Polyamory, p.13
Polyamory, page 13
Partner 1: “Honey, I met someone at work and I have a little crush; I’m thinking of asking them out on a date.”
Partner 2: “Great; be safe and have fun.”
No kidding.
In case you are wondering about my bias, here it is: I’m not a fan of deception, either as a human being or a therapist. I deeply honor people who value transparency and personal growth enough to choose polyamory, rather than choosing to go underground with infidelity. I think it is a braver, more forthright, and more differentiated path. I also deeply honor those who choose monogamy, are in touch with their values, and have the integrity to live up to their values and be the person they aspire to be, making good agreements and following through on them. Finally, I deeply honor relationships in which partners tune in to what they want and how they are doing as things evolve throughout the years, and update or renegotiate their relationship agreements to reflect changing circumstances, growth, and interests.
IDENTITY: BEYOND ARGUMENT
Aside from any theory or concept about larger ideas of monogamy and polyamory, the fact of the matter is that for a lot of people, polyamory is an important aspect of how they see themselves and understand themselves relationally. When someone has a perception of who they are at their core, derived from an internal sense of knowing, no amount of theory can, or should, shift it. This account gives a good sense of what it means to identify polyamory as a deep aspect of one’s identity:
Since my preteens I’ve always known I was, or wanted to be, not monogamous. It’s part of my need to be independent and not controlled by someone else. At the same time, my dreams and visions of the future always have a partner in them. My ideal of partnership is that we help one another be the best we can and fulfill our dreams. Not restrict or confine one another. I have no desire to control what another person does, and I do not like it when others try to control me. I do not see this as at all opposed to my desire for a close partnership. It’s just how I define partnership or the kind of partnership I want.
I do not always have multiple lovers. I just need to know that I am free to do so. Much of my life I have had multiple lovers or partners, generally in the primary/secondary model. A few times I have promised to be monogamous for a limited time and have held to that agreement, but it’s not comfortable for me and not something I would agree to other than for a limited time. It’s about independence for me—I do not think asking or allowing this level of control is healthy in a relationship. At least not in a relationship I would care to be part of.
CHAPTER 5
Who Can Benefit from Consensual Nonmonogamy?
There are many situations in which exploring a consensually nonmonogamous relationship makes a lot of sense. Since I’ve seen polyamory and other consensual nonmonogamies provide elegant solutions to some pretty daunting relationship problems, I think it is worth taking the time to discuss some of those situations.
Please keep in mind that there is no one-size-fits-all relationship solution. What has worked for some may not work for others. There is no substitute for self-awareness and communication, and every fabulously functional relationship situation I’ve ever seen, monogamous and otherwise, has been individually tailored by the participants to fit their unique personalities, preferences, and values.
OPENING THE TOPIC OF CONSENSUAL NONMONOGAMY WITH CLIENTS
Therapists often ask me if I ever suggest consensual nonmonogamies to my clients, if I think it has the potential to solve some of their relationship problems. The short answer is, yes—fairly frequently, in fact. In part, I do this because many people have never heard of consensual nonmonogamy. If they haven’t heard of it, they don’t have the chance to decide if it could work for them. Even for those who have heard of it, there are so many misconceptions and so much misinformation out there that it’s likely most people have a skewed idea of what polyamory or other forms of consensual nonmonogamy look like in the real world. It is extremely likely that they are not aware that many polyamorous relationships work well for the long haul. How could they know that, given how much bias there is against polyamory and how little information is available? Polyamory and other consensual nonmonogamies are showing up in the media more now, so more people are exposed to the concept, but some of those depictions are overly sensationalist and involve extremely quirky characters or unusual relationship styles; this is not always helpful when it comes to understanding what is actually possible in real life. As with sex, media depictions should not serve as substitutes for, or replace, educational offerings.
I’m not in the business of promoting polyamory to anyone; I’m in the business of helping people have happy relationships. But if someone doesn’t know open relationship structures exist in happy, healthy forms, or what skills and beliefs create them, their options for how they might structure their own relationships are limited by what they don’t know. I also like for people to know that, while monogamy has its unique challenges, it works truly elegantly for some. Whether choosing monogamy or polyamory or another form of open relationship, it is helpful to know something about the difference between fabulously functional relationships and tense, unhappy ones. Knowledge is power. I trust that my clients can figure out what they want, and I don’t believe anyone can be hurt by knowing what options exist.
Ultimately, I believe it’s important to present consensual nonmonogamy as an option because I believe in informed consent. When I have a medical problem, I want to know all the options, even the long shots and the new stuff that hasn’t yet been well-researched. I’m smart enough to do my research and think things through before I take action. If I think it is in my best interest, I might ultimately choose to do something that is against conventional medical advice. I’ll always be deeply grateful to the people who were courageous enough to tell me about all the options, without editing out the half they don’t think I’m going to consider. I want to provide the same service to my clients, in my area of expertise.
I respect the intelligence of my clients and operate from the position that they are perfectly capable of making decisions that are good for them. I don’t need to protect them from knowledge. I also don’t make assumptions about who would consider polyamory and who would not. All kinds of people practice consensual nonmonogamy: liberal people and conservative people; people of many ethnicities, genders, and orientations; people with a lot of money and people with hardly any money; people who are deeply religious and people who are definitely not. I have known hippies, Gen Xers, old folks, and lots and lots of midlife folks in long-term marriages who successfully opened their relationships.
Here is an example of someone who identifies as Christian, and polyamorous, discussing how they make sense of these two aspects of their identity coexisting:
I fit into what is likely a small sliver on the Venn diagram of polyamory and Christianity. I take my Christianity seriously, so it was important for me that if I was going to embrace polyamory, I needed to reconcile it with my Christian belief. My thought process behind how these two seemingly opposing worldviews fit together is quite complex, but one aspect of it is that I see God as being in a relationship with us as humans, and throughout the Bible, the way that relationship was structured profoundly changes from the beginning to the end. But despite those profound changes, the relationship God has with people is valid throughout, and the structure changed to adapt as the relationship evolved. So I believe that as long as the people in the relationship are making it thrive through vulnerability and connection—that’s the important part. From there, the structure itself can vary. While some might say that extending that to polyamory is a stretch, I don’t agree. There seem to be plenty of examples in the Old Testament of God approving of someone having multiple wives, David for instance. I think the Bible, throughout, teaches that having our heart in the right place is the most important aspect for creating relationships that are God-centered.
One way that I support differentiation of self is by encouraging my clients to think for themselves; I invite them to push back if I say something they don’t agree with. In my therapy room, this is not a passive intervention. I tell my clients straight out that I offer options, suggestions, feedback, and observations to support them in their growth, including their own decision-making. Whether they have a new idea, or their partner offers a suggestion, or I do, I encourage my clients to pause, look inside themselves, and take the time they need to identify their own opinion. Then I encourage them to share it, even if it is in opposition to the opinions of others in the room.
Polyamory is merely one of many things I might talk about in therapy that could potentially feel challenging to my clients. Here’s how that might sound: “Can I run an idea past you? Feel free to reject it. But you know, I’ve worked with lots of clients in open relationships, and some people have found it to be a useful way to deal with some of the issues you are struggling with. I’ve seen it work really well. Have you ever thought about opening your relationship? Would you like to know more about how that works for some people?” Believe me, people don’t hesitate to tell me if this isn’t something they want to consider. But often one or both partners want a little more information. At some point, they either become clear that consensual nonmonogamy isn’t for them, or they decide to further discuss their array of options and how a nonmonogamous relationship might work for them.
With this discussion, as all others, I encourage partners to keep a creative, collaborative conversation about options, thoughts, feelings, and desires going for quite some time before any move toward decision-making. Using the therapeutic environment to build relational skills is a well-established technique, and this is just one example of how to use it to build differentiation around challenging topics. I think it is therapeutic in itself to model careful and creative consideration of a variety of topics far in advance of making a decision. When you actively invite differences of opinion, it expands the field of what options and possibilities are open for discussion. Help your clients keep their exploration lighthearted and generative, while grounding that process in the secure knowledge they will be making their own decisions, and each will make a decision that feels right to them.
If you are the one in the stressful conversation within your own relationship, you’re putting theory into practice. It might help to remind yourself that you are just thinking and talking, which is quite different from making a decision. Focus on curiosity, and resist the impulse to debate; if your partner senses you are trying to convince them or bring them over to your opinion, they are likely to dig in their feet.
Let’s circle back to a situation in which a client says right away they are not interested in considering opening their relationship. I admit, in a conversation like that I sometimes go one step further. If my clients tell me that they aren’t interested in consensual nonmonogamy but they haven’t already said why they think it’s not for them, I might ask them why, just in case they are basing their conclusion on completely inaccurate information. I would do the same for any other possibility a client is considering—for instance, going back to school for an expensive graduate degree or having the aging in-laws move in. If they are factoring in obvious misinformation, I clear it up or suggest further research so they can make choices more effectively. I’m also interested in encouraging self-definition, meaning I want my clients to express their own unique perspective more fully. Asking someone how they came to a conclusion is an expression of curiosity and a desire to know them better, not a challenge to how they think or an attempt to change their minds.
WHO CAN BENEFIT?
Here, for your consideration, is an (incomplete) list of circumstances that could be mitigated or resolved with some form of open relationship, whether that’s polyamory, swinging, monogamish, or other nonromantic open structures. Refer to chapter 1, “Consensual Nonmonogamies: What Are the Options?” for a sample of the many flavors of nonmonogamy. I’ve framed most of these in terms of a couple who might come to you for therapy about particular types of challenges, but the client might just as easily be an individual facing relational challenges or identifying individual preferences.
There is no guarantee, of course, that consensual nonmonogamy will solve any particular problem; it’s just another set of options to consider. As you read through this list, remember it is not exhaustive; there are many circumstances that might benefit from trying a consensually open relationship. If you, or your clients, think opening the relationship might have some significant benefits, I think it is worth a conversation. For each of the following examples, ask yourself how consensual nonmonogamy, practiced with care, thoughtfulness, and consideration, might serve. If this feels like a stretch, notice what thoughts and feelings are coming up. Uncomfortable feelings you experience when reading these situational examples might relate to a belief system, and in the next chapter, I’ll be discussing some ways to think about belief systems.
A couple is struggling with an extreme desire discrepancy. One partner wants frequent sex, and the other wants sex rarely or never. They love one another and want to stay together for multiple reasons, but the higher-desire partner is deeply frustrated and feels trapped: “I don’t want to leave my partner, but I don’t want to be stuck in a sexless relationship for the rest of my life.” The lower-desire partner feels pressured, pestered, sad, guilty, and deeply conflicted: “I want my partner to be happy, and I can see the trap they are in; we signed on for a sexual marriage, and now I actually prefer a sexless one. I see their pain; my lack of desire is hard on them. I want us both to be happy, and I don’t want to have sex when it isn’t what I want because neither of us enjoys that, but I also don’t want to end this otherwise awesome relationship.”
One partner has recently realized that they are asexual—that is, they have no desire for or interest in sex. Possibly they are willing to have sex to please their partner, or possibly they are not. In either case, their partner says, “I love my partner and want to stay with them, but I’d also like to have a sexual relationship with someone who enjoys sex and really wants to have sex with me.” Both agree this would benefit each of them, because it would take the pressure off of both and make more room for them to appreciate the strengths of their relationship.
A couple has been together for many years, since they were both very young. They have a strong, stable, mature relationship, but they both sometimes feel melancholy about how long it’s been since they experienced the rush of falling in love and the headiness of an early crush. “I’m so happy with our relationship and proud of what we’ve built,” one of them says, “but I wish I could experience the amazing feeling of falling in love again at some point before the end of my life.”
One partner is bisexual. Maybe they have been for a long time, or maybe this aspect of their identity recently emerged. In any case, they want to explore that aspect of themselves, but neither they nor their partner want to end their current relationship, which has many strengths.
One partner is kinky or has a sexual interest that they want to explore, and their partner is not particularly interested in participating, yet they want to honor their partner’s exploration of this aspect of themselves. (As it happens, kink is one situation in which “monogamish” can work really well, because kinky play often doesn’t include sexual contact. For more on this, see chapter 3, “Overlapping Marginalized Populations and Intersectionality”).
One partner has developed a strong sexual and/or romantic attraction to someone outside the relationship. They don’t want to lead a secret life involving secrecy and deception, and they have strong values that don’t permit them to have an affair. They see the strengths of their longer-term relationship and don’t want to end it, but they also don’t want to shut off their feelings or turn away from what the other relationship has awakened in them, although they remain realistic about the new relationship and its limitations.
The partners, because of work or family, or some other reason, spend a lot of time in different locations, and they both get lonely and wish for companionship. They don’t want totally casual connections, but they don’t want to disrupt their current relationship connection. (This situation also lends itself well to “monogamish” relationship structures; for more on this see chapter 1, “Consensual Nonmonogamies: What Are the Options?”).
One or both partners are philosophically interested in nonmonogamy or polyamory and believe in the idea of expanding love. They want to explore it because it makes sense to them and fits with their values.
One or both partners identifies as polyamorous. They have a lot of personal experience that suggests that monogamy is not a good fit for them or simply a strong inner sense that it doesn’t fit their beliefs or personality. They think of themselves as polyamorous and envision a stable relationship or family situation with more than one partner.
One partner likes a lot of physical closeness and snuggling, while the other prefers a big bubble of personal space much of the time. The partner who desires touch tends to feel lonely or overly needy, and the other often feels pressured or guilty. They don’t want to end their relationship because of this difference, but they don’t see a solution as things currently stand.
One partner has an extremely time-consuming job, hobby, set of family obligations, etc., that leaves the other frequently feeling lonely and at loose ends.
One or both partners value the idea of experiencing love, sex, and intimacy with many different people in their lives, as a way of expanding their world. They don’t see themselves settling into one relationship.
