Polyamory, p.2
Polyamory, page 2
B Emotional Balance Worksheets • Daily Practice Identifying Thoughts and Feelings
• Needs versus Desires
• Holding Steady Self-Coaching Worksheet
• Time-Out Exercise
• Challenging the Thought/Feeling/Meaning Spiral
C Preparation for Communication Worksheets • Preparing to Communicate
• Rehearsing Tough Conversations
D Relationship Enrichment Handouts • How to Get the Most out of Relationship Therapy or Coaching
• Initiator: Revealing One’s Self
• Inquirer: The Effective Listener
• 30 Ideas No Matter How Silly: Brainstorming Process
• Co-Creating a Trusting Relationship
• Making a Good Repair
E Creating Change Worksheet Set • Getting Clear on Your Goals
• Creating Personal Change
• Accessing Motivation
• Creating Change Action Plan
• Resolving a Dilemma Using Two Chairs
F Crafting Your Unique Open Relationship Handout Set • Imagining Many Forms of Open
• Discussion Topics for Intimate Relationships
• Consolidating Information, Working toward Action
• How I Plan to Handle New Relationship Energy
Bibliography
About the Author
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Guide
Cover
Half Title
Title
Copyright
Contents
Foreword
Acknowledgments
Introduction
Start of Content
Appendixes
Bibliography
About the Author
Foreword
I have been waiting for decades for someone to write this book. Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists should be required reading for every therapist, coach, counselor, or helping professional. The number of people engaged in some form of consensually nonmonogamous (CNM) relationship (including polyamory) is increasing each year, as evidenced by the number of rigorous research studies during the past decade. Therapists are bound to encounter such relationships in the therapy room unless they actively avoid them. And when they do encounter them, they will need at least some of the treasure trove of information that is packed into this volume.
I have been a nurse, counselor, and hypnotherapist in private practice in Berkeley, California, for almost 30 years. Most of my clients are in some type of CNM relationship, and most of them tried working with other therapists before coming to me out of sheer desperation. These clients need smart, skilled, well-informed therapists to help them successfully navigate this challenging and complex relationship style. But because so many therapists have had incorrect information—or none at all—about nonmonogamies and made false assumptions, there is often much trauma and damage to be undone for these clients.
Likewise, every week I receive phone calls and e-mails from therapists, psychologists, and even psychiatrists who find themselves sitting across from clients who are in CNM relationships and realizing they lack professional knowledge and skills for working with this population. There is in the clinical community an egregious gap between the traditional view that healthy relationships depend on monogamy and the modern reality that a full spectrum of healthy sexual and relationship orientations exist. Perhaps in another decade, most therapists will be clinically and culturally competent in this area. It will certainly have been this book that helped them get there.
Therapists reading this book will be both thrilled and relieved to discover that when working with polyamorous clients, there is both an art and a science to creating an effective treatment plan. In this way, clients in CNM relationships are no different from other clients: They come with presenting problems that are causing distress, and there are specific strategies they can develop to resolve their current problems and restore or achieve satisfying and connected relationships. Any skilled therapist who can work with monogamous clients to facilitate solutions to relationship problems can also learn to work effectively with clients in CNM relationships. Such work requires strength in four areas.
First, a therapist needs a basic understanding of what motivates people to engage in consensually nonmonogamous relationships. Second, the therapist needs to have working knowledge of the different types of CNM relationships that exist, how each one works, and the “pros and cons” of each model. Third, any therapist working with clients in CNM relationships must be willing and able to set aside any biases or negative past relationship experiences of their own that may prejudice them against nonmonogamy. Fourth, they need to understand the most common pitfalls and problems that are likely to occur in these relationships and be able to offer strategies and support for solving them.
Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists offers an accessible way for therapists to develop competence in each of these four areas and feel confident and comfortable working with a rapidly growing demographic of clients who are eagerly seeking their help. I am so grateful to Martha Kauppi for providing this fantastic resource for filling in the gaps that exist in professional training.
Kathy Labriola
Counselor/Nurse
Author of The Polyamory Breakup Book,
The Jealousy Workbook, and Love in Abundance
Acknowledgments
In the past couple of years, I’ve given considerable thought to what it takes to write a book, particularly one about a topic many people—even many therapists—find controversial. It turns out it isn’t as much about personal gifts and talent as I used to think; instead, it’s about the team. Rather than create long lists of names in an attempt to include everyone who has contributed to this endeavor, I will take a more narrative approach here. I hope you can find yourself in the following descriptions and know I am grateful for your part in my life and work.
I am deeply grateful to my mentors and teachers, past and present. Without thought leaders, renegades, rebels, and gifted thinkers encouraging, questioning, challenging, heckling, uplifting, and pushing me, I wouldn’t have developed my thinking to the point where I have a book to share. There have been many such influencers in my life, including my parents, who were brilliant thinkers and saw little need to conform to society’s rules about pretty much anything. Also heading up this category are Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson, creators of the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy. Ellyn and Pete’s work transformed my thinking about relational systems, enabling me to consolidate a lot of previous learning and experience, and take it to the next level, and the next level after that, and then they encouraged me to take it public. Much of the clinical grounding in this book can be attributed to them, either directly or indirectly, and I cannot say enough about how important they and their work have been to me. If you need more training in couples therapy, take a deep dive into the Developmental Model. You won’t be sorry.
Much of my thinking about polyamory, and indeed relationships in general, has developed as a result of observing thousands of relationships at close range. It may have been my fingers writing this book, but if you have ever shared your complex and beautiful relationship with me up close or from a distance, or consulted with me about your or your clients’ relationships, or written to me with a question or challenged something I wrote about on my blog or taught in a course, you are very much a coauthor. You have my deepest gratitude, and it is my sincere hope that my work lifts you up.
If, as you read this book, you become entranced by an especially well-crafted phrase, you are almost certainly noticing the elegant work of Amelia Soth, who brings significant creative gifts to the co-creation of the written materials that issue from my desk, as well as many other tasks associated with my business. Without her, my book would not see the light of day for several more years. Vanessa Harvell and Jim Fleckenstein assisted significantly with research, making it possible for me to spend time actually writing. Thank you.
You can look forward to some beautiful personal accounts of polyamory sprinkled throughout this book. These were generously contributed by real people, all of whom have this in common: They care enough about polyamory to offer their own experiences to help therapists see how their relationships actually work. Thank you from the bottom of my heart; your willingness to share your personal challenges and breakthroughs is an amazing gift to me and my readers.
And then there is love. This book is the direct result of my family and larger community of friends and colleagues lifting me, encouraging me, and supporting me, every day. My work exposes controversy, and I certainly would not have had the courage to put myself out there as I have without being grounded by the steadfast values, incisive skills, and moral compass of my community of support. Standing by me is no easy task. JoAnne, Kaya, Tracy, the Badass Sisterhood, Erik, Laura, Jacob, Ellyn, Pete, and my mentor group respond to texts, e-mails, and calls with just the right balance of support and challenge, unconditional regard, and tough love. Thank you.
The community of AASECT professionals is a vast network of unparalleled experts who offer resources anytime I’m stuck. If you ever need anything, go find a sex educator, counselor, or therapist, because they are amazing. If you regularly have questions about sex therapy, join AASECT and get on their listserv. As free resources go, this one can’t be beat. I’m especially grateful for Russell Stambaugh’s expert feedback on my chapter covering BDSM.
