Saving prom, p.2
Saving Prom, page 2
Sure she’d had dated. Sometimes it felt like she had a new guy every other week which was its own brand of hell for yours truly, but watching her get serious with a guy was way worse than watching her date a new guy every two weeks.
Not that her dating surprised me. It’s not like a popular and pretty girl like Felicity wasn’t going to date.
Though come to think of it I was a popular and pretty girl and it’s not like I dated. I’m not trying to toot my own horn here or make myself sound better for the purpose of this book. All the interest I got from guys was proof enough that the interest was there. It’s just I wasn’t interested in that interest, if that makes sense.
“He doesn’t know what he’s missing out on dumping you,” I said.
I meant it. One hundred percent. He really didn’t know what he was missing out on. The guy had the most wonderful thing in the world, and he’d thrown her away.
I wanted to scream at him that he was an idiot. At the same time I wanted to go up and give him a hug and a kiss, something I’d never really particularly wanted to do with any of the boys, because if he wasn’t dating her that meant…
Well honestly I figured it didn’t mean much of anything. I didn’t think she was magically going to decide she wanted to be with me just because she got dumped by her first serious relationship. But that didn’t mean a girl couldn’t dream.
Before him she’d never stuck with a guy for more than a week or two at a time. This guy was a new record.
Felicity sighed. “You know you’re supposed to say things like that. You’re my best friend.”
“Yeah,” I said. “Something like that.”
Hey, what can I say? It’s not like I was going to admit the real reasons I thought the guy was an idiot for dumping her.
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” I said. “It’s not like it’s all that difficult to find a prom date.”
“Oh yeah?” she asked. “You’re just saying that because you’re not going.”
Oh boy. Here we went again. Another one of those awkward conversations where Felicity talked about how I didn’t date and I had to dance around the fact that the reason I didn’t date was because there was only one person I was interested in dating, and oh by the way that person happened to be sitting across the table from me and I couldn’t tell her she was the one because that would be the end of everything and I was a big coward.
“Well you know,” I said.
“No. I don’t know,” Felicity said. “You’re so pretty. I know a few guys who are crazy about you, and you don’t give any of them the time of day.”
She sighed. An overly dramatic sigh. The kind of sigh that said she was going to find me the one if it killed her, even if she had given up on the whole playing matchmaker thing a long time ago.
Thank goodness. I’d gone on a couple of double dates with her in early high school. Awkward double dates where I wasn’t interested in the guy and our parents were doing the driving and the only reason I went along was because I knew I’d get to spend an evening with Felicity which was sort of like a real date.
In a sad and fucked up sort of way, but when you had a sad unrequited crush you took what you could get.
“I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of it,” I said. “You used to date a new a guy every other week. What would be such a big deal about finding another one? What was so special about this guy?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “Nothing really. It’s just that you were right. I was always dating a new guy every couple of weeks and I felt like…”
Another sigh. Obviously the strain of going out with all these guys was weighing heavily on her. And it was something I could totally identify with, because the strain of watching her going out with all those guys had certainly been weighing heavily on me.
Every time she got a new boyfriend it felt like my heart was being ripped out all over again. It was just another reminder that Felicity would never be into me because she wasn’t into girls.
Of course it turns out I’d been totally wrong about that. Happy ending for me and all that. But that doesn’t change the fact that at that moment in the library it felt like my heart was being ripped out again listening to her talking about going to prom with a boy.
“Well I’m sure you’ll find someone to take you to prom,” I said. “There are plenty of guys who’d love going with you.”
“Yeah,” she said. “The only problem is everybody who’s worth going with has already locked down their date. I’m screwed. That’s all there is to it.”
It was right about that moment that something crazy occurred to me. Something that would end up setting off this whole giant tempest in a small town teapot.
It was one of those ideas that was either really stupid or really genius. I couldn’t decide which one it was which probably should’ve told me something.
I almost opened my mouth right there and asked her if she wanted to go to prom with me, but of course something stopped me.
It’s a fear I’m sure everybody with a crush has had to deal with. The big difference was this particular unrequited crush was something I’m pretty sure only gay teenagers who are pining for a best friend have to deal with.
I’ve seen guys griping about getting put into the friend zone, but they have no idea how lucky they have it. At least they can assume they’re the gender the girl they’re pining for is into.
If you’re the poor gay kid with a crush on your best friend then you have to do things like watch them dating opposite gender people knowing you’re never going to have the kind of chance with your crush you’d like.
And so life becomes a string of moments opening your mouth and almost saying stupid things, and then realizing just how stupid you are and shutting your big fat mouth before you can say that monumentally stupid thing.
I was going through that same thing when I opened my mouth that day in the library. I’d done it plenty of times before. There’d been so many times when I felt like a conversation was approaching a place where I could finally confess how I really felt about her.
Every time I’d shut my big mouth because self-preservation mixed with the pure terror of knowing I could be ending the one connection I had to the girl I was head over heels in love with always kicked in.
The point was I opened my mouth and I didn’t say anything. Because to say something would be to risk having a conversation that terrified me. A conversation that would likely mean the end of our friendship. A conversation that would mean the end of the possibility that our friendship might become more than friendship.
Sure it was kind of stupid to even conceive of a world where that friendship might become more than a friendship, but then again at the same time there was always a possibility. I’d lived in a world that was nothing but hope and possibility for so long that it’s all I had.
I know there are probably plenty of people out there reading this as adults and thinking I’m an idiot or something. Go right on thinking that. It’s not my problem you’re too old to remember what young love feels like.
So I kept my big mouth shut. Because that’s what I always did. It was better to keep my mouth shut and have a friendship with her than to open my mouth and have nothing.
At least that’s what I told myself. I think that’s what a lot of people tell themselves when they find themselves in a situation like mine.
Here’s some advice from me from the future for anyone else reading this and going through the same thing I was. If you ever find yourself in a situation like that just go for it. It doesn’t matter if you’re gay or straight.
At least if you tell the object of your affection how you feel you’ll know one way or another and you can save yourself years of torture. You might be completely right and it turns out they’re not interested, but then again you might be completely wrong and it might turn into the most wonderful thing that ever happened to you.
And if it isn’t then at least you can move on and find someone who is willing to become the most wonderful thing that ever happened to you.
And move on I did that day. To my next class after English. Kicking myself the entire time for once again not having the guts to do what needed to be done and confess how I really felt.
5
Unrequited
“Let me guess,” Connie said.
I looked over to her and hit her with a glare that I hoped communicated just how much I didn’t want to have the conversation she was about to have.
“That bad, huh?” she asked.
“Worse than that,” I said. “Take the worst possible terribleness that you can think of and then multiply it by like a thousand and you might get close to how bad it was,” I replied.
Connie was my pal and confidant when it came to the frustration of having a huge girl crush on one of my best girl friends. Like she’s seriously probably my best friend ever. If she threw a party the biggest gift would be from me and all that.
I can safely say she’s my best friend because I was smart enough, even then, to realize that what I had with Felicity wasn’t exactly a friendship. It was something that resembled a friendship, but as long as I was pining for her and thinking about how great it would be if we could just spend the rest of our lives smooching on each other it wasn’t a real friendship.
It was her being friends with me and me thinking about how much I’d like to get with her.
With Connie it was different. I don’t know if it’s because we’d known each other since preschool so I felt the same about her as I would a sister, or if it was just that sometimes there are people you meet and you don’t have the hots for them even if they are pretty.
Connie is a hottie, don’t get me wrong. I just never liked her like that. Which made it really convenient because then I had someone to vent to whenever things started to get bad regarding Felicity.
Like that day after that frustrating moment we’d shared in the library. Talk about the kind of moment that had me on edge. The kind of moment that was going to have me in a funk for the rest of the day.
“You know I was starting to think the worst thing about being in math class would be the fact that I was in math class,” Connie said.
“Please,” I said. “We both know you live and breathe this crap so don’t give me that sob story.”
“Oh yeah,” Connie said with a grin. “In that case it totally makes listening to you griping about Felicity the worst part of math class!”
I stuck my tongue out. I knew she didn’t mean that. Sure she might get tired of hearing me whining about my BFF that I’d like to be more than Fs with, but she was always there for me.
“So are you going to tell me what happened?” she asked. “Keep in mind it’s not like we have much time before the bell rings.”
It was at that moment that Ms. Carol walked into the room. She was brand spanking new to the whole teaching thing and I have to say that she had a close second place in my heart when it came to girl crushes.
For the edification of anyone reading this I want to make it clear that Ms. Carol is happily engaged to a nice young medical student she met in college and in no way has she ever made an advance on me. In no way did she ever do anything inappropriate that people reading this books should get up in arms over.
You’d think I wouldn’t need to clarify something like that, but with all the media attention I’ve been getting lately I’ve learned there’s nothing better than making sure things like that are all very clearly defined.
Also? She’s totally the kind of just-out-of-college teacher that everyone has a crush on. Guys and girls alike. So when she walked into the room she had everyone’s attention. Like immediately.
I’d like to see any other math teacher in the world who could pull something like that off.
“Everyone ready?” she asked with a smile that made me melt.
“Y’know I’d think you’d be doing better in math with the way you drool over her every day,” Connie growled under her breath.
I shot her a warning glance. She might be growling these things under her breath, but if she said it loud enough there was a chance someone might overhear her.
I hadn’t stuck one toe out of the closet with my other best friend just to have her grab me by that toe and yank me out thanks to her big mouth.
“Shut up,” I hissed.
Thankfully Ms. Carol stepping into the room gave me some time to collect my thoughts. Staring at her distracted me from thoughts of Felicity long enough that I was able to calm down just a little.
Sure that’s sort of like saying you weren’t on fire anymore because you’d jumped into water so deep that there was a chance you weren’t getting out, but whatever. The point is I got over my distraction from Felicity for a little while, and that’s all I really needed.
Also? I totally didn’t learn anything about whatever we were supposed to be covering in PreCalc that day, but whatever. I’d long ago decided that whatever I did in life it wasn’t going to involve advanced mathematics.
“So are you going to tell me what happened today in English?” Connie asked once we’d pushed our desks together for the last bit of class where we had free time to do our homework.
Where “free time to do our homework” usually meant socializing, but I don’t think Ms. Carol minded all that much because it gave her plenty of time to sit at her desk and work on wedding planning.
Again she totally did her job and is probably one of the best math teachers in the district, and I’m not just saying that because of how hot I think she is. I just don’t want her to get in trouble for doing some of her wedding planning on the clock.
With as much work as most teachers have to do on and off the clock these days I figured she deserved that time.
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” I asked.
“I don’t really care one way or another,” Connie said. “But I bet I can tell you exactly what happened and you don’t need to tell me a single damn thing.”
“Oh yeah?” I asked. “Well then you tell me everything that happened.”
“You said you were in the library today, right?” she asked. “So I’m willing to bet the librarian shushed someone.”
“That doesn’t have anything to do with anything,” I said. “And you also might be right about that too.”
“Of course I’m right about it,” she said, her tone saying that there was never any doubt in her mind that she was right about it. “So the librarian shushed a couple of people and everyone quieted down, but they were still talking because that librarian isn’t nearly as bad as everyone makes her out to be.”
“Uh-huh,” I said. “You’re fishing.”
I glanced up at the clock. We still had a good twenty minutes to go. I swear. It was like time ran differently when I was in math class. I wondered if it was the same for people who weren’t very good in other subjects. Like were there people out there who dreaded English or FACS?
“Right. So you got to talking to Felicity and something happened that made you almost tell her how you feel about her, but you chickened out.”
She stopped and did a little bow in her desk. Meanwhile I was looking around the room to make sure no one overheard what she’d just said.
It was close enough to the truth that I wasn’t exactly comfortable having her speaking that truth where prying ears might be listening in. It was high school. You never knew when someone was listening in on you and waiting for the next big rumor to spread around the place.
“You’re close,” I said. “But you don’t have to be so smug about it.”
“Of course I do,” Connie said. “And besides. It’s not like it’s a huge deal that I figured it out. That’s basically the same thing that happens every time you get close to telling her how you feel.”
At least Connie was being nice enough to play the name game. Which meant she wasn’t actually breathing a word of anyone’s name. That would make it harder for someone listening in to figure out exactly what it was we were talking about.
Paranoid? Maybe, but you try growing up gay in a small town with a crush on the last person in the world you want finding out about that crush. You learn some coping mechanisms so you can talk about it in public without worrying about someone figuring it out.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” I said. “I mean it would be so much easier if I just told her. At least then she could decide she doesn’t want anything to do with me and that would be that.”
“Or maybe she’d decide she’s madly in love with you and she wants nothing more than to be with you. You could run off to San Francisco and be happy together.”
“Please,” I said. “Besides. Have you heard anything about SF? It’s all a bunch of tech bros these days. Not at all the gay haven it was once upon a time.”
I may or may not know about that because maybe I’d read a few things about the bigger cities in the world where a young lesbian could go and not worry about people hassling her. Gay Meccas where I wouldn’t have to worry about exactly the kind of judgment I ended up getting when news about my chosen prom date got out.
“Whatever,” Connie said. “The point is you never know what the answer’s going to be until you ask her. So why don’t you do what I’ve been telling you to do for ages now and just tell her how you feel?”
“Because I’ve heard of it ending in disaster often enough that I’m not in the mood to repeat that in my life,” I groused.
“Your loss,” Connie said. “But I don’t want to hear you griping about what’s going on with you and Fe… with you and your friend until you get the guts to do something about it.”
I stuck my tongue out. It was the same advice she gave me every time I came to her complaining about Felicity, and every time I came to her with a new complaint she was always willing to listen.
Even if it was getting pretty obvious that she was getting tired of listening to those complaints.
“Come on,” Connie said. “If you’re not going to tell her how you feel then the least you can do is get to work on your homework. You know you’re not going to do it when you get home.”
