Catnapped, p.18
Catnapped, page 18
“We are more after your virginity and mortality rather than you,” Gabriel replied. “More specifically, we are doing our best to rid you of both of those things, which do not serve you well at this point in time.”
“One of those things is easier to address than the other.” Darian sighed. “I’m not sure what I did to deserve this, however.”
“You were born.”
Despite everything, I laughed. “This is why I like the divine so much. They’re so disgustingly honest most of the time, and they really don’t care if they hurt your feelings. If you can’t handle the truth, you shouldn’t give them any openings to tell it to you. In the hands of a divine, the truth is a truly dangerous weapon.”
The archangel shrugged, and I got the feeling he smiled. “Most humans are inclined to become offended when the truth is presented to them. You are exceptional in your drive to acquire the truth. But you have toyed with things beyond your control. As such, you must take great care with yourself before you see something that has irrevocable consequences. My nephew, lacking clothes, for example, would have irrevocable consequences.”
I raised a hand and rubbed at my temple. “Anything else you’d like to get off your chest, Gabriel?”
“I can recommend two humans who would be happy to pretend they are dating you both for a chance to watch my brother and his partners have a rather delightful meltdown as they try to make certain you date each other rather than the humans I would invite to play the game. Of course, Belial would catch on quickly, but my brother is sometimes more dense than the average rock.”
“Are we discussing pumice or granite? There’s a pretty significant difference in the average density of rocks, Gabriel.”
The archangel sighed. “Closer to granite. I forgot pumice existed, as most rocks are rather dense.”
“How dare those volcanoes ruin your metaphor,” I replied, careful to keep my expression and tone neutral.
“Please take her off and charm her ruthlessly, Darian. This would simplify matters and force my brother’s hand into motion faster.”
Darian snorted. “I see. As I’m your nephew, and you can’t meddle as much as you would like, you’re assisting Lucifer, who can meddle. And since I’m your relative, Diana got dragged into this because you think, probably due to her overwhelming competence, she’s worthy of being part of the family.”
“You would be correct.”
“Don’t we get a say?”
“I am a telepath,” Gabriel reminded his nephew.
Darian sighed. “I’m just going to apologize now, Diana. I’m sorry.”
While I remained inexperienced due to personal choice, having a busy life, and otherwise spending my time creating trouble for myself, I did not need any guidance to figure out Darian had been enjoying some impure thoughts aimed in my general direction. “You should have heard when I was trying to mentally scold Lucifer for daring to bring a tall, dark, and handsome to my house after my cat went missing. That’s just rude. If you can accept that I’m going to be staring at your physical attributes when I don’t think you’re looking, I think it’s fair for me to accept that you might be staring at my physical attributes.” I pointed at my chest. “Just wait a week or two before you admire these. Right now, they just hurt, the bandage look isn’t a good one on me, and I would prefer to wait for encouraged judgment until I’m able to wear a good bra. If you’re lucky, I might even allow you to admire said bra. It seems a decent selection of them were rescued from my house. I wonder why that might be?”
“I couldn’t possibly tell you that,” Darian lied, and the corners of his mouth twitched.
Gabriel sighed. “I thought you would like to know she speaks the truth.”
Darian gave up trying to hide his grin. “Do you ever give Lucifer a break?”
“No. Why should I?”
Darian stared at the archangel rather intently, and I wondered what he was trying to communicate with his uncle.
A moment later, Gabriel laughed. “While I can understand the general attractiveness of such a thing, a permanent relationship should be founded on more than a woman’s willingness to tell my brother no.”
“But why?” Darian asked.
“Goodness. It amazes me I have so many brothers and sisters who deliberately seek out a human and some demon or devil so they can have children. Then, for reasons I cannot understand, they insist on teaching them that word and how to use it in question format.”
“You have to admit my mother is pretty amazing.”
“You are a biased child.”
“Well, yes. If my mother finds out I didn’t say good things about her to the in-laws, she’d find some way to make me pay for it later. I’m already guilty of being independent. I don’t want to be guilty of hurting her feelings on top of my daring to be more independent than she would prefer. She does not like when the nest is empty. How about this as a thought. I will bargain with you to ask Diana on a single date after we have recovered her cat and have handled this matter. It’s not my problem if she says no, but you meddlers, in exchange, have to not bother us about it until after her cat is home with her. The faster we recover her cat, the sooner you’ll be able to start meddling again. Remember: it’s not my problem if she says no.”
The archangel took his time thinking it over. “Very well. I will inform my family of my bargain with you, but I cannot control their actions, nor will I bargain on their behalf. I, however, will not meddle with you, and I will recommend they delay their meddling until after Diana’s cat has been recovered.”
“That’s fair. Bargain made. Now, we need to go take these kittens to a vet.”
“I could handle that matter for you. It would speed your efforts on recovering Diana’s cat, and this is a small matter. I will make sure they have excellent care, and I will begin the work on finding all but the mother cat and the young calico permanent homes suiting their natures. Then you would not worry. More accurately, she would not worry. She has transformed worrying into an art, although it would be prudent of her to learn to worry a little more about herself rather than the fate of others.”
“The cats didn’t ask to be experimented on in a lab. Somebody has to make up for what horrible people did to them,” I muttered.
“My brother will learn to rue and lament he is inviting you into his many hells for a permanent stay. You will not change your colors, not even with power available to you. Oh, no. I expect you will corrupt my brother’s residence with your philanthropic ways. This is not a bad thing, as it will help streamline the reform of the…”
I grinned at the archangel’s hesitance to call the sinners by Darlene’s preferred moniker. “Fucking assholes,” I supplied.
“Yes. Them.”
“If they had done a little better at being decent beings in life, they wouldn’t be in residence. They only have themselves to blame for their fate. Admittance into Lucifer’s care has nothing to do with belief. That’s just something the so-called believers concocted to make themselves sleep better at night. No matter what faith or lack thereof, souls have three destinations.”
Darian went to work checking over the SUV and making sure everything was packed away. “Only three?”
“Heaven, Lucifer’s dungeons, or in limbo waiting for a chance to go back to Earth as a new soul. Purgatory. The listless beyond—whatever you want to call it when the soul sleeps. Those who don’t believe in any form of heaven but have not earned their way into Lucifer’s care just rest.” I glanced in Gabriel’s direction before helping Darian with his task, setting out everything for the cats so they could be cared for properly until I could claim them. “That’s mostly right, isn’t it?”
“For your purposes, you are correct. We do not intentionally bring harm to souls who have done good but have no belief in any religion’s heaven. But the lack of belief does not spare the sinners from meeting my brother in his full glory. The balance must be kept.”
“I always wondered about the souls who sleep,” I admitted.
“They are neither here nor there, and their existence as seeds is enough to maintain the balance. I am sure my brother negotiates with Him for the seed that will become your future. He would want a pristine one for you. That means there’ll be yet another baby angel running around the heavens creating trouble, a situation He enjoys, for Darlene inevitably comes to visit—and steal—the little one for a while. The balance is best served this way, and no matter what humanity believes, neither He nor my brother wish for life to end.”
The book I’d recovered had reinforced that ideal enough times I believed it. “It must remain an ever-present risk, as the universe did not intend anything to be eternal, not even Him.”
“Yes. Even He was born from a seed.”
“Is it bad of me I’m picking the calico because she’s cute?”
“No. You meant to take home but one cat, your own, but you are opening your home to two others, knowing you cannot take them all for the sake of your sanity. And yes, you would struggle to take care of so many cats. Three cats will be a challenge for you, but one that will make you happy. With no other criteria for you to choose from, selecting the feline that you feel is cute is perfectly acceptable. You would love any of these kittens equally. The kitten you have chosen will love you without condition, and she will be friendly company with her mother and your cat. Of course, we will help with that. You will find transitioning your new pets into your home a simple matter.”
After working with the Devil for so long, I recognized when a divine wished to strike a bargain with me. “What is that going to cost me?”
“It would be a safe assumption I would request you accept going on a date with my nephew.”
Tricky archangel. “You are so lucky I love my cat, Darian.”
“How is this my fault?”
“You’re the one who suggested we go on a date to placate the nosy archangel.”
“That’s a good point. Gabriel, thank you, but please go before I get into even more trouble.”
“I will come pay a visit to check on Diana’s health when you sleep tonight. Should I have to do anything other than check, I shall wake you—or not, depending on how stealthily I can do my work.” The archangel laughed, bowed, and disappeared. A moment later, the cats vanished as well, and all of their supplies went with them.
“The ‘vet’ will be in the heavens, those animals will be spoiled rotten within ten minutes, and He is going to be overwhelmed with angels wanting cats,” Darian predicted. “Then the kittens will find their way into homes of those who need them the most on the mortal coil. As for you, he’ll sneak in while shrouded, he likely already had a look at you, and wants to do some minor workings without worrying you about it. Cancer can be tricky even for the divines, or so I’ve been told. I don’t think it’s anything serious, as he would tell you. Mostly, I bet he wants to go play with the kittens in the high heavens for a while, and He will enjoy that.”
“Why would you come to that conclusion?”
“So many reasons, so little time. Mostly, He hates when He can’t do anything to ease the suffering of mortals who deserve better than what life has given them. Or so says my father. It doesn’t hurt He loves cats. He loves most animals, but there is a reason Darlene was not a canine of some sort.”
Huh. Darian was a veritable fountain of wisdom when it came to the divine, something I would need to pursue later to augment my future role as Lucifer’s secretary—assuming he talked me into doing the work. “I thought that was because the Devil needs someone who’ll tell him no rather than tell him yes all of the time. Dogs tend to have a reputation of being obedient.”
“That, too, but canines aren’t relentlessly obedient. Well, they can be.” Darian grimaced. “Okay, they definitely can be, at least domesticated ones. Even in the wild, most canines follow a set pack structure. He wouldn’t have wanted Darlene to fall prey to that. So, she’s a cat.”
“How do you even know that?”
“Dad. He was around when Darlene charmed Lucifer, so he tells stories about them all the time. He created her specifically for Lucifer, and Dad never fails to be amused about how He totally goosed everyone. Darlene had charmed Gabriel and Michael from first blasphemy, too.” Darian closed the doors of the SUV after one final check to make sure we’d gathered everything. “Personally, I think He is still up to something.”
“Why?”
“Lucifer? Get married?” Scoffing, he got behind the wheel of the SUV, holding his hands out for the keys, which I gave him. “Those two are going to have a flock of children, because He is a family man… except Lucifer is infertile as a consequence of his fall. But he now has Kanika, and I do not see their family stopping with just her. What I don’t know is how He is going to fling additional children their way. Darlene loves children almost as much as Lucifer does. I remember him being around when I was little. Dad would have him babysit when Mom and Father weren’t paying attention.”
I’d pegged the Devil as a family man within sixty seconds of seeing him with Kanika. The only being he loved more was his wife. If I hadn’t known better, I would’ve assumed Lucifer was a being of love rather than the ruler of the universe’s many hells and reformer of damned souls. “I’m placing bets on abandoned children finding their way to Lucifer’s house and becoming spoiled.” I circled around the SUV and claimed the passenger seat, pushing the seat back so I could fully stretch my legs. “You’re taller than me. Why didn’t you fix this while I was driving?”
Darian laughed. “I would’ve taken a nap if I got too comfortable, and that probably would have cut off my trail, and then I would’ve gotten into a great deal more trouble than I’m already in.”
“Didn’t your fathers teach you that you shouldn’t bargain with divine entities, especially when it involves your love life?”
“If they had, I forgot.”
I buckled my seatbelt. “I am becoming increasingly more concerned over their interest in us teaming up.”
“If it makes you feel better, it’s probably not because of us, but because of any children we’d probably have. The divines play the long game. But, in your case, having an efficient secretary would free Lucifer up for a lot of other things—like reforming souls. Time is not infinite, and it’s fairly difficult to maintain the balance. He’s probably stretched thin. If they saw a future where I make you happy, and you work better when happy, they’d pursue that future. But probably, we’d have kids, and those kids could be useful for some plan or another. That’s doubly the case if you like children.”
“I have no idea if I like children. I hate when people ask me when I’m having children, though. It’s so damned rude. How is it any of their business if I reproduce or not?”
“I tried telling that to my parents once. Mom faked a tear, and both of my fathers gave me a dose of the eye. Getting the eye from an archangel is pretty disconcerting, Diana. I had to swear I’d consider, if I found the right woman, that I might have children.”
“The last time my parents asked, I inquired if they wanted me to have one out of wedlock, if I could pick up some prostitute to handle the deed, and if they’d like to reevaluate their stance,” I admitted. “This is part of why I don’t have a great relationship with my parents.”
“You don’t have a great relationship with your parents because they tried to drown you as a child.”
“I’m not sure I’d count an unwanted baptism as an attempted drowning.”
“I do. But then again, my fathers and my mother made sure to teach me that I was under no obligation to participate in any religion unless I genuinely wanted to, and they made sure to go over most major religious celebrations each year. I was not required to participate in any of them unless I wanted to. Honestly, I’ve tried telling them it’s pretty hard to deny the existence of things like devils, demons, and angels when I happen to live in the same house with them. I’m not even sure how your parents can deny like they do when the evidence is right there in front of them.”
“Except it isn’t right there in front of them. Neither have seen an angel. They have convinced themselves that the demons running around are people corrupted by the limited magic there is. Lycanthropes they have an easy time with. They’re diseased, and they understand diseases.”
“Except it’s a magical, incurable disease.”
“I tried to lick a lycanthrope once. I was pretty young, she was a tiger, and I would’ve given just about anything to be a tiger, too.”
“How did you get close enough to a tiger to lick her?”
“My parents took their eyes off me for like half a second.” I giggled at the memory. “Maybe that’s why I rescued a cat instead of a dog. That tiger was absolutely magnificent. Mr. Flooferson is obviously an oddly colored miniature tiger.”
“Can I revise my opinion about wanting children? I’m now utterly terrified and no longer convinced I can keep a child alive.” He hesitated. “Or free of disease or injury.”
“I would not have minded becoming a tiger, Darian. I don’t know if she had the hybrid form or not, but she was magnificent. If my mother hadn’t sworn I’d earn a quick trip to hell, I probably would have started licking lycanthropes with frightening frequency.”
“I’m trying to figure out why you thought licking lycanthropes would give you the virus. Also, I’m highly disturbed that your mother used a blatant fear tactic on you as a child.”
“Honestly, the threat didn’t scare me, but it was pretty effective on other kids in the church. I was too fascinated with magic and everything it represented. As for licking lycanthropes, that’s simple. I was homeschooled. My parents opted against education of magical species using a religious exception. Let’s just say high school, where they sent me to public school, was quite the eye opener.”
“How did you rate going into public school?”
“My math was ahead of the curve. My science was so far behind the curve it was laughable at best. I scored well in English. I took foreign languages because they interested me. My history was so-so, but it turns out my parents tried to erase some important facts from my education. Honestly, they’re probably the reason I started researching forbidden lore. Once I learned how much they’d skipped out on because of their religious beliefs, I began doing my best to educate myself. It took me two years to get caught up, but I emerged triumphant by the end. I had a perfect GPA in my senior year.”
