Silent guilt, p.18
Silent Guilt, page 18
part #2 of Silent Series
“Need any help?”
“No, big brother, I’m good. The beer’s outside in a large cooler instead of the refrigerator if you want one.”
“Good to know because that is just what I need.” I start to head in the direction of the door that leads to the back deck.
“You okay?” I pause and look back toward my sister. “Shannon mentioned what happened yesterday. Need me to teach the fucking bitch a lesson?”
“No, I don’t. I want you and that damn redhead out there,” I throw my thumb up, pointing it behind, toward the back door, “to let me handle it. What is it with you two wanting to beat people up? You I get, but Shannon?”
“Shannon is hotheaded and a firecracker. You should have figured that out by now and I love her for it.” Nikki laughs. “Don’t fuck that up, Nick. I’ve always wanted a sister.”
“No, you didn’t. Go lie to someone else.” I walk over and pull my sister into a hug. I know she’s got my back. I get that’s what she is trying to tell me, but I also know she wouldn’t think twice. She’d beat the shit of Teresa if she thought it wouldn’t piss me off.
She peers up at me. “I love you.”
“I love you too, baby girl.” I take hold of her chin in-between my thumb and index finger, holding her firmly in place. “But you need to keep your hands and this fucking mouth of yours on your own man and stop the shit you are doing. You’re killing him.” She tries to pull away from me, but I increase the hold I have on her. “He isn’t going to tell you that, but you are.”
She shoves me back and I release her.
“Stay out of my shit.”
Nikki walks past me and out the door. I shake my head, but follow her out and locate the cooler. Nikki wasn’t lying when she said it was a large cooler. Opening the lid, I reach in, pulling out a Miller Light.
“Grab me one too,” Jase yells from across the deck. I grab another and walk over to where he and Matt are standing.
“Just how many fuckers are we planning on getting drunk?” I indicate to the tub full of alcohol I just left.
“It’s a party, man. Enjoy you fucking self.” Jase looks happy but also looks lit. I doubt that’s his first beer tonight.
Twisting the cap off, I take a long and much needed guzzle of beer just as warm hands wrap around my waist. Pulling her in front of me, and then picking her up off the ground, I kiss my girl. I give a deep, passionate kiss right in front of everyone, not caring the least bit.
I release her back to the ground and wrap my forearm around her chest, pulling her against my body.
“God. Even that shitty-ass beer tastes wonderful on your tongue just now.”
“Shitty? There is nothing shitty about this, babe.” I hold up the bottle in front of her before taking another sip.
“Well, now there isn’t. Not when I can’t have any for the next seven months.” Anything would taste better than plain water.” I look down to see a frown across her face. She is so damn cute sometimes.
“Poor baby,” I mock in a playful tone.
“Jerk,” she retorts and follows it by a jab to my ribs from her elbow. Shannon huffs and walks off in the direction of my sister. She sends daggers my way for butting into her and Jase’s relationship, but hell, someone has to help save them.
“What did you do to your sister, Lockhart? Fuck, I’m getting scared just standing next to you.” Matt looks away from Nikki and at me. Jase glances at his girl and back to me.
“She’s fine,” I tell him. Just because I know my sister’s kinky shit, and a few other people do too, doesn’t mean the world needs to know. Frankly, I want to forget it myself. Looking over at Jase, I ask, “So when do we eat?”
Jase looks over at Nikki once more and then back to me, pinning me what a look before answering, “In a few.”
~~~~~~
A couple of hours later, I’m pulling out another beer when Jase walks from inside the house. He’s furious. It’s written all over his face. He’s grabs my sister by her forearm, getting right in her face to speak. I can’t hear their conversation, but I know it’s heated.
My brotherly instincts are itching to come out. I want to march over and pull him away from her, but I don’t. I know deep down he’d never hurt her; this is the only thing that has me staying put.
“Go take care of that shit, now.” His voice rises as he points inside the house. My curiosity kicks up. He practically shoves her through the door before turning and looking at me.
God, I want to deck his motherfucking ass right now.
I see him take a deep breath and shake his head from side to side before he walks over to me.
“I’m sorry, brother.” He bends down, reaching into the cooler for a beer of his own as I wait for an explanation of what just played out in front of me. “Your mom just walked in the front door. She is in there talking to Shannon now.”
“Excuse me?” Surely, I haven’t heard him correctly. “What the fuck is my mother doing here?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t wait around the find out. I’m sure it has something to do with your fucking sister. It usually does.”
“Motherfucker. One goddamn day.” Why can’t I have one fucking day to relax and not think about my fucked up family and my even more fucked up life because of who I’m related to?
“I sent Nikki inside. I told her she needed to make her leave.”
“No, I’ll handle this shit right fucking now.”
I push off the railing and make my way inside to see Shannon, my sister and my mother seated in the living room. Shannon sees me first and stands. My mother and sister turn at the same time.
“Nicholas, darling.” My mother stands up.
“Why are you here?” I slam the door and cross my arms over my chest.
“Nick,” Shannon interjects.
“Stay out of this, Shannon. Go outside,” I tell her without taking my eyes off the woman I want nothing to do with right now. I don’t hate my mother, but I’m far from over her part in what happened. “I asked you a question.”
“I invited her.”
My arms uncross and my head moves in the direction of Shannon.
“You did what?”
“Does your hearing need to be checked? I invited her. That’s why she is here.”
“Excuse us a minute,” I state as I stalk across the room, taking Shannon by the wrist and pulling her down the hall to the bedroom.
Once inside, I pull her in and slam the door closed. I’m sure making everyone’s aware of just how pissed off I am.
“Want to explain?”
“Want to lose the attitude?”
“Woman,” I bark. “Don’t start this shit with me. Why is my mother here?”
Shannon crosses her arms together and relaxes her face.
“I thought,” she so calmly speaks, but I interrupt her being the asshole I am.
“Well, there you go. No one asked you to fucking think.”
“I’m going to ignore that.” She places her hands on her hips, but I can tell she’s pissed off at me and that little remark isn’t going to be ignored. “And you’re going to listen to me right now, aren’t you?”
“Fine. By all means speak. I’m dying to know what you thought you were doing.” I’m barely able to get the last word out before the palm of her hand connects with my face.
“Fuck you and don’t ever speak to me like that again. She was alone, Nick. And you, you need to get over whatever it is she did. I don’t know what it is. Your sister won’t tell me, but yes, I know it has to do with your dad and me. Whatever she did, she probably thought she was protecting you. She is your mother. You have to let it go. Along with whatever goddamn guilt you have.”
I go to speak, but she cuts me off.
“No. I’m not done. We, meaning me, you, and this baby,” she places her hand—the same one she slapped me with—on her belly, “can’t move on together with unresolved bullshit between us. I don’t get your guilt and I know you’re keeping something from me, so if you want this, us, then you need to start by mending yourself.”
With that, she passes me and walks to the door.
“Shannon,” I call out, but she ignores me.
After a few minutes of standing here not know what to do, I walk back out. When I enter the living room, my mother is seated on the couch with one of the little rat dogs we have somehow acquired.
She looks up when she realizes someone else is in the room with her.
“Hi,” she speaks first. I walk over and take a seat next to her, placing my palms on top of my knees.
“Mom,” I say but stop because I don’t know what else to say.
“I’m sorry, Nicholas. I know you are angry with me and I suppose you have every right to be.”
“I am angry with you, and I don’t know how not to be.”
“I too don’t know how to get you to understand why I chose to stay silent.”
I breathe out one slow exhale, knowing this is about to lead to nowhere, but then she changes the subject.
“Why didn’t you tell me she was pregnant? That I’m going to be a grandmother.”
“I’ve only known for about a month I guess, Mother, and it’s not like the two of us have been speaking much lately.” Yeah, I had to bring the topic back. Shannon wants me to get over it, but I don’t think it is possible. Shannon doesn’t know what happened. She doesn’t know my mother’s part in it. I’m not saying my mom is a horrible person. I know she was one of his victims, one of his toys, but she did make the wrong decision in staying silent.
Silence gets no one anywhere. Silence only enables a problem. And as I think this, I know I have to tell Shannon everything. Everything I never wanted her to know.
“Nicholas, my son.”
“Mom, stop. Look, I am mad and that’s not going to change tonight or tomorrow. I love you. I do and always will. But this, us, our relationship is going to take time to fix. Okay?”
“I know, son, and I am sorry. I really never wanted to hurt you or her. She does seem like a lovely girl.”
I lean over and pull my mother’s head to my lips, leaving a gentle kiss on her temple, reassuring her I mean what I say and that I love her.
“Thank you, Nicholas.”
“Yeah.” I push off the couch and stand, looking around for Shannon, but as I look out the back, I don’t see her.
“I’ll go and leave you to your friends.”
“No.” I stop and look down at her. “Shannon was right. You shouldn’t be alone and it’s a holiday. Stay and enjoy yourself. I’m sure Nikki is out back, and I’m sure there is food around here somewhere.”
“Are you really okay with that, Nicholas?”
“Yes,” I state before turning and heading out the back myself. Looking around, I confirm Shannon isn’t out here.
“Teller,” I yell and Jase looks over at me before standing and walking over.
“Everything okay in there?” he asks as I see my mother come out. She locates my sister and walks over to her.
“Fine. Did you see where Shannon went?”
“Yeah, she looked upset and took off down the beach. I tried to go with her, but she pretty much told me to piss the fuck off and wanted to be alone, so I came back.”
“Thanks, man.”
I head in the direction of the beach. It’s late and growing dark. The sun went down hours ago, so it’s going to be tough finding her. I look in both directions but see nothing but the dark sapphire of the night and the only sound are waves crashing against the shore.
There is a pier close by she likes to go sit on, so I’m hoping that is where I might find her.
It only takes a few minutes to walk the distance. When my feet hit the wooden planks, I stop and look out. There is a figure sitting on the ground. I know it’s her so I walk toward the end where she is.
The water isn’t calm underneath the pier tonight. The water breaks against the pillars making loud crashing sounds. That’s about the way my gut feels at this very moment.
What will she think when I tell her?
Will she look at me in a different light? Probably.
Will she hate me and see the monster inside of me? I hope not.
When I reach the opening at the end, I clear my throat to let her know I’m here. She doesn’t move so I walk over next to her and stand here for a moment, looking out into the blackness of the sea.
“I’d like to be alone if you don’t mind.” Her tone is bitter.
“Actually, I do mind.” Perhaps I should have chosen different words. “I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you earlier.”
“Are you? Are you really sorry or are you just here to smooth things over with me, for now,” she adds.
“Yes I’m sorry, and when I say I’m sorry, I actually mean it.”
“Okay. You’re forgiven. Now can I be alone please?”
“No.” She looks up and gasps. “We need to talk. You said there was something I’m keeping from you. You’re right; there is.”
It’s now or never. Personally, I still wish for the never, but I can’t avoid this any longer. She needs to know. She deserves to know.
She turns and faces me.
“You asked me about my problem with Jeffery Chaney.” I pause and take a seat on the ground next to her, crossing my legs Indian style just as she is sitting. “It’s not my problem with him. It’s his with me. What I did actually, to his brother.”
I take a deep breath and exhale out in a gush of air. Shannon may love me now, but will she still love me when she finds out what I did to Daniel? That I’m responsible for what my father did to her? That I’m the reason she got raped?
I close my eyes and I’m silent for what feels like ages, but she doesn’t rush me. This can’t be rushed. Hell, if I could lock it up and never have to remember, that would suit me perfectly fine. But I’ve tried, and to this day, not a day goes by that I don’t think about that day, that moment I changed someone’s life forever. But it wasn’t just one person’s life; no it was two. I just didn’t know it then.
“After I moved out of my parents’ house after high school, I only went back for a holiday gathering or breakfast with my mother on my birthday,” I start out saying, but I know I’m only prolonging what I really have to tell her. Even this feels like an excuse and I hate people who only ever offer up an excuse for their mistakes, yet that’s what I doing. “The morning of my twenty-first birthday, I went over there. I had a fight later that morning so I arrived earlier than what would have been normal for me.”
Why didn’t I stop him sooner? I’ve asked myself that question over and over again and I still don’t have an answer.
“Go on, please.” I open my eyes, realizing I had stopped. Her words are meant to be encouraging, but no amount of encouragement will help me now.
“I knocked, but after a few minutes of no one coming to answer the door, I opened it and went inside. The house was quiet; at least, I thought it was, but before I could make my way to the kitchen, I heard a faint cry. I knew that cry. It was my mother. I grew up hearing that god-awful sound. I turned and ran up the steps to find her.”
I pause, sucking in another gush of air as I let the memory of that day filter back into my head. I’ve tried to forget, but that’s simply impossible to do.
Rushing up the stairs, taking two steps at a time I make it to the landing in seconds. I turn right heading in the direction of my parents’ bedroom. I will fucking kill that bastard. I swear it.
“Mom,” I call out as I push the door to their bedroom open. I freeze before I enter the bathroom as my mother looks up at me. A look of mortification passes through her eyes.
“Oh, God, Nicholas. What are you doing here so early?” She quickly looks down as she gathers her baby blue satin robe, closing the opening, but not before I take in her appearance from head to toe. Her knees are red and raw from what looks like carpet burns, a large bruise has formed on the outside of her left thigh, her nightgown is torn across the top. My mother’s blonde hair is falling out of a hair tie, as if someone had been pulling on the strands, and her face. Oh, God, her face is the worst part and why I’m in utter shock.
He’s never done damage to her face. Can’t let the whole world know the evil, sick monster inside of him. Her lip is bleeding on the right side of her mouth and her left eye is swollen shut. Her cheek just underneath is red and puffy.
My chest expands as my entire body heats from within. My vision becoming red with hate. Hate for my father, a man I am supposed to love and respect above anyone else.
How could he do this?
How could anyone do this to someone they claim to love?
But then, the truth is he doesn’t love her. He doesn’t love Nikki or me. He only loves himself.
“I…I was going to call you to reschedule. I never expe…I’m sorry, Nicholas. You shouldn’t be here. You shouldn’t see this,” she states as she stands. She’s apologizing. Always the one apologizing when it’s not her fault.
My heart stops. No words, no breath coming forward. To see my mother like this, it’s impossible to describe exactly what I’m feeling or thinking.
“Where is he?” It’s a simple question I find myself asking her before I even realize I have spoken it.
“No,” she states firmly as she walks to the sink. Looking at me through the mirror, her expression becomes one of seriousness. “You will stay away from your father today.”
“I can’t promise that, Mother.” My voice is relatively calm considering the need to hit something is steadily growing inside me. The beast I carry deep within is itching to come out and play. The beast my father created. He just doesn’t know it yet.
She grabs a washcloth and wets it. After wringing it out, she dabs her lips to remove the small amount of blood, but as soon as she wipes it away, more starts to form in its place.
“This has nothing to do with you, Nicholas. This is between your father and me. You will stay out of it because I am asking you to.” She places the rag down on the marble counter top and turns to face me. Her expression is one of sadness. She knows what she is doing. I love my mother and there is no one with the exception of Marcus, who I respect more than my own mother. I would do anything she asked of me. But this is too much. She has taken it too far.
