Catnapped, p.26
Catnapped, page 26
“Becoming the subject of human experimentation does tend to offer a certain amount of leniency when it comes to self-defense,” Mr. Thernin agreed, and he heaved a sigh. “And you are certain about her lycanthropy infection status prior to this conversion? And that it was a result of this group that intended to experiment on her?”
“You can have the word of an archangel about that truth,” Lucifer stated. “Some things we cannot meddle with, but know this much: we step away from the End of Days because of what did not leave this lab. This is not their only lab. It was just the most dangerous of their labs currently in operation. For now. But know this. My many hells and the heavens will rise up against what these humans attempt to create. Consider yourselves warned. If the CDC is wise, it will handle this matter before we must prove how our alliance on the mortal coil works. And make no mistake: we have forged an alliance as we oppose an unscheduled End of Days. The time is not now, and we wish to keep it that way. We really don’t care about eliminating wayward humans who try to make the end come.”
“Next you’ll tell me that the Christ is coming again.”
Lucifer chuckled. “Soon,” he promised. “Sooner than you would like, I imagine.”
“Well, as a mortal, I also tend to oppose the End of Days, and you know what the Bible says about that.”
“Haven’t you figured out you’ve gotten that wrong yet? Diana, say it. I simply cannot bear to.”
I took a moment to consider what he meant, and then I sighed, as Darlene loved yanking her husband’s chain whenever possible. “Well, Jesus Christ on a cracker,” I dutifully announced, and I even packed my tone with the proper disgust over the situation.
“Do I want to ask?”
“It’s best you don’t,” I replied, questioning every choice I’d ever made in my life leading up to the moment I’d left myself up a shit creek without a paddle or a boat. “It’s just best you don’t.”
Sixteen
“I may have gotten slightly cranky.”
The Devil, asshole that he was, refused to tell me how to transform back into a human. Biting him appeased me a little, but he refused to spill his secrets. While the CDC worked at rescuing the animals, I stalked Lucifer through the charred husks of the trailers, snorting a mixture of holy fire and hellfire at him.
He dodged, which annoyed me into trying harder to bite him. When the CDC began the tedious process of bringing the animals up from the lab, wearing contamination containment suits to mitigate the risk of any contagions spreading, I abandoned my hunt to observe them, my ears twisted back.
Each cat and dog got a carrier by themselves, except for the kittens, which were grouped in small clusters. One such pair of orange kittens, which a lycanthrope without a containment suit carried by hand, caught my attention. I approached, sniffing at the small, still bodies.
“We’re not sure if these ones will make it,” the lycanthrope admitted, and he sighed. “It’s warmer for them in my hand, and we aren’t sure they’ll make it for the drive.”
Lucifer patted my shoulder. “Holy fire is useful for this, and I encourage you to abuse your holy fire privileges as often as you’d like. Once He gives such gifts, it’s difficult to take back. You’ve experimented plenty with the more dangerous side of holy fire, so why don’t you learn the gentler properties?” The Devil crouched for a closer look at the kittens, and he checked their ears before staring into their eyes with a thoughtful expression. “Malnourished and neglected for certain. They’re developmentally stunted. They’re infected with lycanthropy for certain, which is why they’re alive at all. I’d bet on a starvation test to see how the virus would work to preserve the host.”
I resented I couldn’t kill the asshole lab operators again. “How do I use the holy fire to help them? I can help them, right?”
“You can. Focus on your intent. You want to protect, safeguard, and heal the kittens. Consider holy fire to be somewhat sentient. The gentler the soul using it, the more potent it is. You’re a disgustingly gentle soul unless provoked, which is why you’ll do well with both holy fire and hellfire. When you’re provoked, it’s for a cause, and that strengthens hellfire more than most would think. What’s your name, boy?”
“Kris,” the lycanthrope replied. “The boss told me to bring the kittens your way, sir.”
“It’s not every day divine intervention can be had for a pittance,” Lucifer replied with a chuckle. “That, plus the boss knows how unreasonable Diana can get about cats and kittens. Her cat completed her transformation into a crazy cat lady.”
Mr. Flooferson truly had. I stretched out my nose and nudged the tiny bodies, exhaling enough a small trail of holy fire escaped my nose. It coiled around both of the kittens and settled into the scruffy fur.
Lucifer scratched my brow. “Normally, you’d wait, but I’ll have a small chat with Him about these two. Even with holy fire, they’ll remain stunted and be in poor health. What’s two more little demonic beasties running around my house?” With enough care for me to believe the kittens were in poorer health than I’d believed, the Devil cradled both animals in his hand. “I will return shortly, so try not to wander too far. Go breathe holy fire on some cats if you need to feel useful. You could use the practice, and really, it’s fun encouraging you to abuse a higher power. Best of all, He can’t even get mad at you for doing it. Have fun!”
Once certain the Devil was gone, I bowed my head and sighed. “Are there any other sick kittens or puppies?”
“Nothing to that scale,” Kris replied, gesturing to one of the waiting CDC vans. “We brought a mobile clinic with us if needed, and we dragged a crew of ten veterinarians and their techs along for the ride, too. They’ll be kept busy doing the initial intakes, but we’re equipped to handle a busted lab, especially since we know we’re working with a contagious disease. He’s not usually that forthcoming in requirements for these sorts of ventures. Typically, when he shows up, he just tells us to get our asses in gear before he has to handle the work himself and make it an even bigger mess.”
I regarded the destruction of the trailers with one ear twisted back. “I may have gotten slightly cranky.”
“Slightly? If that’s your slightly cranky, I don’t want to see you angry, that’s for sure. But being serious, it’s for the best you beat us here. The instant we put them into the prison system, they would have been treated to the beating of their lives before turning up dead in their cells. I can’t promise they would have had a good time before being tossed into prison, either. I’m a wolf, and my virus gets riled around a dog in distress. Right now? Bloodshed wouldn’t calm my virus. That’s part of why I’m handling the kittens and cats. My virus is too sensitive to canines.”
Interesting. I eyed the lycanthrope. “Are the rest of the team not lycanthropes?”
“I’m the only lycanthrope. They wanted my nose to confirm what Lucifer told us. It’s well enough, since I can handle the animals without needing gear, and the rest can haul the carriers up top. We’re about done, though. We were saving those kittens for last. They would have gotten better attention that way, with no other animals in line after them.”
The poor babies. “Do you know how I might transform back to human?”
“I focus on what makes me human. That’s what most lycanthropes do. It takes practice to get good at doing it. When I first shifted, I needed help transforming for the first four to six months, unless my virus took over. That can still happen, but it’s less common now that I’ve been shifting for a few years. You’ll probably have to get Lucifer to help you with it the first time or two.”
Uh oh. I could see Lucifer abandoning me to my fate and requiring me to figure out how to shift back to human on my own. Rather than complain, I bobbed my head. “I’m sure he’ll get around to it.”
Eventually.
Probably.
Maybe.
If it benefited him at the time, he might help.
The Devil reappeared without the kittens. I snorted holy fire at him, my ears locked back and snapping my teeth. “Don’t you worry about the kittens. They’ll be tended to properly. Let’s leave the CDC to their work, Diana. You have to get accustomed to your form and explore your new home. I have picked a lovely parcel of land not far from my home for you to call your own, and I have plenty of artisans in residence who would love to dodge a more hellish punishment to build you a little manor to call your own. You can even pick the style.”
Before I could protest, Lucifer patted my shoulder, and the unsettling yank of teleportation ended with a thump and splash into thick lava. The molten rock oozed around me, did a good job of warming my coat, and left me standing belly deep. My new arch nemesis stood on a nearby rock and laughed at me.
I could understand why he laughed. Unlike me, he enjoyed his day.
Mine could use some work.
I sighed and trudged to where the ground solidified, scrambling up to escape the lava. It dripped from my coat. “Was there any half-decent reason you decided to do that?”
“I find it’s best to teach the newest residents about their various immunities to lava through exposure. The reactions are usually delightful, but I see your general resilience to the absurd is still intact.” Lucifer sighed. “Couldn’t you have at least squealed once?”
“No.” I shook the cooling lava off my coat. “How do I become human again?”
“This is a lesson you must learn on your own, Diana. You’ll never be a human again—but you can appear to look as you did with some work. If you’re clever enough. Don’t worry. I want you for your brains right now, anyway. If I really need you for your hands, I’ll force you to another form as I see fit—perhaps a spotted snow leopardess to keep my darling company?”
“You absolutely will not!” Darlene hissed from behind me. “Why must you do this every time? I saw what you did to poor little Samuel. You are not going to lock Diana outside and toss her into lava pools for fun.” The Devil’s wife patted my shoulder. “If you can’t be nice to Diana, I will steal her.”
“You will steal her anyway. You get to make use of her, too. She’s our secretary. I stole her from the CDC fair and square, and as I’d like to be invited back to bed sometime this week, I am making use of a filthy word to please you. It doesn’t get much worse than agreeing to share.” Lucifer faked gagging. “Disgusting, filthy word.”
Darlene hissed at her husband, wrapped her arms around my neck, and headed for her home. As resisting her might stir Lucifer’s ire, I went along with her.
“You are an excessively cruel wife, stealing my horse!”
“Well, you’re the one who gave the other horses to Anwen and Eoghan. I can’t tell if you’re trying to unleash the apocalypse or stop it most days. Really, letting those four just prance around the mortal coil?”
“It’s not like their powers activate at random. It just means if someone does trigger the End of Days, I don’t have to work all that hard to get them mobilized. I don’t even care about the riders at that point.”
“As though anyone other than Eoghan would ride the pale horse. He’s the only one of that trio who would see the necessity of it.”
I flattened my ears. “You unbridled the four horses of the apocalypse?”
“Oh, they’re bridled and haltered daily. They are spoiled pleasure horses right now. Eoghan is still teaching Anwen how to ride. But yes. They’re out in the world now. They were bored out of their minds here. There’s just nothing for them to do. On the mortal coil, they’re useful. They don’t just cause famine, war, or death with a healthy splash of conquering mixed in for good measure. They control those things—and mitigate humanity’s greed as needed. They don’t want the End of Days, either. It’s just work for us, and it’s unpleasant work at that.” Lucifer took long strides to catch up, and he smirked at his wife while draping his arm across my back. “You’re not allowed to try to break her to saddle. I’m giving that nephew of mine first crack to see if he can tame her.”
“You’d be on the couch for a month if you even thought about it,” Darlene replied.
“I’m having a hard time deciding if I want to be on the couch because I know exactly what will happen to me if I’m stuck on the couch for a month. That is worth waiting for rather patiently.”
“You will allow Darian his chance.”
I flicked an ear back at that. “I’m a devil-demon-horse thing now. Do you think he’ll actually want to have a chance? I could snort on him and light him on fire.”
“Well, that’s half the fun,” the Devil’s wife informed me. “Wondering if your future lover is going to light you on fire or toss you in some dungeon definitely enhances the experience. It amazed me Lucifer didn’t do that to me. He even let me chain him to his desk and smack him.”
“You’re hot when you’re bossing me around, and honestly, I was too stunned you were bossing me around to even think about killing you and tossing you in the dungeon. And at that point, the only place I wanted to drag you was to bed, but you kept saying no. Chained to my desk is almost as good as a bed. Well, not really, but I was hopeful you’d change your mind.”
“No is a very powerful word, and I like using it.”
“I know,” Lucifer complained.
I ambled along at Darlene’s pace, snapping my teeth at the Devil to make it clear I’d put one of my new natural weapons to good use if he stepped out of line. Darlene placed her hand on my nose, and I suspected the sneaky snow leopard wanted her dinner intact.
“Don’t you mind him, Diana. He’s just hoping for spots, and as I control the spots, he has to behave. I made up a room for you in the house, perfect for you to get used to your new form. Darian is methodical, so he’ll need some time to get his act together. But don’t you worry. If he can’t figure out how to get your attention, I’ll just start mailing your panties to his mother. Maybe he is denser than a rock, but his mother is smart—when she can actually focus. I’ll send a note to take her medications and teach her son some of the more important tricks in life, like how to draw a proper summoning circle. I expect by the time he figures it out, you’re going to be very hungry. I’m sure he’ll enjoy himself thoroughly.”
I flicked one ear forward while twisting the other back. “I’m not a succubus, Darlene. That’s you. You’re hungry, and you want to eat Lucifer for dinner. Don’t turn me into a man-hunting succubus like you.”
“Oh, you’re not a succubus, but I know my husband and his unicorns. Darian will end up being your ultimate dessert, and I’d bet away all of my spots he wired you to convert through seduction of your man. There are worse ways to go, really.”
I glared at Lucifer. “You are very bad. Doesn’t Darian get a say in this?”
“Well, I’d say he forfeits his say in how you drag him off to be your dessert the instant he starts drawing a summoning circle to catch you. He knows you’ve been converted, and he knows he has a pervert for an uncle. If he isn’t able to figure this out on his own, he deserves all of the trouble you bring his way. Just try not to destroy my house in the time it takes him to figure out how he’s going to approach being your conquest. But if you get tired of waiting, you can go claim what you want. And if you don’t want him, you can start pursuin—”
Darlene vaulted over my back, manifested her wings, and attacked her husband, claws out, and her mouth opened, revealing pronounced canines, ready to tear into the Devil’s flesh.
He caught her, tossing her over his shoulder. “She acts like she can banish me to the couch when she’s already been protesting my cruel mistreatments of everyone in the universe. Isn’t she a funny kitty, Diana?”
“Maybe you should go feed her before she razes every last one of your hells.”
Darlene growled and bit at Lucifer’s back, and her tail lashed back and forth.
“You might be right. Make yourself at home. If you see any devils or demons misbehaving, feel free to kick the sin right out of them. Just try not to kick Belial should he show up. He tends to take excessive measures when seeking revenge for some reason.” Lucifer bounced Darlene on his shoulder while she hissed and snarled curses at him. “My wife’s right, though. I am truly an asshole. In good news, you won’t starve to death. You’re just going to be really, really grouchy until you get a good meal and start converting your chosen male. You could go a thousand years before choosing a male. Please don’t do that. There’s little grouchier than a hungry succubus, and that’s a hungry nightmare. I really did a good job with you.”
“Lucifer, you are a wretch!” Darlene complained, and she pounded on her husband’s back. “Put me down.”
“And delay counting your spots? Nonsense. You’re showing all of them off and your wings. If you’re not fed soon, you really will trash my many hells, and I’m too busy right now to rebuild everything after you’ve vented your temper. I have better ways to deal with you, my little kitty. Don’t worry, though. You’ll enjoy it.”
I followed Lucifer and his wife into their home, and as I wanted nothing to do with their bedroom activities, I explored in the opposite direction, wondering what I would find.
Deep in the heart of Lucifer’s home, I discovered a wing of the building dedicated to all things fish, and in the entry, a betta ruled over all in a glass bowl palace, showing off his red fins while some spotted fish hung out on the sandy bottom.
“His name is Ruby, and Lucifer selected him for Darlene when preparing the prison for the future inmates,” Belial informed me from where he stood behind me. “The other fish are leopard cory cats. Before Ruby’s conversion to an immortal devilish fish, he was the first fish Lucifer could approach without terrifying it. It amuses me that the Lord of Hell is fast friends with a rather small fish.”
