be embarrassed.”
He knew the date. Because he remembered that day. Her in the parking lot looking lost...
She wrinkled her nose, but she did. He could feel her nerves amping up, especially as they moved from the waiting room to the exam room.
“Disrobe,” said the nurse. “And the doctor will be in soon. Here’s a gown for you.”
He stepped outside, keeping his back firmly to the door and doing his best not to imagine what she was doing in there. And a few moments later, the door cracked open, and she was standing there. “Come in,” she said.
She was wearing that gown, and she did a little hop up onto the exam table, where she sat, hands in her lap, swinging her feet.
“You regretting asking me to come?”
“No. I’m scared. I’m glad that I’m not by myself.” She frowned. “Anyway. You need to be part of it. You need to. Because... I really can’t do it by myself, Gus. I can’t. I really want my baby to have a dad. And...”
“Hey,” he said. “What started all that?”
“It’s just very real now. And we’re here. And it all feels...like a weird daydream when it’s just you and me, and we’re at the house. And I’m cooking. And I go to sleep in the new bedroom. And I think about all the furniture that I’m going to order and spend your money on. And it’s easy to forget the why of it. But not here. Here I remember why. Here I know why. I know why I’m here. I know why you’re here. And...and we were just talking about my parents, and you know they always seemed perfect to me. And like adults. That was the thing. They seemed like adults. I don’t feel like an adult, Gus. And I’m supposed to have a baby. And I’m not sure if I can do it. I don’t know what I’m doing. At all. I have no idea. And...”
“Hey,” he said. “I don’t know what the hell I’m doing either. But we are going to figure it out. And we’re going to figure it out together. I’m here. I’m here.”
But he didn’t touch her. Because he wouldn’t let himself do it. Because he knew that way lay madness, and he had to keep some level of sanity.
He didn’t really know what to say. And he knew that it was his job to come up with something. Since he was supposed to be...hell, he was supposed to be taking care of her. Taking care of things.
“You don’t need to worry,” he said.
And he had no idea if that was true. But he figured if he said it with enough authority it would suit her. And it seemed to.
The doctor knocked a moment later, and came in. A bland-looking woman with gray hair, and he was hopeful that meant she had experience. That none of this would surprise her. That the blandness came from the fact that she didn’t get excited if there was no need to be excited. Yeah. He was counting on that.
“All right,” she said. “Today we’re just going to do a quick ultrasound to get a look. We’ll do an official one with all manner of measurements and to determine gender in a few weeks. This is just to establish the viability of the pregnancy and try to confirm your dates.”
She looked at him, afraid. He wondered if it was the word viability. And he touched her face, even though he shouldn’t have. And she seemed to lean into that touch.
“All right, go ahead and lie back,” the doctor said. “Have you had a transvaginal ultrasound before?”
“No,” she said, grabbing hold of Gus’s hand. And his brain had shorted out already. Because he had never... They had never... And here he was.
“I’ll stay right here,” he said, up by her shoulder resolutely. And he fixed his eyes straight on her face. “Hey. You’re going to be fine.”
He was saying that partly for himself.
The doctor pulled out a wand, and quickly, he diverted his gaze again. And he just held her hand, while everything got situated.
There was a watery sound in the room, and he couldn’t help but look at the screen then. He couldn’t make heads or tails of anything. It was black and grainy, and didn’t mean a damn thing to him. “There are your ovaries,” the doctor said.
Well. Neat. So, he’d seen that now.
“Your uterus.”
Also that.
“And there is...” The doctor expanded something over the top of a little blurry movement, and zoomed in. “There’s a heartbeat. Yep, there’s a little one in there. Looks like nine weeks. And I’m just going to get some measurements on fluid.”
And all he could do was stare. At the little flutter of movement. A baby. Their baby.
Their baby.
They had decided that this was what they were doing. And the baby was theirs.
And he felt it.
When it was all finished, the doctor left and Alaina smiled ruefully. “I guess you might as well just stay in here and turn around while I get dressed. After that.”
She had a point. Though, she had no idea what it would do to him.
But he did it. Because...because.
He didn’t want to leave her.
And it was fine. Because he was resolute. He knew why he was doing this. He knew why they were doing this.
“Feels really real now,” she said, and he could hear the rustle of fabrics this time. The clothing.
And his gut went tight.
What the hell is wrong with you? She just had a whole medical thing done and you’re getting hard.
Yeah. He was. But he had never claimed to be a good person.
He was just one who was trying to do the right thing. Endlessly. And it was exhausting.
He was just so...he was so tired.
“Yeah,” he said. “Everything looks good, though. So that’s good.”
There was a long pause. “It is. Gus, it is. I honestly didn’t know how I would feel today. I was worried that I was going to be upset. One way or the other. That if everything was gone then... Well, then I wouldn’t know what I was supposed to do with my life now. But I was also worried that I might see the baby and not want it. But I do. I do want this. I’m getting to a place where I can feel maybe a little bit excited and a little bit happy. I don’t really know how to explain it. Except that I feel...like maybe I love it. I don’t even know how that’s possible.”
“How nature protects the species, I think,” he said.
“That is terribly realistic and unromantic, Angus,” she said.
“Well, Alaina, I am both of those things.”
“I’m done now. You can turn around.”
He did, and he wasn’t prepared. For the impact of just how beautiful she was, somehow different in the aftermath of what they’d just seen.
“Does it really matter why?” he asked.
“I’d like to think that it’s a mystical connection to my impending motherhood.”
“Then it can be. Why shouldn’t you be exactly what you wanted to be? Nobody has the answer. So I say it’s nature. You say it’s mystical. Why the hell not?”
She smiled, if very smally. “That’s almost open-minded.”
“I’m almost open-minded. Sometimes.”
“Is this...is this really weird for you?”
He stood there and looked at her. The most beautiful woman he’d ever seen in his life. Who might as well have been a hundred miles away and encased in glass for all that he couldn’t touch her.
“Yeah. It is. But I’ve got time.”
She looked away and was quiet for a long space of time. “You don’t have to do this.”
“I married you,” he said. “I married you, and I made a commitment. And I aim to keep it. I’m not my father, I won’t be. And I’m not your father. I stayed. I protect people. I will protect you. And I will protect this baby.”
“And be his dad. Really.”
“Yeah,” he said, the words scraping his throat raw. Because they’d talked about that, and they’d thrown the idea around, but it meant something more now that he’d seen the little life moving around inside of her.
And it would come out all helpless and small. Defenseless. And he made up his mind that he would always be there. Always.
“I don’t know if I’ll be a great dad, Alaina. I’ve got to be real honest with you. I didn’t have an example. Neither did you. We don’t really know what we’re doing. Kind of flying blind. But I’m willing to give it everything I have. And if there’s one thing I know I can do, it’s protect people who need it. The defenseless. The weak. I’m willing to go as far as I have to. So maybe I won’t be...the kind of world’s greatest dad that’s out there with great speeches and corny jokes, and whatever the hell else you’re supposed to do. But I’d go to the ends of the earth to keep that kid from harm. I swear that to you. I know how to muscle my way through anything. And you already know I’d walk through fire.”
He meant that. Every word.
She nodded, and her eyes were bright. And she said nothing.
“Come on. Let’s go.”
They scheduled her next appointment on the way out and he felt like there was something else he should do. Something else he should offer. He felt drawn to her, and he knew that he shouldn’t. Knew that he couldn’t be. And so he pulled away. Because that seemed like the lesser of the evils right then.
“We better head back to the ranch. There’s work to do.”
“Right. Hey, is it okay if I go to town and do some shopping? Just Pyrite Falls. Basic groceries. But we are a little depleted.”
“Yeah. You don’t have to ask me for time off. My brothers don’t. We all just collaborate. We divvy stuff up as it happens. Everyone’s pretty self-directed.”
“Okay. I just want to make sure that I’m not mooching.”
“We’re married,” he said. “This isn’t a transaction.”
He stared at her, hard, willing her to believe it. Willing her to understand it.
“Okay.”
“Good.”
CHAPTER NINE
SHE STILL FELT pretty shaken up, even after she and Gus had gone back to the house, and she had drifted up to her room to change and shower.
She had seen the baby.
The baby.
And Gus had made those fierce vows to her about being a good father. And she knew that he would be.
He’d held her hand. He’d stood right near her while... Well, that had been the furthest thing from intimate, really. It had been clinical.
And uncomfortable. But he’d been there through it.
He made her feel a jumble of confused feelings.
Because he was...
Because when he got close to her now, her heart jumped. Because she was so conscious of the heat of his body as he stood there with his hand in hers.
And she was so aware of the fact that the stakes were high, no matter what he said.
That it wasn’t a transaction. And maybe that was true; maybe transaction was entirely the wrong word. But she wasn’t worried about that. What she was worried about was messing it up. Because she hadn’t really earned this. She so often struggled to find a way to make things right. But she hadn’t been the one in control of this solution. It was Gus.
He had given her this new lease on life. He had given her the solution. And there were so many possibilities in it. So many things that she was excited about. So many things about it that did make her happy.
From the glory of working the ranch, to enjoying having a house of her own. Even cooking him dinner.
She liked being Gus McCloud’s wife. And she didn’t want to mess that up by making a move on him. Which may have been one of the weirder things she’d ever thought, but it was a very real issue, all things considered.
She walked into the little tiny grocery store, which had a selection of prepackaged items. And after that she would go to Sullivan’s Point and get some produce from her sisters.
But she would start by getting her milk, her chips and things like that. She might be a farm girl who had access to the freshest meat and vegetables, but she liked junk food. Quite often, actually.
And right now she was really craving Cheetos.
As she went in, there was a knot of young cowboys standing over by the beer. They weren’t from Four Corners; rather, they were from one of the other spreads in the area.
“Howdy,” one of them said, his mouth curving up into a smile.
“Howdy,” she said.
And she felt a little bit pleased to get some attention. Because she was kind of obsessing about Gus, and he was immune to her in that way. Which was good, or it should be. But she was having a lot of trouble actually synthesizing that.
But hey, Gus wanted to do his own thing. And so it seemed...fine for her to get flirted with. She wasn’t going to do anything with anyone now. That was a bridge too far. But Gus wanted their thing to be separate from romance and sex and all of that. In fact, he found the very idea of them together laughable, and he wanted to go off and be with other women, so what he was suggesting was that the two of them have an open marriage. And if they had an open marriage...
She cleared her throat and tossed her hair, then started to walk toward the chips with her basket. And she ended up getting a little bit overexcited and grabbing more dips than she possibly should have, but she was pregnant. And she was having weird cravings. She also threw in a bag of Oreos. And suddenly, one of the men was standing beside her. “Can I carry that for you, ma’am?”
She didn’t know how she felt about being called ma’am, but she was happy to accept some help.
“Well, thank you,” she said.
How gallant.
What was wrong with enjoying the moment? It had been a weird day.
And so she put a few extra things in there, and he helped carry the basket up to pay.
John at the register gave her a skeptical look. Well, whatever. He was allowed to be skeptical if he wanted. He knew that she was Gus’s wife, because of course he was a busybody. And there just weren’t that many people to know in Pyrite Falls.
But these guys didn’t know her, because they were seasonal workers. And she was happy with that. It was...it was Gus’s resolute immunity to her that...
It’s good. You are supposed to be feeling good about that.
Yes. She was. She was supposed to be accepting. So she would just not think about Gus. Her whole thing with Gus was about building a life. It was totally different.
They were friends. And that was more than enough. More than enough.
With her groceries back, two of the men went over to the counter, each taking a bag. “Where’s your car at?”
“I just parked out front,” she said.
And she was directing them on where to put the groceries when her husband pulled in in his beat-up truck.
He rolled the window down.
“Howdy,” he said, his expression as mean as she’d ever seen it.
And she could see her posse blanch. She looked at them, and then looked at Gus. If they didn’t know him, she could see how he was startling. But she could no longer see what other people saw when they looked at his face.
Because she saw him. And he was...he was beautiful. This strong man that had been through so much. And she was irked that they were looking at him like that.
“What are you doing here?”
“Came to get beer,” he said.
He got out of his truck and walked over to her into the men. Then he wrapped his arm around her. Possessive, and pulled her up against him. “Thanks for helping my wife out,” he said.
“No problem, sir,” one of them said, practically saluting before turning around, and Alaina could swear she heard one of them mutter something about daddy issues as they wandered off.
“What the hell was that?” Gus asked, practically snarling.
“Look,” Alaina said. “Who doesn’t have daddy issues?”
“That’s not what I’m talking about, and I think you know that.”
“They offered to help with my things. And I said yes. Because while I’m not a shrinking violet, I also don’t believe in expending energy that I don’t have to expend. It was nice.”
“You were flirting.”
She blinked. “So what, Gus?”
“Look, I’m willing to take on this baby, but you go get yourself pregnant with someone else’s kid, and we may be having a different conversation altogether.”
And that hurt. Stabbed her through the heart. Because... He did think that about her. He did. And he could say whatever he wanted about not judging her. But he did.
She felt everything in her shrink. Wilt.
“This can’t work,” she whispered.
“What?”
“It’s not going to work if that’s what you think about me, Gus.”
“I rolled up and you’re standing there flirting shamelessly. What am I supposed to think?”
