Polyamory, p.32
Polyamory, page 32
Have I ever seen this type of emotional response come up for someone who is in a monogamous relationship?
If so, how did I think they should handle it?
This line of self-inquiry can be helpful because most of us don’t see a monogamous relationship that isn’t working and jump right to asking, “Why don’t you solve your entire problem by ending the relationship?” We might instead ask questions like these (a tip of the hat to Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson, creators of the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy, for formulating these questions):
What do you get out of this relationship?
Why do you stay, when things are so hard?
What is your contribution to the dynamics that are so difficult right now?
Of the things you contribute, are there any you would like to explore changing and, if so, why?
What kind of partner do you aspire to be in this relationship? How far away are you from that right now? And what small step could you take to get closer to being the partner you want to be?
WHAT IF IT IS JUST A BAD RELATIONSHIP?
We all know that sometimes relationships end, and sometimes the end of a relationship can be the best possible outcome for everyone. Of course, anyone who is in a relationship should feel empowered to make the decision to end it if it is just too hard, and, in fact, I think knowing this can help a person find the strength to really challenge themselves to grow; after all, if the experiment fails beyond what you can tolerate, you can always decide you’ve had enough. But there is nothing about polyamory that makes a relationship more or less viable than a monogamous relationship.
There are some truly horrific polyamorous relationships. There are some truly horrific monogamous relationships. Things that undermine trust tend to create deeply flawed relationships, and some of those are hard to mend. If this is the case in a polyamorous relationship you are working with, I would suggest that lack of trust is the problem, not polyamory. There are other types of situations that tend to make for problematic relationships: self-absorption, conflict avoidance, not following through on agreements, emotional dysregulation, gaslighting, emotional manipulation and abuse, projection—I could go on and on. In none of these cases would polyamory be the problem. The trick is being able to identify and make effective challenges and confrontations about the actual problem, not about polyamory.
Ask your client (or yourself) why they (or you) are in the relationship and about their feelings about polyamory. Many people have mixed feelings or reluctance about being in a polyam relationship, but if they were clear that they did not want to be in this relationship, they would have broken up rather than come to couples therapy. Your job, as with a monogamous client, is to help them figure out the puzzle they currently find themselves in.
If you happen to believe polyamory is never (or rarely) viable or adaptive, or usually results in one or more people being victimized, you’re working at a considerable disadvantage whether the topic at hand is your own relationship or that of a client. If, on the other hand, you know polyamorous relationships work well sometimes, for some people, and can be happy, healthy, and long-lasting, you will have a better chance of questioning faulty assumptions, identifying where a narrative might be skewed toward negativity, and working with the vulnerabilities underneath reactive responses. Ultimately, this will lead to the clients becoming able to discern whether the relationship is sufficiently workable and fulfilling or if a breakup is the right choice.
I tell my clients I’m all for them deciding to break up, but I think it would be better to make that decision from a place of rational thought rather than during a period of time where tempers are running high and judgment is clouded by self-protective mechanisms and negative meaning-making.
CLOSING THOUGHTS ABOUT JEALOUSY
Jealousy is a natural, common, and near-inevitable part of life and relationships. But like any other emotion, it shouldn’t have the power to rule our lives. Working effectively with jealousy (and other difficult emotions) will help you take control in session and defuse the un-productive, time-consuming spirals of negative meaning-making that uncontrolled emotions tend to evoke.
Your client’s growing ability to self-regulate will pay off in every relationship in the future and every sphere. And since every relationship is guaranteed to present interpersonal conflict, difficulty self-regulating or managing negative meaning-making will come back and haunt the next relationship and the one after that, whether monogamous or polyamorous.
It can be tremendously heart-wrenching to see someone you care about afflicted with the pain of uncontrolled emotion. As empathetic helpers, it is tempting to try to solve the problem for the sufferer to alleviate their pain. When the emotion is jealousy, it can seem like the obvious solution is to either encourage ending the relationship or push for a behavior change in the partner. Those might indeed be useful steps, but they carry the risk of sidestepping personal growth. Better to stay steady in the stream of emotion and learn to challenge and shift damaging and disempowering narratives, check assumptions, and move toward connection and truth. It’s a beautiful thing to watch self-confidence and inner peace grow as someone you care about learns to work through a jealous moment without spinning out.
A final thought: I’ve spent most of this chapter talking about addressing jealousy in the context of polyamorous relationships, but these skills will come in handy in any kind of relationship. Jealousy is not reserved for people in open relationships; plenty of people in monogamous relationships experience it, too. Any progress a person can make toward being happy and feeling grounded and balanced within themselves will pay off in every relationship and in many contexts. It’s all part of what I call the Happiness Project.
CHAPTER 14
Infidelity, Broken Agreements, and Building Trust
INFIDELITY BEFORE POLYAMORY
Sometimes the entry point to polyamory is infidelity. We all know how damaging the lies and betrayal surrounding infidelity can be. With that in mind, I think the most fascinating thing about the transition from infidelity to polyamory is that it often works very well—after, of course, a significant process of rebuilding trust, shedding old conflict-avoiding habits, and building differentiation of self. It amazes me when I consider how many cases I’ve personally seen in which partners rebuilt the wreckage of an affair, or multiple affairs, into a beautiful, loving polyamorous relationship, demonstrating truly impressive courage and compassion in the process. I want to share a story with you from someone whose personal experience illustrates how dramatic this transformation can be.
I have extensive experience in both polyamory and infidelity, and I can tell you without a doubt that they are incredibly different. You see, I started cheating on my partner while she was pregnant with our first child. Yes, I’m one of those assholes, and I will never be able to undo the things that I have done. During the next four years, I proceeded to cheat on my partner with multiple women, multiple times, and while I will never make an excuse for my behavior, there were reasons why I did what I did, which can be boiled down to two main themes: I was transgender, and I was way too ashamed to tell anyone that I was trans. My resentment and my fear of vulnerability created the perfect storm to seek fake connection elsewhere. In short, for me, cheating happened when I feared vulnerability.
Polyamory, on the other hand, will fail miserably if everyone involved doesn’t embrace vulnerability. And not just once at the outset. It is a conscious and necessary intention every single day because feelings of jealousy or hurt or anger can crop up at any time.
I am thankful that my partner and I were able to work through a lot of hard things so that we could completely restructure the relationship we thought we were committing to when we got married. We both now have multiple fulfilling romantic relationships and have had an open relationship for almost 10 years.
Stories like these are not uncommon. Clearly, polyamory provides a path for people to fulfill desires that might otherwise be met through infidelity, while still acting with integrity, compassion, and respect for their partner. But I don’t think that explains how someone can go from being an incredibly unreliable monogamous partner to becoming an extremely reliable, dependable polyamorous one. I think this comes down to an identity issue. In our culture, many people have no idea that polyamory exists, and certainly not that it is a viable relationship option. Perhaps this is changing now, as polyamory and other consensual nonmonogamies are showing up in the media more, but until perhaps five to 10 years ago, most people had never heard of polyamory.
Imagine being someone who has always thought of yourself as having more than one partner. In your imaginings growing up, you pictured yourself with two or more partners. Then you find yourself grown and longing for deep connection. You get married or form a committed relationship. But a part of you is still not fulfilled, and you don’t have language for it. Then you meet someone other than your spouse to whom you are deeply attracted. This is what you always imagined for yourself; it just makes sense. But you didn’t, and still don’t, have language for it.
I think this is one common way in which infidelity can be the entry point to polyamory, and polyamory not only provides a missing piece, but also opens the door to an ethical, values-based way of expressing a lifelong identity. It makes sense to me that, once a person is expressing important parts of themselves in ways that are respectful, ethical, and honest, and that are not based in secrecy and shame, they could become much more dependable and reliable relationally. When internal chaos settles down, external chaos settles down, too.
As you can see, the discovery of infidelity may result in a discussion of polyamory. Compared to the other possible moments you might discuss polyamory with a partner—for instance, in the early stages, before the relationship even commences, or later on, once the relationship has progressed quite a bit—this seems like it would be the least likely option to result in success. While it’s arguably the least ideal, the most traumatic, and dramatic, I have often seen it succeed nonetheless. Oftentimes, partners successfully move past the infidelity and create a well-functioning open relationship. Maybe the bombshell disclosure of a desire for polyamory gets obscured somewhat by the bigger and more damaging bombshell of infidelity, or maybe the pain of the affair is perceived as being less than the pain of the lies, making a natural entry point for a discussion of consensual nonmonogamy.
It seems to me that an early, up-front discussion is the easiest and most likely to result in successfully opening the relationship, and I have seen it work extremely well, and with considerably less drama, than other approaches. Perhaps that’s because early in a relationship partners are still discovering multiple aspects of one another, and perhaps it’s because the new relationship energy can help partners stretch outside of their usual comfort zone and try new things. Also, without years of water under the bridge, it might be easier to use good manners, be truly considerate of one another’s preferences, and make a good repair, which makes a big difference. Unfortunately, this ideal approach requires that a person already be aware of polyamory as an option or have the foresight to know they might at some point in the future want another relationship concurrently and have the courage to bring it up early on.
Infidelity that leads to polyamory can look a lot of different ways, but here are a few situations I have seen fairly often:
Someone knows they are not interested in monogamy but is afraid to bring up polyamory to their partner. They may be deeply people-pleasing or conflict avoidant. Instead of having the tough conversation, they have multiple relationships and hope it works out. Oftentimes, of course, one partner will discover another partner. If they thought there was an agreement to be monogamous, this will be a discovery of infidelity.
Someone has a lot of internal confusion about what they want or who they are in multiple spheres. They just sort of stumble through relationships without a lot of internal clarity about themselves. As their partners confront them about broken agreements, they begin to figure out more about themselves, and the discussion of polyamory emerges.
Someone thinks they made an agreement with their partner to have the option of extradyadic relationships, but the discussion was vague and the agreement was never formed and confirmed. They think they are free to consider having other relationships, and their partner does not think they agreed to that. Fast-forward to the crisis when a new relationship is either disclosed or (worse) discovered after nondisclosure.
Someone has one or more experiences of infidelity. In the process of mending, recovering, and rebuilding trust, they engage in therapy or some other personal growth process, focusing on issues related to making and keeping agreements. They get better at figuring out what they want and expressing their desires and preferences to their partner. Sometimes it turns out that what they actually want is to have more than one intimate relationship at a time. What started out as therapy to heal infidelity turns into therapy to discuss one partner’s desire to have a polyamorous relationship.
Someone has been married for decades and stumbles into a romantic attraction to a coworker or friend. They act on the attraction. This leads to a realization that they don’t want to give up the new relationship or that they want to continue to be able to experience new love/new relationship energy on occasion. At the same time, they don’t want to give up their long-term relationship. One way or another, they learn about polyamory and open the discussion, either right away, much later, or after attempting to open the relationship on their own and encountering problems.
The transition from infidelity to polyamory is challenging. It requires both partners to take an honest look at their desires and goals as individuals and partners. This kind of work is also an opportunity for a therapist to really test their polyamory-related cultural competence, because infidelity is certainly a rough start. Additionally, this therapy involves making a repair, and for most people the process of initiating, and allowing, a solid and compassionate repair that results in a stronger relationship is quite a stretch.
When I work with an infidelity case, I always wonder in the back of my mind whether the partners are aware that polyamory is an option. The existence of an extradyadic relationship suggests that at least one person is or has been interested in at least one extradyadic relationship. I’m curious to discover how they decided to engage in that relationship, how they decided to lie about it or keep it secret from their partner, and which aspects of the situation they would do differently if they had it to do over again. Would they choose not to act on their attraction for the other person? Would they act on it but choose to be transparent about it? Both?
If either or both of the partners are interested in discussing polyamory, I think that, as a therapist, it is important to be able to engage in the conversation. Considering that there are so many examples of successful infidelity-to-polyamory transitions, I think it’s important that people be aware of their entire slate of options, so that they can make a fully informed choice. Plus, as a therapist, you’re ideally positioned to debunk myths and provide resources to support their learning. Your clients probably won’t get that anywhere else.
FACILITATING HEALING AND BUILDING TRUST
Naturally, this might sound a bit challenging. One partner is reeling from a betrayal—how are you supposed help them hold steady for a discussion about the option of an open relationship? Polyamory is no more effective as a way to mend a broken relationship than adopting a pet, getting pregnant, moving overseas, or adding any other huge stressor. Even in the best of circumstances, the transition into polyamory tends to be a big deal. It’s an undertaking that challenges many people’s sense of feeling chosen, emotionally safe, and secure. As you can imagine, recovery from infidelity is far from the ideal circumstances for beginning that process. Ideally, partners opening a relationship would start from a place of strength and connection, rather than woundedness and lack of security.
Many therapists would say that healing and repairing from the infidelity has to come first, before a discussion of opening the relationship. While I don’t disagree in theory, I have also seen successful polyamory evolve from circumstances that are far from ideal. Plus, both of your clients in the couple may, in reality, want to discuss polyamory; in fact, I have only rarely worked with couples who are willing to completely table the discussion of polyamory while rebuilding from infidelity. It’s completely possible to have the two conversations simultaneously, and that’s often how it works in my therapy room.
LIES AND LIE-INVITING BEHAVIOR
Trust is an interactional system. It involves more than one person, like any other aspect of a relationship. Both partners have a role in creating an environment of trust between them. When an agreement has been broken or a lie discovered, it is easy to focus on the partner who had the lapse. But when we do that, we miss an important aspect of the solution, which is the relational system between partners.
In their book Tell Me No Lies (2001), Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson take a deep dive into the systemic nature of honesty and lying. Bader and Pearson offer a taxonomy of lies, distinguishing between loving lies, conflict-avoidant lies, passive-aggressive lies, and felony lies.
