Always have always will, p.2
Always Have, Always Will, page 2
Immediately, I guide Caroline over to the edge of the room. “Can we talk?”
“Now isn’t the time. I don’t think it’ll be a short conversation.” Her voice cracks when she replies.
“We will talk today.”
She nods and walks away.
I have no idea what I did wrong, but I need to fix it. She has been a constant in my life since I was young. It can’t change now. She’s my best friend, confidant, and biggest supporter. Ever since our first day of boarding school, we’ve been inseparable. She attended college while I was in culinary school. We have a weekly dinner date and talk at least two or three times a day.
We join Billie and Peter outside for photos. Then we’re escorted inside to line up for introductions. I offer Caro my arm, which she reluctantly takes.
“You look beautiful,” I murmur near her ear.
“Thank you,” she pushes out softly. “You look pretty good yourself, all spiffed up. The last time I saw you in a tux was—”
“Senior prom, well a full tuxedo anyway. I skirt the rules at the galas.”
She laughs softly. The DJ announces our names, and we follow our instructions for some silly dance Billie created and step to the edge of the dance floor. Billie and Peter literally waltz around the hardwood. The sheer joy plastered on my sister’s face convinces me she’s truly happy.
Halfway through the song, the wedding party surrounds the bride and groom. We join the waltz and spin around the dance floor. Caro has been my date on more occasions than I can count. I’ve danced with her many times before. However, something is different today. I can’t pinpoint it, but the air around her is off.
“Will you come outside with me once we’re finished here?” I whisper near the shell of her ear. For the first time in all these years, I notice her physical reaction to me. I feel her shiver in my arms and wonder why.
“Yes.”
I’ve never wanted a song to end so fast in my life. Instead of leading Caro to the head table, I take her hand and lead her outside. Normally she would pull her hand away. Today she doesn’t. It’s the first time the softness of her hand is apparent to me.
“Caroline, please talk to me. What happened between us last night?”
She exhales sharply. “Do you remember anything from last night?”
“I remember you talking to me in the kitchen and you calling me out on not eating enough. You always take care of me. I recall getting into your rental. The next thing I recall is waking up at Cash’s this morning.”
Pain crosses her features, as if everything I said or did to her in my inebriated state flashes through her mind.
“You have never been unable to talk to me, Caroline.”
“We have had this conversation at least twice. I can’t keep doing it. Is there ever going to be a time when you’re willing to choose me?”
What the hell did I say to her last night? What the hell did I do? “You deserve everything I have. I don’t know if I can give it to you, at least not yet.”
“Will you ever be ready?” Her words come out soft, as if she’s terrified of how I’ll answer.
“I don’t know.” Once the words leave my lips, I lose the woman who means the most to me in this world.
She turns and starts to walk away from me.
“Don’t go,” I plead.
“There’s no reason for me to stay anymore.”
I reach for her hand, tugging her closer but not against me. The look on her face makes me believe I divulged my true feelings for her last night, feelings I’ve been fighting for at least the last three years. Hell, since I was too young to know what they meant.
Chapter Three
Caroline
When I agreed to talk to Auggie about last night, I didn’t think he would have absolutely no recollection of what occurred. He didn’t drink that much.
“We need to go back inside and pretend none of this happened for your sister and Peter.”
“I agree, but first tell me what I did to hurt you?” Auggie’s words are strained.
I exhale sharply and turn away from him. The heat of my hand in his is as electric as last night.
“Caroline, look at me please.”
I push out a breath to stop the tears from falling down my cheeks. I turn to face him.
The hitch in his breathing tells me he sees the tears threatening to fall.
“Hurt is the wrong word. You opened a door last night you decided should stay closed. You kissed me, and you told me you loved me.”
“I’m sorry,” Auggie mutters.
“For what?” There isn’t necessarily a response which will make me happy right now.
“I know you as well, if not better, than you know yourself. There’s only one topic we never discuss. Given your father’s behavior during your mother’s illness, you deserve fidelity. I may not have any other women in my life, but my focus is creating a life, not you.”
“You realize I only want you, right? I don’t need you to take care of me financially.” My family isn’t as wealthy as Auggie’s, but I can take care of myself with my trust fund and my earnings. Truthfully, I only use my earnings.
“Yes. I’ve always known.”
“I need some time. Our kiss may not have been the first kiss I envisioned in my head, but it happened nonetheless.” Those first few words are some of the hardest I’ve ever said to him.
“What can I do?” His words are barely audible, his voice strained too.
“Give me time. For now, I need to pretend you didn’t tease me with the potential of us as a couple. When we get home tomorrow, I need to be away from you for a little bit. If you aren’t ready, I need space to handle all the feelings you stirred up, albeit unintentionally.”
“How long will it take?”
“I don’t know.” I attempt to take a step back toward the hotel.
His fingers tighten around mine. “I don’t know how to get through a day without you.”
“Neither do I, but—”
“I didn’t intend to hurt you. It’s the last thing I would ever do.”
“I know, and that makes this even harder for me. Decide what you want, Auggie. If choosing me will never be the answer, you need to figure that out and let me go.” This time when I take a step, his fingers caress mine as they slide out of his hold.
I scan the hotel in my head to find the most private bathroom and walk with purpose directly there, but my attempt to compose myself in private is thwarted by Noelle and Savannah who are leaving the bathroom.
“There you are,” Noelle says as they approach, her hand resting atop her baby bump.
“Whoa, what did he do?” Savannah reacts to my likely puffy cheeks and red eyes.
Holding back the tears outside took more inner strength than I thought I possessed. I consider spilling my guts to my best friend’s sisters-in-law but hesitate.
“I knew you were lying this morning,” Savannah declares before both follow me into the restroom.
“Preferably, I would’ve made it home before having a discussion with Auggie too. I appreciate both of you and your concern, but you’re his family. I won’t make you choose between us. We have been dancing around each other for years. He closed the door on us being a couple two years ago. Last night he let a glimmer of light in. He needs to decide what he wants. If Auggie wants to be more than my best friend, he needs to choose me. If he’s content he can only handle a relationship with me or chasing his dreams, then that’s his choice.” Our kiss, though brief, was perfect despite what I shared with Auggie. It only made me want more. So much more. Too bad Auggie doesn’t remember it.
“You don’t have to share if you don’t want to, but I gather he knows some details about your relationship history or family life which makes him believe you need to be his sole focus,” Noelle observes.
“My father was unfaithful. It’s one thing I absolutely won’t tolerate. Auggie believes splitting his focus between our potential romantic relationship and chasing his restaurant can’t happen at the same time.”
“I can see his thought process, even though it’s misguided,” Savannah adds.
“Thanks for listening, ladies. I’m sure keeping this from Cash and Sam is impossible, but today is about Billie. I need to freshen up, and I’ll be right out.” After a hug from both, I take in my reflection. It isn’t as bad as I thought, but I need to control my emotions for the next two hours or so. With a deep breath to steel my nerves and my resolve, I reenter the ballroom in search of a glass of wine.
True to his word, Auggie gives me space for the rest of the reception until his siblings ambush us. The DJ calls the bride and groom to the dance floor. A staff member provides a chair for Billie to sit in. With a devilish grin, Peter slides his hands under her gown, searching for the garter. The crowd cheers him on. Next, a call for the single ladies to step onto the dance floor. Whether by design or whether it’s actually true, I find myself standing alone beside Billie and Peter. Billie hands me her bouquet, then hugs me tight. The DJ then specifically calls Auggie to join us as well.
Nervously I scan the room, waiting for him to appear. While well intentioned, the bride and groom have no idea what they’ve stepped into. Auggie winds his way through the crowd of mostly family and a few close friends to boisterous cheering.
I catch Auggie’s gaze. The look in his eyes is a mix of uncertainty and pain. I’m sure mine is similar. Plastering the biggest fake smile on my face I can muster, I take a seat.
“I’m sorry about this. I didn’t know,” Auggie whispers.
I turn so my lips are near his ear and only he can hear me. “It isn’t your fault.”
His family simply wants him to be happy, and they believe we can be happy together . With the garter in his hand, Auggie kneels on one knee before me. He takes my left foot in his hand, resting it against his thigh. Looping the garter around my shoe to a chorus of cheers from the crowd, his fingers skim my ankle. Inch by inch, he tugs the garter higher. The heat of his fingers on my skin is impossible to ignore. Asking for space was the hardest thing I’ve ever done despite my deep desire to find out what a purposeful kiss from August Morgan tastes like. Admitting I want more—even to myself—won’t make taking the space I asked for any easier. His fingers retreat down my leg, leaving heated tingles in their wake.
Auggie offers me his hand, and I take it more for our audience than myself. My head and my heart, especially my heart, is screaming for me to run from the room. Despite my tumultuous feelings, I won’t embarrass Auggie or his family. He pulls me into his arms, holding me tightly.
“I’m so sorry. I would never hurt you intentionally. I’ll find a way to give you what you deserve, Caroline.”
His breath on my skin teases my heart with exactly what I want from him.
“I know.” I lower my arms and step away. With Billie’s bouquet of lavender flowers in hand, I follow the pathway back outside and fall into one of the chairs near a lighted firepit. My gaze travels to the shining light of the Nubble. Hopefully the space I asked for will provide clarity—for both of us.
Chapter Four
Caroline
I knew Auggie was a huge part of my life when I asked for space. Now I realize, aside from work and my family, he was it. I say “family” loosely. My parents, Daniel and Phyllis Waterman, have been married for almost twenty-eight years. About twelve years ago, my mother was diagnosed with stage three breast cancer. She chose a vigorous course of treatment, including a double mastectomy. Her cancer hasn’t returned. During her treatment, my father had an extramarital affair with a woman from their country club named Lyla James. As if his infidelity wasn’t enough to deal with, Lyla got pregnant with my brother Cooper.
There’s no explanation which will make me forgive or forget my father’s actions. He didn’t honor his vows as he should have. However, my mother stuck by him and even prepared space for Cooper in our home. While my family spends time together, it isn’t often and it’s usually strained. My father is clear on my feelings about his infidelity, and my mother is equally clear on my opinion of her choice to stay with him. The only good thing is Cooper.
My little brother is a ball of energy, and spending time with him is filled with fun. I take him on adventures and spend time with him as much as I can.
It’s been two weeks since Billie’s wedding. Initially, Auggie’s texts came as if I didn’t ask for time. It was as if nothing had changed.
Auggie: How was school today?
Auggie: Service tonight was terrible.
Auggie: What time for dinner on Thursday?
When I didn’t respond or maintain our standing dinner date, the texts decreased significantly but turn more heart-wrenching.
Auggie: I miss you.
Auggie: I miss us.
Auggie: I need to know you’re okay, even if you need space.
The last text from this morning got to me. I’ve typed a reply at least five times but can’t bring myself to press send. I trudge to the subway for the short ride to work with a huge coffee in hand.
I’m a teacher at Pinecrest Academy. It’s a private school with a small student body. Our students are the who’s who of New York elite. As such their privacy is diligently protected.
“Miss Waterman, Miss Waterman, I need to use the restroom right now!”
I didn’t even make it to my classroom. “The school day hasn’t started yet, Miss Spellman. You can go on your own.”
“Thank you.” She takes off running.
I toss my tote onto my desk and stash my lunch in the mini fridge in my classroom. Lately the students have been off the wall. They’re itching for spring break. Normally I would be too, but my plans evaporated when I demanded space from Auggie. Normally, we would plan things to do when he’s off, and when he isn’t, I would catch up on my pleasure reading and sunbathing.
Less than five minutes later, fifteen children filter into their seats, expecting me to teach them. I’m not sure if I’m worthy of their confidence when I can’t even handle my own life.
That isn’t true.
I want something I can’t have.
Not the truth either.
I don’t know how much longer I’m willing to wait. Perhaps a date or two will help. The issue is I haven’t been on a date in years. I push the thought out of my mind and focus on today’s English lesson about sentence structure and editing an essay properly.
The remainder of my day passes quickly, and I spend my early evening scanning my phone for single guys who might be willing to go on a date with me. After coming up empty, I toss my phone on the couch and prepare some dinner, macaroni and cheese. Auggie’s recipe, of course it is. Everywhere I turn, there is a reminder of him: the key to his townhouse, his hoodie hanging in my front closet, and even his clothes in one of my drawers.
After eating my fill of macaroni and cheese which wasn’t nearly as tasty as if Auggie prepared it, I open a dating app and start creating a profile. It’s harder than it appears. Every question asks something Auggie already knows. I push down the tears and delete my half-complete profile.
My townhouse is overly large for only me, but I love it. The kitchen was updated right before I moved in and includes stainless appliances with granite countertops. The waterfall edge island is my favorite feature. The living room is large and boasts a comfortable couch and two armchairs. I set up a reading area near the fireplace as well.
The acid in my stomach churns when I remember covering Auggie in that chair with his nose in a cookbook a few years back. It was the first time he fell asleep here. My bedroom is decorated in muted tones of teal and gray. One of the remaining bedrooms functions as an office, and the third I use as a workout space. That’s its intended use anyway. I have a treadmill and a television in there, nothing else.
My phone rings and chimes with a few incoming texts.
“Hi, Nana. How are you?”
“I’m well. How is my favorite granddaughter?”
“Nana, I’m your only granddaughter.” Somehow I’m the only female of my generation in the Waterman family. “I’m honestly miserable, but it was my choice and I have to own it.”
“You shared your feelings with August after all these years.”
“Sort of. He unintentionally shared his, and I called him on it. He isn’t ready to be with me and chase his dream. So now, I’m single and missing my lifelong best friend.”
“I see. What’s your plan?”
“Honestly, I miss him so much it hurts. My plan was to attempt to put my feelings back into a box and go back to the way it was before. So far, I haven’t been able to do it.”
“How long has it been?”
“A few weeks.”
“Take some advice from an old woman who married her best friend and misses him each day. I’m sure Auggie misses you too. He’s a guy. Eventually, he’ll figure out how to get out of his own way.”
“Thanks, Nana. I love you.”
“You’re welcome, Caroline. I love you too. Have a good night.”
“You too.”
I end the call and scroll through the texts. Of course the first one is from Auggie and twists my stomach up even more.
Auggie: I miss your smile.
My heart squeezes. I keep asking myself what it’ll take to bottle up my feelings again. At this point, I haven’t made any progress, which is supremely unfortunate.
Billie: Hey there!
Me: Hi. How was your honeymoon, Mrs. Harpin?
Billie: It was wonderful. What happened with Auggie?
Me: It’s complicated, Billie. Can I call you?
My phone rings in my hand. She beats me to it.
“Hi, Billie.”
“Hi, Caro. What stupid move did my brother make?”
“He didn’t do anything wrong exactly.”
“I’m confused.”
So am I. “After your rehearsal, I drove him to Cash’s because he drank and didn’t eat enough.” I consider not sharing with Billie, but I need to talk to someone. “He kissed me and told me he loved me.”
