Saving prom, p.7
Saving Prom, page 7
"What I really want…"
I licked my lips. Just a little. Because if I really stuck my tongue out it would've been rubbing against her lips, and that would've been going too far. It would’ve been totally hot, but it would've been taking things way too far.
“What I really want is to go into the mall and see if they have some winter shirts in my size," she said.
I blinked. I'd been subconsciously leaning forward. Preparing to press my lips against hers. Finally give her the kiss I'd always hoped for. That I’d always dreamed of. Like I'm talking I've literally dreamed of kissing her, but it looked like it wasn't going to happen today.
"Oh," I said, trying to hide my disappointment.
Five minutes later we stood in front of Fashion For Her which was the latest hotness in teenage fashion at our school. Which would’ve been fine normally, I liked to shop as much as the next girl, but even shopping wasn't going to fix my mood after that tease.
She had to know she was teasing me. She had to be doing this on purpose, right? That couldn't all be wishful thinking on my part.
"Come on!" she said, her voice back to the same cheerfulness she always had. She reached down and grabbed my hand.
So on the one hand I was ridiculously frustrated that I was in a situation where I'd just been so close to kissing her. Even though I was pretty sure that's not what she was going for.
On the other hand it all seemed okay on balance, considering I was holding her hand. So, as always, I let myself be dragged along to whatever craziness she was planning.
13
Confusion
I guess it's true what they say. The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Going into Fashion For Her it was the same old thing that had happened time and time again when we went shopping at this store. The same old thing even though it was a totally different store, that is.
Sadly, I wasn't surprised that it was a new business. It was like that particular location in the mall was cursed or something. Stores went in, always selling the same old stuff, people talked about how it was the best ever for a little while, and then eventually it lost its trendiness and everybody moved on to another store just in time for the current hotness to go out of business.
Felicity found a cute fuzzy pink sweater that looked adorable on her. I couldn't wait to see her wearing it around. It was still cold enough that she could pull it off, and I certainly didn't want to wait until next year at college.
I wasn't even sure if we were going to be going to the same school. We’d always talked about it, we’d even talked about being roommates in the dorms which always twisted my stomach when I thought about the possibilities, but I knew not to count on anything like that.
As we walked through the mall I saw a group of girls coming towards us. They must've been from another school because I didn't recognize any of them. And I would’ve recognized these girls. They looked like cheerleader types. They all had letter jackets on, a different school of course, which meant I didn't get a good look at what they looked like underneath, but that didn't matter. They were all beautiful.
I turned my head just a little to follow them as they walked past. Maybe their letter jackets were covering their tops, but I could sure get a good look at their bottoms.
I found myself blessing whatever fashion genius had decided yoga pants were a fashion trend that was here to stay. Not only were they ridiculously comfortable, but they were also ridiculously fun to look at.
"Enjoying the view?" Felicity asked, giving me a knowing stare.
I blushed and looked away, then decided screw it. She already knew what I was, so what was the point in trying to hide it? That was the whole reason I was looking in the first place.
“Can you blame me?” I asked. "I figured since the cat is out of the bag, why not?"
"Really?" she replied, looking at me with an unreadable expression.
"I mean, why not? You talk about guys you think are cute. Why shouldn't I look at girls I think are cute?"
"So do you see any girls you think are cute right now?" she asked with a twinkle in her eye.
She had to know exactly what she was doing to me, and that twinkle in her eye said not only did she know exactly what she was doing to me, but she was enjoying it.
I had a hard time believing Felicity could be that cruel though. She was always so nice. The good girl. Not the kind of person who’d tease a friend like that.
"I think I made it clear there’s at least one girl around here who I think is amazing," I said.
“Odd. If you were around a girl that amazing why would you need to check out other girls in front of her?” she asked.
That brought me up short. She was talking like she was actually jealous of me checking out those other girls, but she couldn't possibly be jealous of me checking out other girls while I was around her, could she? After all, she wasn't into girls.
Or me.
I felt a flash of anger. After all, it wasn't fair that she was acting like she had some sort of exclusive right to my attention. Not when she'd made it clear she wasn't interested.
Then again when I really thought about it I found myself wondering if she'd actually made it clear that she wasn't interested, or if that was just me saying no for her before she got a chance to say yes.
I had left awfully fast this past weekend, after all, and I'd spent the whole weekend going over worst-case scenarios to the point that everything blended together and it was difficult to tell what was real and what was my imagination.
"Why should you be jealous of me checking out other girls?" I asked, licking my lips.
"I don't know," she said. "Why should I?"
She reached out and took my hand. Wrapped her fingers in mine. Like we’re talking interlaced fingers. Definitely a hell of a lot more familiar than our handholding had ever been before.
I shivered. Shook my head. Looked at her and then down to where our hands came together to try and figure out if this was real.
I had to be imagining things. Right?
“Come on," she said. "We can go for a walk. Maybe find more girls for you to check out."
I felt like I was in a dream. I wasn't sure what the hell was going on. I'd thought my confusion back when I had a crush on Felicity was bad enough, but that was nothing compared to the confusion now.
What was her game? Was she teasing me on purpose? I still didn't think she had it in her to be that cruel, but at the same time there was the evidence right in front of me.
"Come on Felicity," I said. "Seriously. What's going on here. Because if you…"
"Be quiet and enjoy yourself," she said.
Be quiet and enjoy myself? Well that was all well and good for her to say, but she wasn't the one who was dealing with the fallout of a crush she’d carried her entire life finally coming true. She wasn't the one dealing with the confusing turmoil of emotions that came with not knowing if I was getting what I wanted or if the world was just fucking with me.
Was my best friend and crush fucking with me because she thought it was fun? Not a pleasant thought. No, not a pleasant thought at all.
"Those girls look pretty cute," Felicity said.
I turned and saw a couple of girls who looked like they were in college. There was something different about a college girl. It's hard to explain. Maybe when you're old it gets difficult to tell the difference between high school and college, but I could tell.
They looked confident. Sure of themselves. One of them had short hair and a nose ring. If I tried to give off the sort of signal that a stealth fighter would show on the ol’ gaydar then she was giving off one hell of a giant signal that anyone could see from miles away.
"Did you just call that girl cute?" I asked, not quite believing what I’d heard.
Felicity shrugged and smiled. "Why not? She is cute."
Hearing Felicity talking about that girl like that had me suddenly wanting to change my entire style. If she was into the shorthaired butch look, but with a little dash of femme, then I’d be more than willing to go there for her. I think at this point in the story we've already established that I was more than willing to go anywhere and do anything for Felicity.
Yes. I know how pathetic that sounds. No one ever said being smitten with someone couldn't turn pathetic.
I looked at my friend. "Are you sure you're all right?"
"Why wouldn't I be all right?" she asked, giving my hand a squeeze. "I'm out with my best friend, and we’re checking out girls. Isn't this what you wanted?"
What I wanted was her. I'd already made that point clear, and the last thing I wanted was to have another embarrassing confession. Not when the last confession of my innermost deepest darkest feelings was resulting in such a weird situation with Felicity.
"Look," I said. "I know you're a nice person by default, but if you don't have to try to make me feel better by checking out girls with me as some sort of bullshit solidarity thing or something. It's enough that you're my friend."
"Oh yeah?" she asked. "That's nice and all, but…"
She looked up. And I realized we stood in front of the entrance to the movie theater. Why were we in front of the movie theater?
"What's going on?" I asked.
Felicity shrugged. “I was wondering if maybe you'd like to see a movie with me."
There was something about the way she looked at me that had me shivering and shaking. It was all I could do to keep the shivers and shakes under control, because either I was doing a hell of a lot of wishful thinking or she was sending me one hell of a signal.
I licked my lips. Looked her up and down. She didn't seem all that upset that I was looking her up and down. I briefly wondered if this was all in my head or if she really was sending me all of these signals as loud and clear as I thought she was.
"So what do you say?" she asked. "How about we go see a movie?"
My body was really going crazy now. Like think about the first time you ever had a crush on someone. Bonus points if it's a crush you had on a person who totally didn't reciprocate that crush in any way, shape, or form.
Now think back to that thing that I'm pretty sure everybody does when they're in the middle of a serious crush. Particularly an unrequited crush.
You look at every action that crush does. Everything they say to you. You analyze it looking for significance where, to be perfectly honest, there probably wasn't any.
It's a constant triumph of wishful thinking over reality. At least that had been my experience, and reading the other tortured online tales of other gay kids who'd gone through similar experiences was enough to assure me that I wasn't alone in this experience.
I was pretty sure I was doing it now. Overanalyzing everything. I couldn't shake the sure feeling that when she talked about going to see a movie with her she was talking about a hell of a lot more than just going to see a movie.
To say I was confused would be one hell of an understatement. She'd never acted interested in me like this before. It didn't make any sense.
So I chickened out. Hey, I'm not exactly proud of it. I was finally getting my big opportunity, and I blew it.
What can I say? I was getting everything I ever wanted, but there was that little bit of uncertainty that fed into all the insecurity I'd ever felt where Felicity was concerned, and so I whiffed on the pitch.
"I really need to get home," I said.
"Are you sure about that?" she asked.
This time her voice sounding even more insistent. She gave my hand a squeeze. Seemed to pull me closer, or was that my imagination?
And her eyes. Deep green eyes that I could lose myself in. That I was losing myself in right now. Eyes that had always been perfect. That always drew me in. That always had me doing stupid things.
Like admitting that I was gay, and oh by the way I totally had a crush on her too.
I licked my lips. She'd asked if I was sure. I wasn't sure at all, but I also wasn't saying anything.
"I have to go," I said. "I'm sorry."
Words couldn't describe just how sorry I was. Not that being sorry was going to stop me from doing something stupid.
Before she could say anything else, before she could pull me in and really make me regret something, I pulled away and fled the mall. I kicked myself the entire time for being such a freaking idiot.
14
Emergency Meeting
The car pulled up and Connie looked out at me. It was a weird look.
“What the hell are you doing all the way out here? I thought you walked to school today,” she said.
I didn’t answer. I just climbed into the car as fast as I could. I couldn’t shake the feeling that Felicity was somewhere behind me. Stalking me like some sort of hockey masked psycho from a movie or something, although she was way hotter than the hockey masked psychos I usually saw in horror movies.
“What the hell is going on Lily?” she asked.
“Just drive,” I said.
“But…”
I turned to the mall. Thought I saw a flash of movement in there. And in my weird state of mind that flash of movement became Felicity chasing me.
“Just drive damn it!” I shouted.
Thankfully Connie didn’t have to be told twice. She hit the accelerator, and it was just in time. Whoever had been moving behind the glass stepped out. I held my breath, but it was some young mother pushing along her little kid in a stroller.
She had blonde hair like Felicity, but a lady with a stroller and a baby definitely wasn’t Felicity. Which just went to show how jumpy I was.
“So do you want to tell me what the hell is going on here?” Connie asked, irritation coming to her voice. “I was in the middle of my math homework when you interrupted me.”
“Don’t bullshit me,” I said. “You never have math homework. I saw you finish it today in class. So what were you doing?”
Her cheeks colored and she looked straight ahead out the window. “Okay. Maybe I was busy killing some dragons in Skyrim. What’s it to you?”
I growled and rolled my eyes. “I’m having one of the most difficult mall trips in my life and you’re worried that I interrupted your digital dragon slaying? Seriously?”
“Hey,” Connie said. “I take my digital dragon slaying seriously. And if you breathe a word to anyone that I was playing that game…”
“Your secret is safe with me,” I said. “After all, you’ve kept plenty of my secrets over the years. I’d say keeping your video games secret doesn’t even begin to make us even.”
“You’re damn right it doesn’t, and you’d better remember that,” she said. “So are you going to tell me what’s going on here?”
I took a deep breath. Thought about all the weird shit that had just happened to me. Wondered if it had actually happened, or if all the stress of everything had finally pushed me over the edge.
Even if it was a crazy dream, I needed to tell Connie all about it. So I spilled everything. How I was pretty sure Felicity had been teasing me. Coming on to me. It was crazy, but yet there we were.
After I finished Connie stared out the window for a long time. Long enough that I started to wonder if maybe she hadn’t been listening at all. Though what I’d just told her had been pretty freaking crazy. Maybe she was still processing. Still, it wouldn’t hurt to prod her.
“Connie?” I asked.
She jumped. Looked at me. Shook her head and grinned. “You sure do know how to have a crazy time. You know that, right?”
“Tell me about it,” I said. “So what do you think? Am I going crazy? Or was I picking up on something there? Was she hitting on me?”
Connie took a deep breath. Let out a sigh.
“I just don’t know,” she said. “I mean you confessed the whole gay thing to me a long time ago. It seems like if she really was gay, or if she was curious, she would’ve told someone about it. We’re pretty close to her, and I can tell you she hasn’t come out to me.”
I was very good at outlining worst-case scenarios regarding coming out and telling Felicity how I felt, but as I sat there in Connie’s car watching the same familiar landscape passing by I suddenly found myself weaving some crazy best case scenarios.
“You don’t know. What if she really did have feelings and she kept quiet this whole time because she didn’t want to make things weird? Wasn’t I doing the same thing?”
Connie turned to me for a second. Long enough for me to see the somewhat sad look plain on her face. She shook her head and then turned back to the road.
“Listen to yourself,” she said. “Do you really think that’s what’s going on here? What’s more likely? That she’s been carrying a torch for you all these years and it was you coming out to her that finally made her decide she was going to admit she was madly in love with you? Or do you think maybe it’s more likely that she’s just trying to be nice? That she’s confused and not sure what to do, and so she’s acting weird, and that’s making your imagination go into overdrive because this is what you’ve always wanted?”
“I liked it better when you were telling me to follow my dreams,” I said. “I can’t say I care for all of this raining on my parade.”
“Sorry,” she said. “But I think somebody has to be realistic about this stuff. Especially with everything that’s been going on. You’re letting all this get to you.”
We lapsed into silence. I stared out at the road passing by. Looked at all the places that had been a part of my life for so long. This town that was home, and yet at the same time I’d always felt like I was a little out of place.
I was an outsider, and that meant it was entirely possible there were other outsiders out there as well. Kids who were going through the same thing I was. Kids who were terrified of coming out of the closet because they knew we lived in small town USA where that sort of thing wasn’t exactly tolerated as well as it was in the bigger suburbs or cities.
