Authentically izzy, p.2
Authentically, Izzy, page 2
Izzy
From: Penelope Edgewood
To: Izzy Edgewood
Date: February 20
Subject: Re: Hobbits and Heart-to-Heart
Izzy,
Who is Faramir? Is he the audiologist Josephine wants you to meet? What an unusual name. Is it Indian? And why in the world would you think he has hairy feet? That’s just gross.
Oh dear, why are you always talking about that book series? Can’t you become obsessed with another type of ring to change your real world instead of a fantasy one? (Though, I am a big proponent of imagination. And imaginary worlds, as you well know. Just recall my excellent part as Dorothy Gale in sixth grade. If I hadn’t tripped over the Cowardly Lion’s tail, it would have been a perfect performance.)
But I am proud of you for messaging the guy back. Maybe he’ll be nice, at the very least. Maybe online is a perfect way for you to meet Mr. Right. You’ve always been excellent with writing and reading words, even if you don’t necessarily like speaking them as often.
Penelope
PS: Make sure he’s not married, but his height really shouldn’t matter, Izzy.
* * *
Heart-to-Heart
Date: February 20
Brodie the Hobbit,
Faramir is still as valiant as ever, but we’ve decided to take a step back from our relationship to ensure our mutual affection isn’t due to the natural camaraderie of suffering joint loss and trauma after the Battle of the Pelennor Fields.
Samwise is one of my favorite characters too. No greater friend, which is why my dog shares my favorite hobbit’s name. There are definite perks to being a hobbit. No one judges you if you eat heartily, get lost in a good book, or enjoy solitude with an excellent cup of tea. There’s a lot to be said for a hobbit’s life.
Éowyn-for-now
PS: Though adventures are highly suspicious, I prefer the literary variety, so perhaps I won’t be too suspicious a friend for a hobbit.
From: Izzy Edgewood
To: Penelope Edgewood
Date: February 21
Subject: Lord of the Rings clarification
Penelope,
Please tell me you’re teasing about Faramir. I just can’t believe you don’t know who he is. I lived with you from the time I was twelve until I was nineteen and still you don’t know who Faramir is? I’m going to choose to believe you’re joking.
And I may not be an expert at romantic relationships, but I feel asking Brodie the Hobbit about his marital status on our very first communication might send the wrong message. Besides, I don’t expect him to respond to me. Good men are usually snatched up too quickly, or that’s what Josie says. And, as we all know, I’ve had my fair share of not-so-good men, so I’m not the best judge. Anyway, he likely found my profile picture intriguing and made a spontaneous comment. Either that, or he’s Josie in disguise and I plan to make her reveal herself.
Speaking of Josie, the date she’s set up for me is with an audiologist named Steve. I know nothing else about him, except that he’s allergic to peanuts and prefers to meet at the restaurant instead of picking me up at my apartment.
When is the next time you’ll be home from school? I’d like to pick your brain about the online classes program at your college. I’ve felt so unsettled for a while now, you know? Where do I fit? I’m not even sure. What does a woman who adores books, tolerates small groups of people, and has a magical love for bringing together the right people and the right books do with her life? There’s not really a job description for “book pusher,” and even if there was, it sounds like a profession where one might get arrested. If stepping through magical, fictional wardrobes was an occupation, I’d likely volunteer, just to have a chance to see the Professor’s library. And then there’s my recurring daydream of owning a manor house on a cliff by the sea, but since I don’t fly and rarely travel, the ceramic replica of one I have sitting on my bookshelf will have to do. I’ve placed it right beside Jane Eyre, The Secret Garden, and Dracula, among a few others of my favorites that feature grand and mysterious houses.
Speaking of daydreams, I think it’s past time for me to think about my future besides just working at the library—though it’s still one of my favorite places because I can travel to hundreds of worlds without leaving my chair. Plus, Aunt Louisa makes the best coffee and it’s served all day long.
What are men to coffee and books!
Love,
Izzy
PS: Do you remember who Samwise is?
PPS: I’ve researched opening a bookshop, but that requires math.
PPPS: Oh, and apparently Steve has a very fine nose.
* * *
Heart-to-Heart
Date: February 21
Éowyn-for-now,
I’m glad to hear you’re taking things carefully with Faramir since, as you stated, you both have suffered such trauma. Fighting orcs and Nazgûl is one thing, but suffering under such a father as Faramir’s is quite another, poor man. Perhaps it would be wise to test the waters with someone who’s had a healthier family dynamic?
Samwise is a great example of friendship and the perfect name for a dog. My dog, Gandalf, passed away last year, and for a little while I had hopes he’d “rise from the dead” as his namesake had. I don’t think I’ve ever had such an excellent dog. Perhaps my new puppy, Argos, will live up to his predecessor, but for now he seems more interested in destroying every pair of shoes I own and unrolling the toilet paper at the speed of light.
Yes, a hobbit’s life is a superior one, made all the better by the camaraderie of a good friend, an excellent pipe, and an occasional adventure now and again, literary variety or not.
What do you and Samwise enjoy doing together?
Brodie the Hobbit
From: Penelope Edgewood
To: Izzy Edgewood
Date: February 21
Subject: Re: Lord of the Rings clarification
Izzy,
Of COURSE I remember who Samwise is.
He’s your dog.
Penelope
From: Izzy Edgewood
To: Penelope Edgewood
Date: February 21
Subject: Brodie the Hobbit
Penelope,
The Lord of the Rings movie series should arrive at your college address by tomorrow. Clearly, you’ve gone too long without seeing it. I am certain you can find almost any answer for life within the wonders of this story:
Should I stay home tonight and read a book? “All’s well that ends better.”
Why can’t you look Great-grandmother Eloise in the eyes? “The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places.”
Should I climb to the summit of Sugarloaf Mountain? “I’ll get there, if I leave everything but my bones behind.”
If Beans & Things only has one chocolate croissant left and you’re third in line? “There’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.”
How can I best prepare for Christmas at Grandma Edgewood’s? “We come to it at last, the great battle of our time.”
Should I read one more chapter, even though it’s past midnight? “A day may come when the courage of men fails . . . but it is not this day.”
You see how well they work?
AND . . . Samwise is only the very best hobbit in Middle-earth . . . or any other earth, if you ask me.
In other news Brodie the Hobbit seems to be a legit sort of fellow. Maybe. Who can really tell? We’re online, so anyone could be anything. Just check your spam folder as a reminder of how many people with unpronounceable names have financially needy nieces that only you can save with your blind faith of offering money.
Anyway, Brodie named his new puppy Argos. Isn’t that wonderful? I’m dying to know what his favorite books are, but I feel that may be a little too personal a question to ask this soon in our conversation. Books are intimate things.
However, if he’s Josie in disguise, I’ll catch his blunder fairly quickly. Her favorite books have recipes or cowboys in them.
I wonder what his profession is?
My date with Steve the Audiologist is tonight. Josie has warned me not to talk about books or sea urchins. She’s afraid I’ll bore him with my talk of books (of course) and, apparently, Steve had a fairly traumatic experience with a family of sea urchins at the beach last year and now walks with a limp as a result.
Did you know our library has an entire section on sea urchins? Fascinating creatures, really.
Love,
Izzy
PS: If Brodie the Hobbit isn’t Josie in disguise, I think he must be a writer.
From: Penelope Edgewood
To: Izzy Edgewood
Date: February 21
Subject: Sea monsters
Izzy,
Please don’t talk about sea urchins. They always remind me of that creature I saw under the water when we went to the beach when I was six. I know you don’t believe me, but I am sure it was a sea monster yet to be discovered. That’s the real reason why I eat seafood with such ferocity.
Penelope
PS: Is The Lord of the Rings a musical? I think I would remember it better if it was.
PPS: Maybe meeting a man online or through Josie will turn out better than . . . previous relationships for you. One of my professors says, “Sometimes we can’t see the cannoli for the cream.” Wait, maybe he was talking about a marketing strategy, but you get the point.
* * *
Heart-to-Heart
Date: February 21
Brodie the Hobbit,
I am so sorry about Gandalf. Did you have him for a long time? If any animal should have the power to resurrect, I think it should be a faithful dog. They’re such wonderful companions and the very best listeners in the world.
I’ve had Samwise for five years and despite having a propensity for pouting on occasion, he’s the finest creature on earth. And much like his namesake, he enjoys digging. Often. And with great zeal.
Training a puppy is definitely an adventure I don't care to repeat for a long time. If Argos is as fast and clever as his mythical namesake, he’ll learn that shoes are meant for wearing and toilet paper, though a fun toy, is meant for human uses. Samwise treated the legs of tables and chairs as teethers and ended up wearing my curtains more times than I care to admit, though, I must say, with his golden fur he looked excellent in pale blue.
Curtains are superfluous though, I suppose. I prefer as much natural light as possible and the view from my front window is worth seeing, once you look beyond the dilapidated furniture shop across the street and the train tracks. Someday, I’ll move just beyond town where the mountains show from every window. They’re blue-tinted mountains here, not lush and green like the Shire, but still lovely in their own way. I think I’d find complete contentment in a world of mountains and seas and fresh air and books . . . oh, and coffee and tea, of course. Maybe it’s just because of mainstream bookshops nowadays, but I think there’s no smell quite so wonderful as the combination of books and coffee.
Or tea for afternoon and evening.
Izzy
PS: I have great aspirations of hiking to the very top of our largest mountain, but then I realize what sort of energy that entails and reach for a favorite book instead. I know it’s a pitiful substitute, but my legs are never sore afterward, and it’s much easier to drink a cup of tea while sitting.
From: Izzy Edgewood
To: Penelope Edgewood
Date: February 21
Subject: Word-vomit shame
Penelope,
I’m an idiot. That is why I don’t have a boyfriend. I just wrote a note to Brodie the Hobbit about dogs and toilet paper and the color blue looking excellent on Samwise. And I admitted that I would choose a book over hiking! Now I’m sure he thinks I’m a bookish simpleton. And probably lazy.
I need to stick to my books. They’re much safer to my self-esteem. If I hear back from him, I’ll know for certain he’s too desperate to be reasonable or too mentally inconsistent to be trusted. Now I just need to figure out how to disable my profile from this blasted Heart-to-Heart, right after I go on this date with Steve the Audiologist.
Izzy
PS: Maybe I should message Luke to see if he thinks talking to a man online about toilet paper and curtains is an unforgivable offense in a budding friendship. Luke has to be honest with me, doesn’t he? He’s family, after all.
PPS: And please don’t bring up he-who-left-me-at-the-altar (though typing his name would be much easier than using all the hyphens). Despite rumors, he did not end our engagement because of my disinterest in rock climbing or my inclination toward using book and movie quotes. If someone else has said something better, then why not use their words? It’s simple logic.
From: Penelope Edgewood
To: Izzy Edgewood
Date: February 21
Subject: Re: Word-vomit shame
Izzy, you do like quotes a lot. Sometimes I can’t tell when it’s you talking and when it’s some dead author whose name I can’t pronounce, but I just have accepted it’s how you like to communicate. You know? Like some weird literary code.
And once Chip broke up with you after Dad hired someone else as business manager, we all knew why he’d dated you for so long in the first place. Scoundrel. That’s what he was. I’m glad he’s gone, Izzy. For one thing, I was sure you were going to die on one of those rock climbing adventures, especially given your history with ropes, and two, he didn’t know your favorite color or book. That should tell you something about a fiancé for certain. Especially a fiancé for you.
I’ll write more later. Sandy needs me to help her get untangled from her twinkle lights again. I keep telling her to move them farther away from her bed, but she saw something on Pinterest she’s determined to replicate.
Maybe Steve the Audiologist will be the one for you. I “hear” he’s rich.
Penelope
PS: Luke says I’m not funny, but I can use puns just as well as he can.
From: Izzy Edgewood
To: Luke Edgewood
Date: February 21
Subject: Advice
Luke,
Do men find women who talk about toilet paper and curtains offensive or just ridiculous? And if they prefer books and tea over day-long hikes to the summits of mountains, is that an immediate turnoff?
Asking for a friend.
Izzy
Chapter 2
* * *
Heart-to-Heart
Date: February 22
Excellent choice of profile photo. I find that profile photos are a creative way to show personality. If you will notice, mine is of Sherlock Holmes, the renowned fictional detective. His precise extraction of information and unparalleled gifts of observation are two characteristics to which I can attest as personal proficiencies of my own. I feel certain you would find those talents attractive, as most women should, but I rarely have the opportunity of encountering like-minded partners. Most have limited knowledge of the more important things in life and others offer too simplistic conversations for my taste. If you wish for further knowledge about my many interests, I could send you several essays I wrote on the subject. One is entitled “Why Modern Women Are Intimidated by Intelligent Men” and another is “The Unfortunate Plight of the Great Romantic Men of the Contemporary Age.” Both speak to the difficulties men, like myself, encounter while searching for mates who are not intimidated by their superiorities. I look forward to your ready response.
Doyle’s protégé
* * *
Heart-to-Heart
Date: February 22
Doyle’s protégé,
I believe you’ve hit upon the very reason why Sherlock Holmes remained single throughout the entire course of his fictional life. Have you happened to read Pride and Prejudice? There is a character in the novel named Mr. Collins of whom you may find some particular interest . . . and similarity of mind. Also, I feel quite certain I do not have the skill set I need to pursue a future with someone of your caliber. I hope you find the eighteenth-century female of your dreams.
Izzy
From: Josephine Martin
To: Izzy Edgewood
Date: February 22
Subject: Steve
Izzy,
How did the date with Steve go? I tried calling you last night but you never answered, so I had high hopes it was because you were still out enjoying your time with him. Patrick says he’s an excellent golfer and enjoys collecting books. If you can find anything in common, Izzy, you should pursue him. He’s financially stable, has never been married, isn’t in debt, and goes to church. Men like him are in high demand and short supply.
And he doesn’t like to fly either. He’s perfect for you!
You need to consider the truth of the matter. Time is not on your side.
Love,
Josephine
PS: I feel certain you can overlook his overuse of the word amplification. Everyone has their unique peculiarities. You, of all people, should appreciate that.
From: Luke Edgewood
To: Izzy Edgewood
Date: February 22
Subject: Re: Advice
I feel you need to clarify the context for me to give an honest answer for “your friend.” Is this the same friend who locked herself out of the library during circle time with the entire second grade class from Falls Springs Elementary?
Luke
From: Penelope Edgewood
To: Izzy Edgewood
Date: February 23
Subject: Re: Word-vomit shame
Izzy,
I just reread your last note.
What kind of name is Argos? Did you spell that correctly?
Why does it matter if you’re ridiculous? It’s an online relationship. This is one of those times where you can be authentically yourself and not worry about how it comes across. In fact, it sounds like the perfect way to start the possibility of a lifelong romance.
